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I've ruined my car, overwhelmed.

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  • 15-10-2020 10:38pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I've done such a silly mistake. I got a great car, never given me a days trouble and I stupidity never changed the oil in it. I thought I was just supposed to make sure the oil was topped up.

    The main reason why I'm overwhelmed is because my father is going to kill me. He found this car for me, after almost a year searching for the exact one. Everything paid for myself. I was expecting to have this car for at least another 2 years, and have money saved up.

    Now, because of all the damage done, to replace it would be a massive job and would cost up to 800. So it looks like the best option is to sell. And that's another story. My car is due the NCT next month and will fail (unless I spend the 800 to repair) my mechanic has told me. (Very reliable guy, all family go to him). So I'm losing out on money with that.

    It looks like I'll have to get a new ASAP, but I don't know the first thing about what to look for or how not to be got out in a bad deal. I'm so overwhelmed Im crying writing this. I'm not gonna sleep tonight with all this anxiety.

    I have other things going on and this was the very last thing I expected, and tbh I'm worried about the next few weeks. I don't have anyone to help me out with all this, unless I ask my father, stand still for the abuse to be thrown at me, and go along with him.

    It's such a silly problem I know, it just comes down to being scared of him.

    Note I have spoken and have gotten help about my relationship with him. I still get frightened and easily upset by him. So please no suggestions of talking to someone. I just needed to get that off my chest and if anyone has any few words or advice I would appreciate.


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    #2
    freshpopcorn
    Registered Users Posts: 30,354 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn


    Regarding the NCT peoples NCT’s were given an extension of four months due to Covid.
    My disk says it expires in January but in actual fact it’s now valid until May.
    Regarding buying a car. I suppose a lot of depends on what your budget is.
    Can you afford to go to a dealer and get a warranty?
    If it’s private where are you meeting the person.
    Get a car check done.
    Try and check the previous NCT discs to see is the millage consistent on them.
    Does the offer seem to good to be true. You’d need to research the value of the car you want.
    Is it regularly serviced? Has it a service history.
    Do the seat and gear stick look overly worn? Ie if they were saying the millage was low it might be a give away for a clocked car.
    Can you afford to tax, insure and maintain the car? It will depend on the car.
    Could you ask your mechanic for advice?
    They are specific things that may cause issues with certain cars that you could research online and keep an eye out for.
    I could blab on about this but I don’t want to get to technical. I think you’d be better off in looking in the motors section to be honest if you want help buying a car.

    How did it take you so long to choose the first car?
    I think you and your father was giving it to much taught and his anxiety probably rubbed onto you if it took a year.
    Sometimes you’ve just to take a chance with a car once everything seems good enough.

    My other piece of advice is. You need to get your car serviced every so often and when you’ve NCT’s, etc coming up. It will cost you money in repair bills. Everywhere so often people do get landed with large repair bills if lots of stuff goes at once. Sometimes it with getting these repairs done and others it may not be.
    Personally I normally put my car through an NCT and see what fails and then get it fixed. Some mechanics even recommend this. You do meet mechanic who’d tell you to get loads of stuff done when there’s no need. I’d also suggest trying and finding out what’s wrong with the car and posting over in the motors forum to see are the repair costs genuine. No matter how much you trust the mechanic.


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    #3
    cj maxx
    Registered Users Posts: 13,621 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    If you’ve damaged the engine selling it to another mug will only get you a heap of grief. You’re better off to take the chastising and get it fixed. A dear but valuable lesson


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    #4
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,991 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Sorry if I'm asking an obvious question here, but if you spend €800 getting the car repaired, would you not hang on to it? While you save? When it's fixed it'll be fine for another while, no?

    I get the impression you don't have the car all that long? Could it be that the previous owner never got it serviced/an oil change?

    It's your money and it's your car. Your dad is not affected by it. Let anything he says to you wash off you. You're the one paying for the repair works, it's none of his business. You might want to think about moving out when you can if you're in that much fear of him though.


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    #5
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,319 ✭✭✭Tork


    Can you raise the €800? Would the local credit union loan it to you? €800 sounds like a lot of money to you but it's pocket money to a Credit Union. You'd easily pay it back over time. If it's enough to save the car, then it sounds like the way to go. No matter what you do from here, you're going to be out of pocket. You might struggle to sell your car in its current condition and you'd be stuck looking at it parked outside your house in the meantime.

    No matter what you do from here, you're going to attract your father's attention anyway. It might make things easier if you've got the money sorted and the car ready to be fixed. Hannibal Smith put it very nicely - I've bolded the most important bits "It's your money and it's your car. Your dad is not affected by it. Let anything he says to you wash off you. You're the one paying for the repair works, it's none of his business". You're an adult and you're free to make your own choices. What's wrong here is that you're living under the same roof as a toxic parent who has done an awful lot of damage to you. It's not right and you really should be trying to work at getting out of there. You can talk to therapists all you want but they're not miracle workers. Really, you should be removing yourself from living with this overpowering bully.

    Don't be beating yourself up over this either. Lots of people these days don't know the first thing about car engines or to check the oil. People of your father's generation just assume everybody knows these things but they don't. When I was living at home years ago, I nearly killed my car because I didn't notice something was wrong. The difference was, my dad didn't reduce me to a sobbing wreck but helped organise to have it fixed. That's what normal parents do.


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    #6
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    How long have you had the car now and what mileage have you done since you got it? Modern cars have very lengthy service intervals, and it would be strange for an engine to completely fail or seize unless you went way, way past that service point. Was the car due a service when you bought it or had the previous owner/dealer had one done recently before then?


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    #7
    Mystery Egg
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 2,581 Mod ✭✭✭✭Mystery Egg


    Would you consider getting a loan for the 800 euros from the credit union, or similar? Pay it off gradually.


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    freshpopcorn wrote: »
    Regarding the NCT peoples NCT’s were given an extension of four months due to Covid.
    My disk says it expires in January but in actual fact it’s now valid until May.
    Regarding buying a car. I suppose a lot of depends on what your budget is.
    Can you afford to go to a dealer and get a warranty?
    If it’s private where are you meeting the person.
    Get a car check done.
    Try and check the previous NCT discs to see is the millage consistent on them.
    Does the offer seem to good to be true. You’d need to research the value of the car you want.
    Is it regularly serviced? Has it a service history.
    Do the seat and gear stick look overly worn? Ie if they were saying the millage was low it might be a give away for a clocked car.
    ...... Snipped
    .

    Thanks for the asvice. I know about the NCT extension, it's still out in Nov.

    It took so long to get the car in the first place cuz that's just my father, very picky and look ya he knows he stuff, but the wait did pay off.

    I did take good care of it, got it last service 2 years ago, only failed NCT once due to a small problem.


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    #9
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,383 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    If you've the money to repair it, then repair it I don't see the need to involve your father at all. It's your car, it's your mistake and it's your lesson learned. If your father starts to go off on you over it do not 'stand still and take it'. Walk away if he verbally abuses you every time he does it. He might not realise he has no right to speak to you that way but you're not obliged to tolerate it.


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    #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hannibal_Smith wrote: »
    Sorry if I'm asking an obvious question here, but if you spend €800 getting the car repaired, would you not hang on to it? While you save? When it's fixed it'll be fine for another while, no?

    I get the impression you don't have the car all that long? Could it be that the previous owner never got it serviced/an oil change?

    It's your money and it's your car. Your dad is not affected by it. Let anything he says to you wash off you. You're the one paying for the repair works, it's none of his business. You might want to think about moving out when you can if you're in that much fear of him though.

    Ya like I would hang onto it, but my mechanic was saying to fix it, wouldn't be worth it cuz the age of the car, the worth would be less if I were to sell it. Ya but I'm still keeping in mind just get the whole thing fixed and hang onto another 2 urs while I save.
    No IV had the car almost 5years and I've already moved out!


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    #11
    ted1
    Registered Users Posts: 23,396 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    How old is the car?


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Tork wrote: »
    snipped.

    Thanks for that post. Made me feel reassured. Yes my dad is a bully really. I actually don't live at home anymore cuz of him surprise surprise, but I often call out home etc.


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    If you've the money to repair it, then repair it I don't see the need to involve your father at all. It's your car, it's your mistake and it's your lesson learned. If your father starts to go off on you over it do not 'stand still and take it'. Walk away if he verbally abuses you every time he does it. He might not realise he has no right to speak to you that way but you're not obliged to tolerate it.

    Thanks. I've walked away many times , it's just always caused me stress and upset the abuse given. I agree I think I should repair it. It would be a lot off my shoulders cuz I'm not in a position yet to take out a loan and go looking for a car. Iv no clue of any of it and I have other stuff going on its not the right time,


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    #14
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    ted1 wrote: »
    How old is the car?

    16 yrs. Only looks 6.


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    #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks to all who replied. It helped cuz I feel very alone in this and welcome all advice and opinions.


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    #16
    spaceHopper
    Registered Users Posts: 3,979 ✭✭✭spaceHopper


    You need to get the oil changed every service, you had it done two years ago and kept an eye on the level so this isn't making sense, if you ran out of oil you'd seize the engine and to fix that would cost more than 800 euros, what's wrong with the car?

    Bad time of year to be looking for cars or spending 800 euros with christmas around the corner but with another lock down coming I'd think about getting it fixed. You know the car, are the tyres all ok have you had the timing belt done....

    If you buy an new car you'll have to look for it and then things can go wrong still. If you have to borrow to buy a new one you are looking at 150 to 200 a month. If you get it fixed and have it for another 6 months yet alone two years you are well ahead on your 800 euro investment. Put the mistake down to experience and fix it. Less hassle in the long run.


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    #17
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,991 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    I think the idea of asking in the motoring forum is a good one. You've had the car 5 years and looked after it. If you tell them the issues you have, they might be able to give you a better idea on it all?

    Separately, it's none of your dad's business. You're not under the same roof. You can tell him the engine gave out and not mention the oil change issue. How could he ever find out? You don't have to take any verbal abuse from him.


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    #18
    freshpopcorn
    Registered Users Posts: 30,354 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn


    Ruined car wrote: »
    Thanks for the asvice. I know about the NCT extension, it's still out in Nov.

    It took so long to get the car in the first place cuz that's just my father, very picky and look ya he knows he stuff, but the wait did pay off.

    I did take good care of it, got it last service 2 years ago, only failed NCT once due to a small problem.

    Alright I can’t really offer you much else advice to be honest.
    I’d ask over in the morning forum for advice and I wouldn’t give you dad to much taught to be honest.


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    #19
    ted1
    Registered Users Posts: 23,396 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    Ruined car wrote: »
    16 yrs. Only looks 6.

    Ok, look it’s probably just age related rather than anything you did.
    Cars are expensive to maintain
    At that age you will get issues like needing a new clutch , timing belt , coil packs , etc

    Keep the chin up, don’t let it get to you.


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    #20
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,319 ✭✭✭Tork


    I didn't realise your car was 16. That puts a different complexion on things - I wrongly assumed the car was quite a bit newer than that. Great and all as your car may look, it's an old car and things go on them. As the PP just pointed out, at the age your car is at, you're looking at these sort of repairs and replacements to keep it on the road. Pumping €800 into it is a risk but so too is getting a new clutch or any of the other age-related, wear and tear things that befall cars. Every car owner with a car this age is faced with the same dilemma every time a pricey repair is required. Should they spend the money to keep the car on the road and get x months more motoring out of it. Or is it time to replace it and put the money towards another car? Even if you didn't keep an eye on the oil in your car, so many other things could have gone in it. Would it be worth having another mechanic take a look at your car and give you a quote? That way, you could quietly get the car repaired and not have your father know at all.

    Tight and all as money seems to be for you, you're going to be facing into a big decision about your car in the next couple of years anyway. Are you in a position to start saving money in the credit union with a view to taking out a loan? Even if it's only a small amount, it all adds up. Next time round, it would really help your mental health if you didn't involve your father in the purchasing of your car. You could ask for advice in the motoring forum here - there are some very knowledgable people there and maybe they might be able to help you with getting a mechanic to look at cars for you. I was very surprised to learn that you don't live at home and that you were so distraught over an old car you've been driving for a few years. Even though you don't live under your father's roof any more, you might as well be. Now is as good a time as any to work at building a life that doesn't involve going home so often. You don't have to cut the apron strings but you should be loosening them. Once most people start working and move out of home, their parents don't have much say in how they live their lives. You're still allowing your father to rule your life even though you don't live at home any more. It was good of him to find you your first car but after that, everything involving it was down to you. You're the one who has driven it paid for it and taken care of it. It's none of his business. Can you explain why you think it's his business and why you're answerable to him?


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    #21
    Cheensbo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,701 ✭✭✭Cheensbo


    Not worth getting into a twist op, tis only metal in the end of the day.

    What's the exact car and what's the damage done?


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    #22
    antodeco
    Registered Users, Subscribers Posts: 13,457 ✭✭✭✭antodeco


    OP, what's actually wrong with the car?


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    #23
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,383 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Ruined car wrote: »
    Thanks. I've walked away many times , it's just always caused me stress and upset the abuse given. I agree I think I should repair it. It would be a lot off my shoulders cuz I'm not in a position yet to take out a loan and go looking for a car. Iv no clue of any of it and I have other stuff going on its not the right time,

    I do sympathise. I have a similar family dynamic and I appreciate the anxiety it can cause. Sometimes you have to calmly say 'I'm not going to tolerate being spoken to like this" and walk. It's hard the first time and takes a few goes for it to sink in with the bully but it does work. I hope you find a solution for the car soon.


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    #24
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    Ruined car wrote: »

    I did take good care of it, got it last service 2 years ago, only failed NCT once due to a small problem.

    And roughly what mileage have you done in the 2yrs?

    I have a motoring background and am only asking as there is a vast difference in doing 5000kms in 2yrs between services and 50,000kms. Not changing the oil after 5000kms will not usually cause any engine damage (unless the vehicle has been losing oil) despite the 2yr gap.

    Whilst all cars are advised to have regular services regardless of kms travelled, in reality mileage is more critical to oil thinning out (which is what eventually causes engine damage) than time.

    This may simply be an age related issue, and not one you should be blaming yourself for. Did the mechanic explicitly state that problems were caused by not changing the oil?


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    #25
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users Posts: 1,122 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    Your dad is very unreasonable by the sounds of it. I thought your car must be some rare vintage or prestige car to have take so long to source. I'm sure your dad is a good judge of what's a good car but a 10+ year old reasonably priced runaround doesn't take 12 months to source. It sounds like he has you convinced that he did a huge task finding this car when all he would have really had to do was keep an eye on donedeal and give the car a look over.

    As others have said, it's an old car, if it wasn't the oil it would have been something else. Regardless, it's none of your dad's business and no skin off his nose in any case so he has nothing to get angry about.

    It's unfortunate that the repair is so expensive but you won't sell it without repairing it first and a new car would cost more than you'd get for it anyway. If I were you I'd get an independent mechanic to look over it and see if it's worth repairing. You might get another few years out of it if it's just that one issue.


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    #26
    salamiii
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 146 ✭✭salamiii


    not changing the oil will not ruin the car


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    #27
    JustAThought
    Registered Users Posts: 5,324 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    salamiii wrote: »
    not changing the oil will not ruin the car

    +1 to ask on the
    motoring forum - they are all big petrol heads there and might have a solution/ suggestion!

    I’m sorry to hear about your dad being so overbearing and intimidating and overwhelming. Is it your first car? Is it definately ruined or are you assuming that? Sometimes it may not be as bad as it looks or as you think. I started taking my car not to the ‘family’ garage and it was the best decision ever - nobody knew when I had reversed into walls, crashed in a night out, done something stupid etc. And there were no recriminations or nagging or endless comments. And the various places I
    found were far less expensive every time and also did a great job. It might be worth your while asking in motoring and having a free evaluation done elsewhere and them making a decision. You’d be surprised in the big difference in prices between garages and something that could get back to your dad from one place could be done on the QT somewhere entirely
    different. Just check they don’t stick a sticker in your car for him to spot!!

    As regards the ge of the car Nd the price of the fix compare that to getting a new car or being without one and the stress of having to rely on your Dad or get him involved in another car. It might be a good mental break investment as well as a short term practical one!


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    #28
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,643 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    I agree about going to the motoring forum.

    Give them the bald facts, age of car, what is wrong with it, and the quote you have been given.

    As others have said with an older car, it's a matter of having to decide whether it's worth repairing or not, when things start to go wrong.

    All the best.


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    #29
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    I do sympathise. I have a similar family dynamic and I appreciate the anxiety it can cause. Sometimes you have to calmly say 'I'm not going to tolerate being spoken to like this" and walk. It's hard the first time and takes a few goes for it to sink in with the bully but it does work. I hope you find a solution for the car soon.

    Thank u. Its only people who have famil9 members like this or grown up in this type of house hold understand the upset and anxiety that can be caused.


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    #30
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I won't be posting over in the motor forum cause I've already gotten the opinions of 3 mechanics. And I can't judge over the internet if someone actually knows their stuff or just sprouting ****e.

    My issue was really just the upset of it all. Looking back now, I did over react. I think just really stressed and overwhelmed about a few other things, this was the last thing I expected or needed.

    I've decided to go ahead let it fail the NCT. See if there's other repairs to be done, then get it fixed. It's gonna cost a lot but I do have the money for that's just not a new car or to be going to the trouble of trying to sell it.

    Hopefully it's not gonna cost me more than €800. Like someone said I'm already down money with this problem.


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    #31
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,319 ✭✭✭Tork


    So why do you keep putting yourself into a position where your father can upset you like this? I though you were a kid in their late teens/early 20s who was stuck at home, the way you were going on. Instead, we learn that you're driving a few years which makes you older. You're not living in the family home so you have control over your comings and goings. You really need to start thinking like an adult, not an overgrown kid.


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