2 years into my first real relationship, I don't know if it's normal to be like this?

croquemonsieur · 19-09-2020 06:08PM #1

We're 21 year old students in the same college, currently living about an hour apart. We are best friends and are very honest with one another. We share each others's phones/passwords etc and we don't shy away from hard conversations. That should be good, but it isn't. My boyfriend suffers from terrible anxiety. He doubts litreally everything and is really indecisive. It drives me nuts at times, whether it's being unable to decide whether to go to a party/out with the lads (pre-pandemic) what present to get me/his parents, college modules, I could go on. He ends up making a decision either when it's made for him or too late. He basically waits for my advice/permission to do things and it makes me feel like a mom or something. I wouldn't mind, but it's not like I'm that controlling girlfriend that won't let him have a night with the boys/play video games?

When his anxiety is particularly bad, he becomes obsessed with whether or not our relationship is perfect/his doubts are normal, heck he even doubted if he loved me/found me attractive a few times because some women are hotter etc. He will cry with guilt and reassure me it's just anxiety. I took a lot of this to heart when he first said these things over a year ago. I got stern, threatened to break up and it lessened until it didn't happen at all for like 8 months. However this crap started again May/June time on and off, whether it's doubting his attraction because I'm 2 months older and he thought he would date someone a year or 2 younger or because most of his crushes were skinny (I'm 120lbs at 5ft1 so I'm definitely on the "curvy" side). I know he doesn't mean it but it's hard not to hurt, no matter how much time he spends with me, how much he buys me to make up for forcing me into a therapist role. I'm also repulsed by porn he used to watch/read as a younger teen and he is way more adventurous than me in that regard- wants to try anal, finishing on my face/body. These are things I'll just never do.

A few weeks ago, I was crying over something he said after I hung up and I thought "the right man wouldn't have ever let things get this crap". Thing is, this man loves me and I still love and care deeply for him. We still have fun. We have so many inside jokes, we practically speak our own language. Life without him scares me but being with him forever fills me with dread, when only a month ago I would happily fantasies about marriage etc. Help?

leggo · 19-09-2020 06:34PM

Okay so here’s the thing worth considering when it comes to mental health: when it comes to discussing, normalising and accepting it, what we’re accepting is that EVERYONE has some kind of mental health issue from time to time (in the same way we all have physical health issues) and it’s not an excuse to mistreat people. I used to suffer quite badly with anxiety and it had a negative impact on relationships I was in: that didn’t mean I was a special case who got to behave badly because I said the ‘a-word’. I was still an adult and responsible for my actions, so if my anxiety affected relationships, all it was a sign of was that I hadn’t dealt with my issues. That was on me because that option is available to all of us at all times, so I was on the hook too for any consequences that came from that.

The behaviour you’re describing is borderline abusive. Commenting about other girls being hotter than you, or your weight or how you don’t fit his fantasy ideals...that’s not healthy, honest conversation. That’s just one person saying mean, hurtful things to another person they’re supposed to care about. And when you truly care for someone, you don’t want to hurt their feelings in this way or create this kind of instability and insecurity within them and how they feel within your relationship. I worry your view of what a healthy relationship is is a bit skewed, because this isn’t it. Even when you talk about having each other’s passwords and checking each other’s phones...I get how that can seem super open and trusting at first glance, but people in healthy relationships don’t need to do that.

I’m glad to see you say stuff like acknowledging that this behaviour from him is crap. Your instincts are dead right here and I suggest you follow them as far as they’ll take you. I get how, when you’re young and in a LTR, it can seem unthinkable at times to not be with that person...but however this relationship plays out, I think you’re going to get to a stage in your life (hopefully soon) where you wonder how you ever even put up with hearing that stuff being said around you.

croquemonsieur · 19-09-2020 07:02PM

Thanks leggo. Thing is, I worry that if I leave this I'll never do better. Sure, I will be incredibly upset and empty for a while after this ends, but once I'm over it I'll probably want another relationship after a year or 2. I'm scared I'm just being picky, when I have a lad that doesn't cheat, texts me all day, calls me any night we aren't together, surprises me with presents, tells me he loves me/I'm cute/sexy everyday...but damn it, maybe I can get all/most of these qualities again someday? I know no relationship is perfect but I didn't think stuff would get this hard in a good relationship.

osarusan · 19-09-2020 07:07PM

He needs professional help.

In his calmer moments he must know what he is doing and saying to you is really hurtful and unacceptable. In his calmer moments, he should realise that he needs help to deal with his anxiety and how his anxiety affects his relationship with you.

You don't have to put up with it, and anxiety doesn't give him any special licence or leeway in his treatment of you. Breaking up with somebody who treats you like that, and makes you "dread" a future together is understandable even if they have their own issues.

SusieBlue · 19-09-2020 07:19PM

I’m sorry but it just sounds so toxic.
What on earth does he hope to achieve by harping on about the fact that you’re two months older, it’s not as if you can magically change when you were born, and it’s irrelevant anyway.

Having doubts is somewhat normal in a relationship but repeatedly going on about how he always planned on having a younger thinner girlfriend is very disrespectful and completely unacceptable, because it achieves nothing.
This is abusive because he is setting a standard here that you’ll never be able to reach, basically setting you up for failure.
You can’t ever meet his preconceived requirements.
It’s extremely nasty for him to openly peruse these doubts he’s having when there is literally nothing you can do to make yourself his ‘ideal woman’.

As Leggo said, mental health issues are something that every single person suffers with on some level at one stage or another.
What’s not ok is expecting another person to tolerate toxic behaviour because of said anxiety.
You shouldn’t have to put up with cutting remarks because of his mental health issues, it shouldn’t be normalised.
He must have the self awareness to know that what he’s doing is severely damaging your self esteem and confidence, and yet he continues to put you through that.

I would be seriously questioning my future with a man who can treat you like this over and over again, and what his intentions are.

I promise you that you’ll find someone who loves you and appreciates you for who you are, who won’t have you questioning your self worth. Someone else will value your loyal and supportive nature.
You will never be happy in the long term with this man.
I think you already know what you need to do here.

Idle Passerby · 19-09-2020 07:25PM

croquemonsieur wrote: »

tells me he loves me/I'm cute/sexy everyday..

even though in the same breath he's telling you he's not sure if he's attracted to you and that other girls are hotter?

You will look back on this relationship and wonder why you thought it was good. He's wearing you down, belittling you and making you feel like a prude for not wanting to act out his porn fantasies. You can and will do better.

croquemonsieur · 19-09-2020 07:34PM

Thanks guys. Outside of this, he is loving and a really sweet guy and my heart breaks already thinking of leaving him. At the same time, I want someone who takes more responsibility for their mental health/baggage. I pushed him into a few online therapy sessions but within a week or 2 of that ending, he had already given up. He will always apologise and try making it up to me, but I wish it didn't happen in the first case. I feel really bad writing this about someone I've loved for 2 years, it feels like a betrayal.

Idle Passerby · 19-09-2020 08:33PM

It's not a betrayal to end a relationship you've outgrown. You've admitted to yourself that your unsatisfied and want a different kind of relationship someday, it would be a betrayal of yourself to ignore that and stay in it. It also wouldn't do him any good because he'd be with someone who doesn't want to be with him. To be honest, it sounds like both of you are unsatisfied.

I know it's hard to leave your first relationship, particularly if it was a happy one but life does go on. Your 21, there's plenty of other experiences in your future to look forward to.

croquemonsieur · 19-09-2020 08:59PM

Maybe this is a stupid question, but how do you know if/when a relationship is over?

I had a wee cry a few hours ago just thinking about how much I'd miss him, but whenever he brings up moving in next year/marriage, I feel nearly sick with guilt, whereas a few weeks ago I'd happily daydream about coming home to him every night and travelling, getting a place etc. I hope this is a phase and I'm being silly, but I've felt like this for the last month or so. In a strange way, leaving, if it's what I have to do, would be so much easier if he straight up cheated on me or got into drugs/drank too much or something, this is so hard.

qwerty13 · 20-09-2020 01:02AM

He makes you feel bad about yourself, second guess yourself, and unhappy. That’s how you know that it’s not a good relationship. Simple as that.

I feel bad for him that he’s struggling with anxiety, but that does not give him a free pass to behave like this towards you. It’s also not your problem to fix. Why isn’t he committed to getting help with his anxiety? Especially if he claims that’s why he behaves so poorly towards you.

I have to say that some of his behaviour sounds incredibly needy, if not controlling. He’s pushing you away with criticism, and pulling you back with over the top compensation type behaviour. He’s messing with your head, whether he realises it or not.

I 100% think that you should end this relationship. He just isn’t good for you. Or at least the bad outweighs the good by a LOT. He’s already made you feel bad, question yourself, feel unattractive, feel you aren’t what he really wants. How do you think a few more years of having those views said to you might feel??

You’re not his minder or his mother. Nor deserving of being made feel low about yourself as a result his anxiety which he’s doing nothing constructive about. You deserve more. End the relationship.

And tbh I find the sharing passwords stuff deeply inappropriate. It’s like “I can’t trust you unless I can review everything about your life, and everyone who communicates with you”. I don’t think a healthy relationship works like that. And it’s also incredibly unfair to friends or family who might contact you with personal information that they chose to share with you - not your BF. I’d bet it was him who instigated that.

In my opinion his anxiety is pushing him into being a controlling partner, who is increasingly edging towards emotionally abusing you. Get out now, before his own anxiety ends up causing you equal or worse anxiety

croquemonsieur · 20-09-2020 09:45AM

Thank you. And no what's worse is it's me that initiated the password sharing. A year ago, I got really insecure after he said crap about feeling guilty for finding "Rachel" or whoever hotter and he wanted to reassure me he would never cheat etc, so he handed me his phone as proof. I remember feeling really wrong for looking through his Snapchat, Facebook etc but the only females he messaged were co-workers to swap shifts or relatives. He then added "my PIN is this and my password for XYZ is XYZ". I gave him mine 2 months ago because he started joking I didn't trust him/what did I have to hide.

Caryatnid · 20-09-2020 10:23AM

croquemonsieur wrote: »

However this crap started again May/June time on and off, whether it's doubting his attraction because I'm 2 months older and he thought he would date someone a year or 2 younger or because most of his crushes were skinny (I'm 120lbs at 5ft1 so I'm definitely on the "curvy" side).

I'm not sure if there's a typo in the last sentence, but, if not, 54kg at that height would be a size 8ish. That is skinny/slim and the fat he is making you describe yourself as anything otherwise is hella scarey.
Also two months older.... He wants someone younger!?! He is 21!! There's not much younger he can go at that age. Does he just want a teenager he can control? Lots of people have anxiety, issues, panic attacks.... none of which are an excuse to wear you down. I think you'll look back on this relationship a few months after breaking up, and see it with different eyes.

Good luck girl, you are worth more than this and want something different. You are just 21. Don't waste more of your youth with someone who will warp your mind like this. xx

croquemonsieur · 20-09-2020 10:51AM

Caryatnid wrote: »

I'm not sure if there's a typo in the last sentence, but, if not, 54kg at that height would be a size 8ish. That is skinny/slim and the fat he is making you describe yourself as anything otherwise is hella scarey.
Also two months older.... He wants someone younger!?! He is 21!! There's not much younger he can go at that age. Does he just want a teenager he can control? Lots of people have anxiety, issues, panic attacks.... none of which are an excuse to wear you down. I think you'll look back on this relationship a few months after breaking up, and see it with different eyes.

Good luck girl, you are worth more than this and want something different. You are just 21. Don't waste more of your youth with someone who will warp your mind like this. xx

Thank you. Yeah I'm a size 8, sometimes even a 6. I used to be pretty insecure about my size, I've always been curvy. I can't look all that bad though, horrible yokes in nightclubs will hit on me even with my BF around and at worst, say I have a nice arse. He did emphasise that he finds my body type attractive too and has noticed women bigger than me, but yeah it hurts. He'll say I'm beautiful and not to lose weight but anytime I see one of those skinny celebrities like Emma Watson he found so very hot, I feel awful about myself and wish I had long skinny legs. No amount of "you're so hot, how did I land you?" from him can make me unhear it, maybe that's my self esteem's fault, not his.

His comments about thinking he'd date someone a little younger/ it's what's expected is so weird, because it leaves me feeling like I'm not a "young one" anymore. By most people's standards, 21 is pretty young. Yeah I'm not 18 anymore but 21 is just the start of adulthood surely? Not exactly "used goods" or some other patriarchal BS.

SusieBlue · 20-09-2020 12:31PM

If you fit into a size 8 and sometimes a size 6 then you aren’t fat.
There is no way on earth you could be perceived as being fat if you fit into that size clothes.
He has warped your view so much with his excessive criticism that you now think you are fat and overweight when you’re not. He’s encouraging body dysmorphia in you.
If you’re not skinny enough for him I struggle to imagine what sizes girl he’d be happy with, because you are slim and a perfectly healthy size.

And 21 is only a baby, you aren’t old, your life is only just beginning.

Commenting on your weight when you’re already very slim is extremely destructive and damaging behaviour. I can’t believe the audacity of him to criticise you so nastily and then blame his ‘anxiety’.

Idle Passerby · 20-09-2020 01:48PM

Your a size 6/8 and he thinks your too curvy? He just went from clueless kid in my mind to gaslighting arsehole.

croquemonsieur · 20-09-2020 02:10PM

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Your a size 6/8 and he thinks your too curvy? He just went from clueless kid in my mind to gaslighting arsehole.

In his defense, he's never called me fat/too curvy or told me to lose weight, this came out when I asked him about his ideal body because I wanted reassurance. He said "i don't really have one in particular. I guess when I was younger I thought the skinnier the better and I recall arguing with my friends over it cos they loved big tits etc. I still love long skinny legs, I would prefer skinny like Emma Watson or Sarah Hyland to the Kardashian build, but you're plenty skinny, I've liked girls your shape and bigger". It irritates me that any girl more than a size 10ish is "chonk/fat" to him. I kinda take offense and I wonder how he'd see me if I gained 10/15lbs again (I was around 130/135lbs in my mid teens but have been a healthy size these last 3 years). One time a year ago, he said he worried if he would lose attraction to me once I'm pregnant/over 40, but reassured me he'll age and look worse too? I think I've read into this too much, he seems plenty attracted to me, it's just maybe his ideal woman weighs 15lbs less than me.

I really am making him sound horrible. He isn't, I think he's just an immature lad with anxiety and has watched too much porn as a teen/has unrealistic ideas of women and love.

Caryatnid · 20-09-2020 02:28PM

croquemonsieur wrote: »

I really am making him sound horrible. He isn't, I think he's just an immature lad with anxiety and has watched too much porn as a teen/has unrealistic ideas of women and love.

Nobody is 100% horrible. But reading that... he doesn't really seem like The One for you, does he? The One will build you up, not bring you down. But sure, at 21, you have plenty of time to be yourself, meet others, have fun and be carefree. x

croquemonsieur · 20-09-2020 04:22PM

Thank you. I know I have to end this eventually, but I'm tempted to stay for another while, until I feel less in love/it'll hurt less. But I know that's a crappy thing to do. I just don't feel ready to leave right now when things have been pretty decent for the last few weeks. I did come close to ending things with him 3 times before after awful things were said- June 2019, in March and July. Maybe the momentum after he says something reckless will spurn me to end it? I'm still too in love at the minute. The closest he got to hurting my feelings in the last week is confessing he occasionally thinks of what could have been with this girl in his class he had a huge crush on, back when they were in Leaving Cert. When I was younger I thought ending a relationship would be so much easier. I assumed people only get "dumped" if the dumper has zero feelings for them anymore, which clearly is not the case here.

SusieBlue · 20-09-2020 04:44PM

croquemonsieur wrote: »

Thank you. I know I have to end this eventually, but I'm tempted to stay for another while, until I feel less in love/it'll hurt less. But I know that's a crappy thing to do. I just don't feel ready to leave right now when things have been pretty decent for the last few weeks. I did come close to ending things with him 3 times before after awful things were said- June 2019, in March and July. Maybe the momentum after he says something reckless will spurn me to end it? I'm still too in love at the minute. The closest he got to hurting my feelings in the last week is confessing he occasionally thinks of what could have been with this girl in his class he had a huge crush on, back when they were in Leaving Cert. When I was younger I thought ending a relationship would be so much easier. I assumed people only get "dumped" if the dumper has zero feelings for them anymore, which clearly is not the case here.

You’re only wasting your time by staying. The sooner you break it off the sooner you can begin healing, processing what happened and be ready to move on again.
By delaying breaking it off you are only putting off the inevitable and it isn’t really fair to him either.

If moving on and finding love with someone else is your long term goal you are only hurting yourself by hanging around and waiting another while to end it.

Idle Passerby · 20-09-2020 05:11PM

I second what SuzieBlue has said above.

When I was your age I did the same drawn out deliberation over whether to end a relationship. And then when it ended we wasted another year or two trying to be friends. If I met my younger self now I'd tell her to pull off the band aid and start getting on with your life. In hindsight it was all just so much hand wringing over nothing.

Tork · 20-09-2020 05:45PM

I'm reading all of this and thinking "But you're only 21 years of age". You should be out enjoying life, not wasting some great years of your life tied down in a serious relationship. Especially not the one you've described here, sorry to say. Most people don't make it to 30 with the boyfriend/girlfriend they had when they were 20 and there's a good reason for it. People frequently change quite a bit and outgrow their youthful relationships. It's a good sign that you're questioning what it is you're in because I think it's time to move on.

croquemonsieur · 20-09-2020 05:47PM

Thanks guys. I wish I had someone to talk to about all this. I don't have many friends (totally lost touch with girls I was in school with). The few I have from college have only been in short term/friends with benefits situations where walking away would be much easier, I imagine? Even my own parents were fortunate enough to meet at 19 in college and are still mad about each other, so they have litreally no experience of breakups either. I just wish I knew someone close to me that had gone through a break up after this long together and successfully got over it. I know people have and frequently do get over my kind of relationship, but I just wish I knew someone personally who had.

Tork · 20-09-2020 05:54PM

See, this is another reason why breaking up would be good for you. If people aren't careful, their relationships consume them and their social circles shrink like crazy. You've already lost touch with your old schoolfriends and haven't formed any meaningful friendships from college. It's important to have friends outside of your relationship(s) and perhaps this relationship stopped that happening.

Godeatsboogers · 20-09-2020 06:07PM

He fancies emma Watson? Remove him from your life, post haste.

croquemonsieur · 20-09-2020 06:09PM

Godeatsboogers wrote: »

He fancies emma Watson? Remove him from your life, post haste.

She's gorgeous?

Godeatsboogers · 20-09-2020 06:11PM

I dont find dont find her attractive in the slightest

20-09-2020 06:42PM

The op is being abused now her BF might not see it like that but it is abuse, he suffers from low self-esteem and is abusing her make himself feel better about himself, there is often an element of jealousy in this as well, she is young, pretty, attractive with lots of choices in life and probably more confident than he is which make his self-esteem even worse.

Very very unhealthy in a 21-year-old and will only get worse unless he deals with it which he might never do.

screamer · 20-09-2020 06:53PM

Sounds like he has way more issues than anxiety going on.
You’re 21 not 51, get out of there, you will find someone else, and at least now you have a measure of what is and is not acceptable to you.
If you spend the next 10 years in that relationship you’ll have less chance to meet anyone new and you’ll be the one with anxiety over the frankly ****ty way he speaks about you. Besides better to be happy alone than miserable together.

bobbyy gee · 20-09-2020 06:56PM

time to change your passwords and dump his ass

20-09-2020 07:03PM

screamer wrote: »

Sounds like he has way more issues than anxiety going on.
You’re 21 not 51, get out of there, you will find someone else, and at least now you have a measure of what is and is not acceptable to you.
If you spend the next 10 years in that relationship you’ll have less chance to meet anyone new and you’ll be the one with anxiety over the frankly ****ty way he speaks about you. Besides better to be happy alone than miserable together.

It might not be as simple as that for the op though it might take a while for her to get there.

HamSarris · 20-09-2020 07:11PM

He doesn’t sound like an emotionally abusive boyfriend, I get more a sense of comorbid aspergers & anxiety.

All boyfriends have thoughts about how attractive their girlfriends are, whether they could do better/worse etc. But the vast majority have the common sense to keep these thoughts in their own head. It sounds like your boyfriend just tells you these random thoughts without any idea of how it could affect you emotionally. He seems naïve and clueless. Maybe he sees you as a therapist as well as a mother and feels he can tell you these random thoughts. I do not get the sense he’s making these comments as a way of emotional control, he seems to struggle enough to take control of his own life.

He obviously meets certain needs for you and has positive traits. But if he keeps behaving this way you will grow to resent him. His indecisiveness and reassuring seeking will become a bigger issue in the long term. Any physical attraction will fade as you see him as increasingly submissive, long-term plans will get delayed for years because he can’t make up his mind.

You’ll feel guilty for ending the relationship because you feel like his mother and are abandoning a helpless child. But it will be for the best for both of you in the long-term.

2 years into my first real relationship, I don't know if it's normal to be like this?

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