Help and advice 3 year relationship over?

yamaha4life · 30-08-2020 07:52PM #1

Ive been in a relationship with 3 years with the same person we know each other 10 years. We have lived together for 2 years but the last 12-18 months have been very tough on both of us.

About 2 years ago my other half was going to become homeless, the other tenant leaving causing the rent to become unaffordable, i took my other half into my house share with 1 parent, 1 sibling, 1 non family member.(the last two are a couple).

The first 6 months of this were ok i used to bring my S/O to work etc, dropped off to nights out or friends collected afterwards if not staying no problems i dont really drink so its not my scene. Only when i would go to see my friends or hang out with me best friend there would be issues i would get cold shoulder when id get back or id be told i do too much for my friends etc. I slowly withdrew from my friends until i was more or less spending all my time with my S/O.

In the meantime i got my S/O on the road in my car then own car followed which helped alot in terms of freedom not too be stuck at home while im gone but i guess it wasnt really enough. I was still told i was spending to my time away although i felt i wasnt but i could be wrong.

About a year ago we had a big fight and break up it was a mixture of all these things and others but id be here all day, i have never cheated and can only assume my S/O hasnt either ontop of this things at the house went down hill leaving us no option to leave and live together sharing a house which we both agreed should be ok.

While we never officially got back together things got better and worse, we have had fights and ups n downs like any relationship would whether it was official or not, we shared the same bed etc.

Recently ive become very depressed and have lashed out on occasion not physically just verbally, ive been bottle up almost 3 years worth of issues and my family has more or less turned its back on me for leaving to live with my S/O over the rent at previous house now being split between 3. I never had many friends and through all this i havent really heard from them so now i feel as ive none.

My S/O is also in a bad place mentally i know not all of it is my fault but a fair chunk is. With the last 3-4 weeks my S/O has completely given up pulling weight around the house cleaning, washing etc and saying one thing then doing another.

S/O My friend wants me to go to dinner but i dont want to i have no money,
me : here have the money and go for meal.
S/O : no i dont want to id rather stay at home.

Next day goes to dinner doesnt tell me a thing leaves me sitting at home all night.

This is also a new friend which now spends most of time with drinking, driving around, going to beach, going for take aways, brings friend grocery shopping.

My S/O never wants to come home the last two weeks especially ive tried talking it out this week and everytime i feel ive gotten somewhere my S/O dissappears to new friend house saying ill be home soon and doesnt.

My S/O was suppose to bring me for a car and stuff but so far its proving a big challenge even today. Came home for a few hours we talked cuddled a bit even but i was told i dont want to be with anyone i just want to focus on myself be alone and stop drinking as its not helping but told me staying here for the day to help me get a car. Only to dissappear with new friend to the beach, why? i forgot when i was drunk i promised new friends kids. I really felt we were getting somewhere too :-(

As much as i used hang out with friends id never do it like this or to this extent id never not come home to be left alone and lonely, the past 18 months ive spent no time with friends just my S/O.

its really hard because the only person i talk to now is my S/O, i have no car until my S/O helps me by bringing me to view some and im living very rural.

I know i love my S/O even if thats not the correct term to be using right now, i think i have lost my S/O even though told me i love you and that we always been friends and doesnt want to lose me but the actions dont add up for me. Ive asked for help said how lonely i am now that they not around and im not really getting any or anyware.

All this is really bringing me down as i dont know where i stand anymore, i dont know if i should just leave but then ill be homeless, ive so much stuff i dont know how to get rid of i dont even have a car or family to turn to. I had a minor panic attack last night its the first time in 4 years only the second one ive ever had in my life the last was at work i nearly passed out. I managed to fight this one off and calm down.

Im heartbroken, depressed and alone.

What should i do?

Kylta · 30-08-2020 11:24PM

You could start by looking after you. Your S/O is looking after himself. I think you should pick up the phone and make contact with your family and talk about what's going on with you and your life. Hopefully you might be able to patch things up and move back home.
Then you should get rid of that person who seems to want everything their own way. I wonder do they only have mental issues when their not getting their own way.
If possible you should also try to get in contact with the friends you lost, hopefully you can have somebody to talk to and hopefully will help you through your bad patch.
Again I'll say you should look after yourself. And let your S/O look after his own mental issues. But you definitely need to get away from this person and the sooner the better.

Millionaire only not · 30-08-2020 11:30PM

Get out of this ASAP

yamaha4life · 31-08-2020 12:53AM

I will try my family but there is no home to move to the previous residence was rented and everyone is living in different places now. I also faild to mention i was attacked by one of the couple which left me with a broken nose.

So that sibling and non family member closed ranks on me and blamed me the victim for the attack. They also kept my deposit when the moved out i know they got it in full i was living there 5 years and had contacted landlord and he said it was given to them i confirm this by asking parent.

I will try look after myself its very hard my emotions are high and everything hurts when your wounded.

My S/O is sleeping in my bed but told me not to get the wrong idea. That were both friends and that were both single. Only home because work in the morning i doubt it because i was missed.

Im sad to say i dont think my old friends were real friends to have left me this long with minimal contact even with covid.

S/O also lives on snapchat and social media and snaps multiple members of the oppose sex including some exs and new friends known approx three weeks now. This is fine for S/O wasnt for me, i message a member of opposite sex for innocent reasons a friend btw it started a big row.

My S/O has told me not interested in any of these people but is very cagey with fone i wouldnt b aloud look apparently because my S/O never had privacy before. My social media is empty of anything like what theres is on theres.
I bearly get messages from anyone.

I havent been perfect i dont claim to be but my S/O does alot of things i was made out to be very stupid for doing. I pointed it out in a fight and i got told i know sorry.

I just want to get our feelings out there and clear the air and grow and put a direction on things but this is the last thing it seems my S/O wants.

I can bearly eat anything with the stress of all this iv lost 5kg in the last few weeks.

Thanks for all replys ill try take on advice at least i feel like im being heard now

Caranica · 31-08-2020 08:27AM

This person isn't your S/O, they are now your abuser. You need to get out. They have isolated you from friends and family, and have clearly knocked your confidence and continue to emotionally abuse you.

Please call Women's Aid.

Kylta · 31-08-2020 08:34AM

You should seriously consider the advice of the previous poster, especially for your own mental and physical well being

yamaha4life · 31-08-2020 10:00AM

Caranica wrote: »

This person isn't your S/O, they are now your abuser. You need to get out. They have isolated you from friends and family, and have clearly knocked your confidence and continue to emotionally abuse you.

Please call Women's Aid.

Hi, i dont think my S/O is an abuser, i think my friends and definitely my family have done a fantastic job of isolating me with out the help of S/O.

I feel like ive pushed my S/O to this over the last month especially because ive been feeling bad about my life, family, and taken the stress out on them. So i dont want to claim innocent here by any means. My S/O is the jealous type i get that some people are like that naturally but were both adults i can show theres nothing sinister easliy without there being a fight.

Ive contacted a sibling and have sent them some lengthy message and have looked up some counselling services which might help with my life in general, iv always been an introvert not very good at reaching out or making friends anyway or dealing with conflict / confrontation.

I know ive been the protagonist on plenty occasions of late but some of that is jealously i think not that i get jealous easily but my S/O getting all that attention from the opposite sex got to me even if my S/O says they not interested in them.

I dont want to vilify my S/O on here either because all who see this can only see my side of the story which isnt fair. My S/O has alot on plate aswell with family, life and work issues too we are all only human and can succumb to our problems and react and lash out or act out in ways we wouldnt normally.

Thanks for posting all im finding this very helpfull.

TheBoyConor · 31-08-2020 10:25AM

it sounds like a head melter of set up. I'd be asking him to start putting his affairs in order to start moving out with 6 weeks notice.

yamaha4life · 03-09-2020 01:45AM

So after my last post, it really looked like my S/O was softening and warming back up to normal, i had also been feeling better in myself been getting out of the house walking etc.

So yesterday, went with my S/O to get some stuff for the house, dropped S/O to work, while i went and got a hair cut and generally tidy myself up as id been lookin ran into the ground. Went home did some jobs around the house until i was called to collect S/O.

Collected then was told need to bring new friend to town to get some stuff shopping etc, do you want to go home or will you drive, reluctantly i agreed to do i had nothing else to do anyway. So basically drove S/O to town did shopping. S/O then suggested i drop myself home first and they go to new friends house.

After a while S/O comes home ask to borrow â‚¬20 for because broke, fine i give it over even tho S/O has been left off with a Sum of money already as i wanted to take pressure off S/O financially. So anyway S/O goes off collects new friend plus one more and go to town again to get a car wash and a chinese?(didnt know that until return) I mean serious im starting to think ive rocks in my head :-(. S/O came home and came into my bed told me im looking cute again etc stayed for a few hours nothin happend but S/O got odd after that time and went to spare room.

So next day, again S/O said need to borrow money for diesel says its drinking it but of course as i believe new friend doesnt pay in as day previous there was no mention of contribution, all i had was â‚¬15 last of my money for the week as i paid for a lot of things for the house this week and i gave it.

S/O went to new friends came home late ish but came straight into my room and hugged me while i was half asleep in bed, asked if could sleep in my bed and i said yes, S/O watched tv for a short while and was being some what lovey dovey but no more than cuddles, mentiond that they have put on quite a bit of weight which is true but i assured S/O it doesnt matter that much and that i still find attractive. Also S/O said ive lost weight and my love handles are nearly gone (of course with all the stress ive lost nearly 10kg) and they need to get off lazy ass and exercise. After this S/O fell asleep in my arms and slept until morning i didnt fall asleep until about 4 am.

Today After all this S/O came home some what early, rang me when i was nearly back from walking to see if i wanted food i said no as i had already eaten. When i got home, showered and got some water then went to bed as was tired. S/O says goodnight and proceeds to spare room when asked if coming to bed i was told no.

I went back to bed and after a while i decide to ask S/O if busy tomorrow so just before i entered room i could her a bit of talking so anyway i opened door and S/O phone cover was open but not light up, tbh i thing they were on the phone to someone before i came but on hearing me coming hung up, all that aside i asked and left room and started doing a job in kitchen before returning to bed.

S/O came out to me after a while and said why was i asking i said because you seemed off form i thought maybe your were stressed out about something, S/O said yes and proceeded to tell me about it great, Then dropd a little bomb before returning to bed S/O wants to go on a weekend away with newfriend! But hinted at me saying i dont know how im going to get there i dont want to bring car so basically wants me to drop them off and collect them. S/O no money for anything but can afford weekend away? In a week or two so confusing.

Im writing all this here because i need to get it out and not have it rattling around in my head. Its been suggest that i move, yes i would like to but i dont know how ill afford the rent if i could find a place ive been looking and there very little even in the county let alone the area im from.

It just seems even when i feel like im getting somewhere i get pushed back, no matter how much i apologise and explain my actions its like iv committed a cardinal sin. My S/O says even if we see other people we can still live together i said that wouldnt be fair because what if one of us walk in on the other or hasnt moved on which is a fair point i think.

I guess i could buy a estate car maybe a camper until i can find somewhere, i just dont know what to do with all my stuff im trying to sell stuff as it is. Ive written a notice for the landlord trying to prepare for ever eventuality.

Kylta · 03-09-2020 07:31AM

Jaysus, he's really treating you as a doormat. Why don't you start saying NO. You could start by giving him nothing, followed be half of the rent off him, ( if he don't pay fu¢k him out,) and let him live with his friend. Do not let him in your room never mind your bed. I don't think your ever going to be his partner, I'd say he's looking at you as a mother figure, anything he wants money, lifts, little cuddles etc. If he has issue's tell him thats his own priblem and to solve them himself, their not your issue's. If you don't get rid of him, well then your life is just going to repeat itself over again and again. Reclaim yourself fu¢king dump out your unwanted gift.

Hannibal_Smith · 03-09-2020 07:50AM

Yamaha4life, what cardinal sin do you think you've committed?

I think you're being made to feel like this is your only option and you're not in a strong position financially to leave. Whereas in fact, he's the one who needs you because he's broke all the time. So you're in a stronger position than you think.

It really reads like you're being dangled a carrot of affection when he senses you're fed up. But it's all superficial.

How did it go when you got back in touch with the sibling. Could they help you look for a car over the weekend? Do you have a bank account? If you can get back in touch with that sibling. Tell them how it is.

I would almost let him go away for the weekend, as long as you have someone who can help, and use the time as space to get your thoughts together and get your ducks in a row.

It's not a relationship you're happy in and I don't think many people would be. It doesn't sound good at all. You're not in the wrong for thinking that at all.

HildaOgdenx · 03-09-2020 10:11AM

yamaha4life wrote: »

Hi, i dont think my S/O is an abuser, i think my friends and definitely my family have done a fantastic job of isolating me with out the help of S/O.

Ive contacted a sibling and have sent them some lengthy message and have looked up some counselling services which might help with my life in general, iv always been an introvert not very good at reaching out or making friends anyway or dealing with conflict / confrontation.

I dont want to vilify my S/O on here either because all who see this can only see my side of the story which isnt fair. My S/O has alot on plate aswell with family, life and work issues too we are all only human and can succumb to our problems and react and lash out or act out in ways we wouldnt normally.

I think you would definitely find it helpful to talk to someone. It takes courage to pick up the phone, but please do it.

You haven't vilified her/ him here whatsoever.
It's the nature of the forum that an OP tells their own story, and sometimes impartial outsiders can point to something that the person may not be in a position to see.

Women's Aid was already mentioned upthread. There's also an organisation for men https://www.mensaid.ie/

Mind yourself.

qwerty13 · 03-09-2020 12:03PM

Sorry OP, but it sounds to me as though he’s already in a relationship with his ‘friend’, and just hasn’t bothered telling you / stopped sponging off you yet.

You really need to get away from this person, before his behaviour breaks you completely

TheBoyConor · 03-09-2020 12:20PM

He needs to be told to f off.

What are you even getting out of it? He is a leech and doesn't appear to contribute anything.

Tork · 03-09-2020 01:09PM

It's obvious that he has checked out of this relationship and is only using you as a back-up/mammy figure. That's something that came across to me in your posts. He isn't as helpless as you seem to think he is either. It wouldn't surprise me if there is something romantic going on with this new "friend" Whether there is or not, he's making a fool of you and you're nothing more than an enabler to him.

I wonder what your family and friends' take on this is? You believe that they all abandoned you but maybe that isn't the case. Sometimes people take a step back and hope that their loved one will reach out to them some day. Whether you believe your S/O is abusive or not, they did a fine job of reducing your social circle right down to one single person. Them. It's very easy to lose touch with friends if you stop making the effort to contact them. Maybe they couldn't stand your S/O or assumed you were one of those people who drop their friends as soon as they meet somebody. I wouldn't be so quick to condemn them. I hope you have some family who you can talk to. Again, the reasons for them stepping back might not be as black and white as you think. Or for that matter, for the reasons you believe. I hope that the sibling you reached out to will help you. The bottom line here is that you need to get out of this relationship. The suggestion about talking to Women's Aid/men's Aid is a good one. Even if you don't believe you're in an abusive relationship, they will have good advice for you about how to leave.

LegacyUser · 03-09-2020 02:41PM

OP, you continuously refer to them as your significant other, when they're telling you with their words and their actions that they don't consider themselves to be in a romantic relationship with you.
What you've shared is a situation that is not good for your physical health or emotional health. You're stressed to the point that you've lost a lot of weight.
Please see them for what they are, they are using you, for your money, and your car. When they want attention, they come into your room and turn on the charm, but when attention is available elsewhere, you're left alone.
Don't answer this here, but please think about this, are you truly happy? If you're not, you are allowed to leave, your happiness and your health should be your priorities right now. Please reach out to someone you trust, ask for help if you feel you need it, even if it's just to have emotional support.
Please don't ignore the hurt you're experiencing. I agree with the advice to contact women's aid or men's aid, whichever applies to you.
Please look after yourself.

yamaha4life · 05-09-2020 08:14PM

I havent had a chance to post a reply, bt its probably easier for an anonymous point of view to just say S/O, i have been trying to use my time lately to get clarity and my sibling that is the only one i talk to / talks to me has been listening but is not taking me too seriously i feel sibling basically thinks i should stick it out in order not to be homeless.

I agree with most of the consensus here the relationship gone or on life support via me at best, the new friend is of the same sex but i think the sibling of new friend definitely has eye on them and they are snapchatting.

What can i say the last few days were almost normal but not quite ive been going off for a few hours in the evening (on foot) to pass time rather than sitting around dwelling wondering what there doing.

They have rang me most evenings, wondering if ill be home even do i want dinner twice, alas when i get there its like theres a barrier in the shape of a smart phone, im the opposite id pay attention to some one when they talk to me and i spent very little time on any social media.

Basically a big part of this i feel is my fault i had a bit of a meltdown one morning and thats when everything changed, i apologised and opened up to them explaining why i had been this acting this way, now that i dont look stoic and made of stone this seem to be the outcome, its hard to let go of 3 years worth of a relationship even if the last 9 months were very difficult for us both.

I have done tons for them, iv never borrowed or asked for anything of them, ive copped endless flak for seeing my friends or being a bit late to collect them from work (10 mins) to an extent i go less and less involved with friends. I helped when they were going to be homeless, i insured on my car, dropped off and collected at every lesson. I could go on list is endless.

I know relationships are give and take but ive taken very little and in my time of need this is where i am i know i wasnt perfect but i did try and even if i was in bad form with them if they reached out for money etc i never left then down, friends are more or less non existant ive always been an introvert and the few friends i have i dont really talk to especially since moving to such a rural place.

They have been gone off today all day since about 10 am came home probly thinking id be out walking like the rest of the week but i didnt bother as not really up to it, they came home to grab drink and since i was here got told wont be home until tomorrow otherwise i would be told nothing. Before i wouldnt be aloud stay out like that id be in for it if i did or get cold shoulder.

Also i realise they dont want to live alone i know they could afford it tbh wouldnt be nice paying extra rent and also coming bk to empty house, having to do all chores themselves. I have proposed moving out but it was labelled as a threat/attack but how is it fair on either of us if one starts seeing someone? Id imagine my bed wouldnt of use.

Ive started packing a few bits here and there but alas with no car i need to be careful i dont want a row, ive contacted a few selllers of cars but none will deliver, one guy offered to collect me which is great but there's no nct on the car :-( id hate to get stopped and car taken off me while trying to move or if i get stuck living in it, ive about 4 realistic options on daft so i dont know.

Thanks everyone for the replys

HildaOgdenx · 06-09-2020 01:53PM

OP, my heart went out to you when I read your post last night. You are still beating yourself up about things that happened, and blaming yourself.

If someone told you things like ...
'ive copped endless flak for seeing my friends or being a bit late to collect them from work (10 mins) to an extent i go less and less involved with friends. I helped when they were going to be homeless, i insured on my car, dropped off and collected at every lesson. I could go on list is endless.

They have been gone off today all day since about 10 am came home probly thinking id be out walking like the rest of the week but i didnt bother as not really up to it, they came home to grab drink and since i was here got told wont be home until tomorrow otherwise i would be told nothing. Before i wouldnt be aloud stay out like that id be in for it if i did or get cold shoulder.'

What would you think? If a friend or sibling told you that was how they were being treated, what advice would you give to them? You don't have to answer. It can be helpful sometimes to think about a situation in that light.

They have definitely played a significant part in isolating you from others. This person wants, at best, a housemate. As you have said, someone to share the rent, the chores and so that they won't be living on their own. It's no longer a relationship, not even one on life support, in my opinion.
And it's no way to live.

I appreciate that it's very easy to say, and not so easy to do, but I hope that you can move out and that one of the options on DAFT works out for you. I hope that you will keep talking to your sibling and keeping them in the picture.

I hope that you will pick up the phone to the organisation(s) mentioned upthread.

Take care.

Help and advice 3 year relationship over?

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