Non relationship with mother all life, looks like she'll die soon, unsure how to feel

I had the exact same relationship with my mother: overly attached as a teen and no contact as an adult. She was supportive of me and I also feel lucky. But the minute I turned 19 and went to college, she resented my independence. She was later hospitalised and diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Emotional instability and feelings of abandonment are characteristic of this disorder. Interpersonal relationships are very difficult and suicidality is common too. Maybe if you read up on this condition you will gain an understanding of why she treats you this way and why it isn't anything to do with you. Unfortunately, without your mother undergoing intensive therapy, things are unlikely to change ( in the case of Borderline personality disorder it is a therapy called DBT, or dialectical behavioural therapy).

Best of luck and feel free to ask any questions.

Hi CityMouse, first of all I understand this is a terribly difficult and emotionally confusing time for you and I hope you're managing to get through it. As suneshinew said above, unless someone has gone through something like this it's impossible for them to understand.

I've seen a similar situation first hand, and as another poster said above, it sounds to me as well like your mother likely has Borderline Personality Disorder. You seem to have identified the issues quite well - her having you latch on to her as a child and then resent you becoming independent is very much consistent with BPD. You also say that her sister tortured her emotionally, again not surprising. At least partly as a result of this, she probably tortured herself emotionally and those closest to her, such as her children.

When someone's parent has BPD, the type of experiences you're subjected to make it highly likely the children will end up with severely irrational and self-destructive behaviours, often resulting in substance abuse, again as you mentioned yourself. Those who manage to break the cycle of behaviour understand from a young age that having minimal contact is the solution. The problem with this of course is that it means the mother's worst fear comes true, i.e. feeling that they've been abandoned.

It's only my experience of seeing someone in this situation but I saw quite clearly that the person with BPD understood that they were inflicting terrible damage on those closest to them, and for whatever reason they were simply unable to stop. I know this sounds like a cop-out and weak excuse to try and justify someone's terrible actions, but it's a conclusion I reached after a lot of reflection and was a conclusion that I didn't actually want to reach because it made things more difficult to accept. So the person with BPD is unable to stop the destructive behaviour, but separately to this, they are capable of doing some quite positive things that push the children in a positive direction. The result can be crippling and confusing for the child, resulting in mixed emotions, but ultimately it seems to be the best the parent can manage. The end result – depending on the choice and hard work of the child – is that the inter-generational cycle is broken which is the case here. You also need to look at it from that point of view, you have managed to break the cycle which has been passed down through god knows how many generations, and thanks to the sacrifices of yourself, your children won’t have to go through the same thing.

The end result from the mother's point of view is that they feel they did their best (in spite of some of the horrible things that were done) and their best still wasn’t good enough to keep their children close to them. Hence, regret and anger aimed at the children who were “ungrateful” to understand the effort and sacrifices the mother put in to allow the children to begin the process of breaking the cycle.

The point that was made about dragging people back when they start to get away - this is entirely understandable. I think it's linked to the broader "Irish begrudgery" as well. The point is that once you start to climb out of the pit of this inter-generational trauma, the gulf between those who are still down there and you gets wider, and so they try to drag you back down to their level. They feel on some level that it's only fair that you should all suffer together.

Another point about BPD which is important to acknowledge is that usually the person has experienced trauma at a young age, often child sexual abuse. I'm not saying this is likely the case here but it is a common thing with people with BPD. It seems to be that a child has some biological predisposition and that combined with trauma and the absence of an emotionally supportive figure at that young age results in the person getting the condition. The person I saw with BPD often behaved exactly like a child, wild temper tantrums etc but instead of it being carried out by a child, it was of course carried out by an adult and the consequences are much more permanent. I've only read up a little bit about BPD but it seems that in one way the person with it is still trapped in that childish pattern of behaviour and can't break free. In my case when I understood that the person with BPD had these things in past (all of which were kept entirely hidden of course), I saw them and their situation differently, understanding that they were suffering deeply and carrying this wellspring of pain with them all their lives.

You said “I mean, if I had the strength of character to tolerate the emotional undermining, the subtle insults, the conversations that would leave a black cloud over my head for days, if I had whatever fantastical qualities that would allow me to do that, I would do it.” It seems impossible to try and find any peace with your mother, I see that. But my advice to you would be that it's possible to try and find some peace without having to fix all these issues or even going into the bad things from the past. If you can somehow get across to her that she has helped you in many ways despite her flaws, and now you are on the right path, and part of that is thanks to her - then I think that is exactly what she will want to hear and will bring her some peace.

It doesn’t have to be a big dramatic “I love you and forgive you” moment like a film, but just a simple thing like doing a small nice gesture, maybe getting her a thoughtful present, and then chatting and trying to steer your conversation towards the good times – “remember we went to x place years ago and this happened”. Then look towards the future and say something like “I think when I have children, I will read those same books/stories to them that you read to me.”

I know I've rambled a bit there but I hope this makes some sense and you can take something from it, CityMouse. This kind of situation is probably the most difficult emotionally that I've ever seen and that's why trying to fix it is so hard. We're talking about the mother-child instinct which evolution has refined over millions of years and when something like this goes wrong, it's terribly complicated.

I saw the comedian Des Bishop on the Late Late Show a few months ago and he was talking about something similar. He said his mother was a "formidable woman" and when question that that meant, he said she bet the **** out of him and his brothers. He said the very last thing she said on her deathbed were the words "sorry, sorry" and no one in the family knew what she was talking about, they all presumed it was because she was dying and the morphine and she didn't know what was happening. But Des Bishop said he interpreted that as his mother feeling guilt as a result of how she treated her children. Very sad, but also somewhat comforting to know that her story ended on a note of reconciliation.

Anyway CityMouse, I wish you all the best.
Dan.