Lazy dating?

Maybe you’re overthinking it and the lad just enjoys your company and likes hanging out with you.

If you look hard enough for a problem you’ll probably find one.

KiKi III wrote: »

Next time he says “I don’t mind” say “Have a think about it and surprise me”, in a flirty (not demanding) way and see what happens.

Sometimes you just need to be clear about what you want.

Best advice I've seen yet

Ella281 wrote: »

I don’t want to be fussy or picky.
I just want the man I’m seeing to be equally as excited about me and want to make plans with me and is proactive.
Not letting me take the lad for EVERY date.
It’s annoying.

He seems too laid back and I'm like you I like someone with energy and to show they are keen. Not in an intense way but to give some signs. This guy just strikes me as a go with the flow type and will never take the lead. Its just his personality. I suppose its really upto you but its bothering you so early on. Maybe just ask him. Are you interested and go from there?

Here's the point of view from a man.

He likes you, that's why he continues to see you. He also sees that you like him but you want to control him and change him into being a little different, remake him in a way that you would like him better.

He is a sensible young man because he isn't going to let you control him, as you would like to, and he is happy being himself. He sees what the future would be like under your thumb and he isn't going to give up his autonomy.

You're lucky. You've met a genuine guy who isn't a phony. Now you have to decide do you want an honest guy or to look for someone you can change into your vision of reality. Just my male two cents worth, not meaning to offend.

Ella281 wrote: »

I don’t want to control anyone or change anyone.

I just want him to make an effort ?

Do you want insight into how guys often think about women or not. He doesn't want to make an effort as you define it. He's making an effort as HE defines it.

You're bothered and annoyed, not indifferent. Those are strong feelings, so whatever he's doing he's got you emotionally invested. Yes?

Of course, I don't know either of you. I probably have no idea how women think about this but I'll tell you honestly I hated dating. My dates were more like hanging out with the person, talking, getting to know her on a personal level that doesn't happen in a club, restaurant or cinema.

guitarhappy wrote: »

Here's the point of view from a man.

He likes you, that's why he continues to see you. He also sees that you like him but you want to control him and change him into being a little different, remake him in a way that you would like him better.

He is a sensible young man because he isn't going to let you control him, as you would like to, and he is happy being himself. He sees what the future would be like under your thumb and he isn't going to give up his autonomy.

You're lucky. You've met a genuine guy who isn't a phony. Now you have to decide do you want an honest guy or to look for someone you can change into your vision of reality. Just my male two cents worth, not meaning to offend.

She's clearly not trying to 'change' him and if he's thinking that way she should really cut him loose, no one wants a man child.

OP it really sounds like he's only half interested and couldnt be bothered making an effort. Ive dated men like this before and left feeling confused and a little bit used, it was like they just enjoyed the attention and getting what they wanted without having to make any effort themselves. Relationships work both ways, it's your call but if I was in your shoes I would stop making the effort with him and move on.

JasonStatham wrote: »

I think you should stop making the effort and see what he does....if he comes back to you he's interested. If not....well...

When someone is interested in you they make the effort. Even a small effort.

Good points by all above. I would prefer, rather than ghost him, if the OP would ask him what's up. Maybe he's shy, or doesn't have great social skills, likes her but is averse to the dating scene, or has a somewhat passive personality.
Or, maybe he's not really into her. That can hurt but better to find out than never deal with it and have it as lunresolved junk in the psychic background.

Hiking your pants up and talking to someone about an issue is better for your own personal development than ghosting or the passive aggressive dance of I won't call you first until you call me first.

For me personally I find that some men can be very insecure when it comes to being vulnerable - and that includes planning dates that then maybe you won't like. Could be that?

Either way the 'oull away and see what he does' approach is a bit of game playing you're using to test the waters and if you genuinely really like him I would suggest not using this approach but the "surprise' me one posted above.

Trying to work out what he is thinking or why he is doing something will get you nowhere. Whatever rubbish someone was spouting earlier telling you how men think and you're being controlling will also get you nowhere. Relationships are compromise, it's not about changing each other it's about caring enough about the other person and your relationship to change yourself so it works together.

If you like him then stop over thinking what he may be thinking and address it. If you're not bothered about him then cut your losses.

guitarhappy wrote: »

I love you too darling. Muaah.

Right back atcha, babes. I do agree with you in some ways actually but not all men are the same and if he thinks she's controlling and doesn't like it he can feck off or open his mouth and say it and if he does like it then he's looking for his mammy and only a certain type of woman is up for that.

I just think it's better to talk than guess in the long run. The guessing is fun if it's part of the happy flirty game but not if it becomes over thinking.

guitarhappy wrote: »

Here's the point of view from a man.

He likes you, that's why he continues to see you. He also sees that you like him but you want to control him and change him into being a little different, remake him in a way that you would like him better.

He is a sensible young man because he isn't going to let you control him, as you would like to, and he is happy being himself. He sees what the future would be like under your thumb and he isn't going to give up his autonomy.

You're lucky. You've met a genuine guy who isn't a phony. Now you have to decide do you want an honest guy or to look for someone you can change into your vision of reality. Just my male two cents worth, not meaning to offend.

Also a man here and this is an odd POV. It’s bleeding out issues that haven’t been gotten over. You hear someone say they want someone to come up with the plan for a date just once and you translate it as ‘you’re trying to control him and take his autonomy’?! I mean...for a start, no she’s not. If anything she wants him to have control and autonomy. At best she’s sick of being the only one making the plans because that’s draining, and at worst she finds it unattractive that he can’t make a decision because when you’re dating someone it’s about sharing lives and so far he’s just tagging along to her ideas so she’s not actually getting new experiences. The fact you receive all of that as trying to control his autonomy just suggests that that’s an issue you have that you’re projecting here. Plus what you’re describing suggests he’s pushing back in some way to retain his autonomy, which is the complete opposite of what’s happening, he’s saying “I don’t mind” to everything she says. I think you’ve completely misread this situation tbh.

OP one thing to keep in mind: I went on a few dates with someone recently. Every idea I had they’d immediately veto or give out about and instead come up with their own one. Tbh I started to lose interest for this reason, their own ideas of dates were very cliched date ideas that everyone does for Insta pics tbh instead of us actually doing stuff based around our interests, having genuine experiences personal to us etc. But I’d go along with their idea to avoid conflict in the early days and because I’d have fun with them whatever we did. I’m also usually the one who plans so it was nice to try out the other side for once too. Now they may say the same as you about me, but they’ll probably forget that I said this, this and this and they immediately shot it down. Some people just like to make the plans and I know myself I was like “I don’t care what we do because I’m enjoying the time we’re spending together, plus it seems to matter to you more if we’re going for walks/drinks here rather than here.”

I’m not saying you’re doing the same, but it’s worth looking at. Maybe he thinks you like to make the plans and be the one in charge, are you the person in your friends group who’d generally take the first step in making plans for example? If so, then he might see it as a good thing he’s letting you take the lead. So, as someone said, state your needs. The passive-aggressive way of saying “surprise me” isn’t a bad idea. Then again as you get older you realise you can just say things out straight in a non-confrontational way and generally you’ll get to the root of the issue immediately rather than wasting your time, so saying “We seem to always do what I wanna do and I like being surprised, so are you okay to come up with the plan for the next one?” It’s just a more direct version of ‘surprise me’ that lets him know this is something you like/want, and if he drops the ball he’s no real excuse and it makes it easier for you to make your own decision.

guitarhappy wrote: »

That sounds so sweet. Like when you get a new puppy and he's thrilled to follow you around everywhere you go. No questions asked.

But in that situation, the puppy thinks you are it’s mum. Not what OP is after I’d wager.

I think it's pretty simple, I honestly think you should just stop contacting him, let alone making any plans or suggestions for meet ups and things to do anymore. Did you try it before?

You will have an equally simple answer with the outcome: Whether he's contacting you soon enough (not just after a week or so) or not. That's your answer of his interest.:)