Can't agree where to live

LegacyUser · 15-07-2020 09:34PM #1

Apologies for long post. Would appreciate any advice or words of wisdom.
My boyfriend and I have been together with 3 years since last March. He lives and works in Dublin and I live and work in a commuter town outside Dublin. Generally we only see one another at weekends and sometimes on a weekday evening. Also I am from down the country so I go down to my parents every few weekends in which case we may go a fortnight without meeting. We’ve seen very little of one another since March 13th and the lockdown beginning.
The main issue is that I’m not keen at all to live in Dublin City, would much prefer to live in a more rural setting or at the very least in a smaller town such as where I currently live. He on the other hand wants to be in Dublin and realistically it is the only place where he could get a job in his line of work but he’s not willing to live outside the city and commute. This became an issue last year when we began thinking about where we are going in the long term as we both have different ideas about where we want to live and moving in together seems to be the next step for us and the best way of spending more time together. Eventually last summer we took 3 months apart as I was applying for jobs to move closer to my family so there was a lot of uncertainty and we could not agree on what to do. Those job applications didn’t come to anything so I stayed where I was and we established communication again and decided we’d give things another try and I said I would look at applying for jobs in Dublin and try living there and see how it goes. I applied for suitable jobs since October 2019 and made a really genuine effort.
Finally I have gotten a job (12 month contract) in Dublin starting in September so we discussed making the move. I’m not feeling enthusiastic about it at all. I’ve spent a lot of time with my parents during lockdown and it has really reminded me of all the reasons why I wanted to be closer to home and live in a more rural area when I was working towards that last year. Also when we have discussed my moving in, he has been quite inflexible about it. I had requests and suggestions of things I would like to do or change in the house – nothing major or dramatic. For example I wanted to put up a shelf in the bathroom to hold my toiletries, etc. Just small things like that and he’s just being difficult about it.
At the moment I’m not sure what to do – obviously we need to talk about it. It might be worth trying it out and seeing how it goes, I may like living in Dublin more than I think. Alternatively, maybe it’s just not for me and I need to cut my losses now and move on as it will be harder to get out of it once we’re living together.

MrsBean · 16-07-2020 01:50AM

In general are you happy with your relationship?

From your post it sounds like you want different things in the long term. Often people want different things in life but relationships involve compromise, and compromise involves communication and understanding. I mean no offence by this but it doesn't sound like that is present in your relationship as it stands. I'm not sure of your age but three years in to a relationship I feel that is something you should have down.

Your family are clearly very important to you and living close to them is a priority for you. That's not something you should have to sacrifice.

Having your partner move in shouldn't illicit the sort of moody territorial response that he is having, uncomfortable about putting up a shelf etc. Doesn't exactly sound welcoming and I personally wouldn't be comfortable moving in somewhere I didn't feel welcome.

You said you're not feeling enthusiastic about the move to Dublin - is that predominantly because your boyfriend is being difficult about you moving in? If you were to find somewhere to live that was close to Dublin and commutable for the new job how would that make you feel? That way you can keep your options open and if you don't like Dublin then at least you gave it a shot. Gives you a bit more time to figure out if you and your partner are truly compatible too. Or pull the trigger sooner and look for a job where you really want to live and don't move in with him at all.

qwerty13 · 16-07-2020 02:31AM

I gather from the fact that you don’t see each other mid week that you live in quite a far away ‘commuter town’. When you say he’s not willing to commute, does that mean to the town you currently live in, or a nearer to Dublin commuter town?

If his only job prospects are in Dublin, I have to say that a daily very long commute is utterly exhausting. Not good for relationship time. Would not be good for family time, if you choose to have kids, and it can be quite expensive. It sounds like you have flexibility re where you work, but that he does not. Tbh I don’t think it’s fair to ask him to do a very long daily commute to meet your preferred living area, if he has no control over where he can work. You’d be getting what you want, at at high financial and well-being cost to him.

It actually doesn’t sound like you’d be happy living in a commuter town. It sounds as though you want a rural environment - but that his job is never going to be compatible with that. So if you want this relationship to work, you’re going to have to be the one that compromises on location. If you can do that and reconcile yourself to that, great. If not, I’m afraid the relationship is dead in the water.

Regarding the bathroom shelf etc, I don’t know what to say about that. Hard to know if he’s just being difficult about stupid things, or if he’s pissed off because he thinks you’re trying to push him into your preferred rural environment and a very long commute, ie that he thinks you’re trying to push him into the life that you want (which ticks all the boxes for you), but that he’s left with a daily crap commute. I’d wonder if he’s rebelling against the simple things, because that’s easier than telling you that he can’t see himself coping with the location/lifestyle you want.

Tork · 16-07-2020 10:04AM

There isn't any simple answer to this one and maybe your differences will lead to the end of this relationship. Neither of you is wrong for wanting different things and maybe you're too different for this to work. For now, I think you should go ahead with the move and the new job and see how you get on. That way, you will find out how compatible you and he are when you're living full-time under the same roof. It'll also be a taster for a possible future life in Dublin. At this stage I don't see what you have to lose. if it doesn't work out, you can walk away from the relationship without those nagging "What if?" thoughts in your mind.

sadie1502 · 16-07-2020 10:41AM

I'm literally 20 mins from my family home and I feel its too far. Mad as it may seem. My dad is getting on. My mam passed away suddenly I. 2018 and now I just feel I can't be close enough to home. Go with your gut is my advise.

qwerty13 · 16-07-2020 11:52AM

sadie1502 wrote: »

I'm literally 20 mins from my family home and I feel its too far. Mad as it may seem. My dad is getting on. My mam passed away suddenly I. 2018 and now I just feel I can't be close enough to home. Go with your gut is my advise.

And what about how far the OP’s partner is from his family home? Or how far he has to commute every day?

beauf · 16-07-2020 12:05PM

qwerty13 wrote: »

And what about how far the OP’s partner is from his family home? Or how far he has to commute every day?

It's all subjective. He obviously can live with it.

beauf · 16-07-2020 12:15PM

I don't think where to live is really the issue.

You are not interacting like a couple in 3yr relationship. It's more like people who just started dating. He at least has not moved beyond this. His mindset isn't in the same place as yours.

A long term relationship shouldn't be this hard, he should be pulling out all the stops to move in with you.

That's my two cents I could be completely wrong..

HildaOgdenx · 16-07-2020 12:47PM

Tork wrote: »

There isn't any simple answer to this one and maybe your differences will lead to the end of this relationship. Neither of you is wrong for wanting different things and maybe you're too different for this to work. For now, I think you should go ahead with the move and the new job and see how you get on. That way, you will find out how compatible you and he are when you're living full-time under the same roof. It'll also be a taster for a possible future life in Dublin. At this stage I don't see what you have to lose. if it doesn't work out, you can walk away from the relationship without those nagging "What if?" thoughts in your mind.

I agree with Tork. It's worth a try, at least. And if it doesn't work out, well it's a twelve month contract with your job, and presumably you could commute if necessary, to finish out the contract.

I'm guessing he already has/ owns a house. That's an aspect to consider, for both of you, how will that work from the small stuff, to the payment of bills and so forth. It's not a great start, imo, if he is 'being difficult', over what sounds like small changes, so that's definitely something you need to have a chat about.

As an aside, I know some couples for whom long distance works, for example, one is away a lot for work, so they are apart most weeks. It works for them.

KiKi III · 16-07-2020 01:05PM

If it’s a happy, loving relationship I think you’d be mad to “cut your losses and move on” instead of trying out living in the city. You never know, you might love it.

If it’s not, well that’s the real problem.

tara73 · 16-07-2020 02:56PM

KiKi III wrote: »

If it’s a happy, loving relationship I think you’d be mad to “cut your losses and move on” instead of trying out living in the city.

In a nutshell, I guess this is it.

Yor parents, do they already need care, looking after? Possibility they could pass away kind of every day? If that's the case, I can understand the urge from people to be as close as possible to the parents, but if everything is ok so far I think your priority should be your relationship.

I mean, what do you want from life, do you want to get married, have a family? If not, again that's a reason to question all the steps you need to make to live with him but that boils down, also again, in my opinion that you're not that mad about him and this relationship progressing.

Tork · 16-07-2020 03:19PM

To be fair, a lot of people value living near their family and not just because they think mum and dad might pop their clogs. Living near family can have a lot of advantages. especially when kids come along. There are also lots of people who are happier living in the countryside than in an urban area. It's all down to personal preferences, isn't it? I think moving in with him is a risk worth taking. Even if it is just to put to bed the doubs she seems to have about him. That isn't to say that Sadie's comment about going with her gut isn't also well worth taking on board. Sometimes it takes a while for us to hear what our gut is telling us.

sadie1502 · 16-07-2020 04:44PM

Tork wrote: »

To be fair, a lot of people value living near their family and not just because they think mum and dad might pop their clogs. Living near family can have a lot of advantages. especially when kids come along. There are also lots of people who are happier living in the countryside than in an urban area. It's all down to personal preferences, isn't it? I think moving in with him is a risk worth taking. Even if it is just to put to bed the doubs she seems to have about him. That isn't to say that Sadie's comment about going with her gut isn't also well worth taking on board. Sometimes it takes a while for us to hear what our gut is telling us.

Well to be fair that's not entirely what I meant. Just meant in cases of emergency or like that needing family members to help out if possible. Its just nice to be near them. And if you have serious doubts about living in the city well I wouldn't be jumping in feet first. You seem pretty unsure about the relationship reading between the lines.

Addle · 16-07-2020 05:21PM

You’ve the opportunity to give Dublin a chance.
Give it a genuine go.
If it doesn’t work out, at least you’ll always know you gave it a proper go.

1hnr79jr65 · 16-07-2020 06:27PM

Most posters seems to be advocating the Op move and give Dublin a try, however the point was made in first post that Op tried to have input on things like adding a shelf for her own cosmetics and other small issues. Also the fact the Op's partner seems completely inflexible to make any adjustment or come to a mutual agreement on changes with the Op.

I would be hesitant myself to make consideration of moving in with someone who would seem to not allow any sort interaction for change or upkeep for the benefit of their partner.

Op, from my perspective based on what you wrote, it would be prudent to evaluate if your partner is capable of flexibility even just on small things. Because if he is not it sounds like everything maybe on his terms and that is a poor basis to build a relationship on.

tara73 · 16-07-2020 06:58PM

Tork wrote: »

To be fair, a lot of people value living near their family and not just because they think mum and dad might pop their clogs. Living near family can have a lot of advantages. especially when kids come along. There are also lots of people who are happier living in the countryside than in an urban area. It's all down to personal preferences, isn't it?

yes, surely, but this is not the simple questions the OP is asking, it involves the bit of emotional turmoil the OP describes in her post, it involves a relationship issue, hence my two cents to it in my post.:)

sadie1502 · 16-07-2020 11:50PM

tara73 wrote: »

In a nutshell, I guess this is it.

Yor parents, do they already need care, looking after? Possibility they could pass away kind of every day? If that's the case, I can understand the urge from people to be as close as possible to the parents, but if everything is ok so far I think your priority should be your relationship.

I mean, what do you want from life, do you want to get married, have a family? If not, again that's a reason to question all the steps you need to make to live with him but that boils down, also again, in my opinion that you're not that mad about him and this relationship progressing.

Yeah I see what you mean. Its a bit of I want justification to cut my losses now. I know the answer but I just want validation in my decision which I already know.

Newbie20 · 17-07-2020 12:40AM

I can identify with this post because myself and my wife are from different counties and we had many arguments over where we would settle down. Compromise has to happen eventually and unfortunately one person usually has to do this moreso than the other.

In this case if you move in with him in Dublin you are the one doing the compromising. So the fact that he won’t even let you put up a shelf or make a couple of changes, he’s being a bit of a dick to be honest. I’d be concerned about him not showing the tiniest bit of compromise here when you are the one making a huge one.

Even though my wife and I had massive arguments over location we both knew that the relationship would never break up over it, that we would come to some agreement, we just had to thrash it out. If he loves you he should at least consider the idea of moving to a commuter town if not to your home place.

rainbowtrout · 17-07-2020 02:44AM

The logical thing as it currently stands would be to move in with him as you are both going to be working in Dublin for the next year at least. It also sounds like he owns his own house, so I can imagine that he would see it as taking a step backwards if he was to go renting in a commuter town and then having to rent out his own house to cover the mortgage and perhaps become a landlord when he had no intention of doing so. Both of you would then be commuting and spending a long time on the road everyday. I can see why he would not be in favour.

However the shelf thing is a bit odd. If you do move in with him you are conceding on the location, he gets to remain in his home, but if he wants you to feel like it's your home too, then putting up a shelf for your stuff isn't a big ask. Hard to make it feel like your home if you can't feel at home there.

You said you weren't enthusiastic about it. How much of that is to do with living in the city and how much to do with moving into your boyfriend's house?

Tork · 17-07-2020 10:17AM

One reason why I was advocating you move in with him was to also explore what he is really like. That behaviour over the shelf is a bit dickish, to be fair, as is his inflexibility. You can't really find out what somebody is like when you're only seeing them at weekends and once a week so this would be the acid test. My gut tells me you'd be better off cutting your losses and moving back to where you're the happiest but what would I know? It's a decision for you to weigh up.

laserlad2010 · 17-07-2020 12:38PM

Hold on, if this is a rented house (which it sounds like it is) then of course he'd be difficult about making changes as you'd need the landlords advice?

OP can you clarify the living situation - if he owns his house and you're disagreeing about shelves in the bathroom then he could be more flexible (but you need to be clear about "difficult" i.e. is he just not sure about the shelf itself?) but if this is rented accommodation then why do you think you can just bang up a shelf?

rainbowtrout · 17-07-2020 01:00PM

laserlad2010 wrote: »

Hold on, if this is a rented house (which it sounds like it is) then of course he'd be difficult about making changes as you'd need the landlords advice?

OP can you clarify the living situation - if he owns his house and you're disagreeing about shelves in the bathroom then he could be more flexible (but you need to be clear about "difficult" i.e. is he just not sure about the shelf itself?) but if this is rented accommodation then why do you think you can just bang up a shelf?

Well it sounds like he lives on his own, and she describes his place as a house. Given the cost of living in Dublin it's probably more likely that he owns the house rather than rent it. Granted, he could be on a very high salary and could afford to rent the house, but if it was a rented house and he wasn't allowed to put up shelves, the explanation on shelving would be very simple as I'm sure the OP is aware as she rents herself.

OP, last summer effectively you split up for three months as you were planning to move home and you couldn't come to a resolution on where to live. It sounds like you are back at this position now, although you now have a job in Dublin. Has the relationship developed since you got back together? Because it sounds like he said 'I want to live and work in the city', and you said 'I want to get a job back home and move back there to a rural area' and you decided to go your separate ways because you couldn't reach a compromise.

His position is stronger now (and more logical) with both of your jobs in Dublin and his house in Dublin. If you had got a job back home, would the relationship last and is it strong enough to overcome the location problem?

LegacyUser · 18-07-2020 12:51AM

OP: you've told us your gut doesn't feel right about moving to Dublin....Listen to it. It will be a hell of a lot harder/messier to leave when/if you move in.
But seriously, listen to your gut !!
And good luck !

Can't agree where to live

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