Husbands affair has left me devastated

strandroad · 14-07-2020 10:26AM

padser wrote: »

You really need to critically look at yourself. It might not be popular, but relationships are two way things and it's rare to come across someone with as little critical self reflection as you. You actually referred to yourself as the " perfect" wife.

As long as you keep seeing yourself as a completely innocent victim who was perfect and had this done to you it will be very difficult to forgive your husband.

Why would you forgive him? He is the pr1ck who cheated on his "perfect" wife!

The OP said "so called" and "perfect" in quotes so I took it to be a clear indication that she is referring to a social convention and not talking about herself being perfect? Where do you get it from?

eviltwin · 14-07-2020 10:43AM

Sometimes by trying to be “perfect” you end up doing so much for the other person that you become a doormat. Relationships are meant to be a compromise, if the OP was constantly the one giving her husband might have lost some respect for her and his own over inflated ego might have felt entitled to his fun.

I’m not blaming the OP here at all but when she says that her husband changed she might be ignoring that she might have changed too.

Kalimah · 14-07-2020 11:24AM

I feel very sorry for you OP. I think if it was me I wouldn't be able to get past the betrayal. As someone else said it's like a bereavement. I wonder were you trying to too hard to be perfect, great cook, meticulous home etc etc? That won't cut the mustard if your other half is selfish enough to stray. I had a friend exactly like that, a perfect beautiful wife, gorgeous house and the husband was a selfish b who had affairs left right and centre. She eventually got rid of him.

Time now to reclaim your own life, resume your career, maybe go on a girlie break and/or take up a few hobbies that take you out of the house a few nights a week. Let him feel your anger every day of the week. And I hope you have kicked that so called "friend" into touch. I wouldn't be too far behind the door letting others know what she's like. To do that to a friend is unforgiveable.

Daisy78 · 14-07-2020 06:01PM

Do you actually want to stay in a marriage with this man though? You’ve described him as selfish and arrogant, leaving the affair aside is it worth staying in a relationship with him. Does he have any good qualities at all? Also how active is he in participating in your counselling sessions? I’d be a bit suspicious of his eagerness to attend, is he genuinely looking to understand how this affair happened and how he can make amends or is he going through the motions to get you back on side again?

SuzyHomemaker · 15-07-2020 10:41AM

I’ve had a read through all the replies on here and I can see people’s opinions of relationships and cheating are all different. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t experienced it can truly judge a situation like this and of course there are many layers to this that I can’t or won’t go into before it’s a public forum. I certainly would never have thought I would have even considered staying.

Just a few other comments to add...
The other woman was someone that I completely misjudged. She spoke to me about how unhappy she was in her marriage, how her much older husband hadn’t slept with her in years. And how she admired my life. I see now she had this in her sights for a while. She insisted on spending time with us with and without her husband. That doesn’t absolve my husband, he is the one who betrayed me. But I see how dangerous opportunity is. No one should ever get complacent no matter how good you think your marriage is. She was a confident presence and maybe the exact opposite of me and an exciting person to be around. 100% fun. He was probably bored. It’s a pretty shallow reason but it seems to be the one that’s emerging. And honestly he knows I would have done anything to please him so he took the easy route to excitement instead of talking to me.

I never said nor do I think that I am perfect, I merely stated that from the outside looking in I would have seemed like a good wife. I was attentive, permissive, helpful etc. My husband had become distant and disregarding in many aspects of our life including around me. I realise now that I had made it too easy to assume I would always be there for him. This was not something that I realised before the affair. It’s only on reflection and through counselling that this has come out. I was happy with my life before the affair and I truly thought I had a good marriage and my husband was devoted to me. The counseller has said that I was 100% not to blame and that he has many issues from childhood etc... the usual. My only regret is that I didn’t trust my instincts around them.

He is extremely remorseful to the point that I almost feel sorry for him. He is putting his heart and soul into the counselling and I am confident that he is genuine in his efforts. My problem is that I feel as the weeks go on that I just don’t know him anymore and he’s possibly not the person that I see myself with anymore. I think that now that I can see how dismissive he was of me that I just don’t like what I see.
I just don’t think I can put all this effort into a new relationship with him after putting so much energy and sacrificing so much already. I think the resentment will gradually overpower me.

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies guys.

tara73 · 15-07-2020 01:25PM

SuzyHomemaker wrote: »

He is extremely remorseful to the point that I almost feel sorry for him. He is putting his heart and soul into the counselling and I am confident that he is genuine in his efforts. My problem is that I feel as the weeks go on that I just don’t know him anymore and he’s possibly not the person that I see myself with anymore. I think that now that I can see how dismissive he was of me that I just don’t like what I see.

I know it's all very raw and that's why you phrased it this way but it's actually not your problem, it's the opposite, you see him for what he is or can be, you see it very clearly, that hurts but you're on the right track and there's no problem with you, as said, the opposite.

Just wanted to tell you, as you still seem to blame yourself, even for seeing the things clearly as they are.
You are very strong, I wish you all the best with whatever decision you make. You might give him another chance and if that wasn't the right decision, it will come through, only important thing here is you are making that decisions for yourself and not for him or anybody else.

Xterminator · 15-07-2020 04:24PM

Suzyhomemaker, i think you have been very unselfish about the marriage and your actions since the betrayal came to light. i think that it is possible to overcome a cheating spouse and still have a good life together.

But if you try counselling and its just not working for you, then there is no fault attached to you. I think you feel some guilt at the idea of dissolving the marriage, along with the natural worry about the future, about money, living arrangements, the whole dealing with the kids issues.

Its an awful lot to have to deal with. But i'm guessing if you have learned one thing from the whole affair, it is to trust your own gut instinct. If you don't think you can be in a loving relationship with this man anymore - despite his remorse, then you probably need to broach the idea of separation during the counselling sessions.

Do what is right for you. Use your own feelings as your compass. Even if its not what is easiest.

Up Donegal · 15-07-2020 09:24PM

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Hi OP,

My sympathies for what you're going through currently, it's never nice being the innocent party in such a situation and having to deal with the impact of being betrayed by your partner. And that the fact that it was with your 'friend' just compounds the hurt.

I don't want to use a cliche like "Time is a great healer", but what I would say is that if your husband is truly remorseful, don't make any rush decisions yet. Some marriages end over affairs, others come back even strongers and the trust is rebuilt - though it takes work from both sides, especially the one who broke the trust. Allow yourself time to deal with the feelings from this and allow yourself time to decide if you want to continue your marriage, and if you think you can reach a place where you can trust your husband again.

I note throughout your post that there is a strong sense of implying you had this picture perfect marriage - as if there are a lot of boxes which make a happy marriage (trust / children / financial security / sex / etc) and you felt you had ticked them all. Projecting a family image which was like something from a film or magazine where everyone is secure and happy and loving life. Is it possible your husband had a very different perception of things, and perhaps this is why he didn't walk away from an affair instead of embarking on one?

Sometimes trying to maintain such an idyllic and 'perfect' life is a huge pressure in itself. In my own experience, we are all human and all prone to making mistakes and bad judgement calls. And beyond that, life itself can often throw unexpected things at us - financial, emotional, health, and so on. And for that reason, I feel you can certainly aim to tick a lot of these boxes but it's futile to try and consistently believe in a 100% perfect life, setting yourself up for more disappointment when some negative event eventually occurs. Expect that life will have bumps in the road, some big and some small, and there will be times that you have to choose to navigate past these bumps or turn around.

Good point.

Up Donegal · 15-07-2020 09:28PM

sallyanne12 wrote: »

I guess you are one of the naive ones who think their partner would never cheat. Any man is capable of it as is apparent from the OP and her seemingly perfect husband. Its nature. Men are designed to want to sleep with lots of women. I don’t agree with cheating I am probably one of the people who feels most strongly against it but I know that it’s very hard for Most men to turn down a beautiful woman. Some do turn them down of course but a lot of times their brain isn’t doing the thinking. That’s all I’m saying. So sometimes it’s nothing to do with love

Women can cheat too and can cause as much heartbreak as when a man cheats.

qwerty13 · 16-07-2020 12:12AM

qwerty13 wrote: »

“About 3 years ago we finally reached a place that I thought brought us to where we had always wanted to be. However, since then my husband became increasingly arrogant and selfish”

What happened 3 years ago OP? It sounds like you had wildly different views of where your lives were at/ what you both wanted. Are you talking financially or relationship ‘where you wanted to be’?

It sounds like he had an abrupt personality or attitude change 3 years ago. Or maybe it was always there, but came to the fore when a difference of opinion on ‘where you wanted to be’ emerged. Is there conflict between you dating from then? Not that that excuses him in any way.

I guess I’m trying to think whether there are underlying problems going back to 3 years ago, or he had a (very bad) temporary moment (month) of madness. For me personally, that might lead to very different outcomes in terms of staying/leaving.

I guess when I posted this before, I was trying to understand if the affair is the symptom or the cause.

If he acted totally out of character, and behaved ridiculously stupidly like a star-struck teenager drunk on attention for a short space of time, that’s one thing.

However, if his behaviour change has been dating back 3 years, and he has been taking you for granted, dismissing you, not being a true partner or appreciating your contribution to your family life, then that’s something quite different - and in my view if that’s how things happened, then that is the real problem, and the affair is the ultimate expression of that. That’s what I meant by it leading to a very different outcome in terms of staying or leaving.

I’m not getting any sense of how the relationship between the two you was. The things you’ve described are all on the periphery - your house, your kids, your cooking, your socialising together. How do you think your relationship with him was, prior to the affair? Did he value you? Listen to you? Did you make time for each other?

LegacyUser · 17-07-2020 11:45PM

OP: I feel your pain. I thought I had a perfect life, like you, seemingly perfect life, 3 beautiful children, perfect family, plenty of money, nice cars/house....and I completely adored my husband. My husband had several affairs, but the one he was caught out on was the last. I tried everything to fix my marriage and still feel guilty to this day that my children have grown up without their father, he left, but I feel the guilt !! In the end of the day it came to a stage where I just couldn't be intimate with him again knowing that he had been riding elsewhere. I just couldn't !!
Anyway here we are 12 years on, I'm very much divorced and although I'm still single, I'm not living a lie. There are sometimes in life that you just have to value yourself above all appearances.
Now , I don't trust a soul, and I've never really gotten over the betrayal, even after all these years.
You are bound to be devastated, it's so hard to actually accept that your life isn't as it seemed, especially when you were/are a social couple. I totally understand that . Sometimes I would wonder in my head who knew what, how many people were looking at me with pity etc....it genuinely gave me panic attacks. You need to go to your GP, get counselling and decide what to do....plan an exit strategy if you must, and go to a solicitor(even just for advice). In the end of the day, I really tried to forgive my husband, I almost convinced myself that I could forgive him, but the cost was an empty soul and broken heart, and being only 32 at the time,I knew I couldn't carryon the rest of my life like that.
I wish you the best, some people can work through it, but if you can't, then plan your exit , now.

Husbands affair has left me devastated

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