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Husbands affair

  • 06-05-2020 02:44PM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭


    Several years ago, in 2015-2016 i had found texts on my husbands phone, from another woman, while the texts were graphic, he always denied they had sex and it was just texts but i always had my doubts.ive always thrown it up at him, and never trusted him.
    Fast forward to monday just gone. He confessed to having sex with her. Now the problem is, she has a 2 year old, and he doesnt know if the child is his.
    This other "woman" is married and the above child is her 4th. I dont think her husband is any the wiser either.
    He claims that he doesnt know when he was with her, and it could of been when the child was concieved which was around june 17.
    I dont know what to. He doesnt really seem like he wants to know if the kid is his or not. Hes of the mindset that if she was then she would of said so by now.
    Im sorry that the sbove is probably very confusing. Im distraught. We have a few children here too and with lockdown i cant seem to have a minute to breathe.


Comments

  • #2
    Ande1975
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 446 ✭✭Ande1975


    Sorry to hear that has happened to you. Especially in times like this.
    So you saw texts on his phone, he denied them and even though you 'never trusted' him, why did you stay with him?
    When you lose trust, you lose love, your marriage....
    It sounds like (from reading what you have written) he has discovered she has a child that could potentially be his and has come clean.
    So not only have you found out he did cheat but also may have fathered a child with her.
    Taking the possibility of a child out of the equation, your husband has confirmed he cheated on you. What do you want to do?
    Taking the child into question, do you want to know? Deep down I think you know you do.
    What happened that this all came out? Might help shed light on things.


  • #3
    dmm82
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 595 ✭✭✭dmm82


    If the child is 2 and you found texts in 2016 does that mean the affair continued on for 2 years after you found the texts?


  • #4
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    I'm so sorry this happend to you, you must feel horrible. As for the child, you can do two things: a paternity test (she'd have to do it and agree to it obviously) but if it turns out the be your husband's things could get even more ugly or let things be as they are and decide what you'll next step will be regarding this " relationship" with you husband.

    I wish you all the best


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    dmm82 wrote: »
    If the child is 2 and you found texts in 2016 does that mean the affair continued on for 2 years after you found the texts?

    He says not. He says that it stopped and they got back in touch. She lives down the road from us,i see her all the times. Makes it all the harder


  • #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Jenneke87 wrote: »
    I'm so sorry this happend to you, you must feel horrible. As for the child, you can do two things: a paternity test (she'd have to do it and agree to it obviously) but if it turns out the be your husband's things could get even more ugly or let things be as they are and decide what you'll next step will be regarding this " relationship" with you husband.

    Im really very confused. We try to talk but there seems to be anger and bitterness from us both. There are times i want him to leave, to give me space and other times i just want a hug.


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  • #7
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    It’s not that I don’t understand why people stay with partners after finding this stuff out, I do totally get it, a marriage isn’t just something to be thrown away in an emotional state and I’m sure many couples have recovered. But OP have a search through this forum over the years and see how you feel reading topics from people in situations similar to yours. See if a lot of their situations match up with yours now, and see how it worked out as the thread goes on.

    Sadly it regularly follows the same pattern: cheater admits to what they’ve been caught doing and nothing more, partner chooses to take their word and forgives, further information comes out down the line that leaves it impossible to deny that more happened. You have the information you need here, he chose to lie to you when caught, for years, and denied you the right to make your own decision about what you devoted years more of your life towards.

    If it helps you figure the next stage out, try this exercise: close your eyes and imagine you had done exactly everything he’s done to you, really think about it in-depth, step-by-step. Then ask yourself “How would I need to feel about the other person to do all of that to them?” It may be painful but I suggest you go through it anyway, because it’ll give you the perspective you need to handle the situation best for yourself and make you see what parts of the stuff he’s saying is BS to keep you on-side and what isn’t.

    I’m sorry this happened to you during lockdown especially, I can’t imagine how much tougher that makes it. But you don’t need to do anything about it today or tomorrow for months. You can just get through each day, putting one foot in front of the other, and process it all before deciding what to do.


  • #8
    dmm82
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 595 ✭✭✭dmm82


    Anon.1979 wrote: »
    He says not. He says that it stopped and they got back in touch. She lives down the road from us,i see her all the times. Makes it all the harder

    So they were together again at least once two years after you originally found the texts? Im so sorry that this has happened to you OP but how can you possible trust him or anything he says. You deserve so much better than that :(


  • #9
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,988 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    Does the other woman know that you found out about them?


  • #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Toots wrote: »
    Does the other woman know that you found out about them?

    She knows i origionally found the texts back in 2016. Her husband knew too as he sent me screen shots via a fake facebook page of texts he had found. I dont know if she knows that i have found out they were together in 2017. I only found it out on monday.
    I went for a walk yesterday, and i happened by chance to bump into the other womans husband, he was playing with the kids, incl this child in question. Child was having great fun with him, giggling,laughing calling him daddy.
    Part of me really wanted to tell him .but then maybe he has his suspicions too? And he obviously loves her. Did i want to do that to him? And to the childs brothers and sisters.
    I dont know what my husband is thinking, he wont talk to me really, we are under the same roof but dont talk. Its making it worse for me.
    What if he wanta to be with this woman and raise this child together? That would break me
    What if it is his, and we stay together, could i accept it?
    What if he loves her more then he loves his kids with me?
    Im not a strong person, over the last few days all ive wanted to do is end it all, just to make my head stop hurting and stop the hurt. But i dont even have the guts to do that. I dont know what i did so wrong


  • #11
    Kidchameleon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,482 ✭✭✭Kidchameleon


    Is there any chance your husband has passed on any medical conditions that would necessitate the child knowing in future?


    You say her husband knows she is a cheater, maybe he has already done a DNA test?


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  • #12
    Ande1975
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 446 ✭✭Ande1975


    Ano.n1979 wrote: »
    She knows i origionally found the texts back in 2016. Her husband knew too as he sent me screen shots via a fake facebook page of texts he had found. I dont know if she knows that i have found out they were together in 2017. I only found it out on monday.
    I went for a walk yesterday, and i happened by chance to bump into the other womans husband, he was playing with the kids, incl this child in question. Child was having great fun with him, giggling,laughing calling him daddy.
    Part of me really wanted to tell him .but then maybe he has his suspicions too? And he obviously loves her. Did i want to do that to him? And to the childs brothers and sisters.
    I dont know what my husband is thinking, he wont talk to me really, we are under the same roof but dont talk. Its making it worse for me.
    What if he wanta to be with this woman and raise this child together? That would break me
    What if it is his, and we stay together, could i accept it?
    What if he loves her more then he loves his kids with me?
    Im not a strong person, over the last few days all ive wanted to do is end it all, just to make my head stop hurting and stop the hurt. But i dont even have the guts to do that. I dont know what i did so wrong

    You need to take a breath. This is a lot to deal in normal circumstances but given the current climate - I cannot even imagine.
    What ifs aren't facts. You will drive yourself mad thinking like that.

    Did your husband show any remorse? Is he acting normal, as in as if nothing happened? Or has all communication stopped?
    What was your relationship like before this?

    You did absolutely nothing wrong. Don't even think like that for a minute.
    He is treating you like absolute garbage and no human being is entitled to do that to you. You are stronger than you know.


  • #13
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,424 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Ano.n1979 wrote: »
    She knows i origionally found the texts back in 2016. Her husband knew too as he sent me screen shots via a fake facebook page of texts he had found. I dont know if she knows that i have found out they were together in 2017. I only found it out on monday.
    I went for a walk yesterday, and i happened by chance to bump into the other womans husband, he was playing with the kids, incl this child in question. Child was having great fun with him, giggling,laughing calling him daddy.
    Part of me really wanted to tell him .but then maybe he has his suspicions too? And he obviously loves her. Did i want to do that to him? And to the childs brothers and sisters.

    Forget about this woman's husband. He is none of your concern. He knows his wife cheated, you don't know what went on between them after that or what agreement they came to. He might well have suspicions about the paternity of the child, or he might have done a paternity test, you don't know. But it's his business to establish if a child is his, not yours.
    Ano.n1979 wrote: »
    I dont know what my husband is thinking, he wont talk to me really, we are under the same roof but dont talk. Its making it worse for me.
    What if he wanta to be with this woman and raise this child together? That would break me
    What if it is his, and we stay together, could i accept it?
    What if he loves her more then he loves his kids with me?

    There's a lot of 'what does my husband want?' in there, but what do you want? It's not about what he wants and you just have to row in with his decision. You have a say in how you want your life to be.

    What he wants is irrelevant to your decision making. What do you want? Do you want to try and salvage your marriage? Do you want to break up with him? That's effectively what it comes down to.

    The idea that you propose above, gives him the choice in whether he forms a relationship with this other woman or if he doesn't he stays in his marriage with you. It sounds like you would just be accepting of his decision.

    He is the one that cheated, and there are consequences to that. If you choose to end the relationship, then that is your decision, and it's one he would have to live with.

    He doesn't get to ignore you and effectively ignore the situation. The child is somewhat of a red herring in this situation right now. Do you want to stay with a cheating husband or not? If not, then you should seek the advice of a solicitor on how to proceed, if you do want to stay with him, then you need to lay out ground rules on how you want the relationship to proceed. First of all he will have to start talking to you, you might want him to go to marriage counselling, you might ask him to take a paternity test (assuming with the agreement of this woman), to establish whether the child is his or not. Then you can see the lie of the land.

    Currently his avoidance of speaking to you is preventing any discussion on the situation. Take back control of your situation, he doesn't get to make that decision for you.


  • #14
    Larbre34
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,692 ✭✭✭✭Larbre34


    Throw him out, give her a boot in the flanchardstown.

    I'm not being flippant, there is no coming back from this. End it now and safe more guaranteed heartache, bitterness, resentment and a negative impact on your children.


  • #15
    woodchuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Hi Anon1979,
    Please know that you do not have to deal with this on your own.

    We encourage people experiencing difficulties to talk to someone they trust and, if appropriate, to go to their GP. If you need help urgently and outside of GP hours, please go to your nearest A&E department.

    Here at Boards.ie our moderators are not trained to support people experiencing difficulties. There are other organisations better positioned to provide specialised support. These organisations are listed below. We hope that you will follow these up so that you can get the help and support you need.

    If you need immediate help:
    Aware’s Support Line is open 7 days per week, 10am-10pm on 1800 804 848

    The Samaritan’s phone line is open 24/7 on 116 123

    Pieta offer one-to-one, face-to-face support. Click 'Contact us' to find the phone number and opening hours of your nearest branch on their site or email mary@pieta.ie for advice on getting an appointment.

    If you need non-urgent help:
    Aware have a support email service at supportmail@aware.ie

    There are some other useful services that you can use also listed here.


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