When does the joy come?

shesty · 21-04-2020 03:16PM

Yes when the second arrives and especially if you have a toddler, you realise that the newborn is (mostly) awesome and the toddler is a flipping nightmare.

But it doesn't take away from the fact that the sleep deprivation is incredibly hard and wears you down so much, no matter what baby it is.That is the biggest thing, above all else.

I was thinking last night,(as I did have 3 extremely windy uncomfortable babies),we did change formula on two of them (should have changed formula on the second one too in hindsight).Have you contemplated that at all?In conjunction with talking to your GP too obviously.Mine were also BF the first few weeks then on to formula, and absolutely on our third, a change of formula brand at about 16 weeks made a new baby-it was very marked.On our first, the really refluxy one, we ended up using SMA comfort, easy digest, which also helped.And always warm the bottles a bit as they are easier on their system to digest.I know the hospital say room temp is ok, but a warm bottle seems to sit better with very windy and refluxy babies.

If the baby is on Gaviscon,also be aware it can cause constipation, so more sore tummies.The only other thought I had was has the baby been checked for tongue tie??As this can cause what seem like reflux issues, and very bad wind (something I discovered way too late)

drunkmonkey · 21-04-2020 03:22PM

First is tough they've nobody to play with but you, I'd recommend a second not far behind, Irish twins, makes it a lot easier when there 3/4 as they entertain each other.
I'd recommend some beer to sooth yourself.

ax530 · 21-04-2020 03:30PM

feel for you good luck with babies by the time you figure this one out they will have come up with something else!
do you have a bouncy chair for the baby ? sometimes useful let them sit in it can bounce with foot can be calming.
if go out for a walk and baby goes to sleep leave them asleep in puschair when come back in.
Feed on demand they may just need little bit more milk.
I always found it harder if tryig to stick to a routine
In my house it worked mom being primary concerned with baby and dad with the mom (making tea meals ect)

5starpool · 22-04-2020 02:03PM

First is a shock to the system as everything changes. We were lucky enough in that our first was a relatively easy baby (or we've forgotten the difficult parts) but him as a toddler with a 5 month old baby that is fussier far more than his older brother was is really challenging for us at the minute. We're sleeping poorly, but have taken every second night with the baby so that at least we get better sleep those other nights. He's bottle fed too so that helps, but since he hit 4 months he is a nightmare at night. Sleeps well from 7pm until 11 probably, the rest of the night is terrible, whether we give him a bottle at 11pm, 3am or even 6am. Makes no difference to him. He'll grow into another phase at some point though, so it's just getting on with things.

Some good advice here in that you do what you can and ultimately what you have to. The adults look after each other, cope as well as you can, talk to anyone you can (professionally or friends/family) if you need to, and it will settle down. I can hear the baby crying now again, and while we both feel like throwing him out the window half the time, we've resisted that urge so far!

There will be times when your small baby melts your heart, them sitting up, crawling, first steps, first words, play time as they get bigger. They still press all the buttons, but not because they are trying to, but because they learn how to do things and what not to do by trial and error (often repeated) and do things because it is fun to them.

NotTotallySure · 24-04-2020 03:32PM

I won't tell you how long it took my twins to sleep at night as everyone is different but I can swear that once they sleep better at night it's a game changer. Sleep deprivation is the absolute worst. I felt like walking out the door sometimes as our sleep disruption was awful (twins with colic, and a flare-up of a chronic illness for me).

The first smiles at maybe 3 months old will make a lot of the routine seem worth it.

If there's any way you can give each other a night off (as in a full night of sleep!) even once a week its an essential recharge.

chops018 · 24-04-2020 03:43PM

New dad here. I have a newborn. Well, she is nearly 5 months now. To say the first few weeks were a shock is an understatement.

The baby had very bad colic. Wouldn't sleep at all. Poor mammy did 90% of the work as I was in shock, and although I was there, I just froze when trying to help and she would end up doing it.

Thankfully I copped on and got the finger out and just became more hands on. I literally would get home from work and take the baby and try do all the feeds, changes, playing, getting to sleep etc. I had to get help from mammy a lot but she was much happier helping me with these things when she saw I wanted to do it and that I was getting up during the night to do feeds etc. than me trying to turn away from it and let her do it all so to speak.

And you know what, doing all the above and trying to learn myself and becoming hands on made me appreciate the time with my baby much more. Granted, the mammy did end up having to help me a lot when I was trying to learn e.g. if the baby would not stop crying and I could not settle her obviously mammy would step in then as we did not want her to keep crying for too long.

The colic eased up after 2 months or so and she stated smiling and laughing and playing and she was like a new baby. She was starting to getting stronger also and still is every day, and discover things like her own feet and that she can use her own hands to grab things. I was also getting better with things such as adjusting to new sleeping patterns, changing, confident going on walks on my own with her etc. etc. and just generally feeling better about it all and starting to enjoy it.

Then the last few weeks the poor baba started teething. This seems nothing like the colic however and she's still a happy camper who loves to play and smile and giggle and is growing everyday and taking everything in.

Don't worry, if you love the baby, which I am sure you do, and you are there for mammy and baby each day then it will get better and there will be a day that you start to get more and more used to it and more confident with the baby and start to enjoy the little things.

As I said, it took me a few weeks, but what seemed to work for me was to just get over the fact that my old lifestyle is gone to a certain extent and I had to adjust to things like sleep patterns and get stuck in with it all when I am not working so that mammy can have her breaks as she is looking after the baby most of the time.

John_Rambo · 25-04-2020 12:08AM

Struggling New Dad wrote: »

Hi All,

OP here. Thanks for all the comments. I’ll address a few here..

I do have dogs, yes… I fail to see the comparison? Dogs were a billion times easier, yes you’re picking up after them every day but its’ fine.

Baby is in a cot, at an angle for reflux.

I don’t think it’s post natal depression, just tiredness. Thanks though 😊

I do change nappies here and there, do the occasional feed, do wind baby, do help bath baby, do go for walks with baby in the buggy.

Skin to skin contact, not so much now, but at first yes

Baby is routinely on my shoulder and I walk around the house to settle

Thanks for the words Princess Calla

JohnRambo, you’re probably totally right. The issue is in lockdown I’m still working from home, and it’s a long busy day. I do clean bits and pieces and put on and hang out washes and sweep and mop and clean counters and hoover and all that, just probably not regular enough to have the place like a high end hotel, but I try help out and keep on top of things.

Lisha, thanks for your message. I talk to baby all the time, and walk around and show this and that and just babble all sorts of rubbish about whatever is in front of us. Baby personality is just a bit hidden at the moment as cries a lot and has stomach pains and just is uncomfortable so poor child is not the happiest at times

Looksee, baby was breastfed til lately, and since on formula, but problems predated formula. My standards of clean and my wifes standards of clean are different unfortunately…! She keeps a very clean house and is trying to maintain this, she says for her own head as she can’t sit around all day in pig sty (house is far from it…).

Shesty… “we are just being asked to sit on sofas, and watch Netflix” … oh how I wish that was the case! I almost wish I was one of those laid off temporarily so I could just relax into it a bit, it’s trying to fit work into the equation and college course as well which is just crucifying me, us. I don’t need a hobby, I need some space from pressure, but its just not available at the moment and I need to try my best. Thanks for the post.

Feisar, thanks so much for sharing. Really appreciate it. Yeah, I’m not telling her how difficult I’m finding it because a) it’s way harder for her and b) I don’t want her to think I don’t care about the baby, I do, just find it exhausting.

Shesty again, yes, there’s a bit of this, even if I help, I’m helping “wrong”, even though I don’t think so… it’s just not the way she does it. And I get it, I do, she spends most of the day with baby and knows better what works and what doesn’t. I want to figure my way, but it’s nearly more stressful with her there, a few times she’s gone away for a few hours and I’ve got on fine with baby, it’s almost harder when she’s “supervising” in the nicest possible way, she means no bad, just wants best for baby.

Fleetwoodmac, PHN kinda abandoned ship with us since Covid19, got a letter saying as much almost, and to be honest, we found them pretty poor.

Thanks all.
Baby plus working plus Covid19 plus masters degree is going to be the death of me

Yeah, a bit ignorant of me to assume you weren't holding down a full time job working from home dad! AND you're studying... My situation is different.

You are spinning a lot of plates there. Can anything be deferred, put on the long finger? consider it... Rhetorical question, don't answer.

To be honest, it sounds like you're absolutely nailing it as good parents. Don't forget, you're not in to this for the long haul, the light at the end of the tunnel is there, could be tomorrow, could be Monday. Baby isn't in pain, baby will remember none of this, baby is healthy and in the best company.

Keep a cool head and if your wife's expectations of a clean house doesn't match yours... just agree with her and get stuck in!! Try not to engage argumentatively with crazy suggestions, go with them and it will work itself out.

I'm giving you an honest promise. Both of you will be laughing about it in two or three weeks time when the smiley cuddles in bed on a summers morning happen.

storker · 25-04-2020 12:53AM

My wife almost died giving birth to our first baby, and I ended up doing the night feeds, while working full time, to allow her some time to recuperate. It is tough, very tough. But it does have its moments. One night when the baby was was maybe a month or so old, I was doing a night feed - around 3am with work the next day, feeling really fed up and wishing I had my life back, and I glanced down and saw two big blue eyes looking at me with a look that said "I trust you, I know you'll look after me" and my heart melted (actually I felt like a bit of a selfish sh1t too), so if you haven't felt like you've bonded yet, that's normal. I've heard it said it takes a bit of time for dads and I wouldn't disagree. It's also true that no matter what you read or who you talk to, nothing can prepare you fro the reality of being a parent, so if you're feeling at sea and overwhelmed, you're a member of a not-at-all-exclusive club.

Our first was colicky and could barely keep down a feed and was hungry a lot. Mme Storkeuse said "Wait til she's on solids, she'll be grand then" (about 4 months), and so it came to pass. Then you start to get glimpses of character, and that's when the joy starts to come, but there will be other moments you won't forget, like the night we brought her for a drive to ease her colic and as we drove past a local night club we saw someone take a swing at a guard, and momentarily forgetting about the baby we turned the car around for a drive-by gawk...during which time she had fallen asleep. Not exactly hilarious I grant you, but a funny moment to us. Another time when her cot was still in our bedroom, she pooped in the middle of the night and we were uneasy about changing her because she'd want to play. The solution was the best-planned and fastest nappy-change ever, in the dark too, and ended with us darting back into bed lying dead still and listening to the sound of her ladyship half waking up and wondering what had happened. Or the pediatric visit when the extremely competent lady checked her, prodded her, pulled her and stretched her, all the time with the baby staring at her, utterly fascinated, and totally compliant. I remember nudging Mme Storkeuse saying "She'd never let us do that."

But, and apologies for digressing, this is the important bit...the tough times...they seem at the time like you'll never see the other side of them, but they do end, and not only do they end but afterwards you realise that they actually went by very quickly. Two years later we had our second, and the birth and the rearing were much easier. You're much more confident in your own knowledge and abilities and I think babies pickup on that. And I forgot to mention that while nothing can prepare you for the shock of being a parent, I wasn't expecting how much sheer entertainment we would get out of them. From Storkette #1 holding hands with Storkette #2 and leading her around the house to get her walking, to Storkette #2's write-up of a home economics practical this week in which she just fell short of giving herself a Michellin star.

Now Storkette #1 is in her Junior Cert year and Storkette 2 is in 1st year, and all the things the older generation told you about it flying by so quickly are 100% true. They weren't exaggerating. So...the tough times will go by quicker than it will seem at the time, and there'll be magic along the way. Hang in there. What you're going through is the norm, not the exception. You'll be fine.

Sunny Disposition · 25-04-2020 12:57AM

Struggling New Dad wrote: »

I have a 10 week old baby. The last 10 weeks have been fleeting glimpses of joy, but 95% depressing, hard work... and I'm only the father, the baby's mother is doing more of the work as I'm working (albeit from home lately). I don't know how she's doing as well as she is, but she's really starting to struggle now too, especially with the Covid-19 lockdown measures meaning no family, friends, no support. My job is very demanding and time consuming.

The baby is fussy, cries an awful lot, will not settle for dad, only mam. Is on prescribed medication for reflux.

I feel so selfish but I would love to disappear for a week and escape it (I'm not going to go anywhere! just fantasy!). It's our first child. I can't fathom how people have more than one, but it must get better.

I guess I'm asking people to share stories of if they found it hard, and at what point it got easier, or if it ever does. I know there are a thousand variables here and comparison is pointless, what works for one baby doesn't the next etc, but I am feeling very low and need to see some light at the end of the tunnel here.

It is a hard time and it does get better, maybe hard to hear now but it’s the most rewarding thing imaginable. Won’t be long till the baby is smiling at you.
You say your job is demanding, take some time out from it, take paternity leave, holidays, whatever. Just do it. You need to throw yourself into being a father for a while, otherwise you’re going to start feeling like parenthood is an inconvenience.

storker · 25-04-2020 01:32AM

shesty wrote: »

Actually I will say that....as a first time mum,you can be a bit do it my way or it's wrong.My own husband said to me a few times, what way do you do xyz, and I remember saying to him after a certain point, don't worry about my way of doing everything, you have to figure out your way.It is early days yet for that conversation but it's time will come.

To that I'd add, for god's sake don't worry about what other people are doing and don't worry about development checks if your child comes up short somewhere.

With Storkette #1, the nurse put a wad of paper on the desk for her to pick up (to test her pincer-move ability). The baby ignored it, but as Mme Storkeuse said afterwards, "If they'd put a piece of cheese down they'd have seen a pincer move alright".

With Storkette #2 my wife rang me in tears after a check, saying "they think she might be deaf" - she hadn't responded to her own name being whispered behind her ear. My response was "Don't worry. Whatever it is, we'll cope." while thinking "Oh bloody hell..." As gradually became apparent, she was just tuning them out - a talent she retains to this day, having the ability to have a conversation happen around her while remaining oblivious to it.

And by the way, other parents can be the most judgemental people you can imagine. Beware, and be prepared to ignore. There is no greater example of the generalisation fallacy than a parent who has found "the one true way".

When does the joy come?

Comments