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Need outsider opinion

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  • 11-11-2019 9:25am
    #1
    hsjsj
    Closed Accounts Posts: 40 ✭


    I've been in a relationship for 5+years. We recently moved in with eachother. However the other day I went to use my so's phone for Spotify (I asked first) when I picked it up he had a notification from tinder and then I seen that he is on three different dating apps where he has been messaging multiple people for a year. Obviously I was immediately upset and just asked him to come talk. He tried to lie at first and say it wasnt his profile. But it obviously was and the next day he admitted everything. My first thought is to break up for good but he's making that difficult and 'wants to win me back'. We're not together now, but it is difficult considering we live together. I just want to know what someone else would do in this situation.


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    #2
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    If you're living with someone you shouldn't be on tinder..


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    #3
    ldy4mxonucwsq6
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,537 ✭✭✭ldy4mxonucwsq6


    Three different dating apps and talking to people for a year? Yeah that would come under cheating in my book anyway.

    The fact that he even let you near the phone says one of a few things:

    - he wanted you to see the notifications

    - this has become part of his norm so he sees nothing wrong with it (his later denial doesn't point to this though)

    - he's a bit stupid to let himself be caught so easily

    You just moved in together, these are supposed to be the good milestones in a relationship and while you are together a long time he has been talking to other people for at least a fifth of your relationship.

    Have you asked him has he done more than talk? What is he getting out of this? Is it just an ego boost for him or more?

    Only you can decide if you are willing to forgive him, if it was me I'd be looking over my shoulder forever more and you can bet he'll be more careful about it in future so won't be as easy to catch the next time.

    I know you are shell shocked but if it was me I'd be moving back out and starting to heal myself. It's not like this was a once off really it's been going on at least a year.


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    #4
    Keyzer
    Registered Users Posts: 4,331 ✭✭✭Keyzer


    hsjsj wrote: »
    I just want to know what someone else would do in this situation.

    I'd end the relationship ASAP.

    If my other half of 5 years is on dating sites then there's something seriously wrong.


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    #5
    Telly
    Registered Users Posts: 520 ✭✭✭Telly


    My ex did this too and this is why he's an ex. You'll never, no matter how much you try get the trust back. It's not like it was a once off. Your BF has been doing this for a year. You've no other choice but to walk away as i cant see any relationship getting over something like this that has gone on that long.


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    #6
    mistress_gi
    Registered Users Posts: 963 ✭✭✭mistress_gi


    A bit of a different situation but in the same ballpark here, ex-husband was on chat sites for, I would say more than 5 years until I accidentally found out.
    Amongst other issues we were having.
    I decided to stick with the relationship but I could not get over it.
    Divorced now and much happier for it.


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    #7
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    "He wants to win me back"

    Because he got caught. He shouldn't have been on Tinder in the first place - he wasn't so concerned about losing you when you didn't know. If he hadn't been caught he'd have carried on using Tinder. So wanting to "win you back" is pretty meaningless.


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    #8
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    He got caught because he didn't cover his tracks well enough. He won't make that mistake twice.


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    #9
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    He got caught because he didn't cover his tracks well enough. He won't make that mistake twice.

    This exactly.


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    #10
    waxmelts2000
    Registered Users Posts: 603 ✭✭✭waxmelts2000


    It happened to me, I stayed another 4/5 weeks however I did not trust him and showed him the door


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    #11
    Arrival
    Closed Accounts Posts: 779 ✭✭✭Arrival


    hsjsj wrote: »
    I've been in a relationship for 5+years. We recently moved in with eachother. However the other day I went to use my so's phone for Spotify (I asked first) when I picked it up he had a notification from tinder and then I seen that he is on three different dating apps where he has been messaging multiple people for a year. Obviously I was immediately upset and just asked him to come talk. He tried to lie at first and say it wasnt his profile. But it obviously was and the next day he admitted everything. My first thought is to break up for good but he's making that difficult and 'wants to win me back'. We're not together now, but it is difficult considering we live together. I just want to know what someone else would do in this situation.

    It's the guilt making him say that bull****, if he really cared about you and respected you he wouldn't have even thought to download a single dating app, nevermind three. If there are issues in the relationship for him he should've communicated them like a decent, mature adult. I wouldn't even give a person a chance to explain themselves in this situation, I'd be acting like they don't exist while I get everything that's mine and leave if possible. Once everything with the housing situation is sorted I'd be completely ghosting them. Scumbags like that need to face consequences.

    Make up your mind and any time you doubt yourself remember this fact; he consciously spent time downloading and installing apps which are specifically for dating, he went through the full process of choosing pictures and creating profiles on these apps and swiped through people, matched some and engaged in conversations with them. At no point during any of that did he stop and realise what he was doing, the betrayal he was carrying out, and he did that three times. Sorry but the guy's obviously a pathetic loser who doesn't have the strength or courage to face reality and let you know the relationship is over so you can move on.

    The initial denial would also make me absolutely furious as well, nothing worse than people who refuse to be honest even when you're clearly aware of the truth. It's a really bad trait seen in the worst kind of people


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    #12
    hsjsj
    Closed Accounts Posts: 40 ✭hsjsj


    Thanks everyone, he claims its because he's sad and has been for a while, he's genuinely probably in a bad place. But it makes me feel bad because he says what's the point in living (after I said we break up) , this makes me so upset I obviously would never want him dead but I also don't want to stay with him just because he's sad (also I've heard of people being like this for minuplation, but I do know he hasn't been right so there could be truth and that scares me)


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    #13
    gmisk
    Registered Users Posts: 31,849 ✭✭✭✭gmisk


    hsjsj wrote: »
    Thanks everyone, he claims its because he's sad and has been for a while, he's genuinely probably in a bad place. But it makes me feel bad because he says what's the point in living (after I said we break up) , this makes me so upset I obviously would never want him dead but I also don't want to stay with him just because he's sad (also I've heard of people being like this for minuplation, but I do know he hasn't been right so there could be truth and that scares me)
    Pretty much the definition of emotional blackmail...


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    #14
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Assume it's true. Maybe he does feel like that. But the only reason he is saying it to you is to elicit sympathy. If he feels that way, it's his doing, and he knows that. He's the one who betrayed you, he doesn't get to confide in you like that. As the poster above said, it's emotional blackmail.

    OP I'm sorry this happened to you, it's tough, but you need to look at this with colder eyes. He says life isn't worth living now... but it was worth living when he was on Tinder behind your back?

    Life for him isn't worth living without you, but he was willing to risk that when he signed up to Tinder. Why? Because life would still be worth living because he thought you'd never find out? No, it's because he did not think enough of you to stay faithful to you and not go on dating sites behind your back. He didn't think of you at all.

    I'm certain he regrets it, but even at that, he's whingeing that life isn't worth living, feeling sorry for himself and making you feel sorry for him too - when he's only sorry he got caught.

    Don't fall for it. He kept this from you for a year, at least, as people will only admit to as much as they can get away with telling you. As Ursus pointed out, he will just be more careful the next time around.


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    #15
    Silverfish
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,696 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    hsjsj wrote: »
    Thanks everyone, he claims its because he's sad and has been for a while, he's genuinely probably in a bad place. But it makes me feel bad because he says what's the point in living (after I said we break up) , this makes me so upset I obviously would never want him dead but I also don't want to stay with him just because he's sad (also I've heard of people being like this for minuplation, but I do know he hasn't been right so there could be truth and that scares me)

    Has he met up with any of the women he was messaging?

    It sounds like he'll only admit to what he thinks you already know, seeing as it took him so long to admit they were his profiles, so tbh I wouldn't believe him if he says he didn't.


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    #16
    ldy4mxonucwsq6
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,537 ✭✭✭ldy4mxonucwsq6


    hsjsj wrote: »
    Thanks everyone, he claims its because he's sad and has been for a while, he's genuinely probably in a bad place. But it makes me feel bad because he says what's the point in living (after I said we break up) , this makes me so upset I obviously would never want him dead but I also don't want to stay with him just because he's sad (also I've heard of people being like this for minuplation, but I do know he hasn't been right so there could be truth and that scares me)

    You have nothing to feel bad for, you have done nothing wrong here.

    So is he going to guilt trip you into staying in a relationship? Is this the first time something like this (the manipulation etc) has come up in your 5+ year relationship?

    If you think he is genuinely struggling then by all means help him get the support that he needs, if he won't do this himself then maybe you need to call in his family and friends.

    At the end of the day you really need to think of your own long term needs and goals.

    His problems are not yours to shoulder alone, please ask him to seek help and then do what's best for you.


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    #17
    hsjsj
    Closed Accounts Posts: 40 ✭hsjsj


    Thank you, he says he never met up with anyone (I want to belive him but he's already been lying) I guess I'm finding it extra difficult to look at it with cold eyes because I'm in my early 20's and have not been single as an adult (we got together as teens) and I suppose that's scary.
    I definitely see what you're saying but I'm finding it hard to accept especially if he's feeling this way as I'll probably always have feelings for him and wish him no actual harm


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    #18
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,386 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    Sorry, what exactly is he sad about, and was he sad before he got caught???


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    #19
    TheW1zard
    Registered Users Posts: 1,340 ✭✭✭TheW1zard


    Dumped


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    #20
    Caranica
    Registered Users Posts: 10,012 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    hsjsj wrote: »
    I guess I'm finding it extra difficult to look at it with cold eyes because I'm in my early 20's and have not been single as an adult (we got together as teens) and I suppose that's scary.

    And suddenly it makes more sense. You got together as teens and are together for almost a quarter of your lives. I'm guessing his friends/colleagues are living the single life and raving about dating apps. For people who get together so young, and are likely each other's only sexual partners, "what am I missing" can often creep in.

    OP do you think he would ever cheat on you? I think you need to have a very frank and open conversation.


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    #21
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 8,003 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Caranica wrote: »
    And suddenly it makes more sense. You got together as teens and are together for almost a quarter of your lives. I'm guessing his friends/colleagues are living the single life and raving about dating apps. For people who get together so young, and are likely each other's only sexual partners, "what am I missing" can often creep in.

    OP do you think he would ever cheat on you? I think you need to have a very frank and open conversation.

    Texting other people is cheating. Texting other people for over a year could be considered a worse form of cheating than a one night stand.


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    #22
    endacl
    Registered Users Posts: 22,233 ✭✭✭✭endacl


    He also sounds like a bit of a dope. How hard is it to turn off notifications...?

    So... a cheat and a dope. Cut your losses.


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    #23
    milli milli
    Registered Users Posts: 1,247 ✭✭✭milli milli


    OP is it safe to say that he’s your first boyfriend?
    I know it must be hard for you to be faced with this situation and I really feel for you. I know when I realised my first relationship was over, I was shell-shocked. Always thought we’d be together forever and thought I would never get over him or stop loving him.
    But time and distance are amazing healers. I know people trot out that line, but it is so true. 20 years later after my first breakup, and I have zero feelings for him and distance has made me realise how we weren’t actually right for each other. (Not saying you’ll have to wait 20 years to be over him, but just pointing out my naivety).

    My point being, that it looks like your relationship has run its course (for him anyway). It does tend to happen when two people get together so young.
    And as another poster pointed out, the fear of missing out and seeing what else is out there is strong.

    Going from a relationship to being single is a huge change especially when, as you said, you’ve spent your entire adult life in one. Gather your family and friends around you now, it will take some adjusting but you will be able to do it. You will probably amaze yourself how much you can be single! You might even revel in it!
    Don’t jump from one relationship to another though. I know the future must be a scary place for you right now, but try to trust the unknown. Most of us here have been in your situation and have come out the other side. And hand on heart I thought I could never get over my first heartbreak, but I did. You will too.

    Take care of yourself OP, take this time to heal, be good to yourself, get your boyfriend help if you feel he genuinely might do something drastic, but your priority is you now and allowing yourself to move on from this.


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    #24
    Caranica
    Registered Users Posts: 10,012 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    joeguevara wrote: »
    Texting other people is cheating. Texting other people for over a year could be considered a worse form of cheating than a one night stand.

    In your eyes. Not to me. The OP has to work out where her boundaries lie. Everyone has different red lines.


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    #25
    lawred2
    Registered Users Posts: 24,271 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    hsjsj wrote: »
    I've been in a relationship for 5+years. We recently moved in with eachother. However the other day I went to use my so's phone for Spotify (I asked first) when I picked it up he had a notification from tinder and then I seen that he is on three different dating apps where he has been messaging multiple people for a year. Obviously I was immediately upset and just asked him to come talk. He tried to lie at first and say it wasnt his profile. But it obviously was and the next day he admitted everything. My first thought is to break up for good but he's making that difficult and 'wants to win me back'. We're not together now, but it is difficult considering we live together. I just want to know what someone else would do in this situation.

    I think you know what most people will suggest based on what you've posted there


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    #26
    Locker10a
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 4,144 Mod ✭✭✭✭Locker10a


    Caranica wrote: »
    In your eyes. Not to me. The OP has to work out where her boundaries lie. Everyone has different red lines.

    Ah now come on, if you were in an open relationship fair enough! But are you saying you wouldn’t be hurt if you were in a committed monogamous relationship and purposely behind your back your partner changed the rules/dynamic of the relationship without communicating it to you at all. Because that’s what’s happening here. If you’re going to be chatting to other people fine, if you think that’s workable, great, but surely that’s going to be set down in the ground rules of your relationship ?


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    #27
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Mod:

    A number of threads have been derailed recently by posters engaging in general discussion with one another - I really don't want that to happen again. Posters are reminded to have advice for the OP when posting.

    Thanks :)


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    #28
    punisher5112
    Registered Users Posts: 24,647 ✭✭✭✭punisher5112


    Really feel for you op..,..

    Really sh1tty situation to be in but please don't be fooled by the poor him mentality he is pushing.

    I wouldn't dream of doing this on my now wife even when we were only going out.

    I'd be out in a flash if it were me in the same situation and rightly so.
    If one isn't happy or has fallen out of love or just needs to move on then that's what needs to be done, yes sounds harsh but that is life.

    Like others have said he most likely sees the mates whom are single but are out playing the game and he wants that too.

    I wouldn't dream of it and you really need to look more deeply into it for your own sake especially before a child comes into it which I believe could happen where you'd be left on your own.

    Talk to family and friends if comfortable doing so and don't be afraid to vent or seek advice.

    Best of luck but I definitely wouldn't be trusting in future which is going to most likely eat away inside.


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    #29
    Monife
    Registered Users Posts: 3,014 ✭✭✭Monife


    wiggle16 wrote: »
    As Ursus pointed out, he will just be more careful the next time around.

    Take serious note of this point if you even slightly consider staying with him. I confronted my ex too soon, when I didn't have enough. He got a second phone and left it at work. I eventually figured it out but it only added extra months of anxiety and heartbreak.


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    #30
    Kidchameleon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,482 ✭✭✭Kidchameleon


    hsjsj wrote: »
    Thank you, he says he never met up with anyone (I want to belive him but he's already been lying) I guess I'm finding it extra difficult to look at it with cold eyes because I'm in my early 20's and have not been single as an adult (we got together as teens) and I suppose that's scary.
    I definitely see what you're saying but I'm finding it hard to accept especially if he's feeling this way as I'll probably always have feelings for him and wish him no actual harm


    Dont waste your best years on this loser, he has no respect for you and will do it again. Dont be in your 30's with kids before you leave, do it now while you have the world at your feet.


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    #31
    four294
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭four294


    Oh my god OP, I could have written this almost word for word. The only difference is that my boyfriend, from what I can gather, was only on tinder a few weeks before I found out and I have the extra heartbreak of knowing he was going to propose in the new year (we had been planning the wedding and looking at engagement rings etc)

    Im sorry I don’t have any advice to add, I also have no idea if I want to try and forgive him or break up! I just wanted to reach out and let you know that someone else is going through this and you’re not alone! I know I’m finding it difficult to speak to family and friends as I don’t want them to have a tainted impression him or think I’m a fool if I decide to take him back.


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