What if he wants children?....

Megwepz · 14-10-2019 01:53PM #1

Looking for a little advice or some opinions – I have been seeing a really wonderful man for nearly 1 year. Things have been going really well and while we have taken things slowly, I could see this being long term all going well. I have a 10yr old from previous relationship who he has yet to be introduced to.

I know that I am done having children, my son was a ‘wonderful surprise’, I considered all options very seriously when I found out I was pregnant but decided to go ahead with the pregnancy having been put at ease and promised the sun, moon and stars by his father – none of which materialised of course and my son's father is the bane of my existence to this day. Besides not actually being interested in having more children, I genuinely don’t think I would ever trust another man enough again to have more children. I have been requesting tubal ligation for the last 7 years (hormonal contraception has awful side effects) but they refuse to consider me until I am over 35yrs. I will be gifting myself the procedure for my 35th birthday and can’t wait! Basically…. I’m 110% sure I am done with kids!

I have spoken to my bf about the fact that I will never have more children. I think at the start he had a really casual “You can never be sure what the future brings” type attitude but I spoke with him again recently and made sure that he was 100% clear on the fact that I won’t ever change my mind. I asked if he had any idea at this stage whether children would be something he would want and he does not really know. He is slightly younger than me and studying at the moment so I can understand why it is almost impossible for him to definitively decide at this stage that he does/does not want children years down the line. His social circle do seem to be the marrying/babies type, I do also think his family would be the type to be disappointed if he were to end up with a single mom and have no children of his own.

I guess my worry is this – our relationship continues to progress really well, maybe he is introduced to my son, maybe we think about living together in a few years…. And then he decides that children is something that he really wants and it all falls apart – I’m left heartbroken, my son upset and my bf (and I) have wasted X number of years together and he has to start again to find someone to settle down and have children with.

I know that maybe I shouldn’t be thinking about this as much so early on and should just relax a bit and enjoy the relationship as it progresses, but I also don’t want to wait until we have been together for another 2 or 3 or 5 years.

Aside from getting him to sign a contract promising he will never want kids (;)) how do I move forward without being worried and nervous of taking any sort of serious steps in our relationship i.e. meeting my son, becoming closer with each others families?

lucat · 14-10-2019 01:56PM

Megwepz wrote: »

Looking for a little advice or some opinions – I have been seeing a really wonderful man for nearly 1 year. Things have been going really well and while we have taken things slowly, I could see this being long term all going well. I have a 10yr old from previous relationship who he has yet to be introduced to.

I know that I am done having children, my son was a ‘wonderful surprise’, I considered all options very seriously when I found out I was pregnant but decided to go ahead with the pregnancy having been put at ease and promised the sun, moon and stars by his father – none of which materialised of course and my son's father is the bane of my existence to this day. Besides not actually being interested in having more children, I genuinely don’t think I would ever trust another man enough again to have more children. I have been requesting tubal ligation for the last 7 years (hormonal contraception has awful side effects) but they refuse to consider me until I am over 35yrs. I will be gifting myself the procedure for my 35th birthday and can’t wait! Basically…. I’m 110% sure I am done with kids!

I have spoken to my bf about the fact that I will never have more children. I think at the start he had a really casual “You can never be sure what the future brings” type attitude but I spoke with him again recently and made sure that he was 100% clear on the fact that I won’t ever change my mind. I asked if he had any idea at this stage whether children would be something he would want and he does not really know. He is slightly younger than me and studying at the moment so I can understand why it is almost impossible for him to definitively decide at this stage that he does/does not want children years down the line. His social circle do seem to be the marrying/babies type, I do also think his family would be the type to be disappointed if he were to end up with a single mom and have no children of his own.

I guess my worry is this – our relationship continues to progress really well, maybe he is introduced to my son, maybe we think about living together in a few years…. And then he decides that children is something that he really wants and it all falls apart – I’m left heartbroken, my son upset and my bf (and I) have wasted X number of years together and he has to start again to find someone to settle down and have children with.

I know that maybe I shouldn’t be thinking about this as much so early on and should just relax a bit and enjoy the relationship as it progresses, but I also don’t want to wait until we have been together for another 2 or 3 or 5 years.

Aside from getting him to sign a contract promising he will never want kids (;)) how do I move forward without being worried and nervous of taking any sort of serious steps in our relationship i.e. meeting my son, becoming closer with each others families?

You’ve been very clear about your position and that you’ll never change your mind. That’s all you can do. You can’t do his thinking for him. If he hasn’t decided what he wants then he hasn’t decided because the time isn’t right for him yet. I don’t think you can do anything more.

Megwepz · 14-10-2019 02:13PM

lucat wrote: »

You’ve been very clear about your position and that you’ll never change your mind. That’s all you can do. You can’t do his thinking for him. If he hasn’t decided what he wants then he hasn’t decided because the time isn’t right for him yet. I don’t think you can do anything more.

Thanks Lucat - I guess I know you're right and that honesty and open communication about the subject is the only way to go. Was just hoping for some miraculous piece of advice that would calm my anxiety about the whole thing really - I feel really awful about this but I'm having serious thoughts along the lines of "Just end it now, it's not worth the risk" even though I'm happier than I have been in many years. The thought that my life could be pulled from under me and I could be cast aside for not wanting anymore children in a few years is making me reassess the whole relationship at the moment.

LolaJJ · 14-10-2019 02:39PM

Hey OP

I'm sorry you have had such a horrible journey with your ex.

All you can do is be clear about your stance on the issue and it's his job to respect that.

In terms of your anxiety. "It's not worth the risk"

What is the risk?

That he decides down the road that he does want to have kids and leaves you?

Surely you will have that risk in every new relationship you get in to, so, it's probably more benficial to try to ease your anxiety by working on what you can do now.

Maybe, since it's been almost a year, assert your concerns to this man. Tell him, you need to make it abundently clear to him that nothing will happen down the road, you feel the way you feel and you won't ever change your mind. You don't want to deny him the opportunity to have children, so if he isn't 100% that he is ok with that, he needs to let you know now.

Then, perhaps you will be faced with the facts of your situation, worrying about uncertains is pointless. It will be a tough converstion to have but it might give you some answers.

People in relationships need to be on the same page or they just won't work.

FWIW, my sister always knew she didn't want kids, she just doesn't want them and never has. When she met her now husband he was on the fence about the whole thing but she was always quite vocal about it and confident in her decision, like, accept it or feck off kinda thing. As it turns out, he didn't really want them either when he processed it and they have a great relationship and life. There's always the chance he doesn't care!

Megwepz · 14-10-2019 03:07PM

Thanks so much @LolaJJ - I know there is uncertainty with any new relationship but as you say, people in relationships need to be on the same page or it won't work and I would really love for this to work, he really is the best thing to happen to me in the last few years. I'm just concerned that not only are we not on the same page, he hasn't even opened the book yet! :-)

I do know that I'm maybe over thinking things but I really don't want us to waste each other's time and I just can't see myself taking any major steps in our relationship, both in practical terms and emotional terms, until I know we're on the same page.

I'd really love to think that he wouldn't want children and I don't want to ever go down the road of 'trying to convince him' that life without children is just as fulfilling, exciting and satisfying etc. The fear/anxiety and sense of risk is just really messing with my head at the moment. I'm a worrier by nature which doesn't help and because I was so let down/hurt/treated so appallingly by my son's father I'm quite hesitant to open myself up to anyone if I feel I (or my son) could be hurt again.

Is 1 year too soon to be having this conversation or these fears do you think?

iamwhoiam · 14-10-2019 03:12PM

You have been very clear OP and this is the main thing .
The only two people who need to be considered are you and him . The fact his family might be disappointed is neither here nor there , only he and you matter in this regard . You must both be in full agreement now and it sounds like you are being straight up and honest . Now he needs to do the same

More important at the minute is your own child . He must be willing to accept and include this child and personally I would be making sure of that first and foremost

Megwepz · 14-10-2019 03:35PM

iamwhoiam wrote: »

More important at the minute is your own child . He must be willing to accept and include this child and personally I would be making sure of that first and foremost

Thanks @iamwhoiam - I didn't ever see myself being in another 'serious' relationship after past experiences but after a year I have started thinking about what introducing him to my son would be like, partly because my son may suspect something and I feel I'm actively keeping secrets from him and he may not appreciate it or might feel like I'm purposefully excluding him (he has asked who I went to X event with, why there was 2 coffee cups on the sideboard when he got home, why he saw a photograph of my bf on my mother's phone of a night we had out together.... there's been a few more, there's no flies on my small man!). I think I'd also like to be able to have bf over for dinner or meet for lunch etc with my son and I think he would be a wonderful person for my son to know.

I just feel like I can't even consider telling my son or even allowing myself relax in the relationship unless I'm confident there is a future.

Kidchameleon · 14-10-2019 03:41PM

Megwepz wrote: »

I genuinely don’t think I would ever trust another man enough again to have more children.

Would you ever trust your bf around your current child? If I was your bf I'd be highly offended by that statement. Its not really fair to judge him based on choices you made prior to meeting him

Also, I would advise abstaining from bad mouthing your sons dad in front of him, even though he is a deadbeat, children can be badly affected by that kind of behaviour. At the end of the day, your son has his dads dna, he will grow to have some similar traits to him, be careful.

Megwepz · 14-10-2019 03:55PM

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Would you ever trust your bf around your current child? If I was your bf I'd be highly offended by that statement. Its not really fair to judge him based on choices you made prior to meeting him

Thank you @Kidchameleon. I know it's not fair but my experience with my ex was and continues to be awful, he is a horrible person who treated me horribly and I am now stuck with him for the foreseeable as we have had a child together. I could never allow myself have another child with someone, even if I really wanted to, for fear it would go the same way and I would be stuck with yet another noose around my neck in the form of a man.

Yes, I would trust my bf around my child - he is a very kind, caring and honest person and I think my son would enjoy and benefit from his company.

Megwepz · 14-10-2019 03:56PM

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Also, I would advise abstaining from bad mouthing your sons dad in front of him, even though he is a deadbeat, children can be badly affected by that kind of behaviour. At the end of the day, your son has his dads dna, he will grow to have some similar traits to him, be careful.

Where did I say I badmouth my son's father in front of him??? I would never do that. I also didn't say he was a dead beat?
My son so far takes very much after me so fingers crossed he is nothing like his father when he grows up.

Princess Calla · 14-10-2019 03:58PM

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Would you ever trust your bf around your current child? If I was your bf I'd be highly offended by that statement. Its not really fair to judge him based on choices you made prior to meeting him

Also, I would advise abstaining from bad mouthing your sons dad in front of him, even though he is a deadbeat, children can be badly affected by that kind of behaviour. At the end of the day, your son has his dads dna, he will grow to have some similar traits to him, be careful.

That's not what she's saying!!

The boys father left her to raise their child alone despite promising he'd be there for her.

She's now adopting a "once bitten twice shy" approach to life and I understand her reasoning. She's most likely getting a tiny bit of independence back for herself.

There's not many parents that want to return to nappy stage of parenting even when they've had full support, nevermind when you've done it all before on your own.

OP you've been very honest, there's not much more you can do.

There are no guarantees in relationships. Sometimes you have to take a leap in faith.

Megwepz · 14-10-2019 04:12PM

Princess Calla wrote: »

The boys father left her to raise their child alone despite promising he'd be there for her.

Thanks so much @Princess Calla. The above is not the case though - when we were together I did the very vast majority of everything in terms of childcare, my ex did not help with much. But when I say he was horrible, he was horrible to me. Controlling, verbally abusive, Physically abusive a couple of times - the list goes on. And instead of being able to just walk away, I am now tied to this abusive ***hole because I chose to have a child with him.

You are bang on with the 'once bitten, twice shy' approach, won't be making the same mistake twice and also 100% correct on going back to the nappies and childcare, I was exhausted 10 years ago, I couldn't even imagine trying to find the energy now!

Kidchameleon · 14-10-2019 04:17PM

Megwepz wrote: »

Where did I say I badmouth my son's father in front of him??? I would never do that. I also didn't say he was a dead beat?

No you didn't say either of those things, poor choice of words on my part, sorry.

Megwepz wrote: »

so fingers crossed he is nothing like his father when he grows up.

Now this is worrying. Your son WILL be like his father in some ways, he may well look at least somewhat like him for a start. He will also have some of his fathers behaviors. I don't claim to be an expert on the science of this but some behavior is passed on through both parents DNA*. He may one day want to know and have a relationship with his father. In the sentence I quoted above, even if you are not saying things like that directly to him, you dont want to be giving off them kind of "vibes" if you understand me, children have a great knack for picking up on things like that. It would really hurt your son badly if he thought there were parts of himself that you wished he never had. Hell, he could even stumble on this thread someday, I'm just saying, be careful.

Now as for your situation, you have stated to your bf clearly that you dont want any more kids. Your bf has said something along the lines of "maybe in the future you might change your mind". My advise would be to have a chat with him, reaffirm that there will be no kids in the future and then take it from there. There's no point continuing on if he is not 100% sure he does not want kids. You both need to be on the same level.

*wrote this before I saw your post re. physical abuse. I am not suggesting your son will be physically abusive.

Kidchameleon · 14-10-2019 04:25PM

Megwepz wrote: »

I genuinely don’t think I would ever trust another man enough again to have more children.

Just one more thought on this. You are, on some level, going to have to trust a man at some stage to have children. What I mean is, it is your duty to raise your son to be a decent man who can raise his own children one day, should he decide to. It would be very bad for your son to feel that men cannot be trusted to have children. Now I know you are not saying that directly to him, but I'd advise having a think about weather you are communicating these feelings to him on some level. There are plenty of good men around that are great fathers, your ex is one of the few exceptions.

dory · 14-10-2019 05:18PM

One thing you haven't mentioned is how old he is (the boyfriend). If he's early-mid 20s he can't really be expected to know if he wants kids or not. But if he's early 30s he would probably have a fair idea. You've been very honest, that's all you can do.

I've been in his situation. Was with someone who had two kids, definitely didn't want more. I was on the fence about wanting kids. But I wanted either a child free life, or (my own) kids. Being a step parent is tough (in my experience). I hung on too long thinking she'd change her mind. As has been said, all you can do is make sure he knows, a year in is definitely not too early to be having the conversation (again, depending on your age, I find people have these conversations sooner the older they get).

Megwepz · 14-10-2019 05:21PM

@Kidchameleon I do really appreciate you taking the time to read my posts and respond but I feel you’re focusing on the wrong things.

To clarify, I despise my sons father for what he did to me and the future course of my life: he is however an ok father to my son, you can be a horrible person to your partner but still be an adequate parent. I share custody with him and make a point of speaking well of him to my son. I’m aware that children pick up vibes but I am in no way concerned that my son gets any negative vibes from me regarding his father. I am content in the fact that when my son is an adult he will become aware of what his father did to me and will then be able to draw his own conclusions on the type of man his father is.

I feel all of this is besides the point of the OP though?

Megwepz · 14-10-2019 05:26PM

Thanks @dory - he’s is 29 but I guess the fact that he is studying etc he is just in a different stage of life to me and it is probably very difficult for him to think about something as huge as deciding whether he ever wants children or not.

I’m glad you think that 1 yr isn’t too early to consider/discuss these things. Think I may need to have another slightly more serious conversation with him and just don’t want to seem like I’m coming on too strong.

Megwepz · 14-10-2019 06:13PM

@dory Do you mind if I ask how long you were with your partner? What kind of conversations had you both had around having children and was her wish to not have more children the primary reason for your break up in the end?

ElizaBennett · 14-10-2019 06:16PM

I don't think a year is too early to discuss it at all but what stage is your relationship at? Have you talked much about your feelings? Said you love each other? If not, I would find that odd and at a snail's pace speed-wise for a relationship. I couldn't personally cope with things moving that slowly tbh. But if you do love each other then it's definitely time to talk about what you both want in the future. You have to make him believe that you won't be changing your mind on the more kids thing and he needs a long hard think on what that entails. I have 2 sisters who didn't want kids. Both met men who were unsure and not too bothered and so it worked out fine for all concerned. They're all in their 40s now so technically the guys could still up sticks and meet younger women I guess but they all seem blissfully happy still.

I agree it's not fair to hide things from your little boy so yu should tel him about the relationship at this stage . He must feel very left out and a bit insecure at not being trusted and being kept in the dark.

Megwepz · 14-10-2019 06:41PM

ElizaBennett wrote: »

I don't think a year is too early to discuss it at all but what stage is your relationship at? Have you talked much about your feelings?

Thank you Eliza - We’ve spent 2/3 nights a week together from very early days as we really enjoy each other’s company but other things have taken maybe more time than usual, probably mostly due to my nervousness. I met his parents after 7ish months, he had asked me to meet them a few times before that though. I told him I loved him after 9ish months (the feeling was reciprocated!)

I think it’s my son that’s making me think more seriously about it - I had never intended to ever introduce my son to a partner but his questioning lately (and the fact that my bf is a wonderful human being) have made me reconsider. I don’t want my son to ever feel as though I am keeping secrets/excluding him/hiding him or that he is not the most important aspect of my life. This started with me casually considering what it would be like to include my bf in mine and my sons life. I know I would never introduce him to anyone I didn’t consider to be a serious, long term partner. But now I’ve overthought everything to the point where I just think it could be better to end the whole thing... maybe I just need to chill the hell out for a bit and forget about future plans, introductions etc.

cj maxx · 14-10-2019 07:21PM

Meg , reading quickly through your posts one thing screams at me. And forgive me if I don't word it properly.
You had a child with an abusive ex partner and raised your child yourself, minded him etc.
Nobody's saying your son is not or shouldn't be the most important person in you life but surely he can't be the only thing in your life .
You seem to me to have a kind of tunnel vision regarding you life and where its going. You seem to have decided that being a single mother was your lot in life and all your energy is devoted to that.
Having a boyfriend is no big deal. Introduce him to your son. Talk to your son that hes not your daddy etc but I don't see why they , bf and son, son shouldn't meet.
From your post it's not like theres a different fella coming down the stairs every week. You should have a family life you

ElizaBennett · 14-10-2019 07:40PM

I agree with cjmc completely. OP you are a fantastic mother, you've done wonderfully by your son and no doubt he is a great kid who is clever and perceptive. He's well able to understand that Mam is a person too and she deserves a life and to be happy. He knows you've put him first and you've built great trust with him. It's ok to show him you've met a lovely man who makes you happy. Do it gradually and gently with no pressure to spent time together much or form a bond quickly etc. I really think its time. Sorry i know thats not your original issue but if you want to build a life with your bf you will all need to know each other.

LegacyUser · 14-10-2019 08:16PM

My friend married a lady that didn't want kids. She never did and was very open and upfront with him about it. He said he was ok with it (he was 23 at the time) and really thought he was until a few years down the line, he wasn't.
Their marriage broke up because neither of them could (or should have) compromise.

All you can do is be true to yourself and your beliefs. Have the conversation with him, its not too early as if he definately does want to have children there is no point in you persuing the relationship any further. If he is sure he doesn't want to hace children then you will have to have faith that he doesn't.
But realistically he might change his mind, he also might not . . .

Megwepz · 14-10-2019 08:27PM

Thank you for your lovely words Eliza and there’s probably more than a bit of truth in your words cjmc in terms of accepting my lot as a single mum, I didn’t really see this coming. And while it wasn’t what my original reason for posting, addressing my sons questioning is probably the more pressing issue.

I haven’t even had that conversation with my bf. I would be pretty confident he would be kinda chuffed I’d like to introduce him, he asks about him, he has told me and shown me that he considers this a long term relationship, is making plans for us for nearly a year from now.

I’ll talk to him first about how he would feel if I spoke to my son about us and then just say that we would need to be on the same page about no children before I could talk to my son? At least it would open an honest and serious conversation?

dory · 14-10-2019 09:32PM

Megwepz wrote: »

@dory Do you mind if I ask how long you were with your partner? What kind of conversations had you both had around having children and was her wish to not have more children the primary reason for your break up in the end?

Yes it was. I was mad about her but had to be practical as well. If we broke up when we were 45 she'd have two grown up kids visiting her, I'd have no one and be too old to have my own (we're both women).
Also, there's good and bad to everything, including having children. So I was dealing with the teenage tantrums, but not getting the hugs etc the parent gets. I could totally have dealt with step parenthood if I also had my own around the place. We didn't have the freedom to book last minute holidays etc. and I was afraid I'd some day resent that.

But each to their own. He might be only delighted to miss the nappy years.

In terms of what conversations we had - I guess it was always bright and breezy, it was only when we sat down and had a serious conversation that I saw we'd very different ideas.

14-10-2019 10:00PM

It he's 29 he's still too young to know for sure if he wants kids or not. Many men think they don't want kids only to change their minds later in life. It would be impossible for him to get a vasectomy in Ireland for example for similar reasons they gave you.

suicide_circus · 15-10-2019 06:50AM

you've done all you can. only time will tell.

if i were in his shoes, it is quite a lot to ask of someone to be a step parent to your child but not "give" them any children of their own.

tough one, best of luck.

Paddy Cow · 18-10-2019 04:42PM

Chances are he's going to want kids. People who definitely don't want kids usually know by 29. He might be ambivalent now but that's because time is on his side. You need to have a serious conversation with him where he takes the time to really consider if he wants them or not.

lunamoon · 18-10-2019 04:54PM

I know you say you don't want kids anymore because of the risk of what happened before happening again. However, a friend of mine said something similar until she met the right man. Do you think it might be a case that you just don't 100% trust your current partner? I wouldn't blame you given what the father of your child did to you.

But even if that's not the case. People change their minds all the time. While he might say he never wants kids now he might in a few years time. It's the real crappy thing about life that men have no time limits so have more time to think about it. Whereas woman have a biological clock that runs out.

AulWan · 20-10-2019 09:48PM

All you can do is talk to him, but you cannot predict the future. There is a possibility that 5/10 years from now that he could regret not having a child of his own, but there is no way of knowing for sure.

Have you mentioned your intention to be permanently sterilized? There was a thread here recently where a guy had a vascecomy without discussing it with his partner of a year first an the general concensus was if you're part of a couple then it should be a joint decision. (Not my opinion).

MartyMcFly84 · 21-10-2019 02:06PM

Men dont really have a biological clock in terms of fertility. So men are rarely in a rush to have children and are more than happy to wait or be in a relationship where it is not a thing.

However a bit later in life time some men then do feel the urge to have kids. Often seen in the 40s or 50s when mid life alarm bells start going off. . I have seen it end some long term relationships as the female partner is no longer able to bear children or they had previously agreed not to have them. As horrible as it sounds its hard to say what a man might feel or want 10 years from now.

That said you dont need to have kids to be happy and there are many life long partnerships without them also. Communication is key to avoid unseen surprises down the line.

What if he wants children?....

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