Is it reasonable to think partner is being selfish?

Anonpost123 · 12-10-2019 10:52AM #1

I couldn’t figure how to post out anonymous so I have made a temp account.
Me and my partner bought a house in May and we got engaged in August. I’ve been feeling a bit frustrated. We literally haven’t had a ‘date night’ since our holiday where we got engaged 2 months ago. I said last week that we hadn’t been out in ages and I’d like us to go out. He said he would book us a nice restaurant for dinner (last Saturday). On Friday night he said he didn’t have much money and could we do something cheap. That was fine, we ended up having a night in cos the weather was bad. He had been out the night before for dinner and drinks with his friend N and he’s had something on most weekends lately, 2 stags and a few nights out.
We are renovating the house and I have paid for pretty much everything using my savings. I am starting to feel resentful. He told me the other day that he’s going for a weekend away with his brother before Christmas and he has another stag coming up. I really do not want to be the girlfriend who tells her boyfriend not to go out but I can’t help but feel that it’s unfair and that he is putting himself before us and our house / wedding funds. He was saving for a few months for an engagement ring, we made an agreement that he would cover the mortgage and I would cover everything else for a while so he could get back on track and pay off money he owed his family. We also decided what we would contribute towards the wedding fund. I earn more so it’s reasonable that I contribute a bit more.
I’m meeting friends today and he was going out for a run, I asked if he was going to be back home tonight as we had plans to pick up some materials for the house tomorrow and go to the cinema, his response was ‘I don’t know I might go out for pints with N’. I felt a bit of a sting, given that the one night he said we’d go out we didn’t cos he’d no money. I just sort of feel like he’s prioritizing himself before ‘us’ and I feel like I have to say something but I need to approach it carefully, I don’t want him to think I’m telling him he can’t go out with his friends.
Opinions much appreciated!

Salary Negotiator · 12-10-2019 11:00AM

I’d be annoyed if I was you.

I’m in a similar situation to you, we bought a house last year and got engaged and are now saving for the wedding. This means that we don’t have as much money for the house or going out etc.

What we’ve done is agreed an amount that we each keep as our own walking around money, a fixed amount to live off/cover all bills and everything else goes into savings.

That way everything is paid for and if either of us wants to go away/out for pints there’s no resentment as we’ll have saved for it.

I earn more so contribute more but we each have the same disposable cash each month.

It works for us.

zapper55 · 12-10-2019 01:44PM

He's completely taking the piss money wise.

I wonder are all the nights out him proving to himself that he can still do what he likes despite.beimg engaged? Was he enthusiastic getting engaged?

I'd be having a proper chat with him. Half arsed about dates and you should still be in the excited period about the engagement. And you sound like you are doing all the heavy lifting.

I'd be reluctant to put any more money in the house for now. Could he have gambling debts or something you dont know about? Theres something that doesnt add up.

S.G.M. · 12-10-2019 01:46PM

Your annoyance is warranted. It's perfectly fine for someone to go out with friends, it's needed imo. However, what's not fine is if he prioritises them over their partner.
It sounds like he's crying the poor mouth to you but still has money to go away on plenty of stags.
Would it not be better if he missed one or two of them, saved the money and treated his lady instead?
Can't say I've been in this position before so not sure regarding advice but your frustration is understandable.

Anonpost123 · 12-10-2019 03:08PM

Zapper I think you could be right about ‘proving a point’, he tends to get very irritated when he thinks he’s being told what to do. Which is why I want to approach it the right way.
I can’t help but feel that if it was the other way around, I’d feel terrible planning weekends away knowing he was paying for everything in the house.
He’s taking me to the cinema tomorrow which he probably thinks makes up for not going out last week but I just think it’s still not really good enough.
How do I get him to see my point of view without him thinking I’m telling him what he can do?

Anonpost123 · 12-10-2019 03:11PM

I’m pretty certain he’s not hiding a gambling habit, he’s not the best at managing money.
His job meant he spends money during the month on client lunches etc then expenses it back.

strandroad · 12-10-2019 03:28PM

I do agree that it is quite uncaring to spend on stags and nights out while claiming that you have no budget to treat yourselves as a couple.

But I can also see his side in that from more limited funds and in a fairly short period of time he had to save for house purchase and further work, then save (or borrow?) for an engagement ring, and now keep saving for the wedding on top of it with the house work continuing. These are all costly endeavours and he can feel financially overwhelmed with such an aggressive schedule which can makes one feel like they have no money left at all; people often make themselves feel better with small spending then (also know as lipstick effect), proving to themselves that they are not in fact broke. He might even feel embarrassed to admit it to his friends so he will not turn down invites. I feel stressed just reading it and I'm a woman who never had to buy rings...

If you are concerned about your mortgage and house renovations costs, why did you accept an expensive ring three months later? And why do you want a wedding that requires saving again, why can't you have a cheap one? You can't do much about the house costs if they are realistic but the ring was pure indulgence in your financial situation as you're describing it, and expensive wedding is another one. You need to space them out so that you have some breathing space. I would decide on a very cheap wedding or I would postpone it for when you're done with anything costly for the house. Sit down together and redo the budget, but do not try to renovate and fund the wedding all at once when you've only just paid a lot for the house and the ring!

SusanC10 · 12-10-2019 03:33PM

OP - did you both sit down together and discuss finances and how things would work in relation to mortgage, bills, renovation expenses and other joint expenses before either buying the house or getting engaged?

You seem to be on different pages when it comes to money and I personally believe that for a relationship especially marriage to work long term, a couple need to be in agreement with how to manage finances.

Ursus Horribilis · 12-10-2019 04:00PM

Did you live together before buying this house?

Anonpost123 · 12-10-2019 04:55PM

We aren’t having an extravagant wedding, but we set a budget and we agreed what we both would contribute (which he said he will save and pay me as a lump sum) I didn’t want an expensive ring either and I told him that.
We lived together in my place for 2.5 years prior, my mortgage was low so expenses were considerably less.
We agreed that he would have ‘fun’ money and whatever was left after that could go into savings for long term. We didn’t set a value on the fun money as it could vary so much month to month I guess.
I understand the ‘lipstick effect’, that’s a good point
I guess I’m probably feeling like he’s prioritizing his lads time over date nights with me which is bothering me more than the financial situation

qwerty13 · 12-10-2019 05:53PM

Couple of things re your budget:

”... agreed what we both would contribute (which he said he will save and pay me as a lump sum).” This seems mad to me! Very loose arrangement. How are you supposed to know if anything is being saved. I don’t get this arrangement at all. Plus stuff for house costs or wedding cost often has to be paid up front. Where’s his ‘lump sum’ then??

“... We agreed that he would have ‘fun’ money and whatever was left after that could go into savings for long term. We didn’t set a value on the fun money as it could vary so much month to month I guess.“. Does this not contradict the point above? And he is actually sticking to this (technically at least). He just happens to have no money leftover from fun money! Again, I think this is not a great way to approach saving. It’s only for the very disciplined. Which it doesn’t sound like he is. At all.

Comes across as though you’re on wildly different pages financially, and I’d be concerned that you’ll be left carrying the can for all big expenses. Maybe he’s currently ‘rebelling’ or maybe he genuinely can’t afford all of the very costly stuff happening re house and wedding. I think you should put off the wedding for a couple of years OP. It just doesn’t sound like it’s doable.

strandroad · 12-10-2019 09:24PM

OP you seem to be at completely different levels of expectations when it comes to budgeting. You are the bigger earner, you had a mortgage before, you had savings, he will pay the lump sum to you etc. You seem to control this whole thing.

You accepted the ring - you say you told him it was not supposed to be expensive but clearly it was expensive enough to affect his finances quite badly if he was not able to afford it without making a lot of arrangements. An engagement ring is a symbol of commitment not a financial instrument you need to have a saving plan for.

Why do you need this another saving plan for the wedding so soon? If you need to get married soon because of your moral values etc you can do it in a registry office with a close family dinner for a grand. If you're more liberal why not to wait? You're only engaged for two months.

It's a miserable existence to have to choose between going out to dinner and meeting a friend, or to miss out on all events because you're broke saving. You are newly engaged, you should now be enjoying your time together and working on the house in a sustainable way. Instead you are under massive stress due to a string of ambitious goals that are beyond your current means; what is the level of your respective initiative in them? If you suggested to him that you only want a cheap wedding or you want to leave it for much much later what do you think he would say?

LegacyUser · 12-10-2019 10:30PM

What is his record of honesty like? Do you have proof that he spent a lot of money on the wedding ring? Find a time when you are both relaxed and have a talk, get some agreement down on paper. Actions, and history speak louder than words. What do your friends and family think? ðŸ™„

Batgurl · 13-10-2019 11:39AM

OP - is it the lack of date nights? Or the money that’s bugging you?

The money thing is easily fixed. Just tell him he’ll need to chip in more this month as you’ve a few additional expenses (and then treat yourself to something with the girls).

If it’s the date nights, that’s a bigger issue and only you and he can deal with it.

15-10-2019 06:57AM

What I always think in situations like this is that if one partner needs all this mental care and attention, what happens to the mental health of the other partner?

There are two people in a relationship, both need consideration. To me it seems your partner gets all and you get very little. This is who he is - can you see yourself living a whole lifetime of this?

Heres Johnny · 16-10-2019 04:20PM

Yeah I think he's selfish. I prioritise my fiance hugely in all my decisions, I still go out with the lads alright and I love my pints but have never let her down in favour of pints with the lads. My married friends do this a lot to their wives but I can't imagine ever doing this.... Maybe that will change but I don't think so!

Money not so much an object in our relationship as I have a house bought 8 years now and she has a good job too, we aren't doing anything that strains our finances like renovating a house. That must be hard and you need both parties pulling their weight doing something like that.

ksceniaonegina · 24-10-2019 06:35AM

You're just not his priority that's all.

Is it reasonable to think partner is being selfish?

Comments