Family member dying, what planning is needed?

#1 · 19-09-2019 08:19PM #1

Hi all, the posts on this forum seem to be more about the actual diseases people are facing or coping with the diagnosis. If this is not the appropriate forum then please move it.

I’m looking for resources or advice on what to do for a person (my mother) who needs to organize the practical side of the end of her life over at most six months.

She is separated, is the sole owner of a large house and would have her own bank account and an income for 30 years and will most likely be moving to a hospice soon.

No assets need to be sold to cover treatment or anything.

It’s more, I don’t know anything about her private finances and it’s not something she is able to recall or that I want to talk to her about in the time she is still here. She probably could barely sign her name right now.

I don’t know if she has a solicitor or accountant or how much they are expected to handle things, I don’t know how Wills work, she has one I’m sure but it isn’t the important part of this.

Have people being through this situation with someone who is weakening quite rapidly? Have they advice?

neemish · 19-09-2019 08:27PM

Dots1982 wrote: »

Hi all, the posts on this forum seem to be more about the actual diseases people are facing or coping with the diagnosis. If this is not the appropriate forum then please move it.

I’m looking for resources or advice on what to do for a person (my mother) who needs to organize the practical side of the end of her life over at most six months.

She is separated, is the sole owner of a large house and would have her own bank account and an income for 30 years and will most likely be moving to a hospice soon.

No assets need to be sold to cover treatment or anything.

It’s more, I don’t know anything about her private finances and it’s not something she is able to recall or that I want to talk to her about in the time she is still here. She probably could barely sign her name right now.

I don’t know if she has a solicitor or accountant or how much they are expected to handle things, I don’t know how Wills work, she has one I’m sure but it isn’t the important part of this.

Have people being through this situation with someone who is weakening quite rapidly? Have they advice?

I think your best course of action is to contact a solicitor as soon as you can. They’ll probably have dealt with these situation before and would be better able to advise you.

The Irish Hospice association also has an excellent resource called think ahead.
https://hospicefoundation.ie/programmes/public-awareness/think-ahead/

Great way to start the conversation. Really concrete questions from as basic as what do like to be called to what careplan would you prefer at end of life.

looksee · 19-09-2019 09:09PM

As suggested, a solicitor might be able to help, but you might also try and gently ask her if she can recall the name of her solicitor, or where his office is, some sort of clue. Once you can find him/her it will be much easier to sort out the will, house deeds and what her wishes might be if she had expressed any.

It is quite likely that no-one will be willing to give you information unless you can show you are her next of kin (do you have any siblings?). The fact that she is separated may complicate things a bit, are you in touch with (presumably) your father?

She must have made arrangements to pay for her hospice costs or other ongoing expenses and you may get a lead there. If you have siblings talk to them. Someone will have to take on responsibility for her affairs, this is where a solicitor may be able to help. It will make things much easier in the long run if you can make some sort of a start on this process.

GooglePlus · 19-09-2019 09:11PM

Have her write a will and assign an executor.

muminpajamas · 19-09-2019 09:41PM

So sorry to hear about your mother. Do you have the passwords to her laptop and her email? The pin to her phone? Do you know where she keeps her filing cabinet with documents? Is there life insurance? She may have this through her last job. Does she have a credit union account? The credit union account may automatically come with funeral insurance. Will her health insurance cover the hospice stay? Look for a membership card in her wallet.

Portsalon · 19-09-2019 09:44PM

GooglePlus wrote: »

Have her write a will and assign an executor.

" I don’t know anything about her private finances and it’s not something she is able to recall or that I want to talk to her about in the time she is still here. She probably could barely sign her name right now."

Is she fit to make a will?

She may need to be made a Ward of Court or if feasible to sign a PoA.

Conor Bourke · 19-09-2019 10:02PM

looksee wrote: »

She must have made arrangements to pay for her hospice costs or other ongoing expenses and you may get a lead there.

If the OP’s mother is in Ireland, she does not and will not incur any “hospice costs” for community palliative care services or an inpatient stay in a specialist palliative care unit. If she has private insurance, they will be charged for an IPU stay but she or her family never will be.

OP, I’m so sorry to read about your mum and the predicament you find yourself in. You say your mum will be going into a hospice soon which would suggest that at some point she has been or currently is under the care of a palliative care team, be it in an acute hospital or the community palliative care service. These teams usually have a dedicated Medical Social Worker who would be well placed to offer guidance and practical support to you mum if she would like to get her affairs in order, and to you as well. If your mum is agreeable, seek a referral to the MSW. If she isn’t, you can seek a referral for yourself for emotional as well as practical support.

Best of luck to you both on this journey.

GooglePlus · 19-09-2019 10:06PM

Portsalon wrote: »

" I don’t know anything about her private finances and it’s not something she is able to recall or that I want to talk to her about in the time she is still here. She probably could barely sign her name right now."

Is she fit to make a will?

She may need to be made a Ward of Court or if feasible to sign a PoA.

Apologies, if she is of sound mind and a will is already in place, have her review it and assign an executor. This is more for you guys as the delay in settling an estate without this in order can be a nightmare.

Personally for her, all you can do is try your best to ensure she's comfortable and has everyone important to her by her side when the time comes, if you can.

Find out where she'd like to be buried if it's not too sensitive to talk about and she might even have a favourite song to play during burial.

Dots1982 · 23-09-2019 08:29PM

Ok thanks to the people who have replied. Their thoughts and advice is appreciated.

I’m not going to say too much right now only that my mother was given the bad news in a way that made her feel like she had a chance if she got stronger. That’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just she didn’t grasp that there is no hope when it’s a growing tumor that is inoperable. She’ll come to the sad realization with time.

She has a will and a contact at the solicitors to follow up with. We need to find out tomorrow if they will talk to us about is everything in place tomorrow and look to have an executor appointed and a power of attorney possibilities.

looksee · 24-09-2019 08:02AM

Dots you are in a very sad and difficult situation, I hope you have support to help you as you support your mother. Please be aware that there is every chance the solicitor may tell you that they cannot do anything without her knowledge and consent and you may just have to wait until she becomes aware that she has to put her affairs in order.

Its quite possible that she does indeed understand her situation but is not ready to face it yet. Let things move along as they will for a while, it does not sound as though there are issues with her affairs if she has a will. If she has difficulty writing it may be possible to approach the power of attorney question without any problem, my sister had something similar to power of attorney for our mother for years as she had had a stroke and could not write or speak, even though she understood her affairs.

Do you have a GP you could talk to? It might help you rationalise the situation a bit.

Dots1982 · 25-09-2019 09:21PM

Has anyone got good knowledge on the HSE’s Fair deal scheme here? We were told to consider it as the best solution to nursing home care.

looksee · 25-09-2019 09:42PM

There are threads about aspects of the fair deal scheme scattered around Boards, most of them are in the Carers and Caring forum but there are odd ones elsewhere in Legal and in Taxation for example. If you put 'fair deal scheme' in the search box at the top of the page you should see some of them. You might get more response to questions in, for example, the Carers forum.

Uriel. · 25-09-2019 09:47PM

Dots1982 wrote: »

Has anyone got good knowledge on the HSE’s Fair deal scheme here? We were told to consider it as the best solution to nursing home care.

Does she actually need nursing home care? Does she want nursing home care. Pall care services seems a better fit for her needs, based on what you describe. You should look to speak with the community social worker and/or public health nurse about you're mother's care needs and care plan going forward.
If there's anything specific you want to know about fair deal do ask. The carers forum will also have info.

Dots1982 · 26-09-2019 12:49PM

Apparently my mother was discharged from hospital without organizing a meeting with the chemotherapist. So now in her weak state we have to get her to Beaumont by taxi or ambulance where I presume this guy will tell her there’s nothing he can do for her.

Could this meeting not be done over phone or without her presence or by any means other than taking her into a situation which will be exhausting and probably give her false hope that will be dismissed in a minute? Is the reason they want her there is no avoid litigation?

Family member dying, what planning is needed?

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