Tension with colleague I used to be friendly with - advice?

LegacyUser · 26-08-2019 08:16PM #1

Hi everyone,

For the past few weeks there's been a strange dynamic at work with a colleague. I noticed this change because myself and this colleague would previously have been fairly close and would have friendly chats and joke around often. This has all changed lately and I sense an air of tension/awkwardness and we now rarely communicate with each other unless other colleagues are also in the room.

To give some background to the situation, a few weeks ago the topic of salary came up on the conversation. Said colleague told me that everyone in the company was on different pay packages and nobody was earning the same wage, despite doing pretty much the same job. I was really shocked at this and said that this wasn't fair at all, to which my colleague agreed.

There was then awkward silence and inadvertently due to case of perhaps thinking out loud, I then said the salary I was told I would be on when I first started( which was after my colleague and the salary I am currently earning). My colleague did not respond to me saying this and I quickly changed the subject. The minute I said this, I immediately regretted it and really wish I never opened my mouth, as I think maybe my colleague thought perhaps I was trying to gloat(I wasn't and I'd have assumed they would be on the same, if not higher salary than me).

Now, my colleague will barely speak to me and if there's only the two of us in the room, won't talk at all. I can only assume it is because of what I said. Them and another colleague are also now talking about applying for other jobs as they said they're fed up of it here and told me I should also think of moving on. The situation makes me regretful as this was the colleague that showed me the ropes when I first started and helped me out a lot, which I was so incredibly grateful.

I have no idea how to handle the current situation and cope with the change in atmosphere so any advice at all would be appreciated.

zapper55 · 26-08-2019 10:17PM

You were a bit naive here. Your colleague was obviously digging for dirt by talking about salaries. Instead of you being all shocked and indiscreet you should have just said mmmm and changed the subject.

This is their problem and I'd be inclined to keep out of their way they sound like trouble. Maybe they were only friendly to find out the salary info, who knows. Sounds like they will be moving on soon.

Consider it a lesson learnt and don't share information about salaries, interviews, moves etc.

Augme · 26-08-2019 10:22PM

There's nothing you can do at this stage. Just keep it professional and hope they move on to new jobs.

SirChenjin · 27-08-2019 09:13AM

zapper55 wrote: »

You were a bit naive here. Your colleague was obviously digging for dirt by talking about salaries. Instead of you being all shocked and indiscreet you should have just said mmmm and changed the subject.

This is their problem and I'd be inclined to keep out of their way they sound like trouble. Maybe they were only friendly to find out the salary info, who knows. Sounds like they will be moving on soon.

Consider it a lesson learnt and don't share information about salaries, interviews, moves etc.

Agreed.
I don't think there is much you can do about the colleague. They probably engineered the conversation deliberately.

Consider it a lesson learnt. Keep things professional with the colleague and leave it at that.

John Hutton · 27-08-2019 09:19AM

OP I think it's more probable that they are on more money than you and feel awkward.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with discussing salary with your peers. The only one who benefits from workers not knowing is the employer.

In a previous role it turned out that I was on significantly more than a female colleague for doing the exact same job. The only difference was she accepted the offered wage without comment and I asked for more. We ended up discussing it with the other 2 people doing the same job and ended up going to the boss saying we wanted an increase to the same wage as each other. I was in favour of getting a union in to do this but was overruled but the employer ended up increasing the others wage to the same as me.

BrokenArrows · 27-08-2019 09:51AM

John Hutton wrote: »

OP I think it's more probable that they are on more money than you and feel awkward.

...

Doubt it.

Its fairly common for new starters to have a much better starting wage than the staring wage of those hired a few years previously.

So when you compare someone who has worked there a few years and received an annual pay rises of a few percent its very likely his starting wage would have been more than the old colleague.

Unfortunately OP, there is nothing you can do. He is pissed off at what you are earning and while he shouldnt take this out on you, its pretty natural that he is pissed off about the salaries. It will eventually return to normal, if he doesnt quit.

Similar situation happened to my company (not me personally).
They were acquired by a large multi national where the base salaries for the tech support office was much higher than it was previously. Staff who worked there for years were earning less than this and new hires were paid more.
The company eventually bumped up the old staff to the new minimum which was still a kick in the teeth, because the new staff hadn't a clue how to do the work and were being trained on the job.

Essentially it resulted in mass resignations.

I never discuss salaries at work. Nothing good can come from it.
If you are earning less money then your colleagues then you get pissed off, if you are earning more then they get pissed off.

StinkyMunkey · 27-08-2019 06:05PM

Take it as a lesson and move on. Never under any circumstances discuss you pay with anyone other than you partner.

I don't even discuss my pay with family or friends, it's private and no one else's business.

A mentor once told me, never discuss you pay or get too familiar with your colleagues, it's the best advise I've ever gotten.

Mark this one down to experience and either ask him what's the problem or simply learn to ignore him.

tara73 · 27-08-2019 07:41PM

yes, I think lesson learned for you OP. Never ever tell your salary to colleagues. And this 'friend' didn't even asked you directly or did they? Even then you shouldn't tell or feel under pressure, just decline politely. Also not when somebody tells you theirs.

Anyway, I also think your colleagues behaviour to obviously being offended is ridiculous and childish. You didn't try to personal attack them when negotiating your salary but they see it as something like a personal insult or attack. If at all, they could be annoyed with the head of the company/your boss.

Just do your work and don't care about them sulking. Easier said than done but it's possible.

ILoveYourVibes · 27-08-2019 10:03PM

My advice is never talk about money.

dickangel · 27-08-2019 11:21PM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

My advice is never talk about money.

Great advice. Hop in your time machine OP.

never_mind · 28-08-2019 10:55AM

Ridiculous to say never discuss your salary with colleagues... transparency in that regard is how women routinely realise they are underpaid by men.

I’m guessing the colleague is on a LOWER not higher wage than you. My advice? Leave it be.

wiggle16 · 28-08-2019 11:34AM

dickangel wrote: »

Great advice. Hop in your time machine OP.

Mod:

Pot, kettle. If you have no advice for the OP yourself then don't post.

tara73 · 28-08-2019 04:30PM

never_mind wrote: »

Ridiculous to say never discuss your salary with colleagues... transparency in that regard is how women routinely realise they are underpaid by men.

sorry, a bit general discussion territory, but just realised you have a point...

ILoveYourVibes · 28-08-2019 07:28PM

Just be professional OP. And wait it out.
Its obvious the conversation has stirred things up a bit.

It is natural for others to be demoralized after hearing they earn less.

It doesn't do anybody any good to share that information, all that can happen are potential jealousies.

Also people can draw conclusions from incomplete information. Your colleagues could have other benefits you don't. So don't feel too bad about it ok?

Knowing the going rate for your skills is totally different from finding out your colleague's salary in your firm. Your colleague was in the wrong to ask you or at least unprofessional. It put you in an uncomfortable position. And now they are taking it very personally. Its not mature and its not professional.

If you know the going rate for your skills in the market its then between you and your manager.

This isn't your fault. So don't feel bad. Just carry on doing your job and being polite etc.

Its not your fault they are acting this way.

You have a right not to be treated badly because of your salary.

Diceicle · 31-08-2019 04:16PM

I can't see that OP did anything wrong. You had a polite conversation with a colleague - the fact that salary was raised is immaterial.
If they've got the hump over something - its not with you, its with their/your employer (and your presumably) improved or relatively better terms and salary.
The whole cloak and dagger advice above re: salary discussions only serves the benefit of the owner at the end of the day.

ongarboy · 02-09-2019 01:42PM

There's a reason why many companies (in the private sector anyway) state in your annual compensation package/pay rise/bonus letter that all such information should be treated strictly in confidence and not discussed with fellow colleagues (for the very reason OP has encountered and many more).

OP - you did nothing wrong but you have learned a lesson - keep compensation matters to yourself. The fact the other worker resents you is on him/her, not you, although it is unfortunate you have to endure their icy attitude subsequently even though you've done nothing wrong. It is extremely petty on their side to take it out on you (even subtly).

SteelyDanJalapeno · 05-09-2019 10:40AM

We openly discuss salaries on our team, it gives us leverage for negotiating rises during acr period, it only benefits the company by not discussing salaries.

It's his problem if he's annoyed at what you earn.

Tension with colleague I used to be friendly with - advice?

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