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New relationship

  • 31-07-2019 11:23AM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi all so I've been seeing a girl resently whom I am very fond of. We have such a great time together both in late 30s.

    She is wild in the sense that she has admitted to me she's a shady past regarding sex and guys etc. She says im very different and I treat her like no other so she is happy just to see me.

    However my issue is she's going away for a few weekends with people and on her own. She does drink alot and I'm paranoid she will cheat. And it's really wrecking my head. I guess it's a mix of my paranoia and maybe a little jealousy but also from things she has said to me about her views about sex and her past.

    My head is wrecked but I really do like her..I know it's not a great start to a relationship if you've no trust. Any advise is much appreciated

    Thanks for reading


Comments

  • #2
    Hercule Poirot
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,231 ✭✭✭Hercule Poirot


    Regardless of her past she is entitled to some trust from your end. I get why you might have an issue but if it's going to work between you both then you have to take that first step in showing that you trust her.

    If you can't then it's best not to drag this out anymore than you have to because in the end your feelings of mistrust will drive you apart anyways.

    At the end of the day, and apologies for the bluntness, the problem is yours and only you can get over it - or not, as the case may be.


  • #3
    Cooper89
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33 ✭Cooper89


    she was very upfront about her past. She did not have to tell you anything like that. In fact I am shocked she did.

    It shows that she feels like she can confide with you about the most intimate parts of her life. It is obvious by that alone that she does see you in a different light to anyone she has seen before.

    I think you owe it to her to trust her. Everybody deserves that chance.

    Good Luck hope it all works out for you.


  • #4
    Stevieluvsye
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,907 ✭✭✭Stevieluvsye


    I’d be worried mate if I was new in to a relationship and she told me all that but speak to her about your worries.

    She’ll appreciate that you are concerned which shows you care about her.

    Other than that you’ll end up anxious and off with her and sending her texts like “where you chatting to other blokes”

    Then it is all down hill from there


  • #5
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    To be blunt, you need to get a handle on how you feel. There's nothing she can do about this.

    If the pair of you are exclusive then you have to assume she will not cheat, just like you wouldn't cheat on her. Her past isn't relevant, yous are both in your late 30s so you have both had plenty of time to acquire a sexual history.

    Some people can't get past this and they end up turning into those doses who text their partner on a night out, ask them to check in with them, when will they be home etc. No amount of reassurance from the other partner ever resolves it. You need to figure out a way to put these feelings behind you, otherwise it will not work.


  • #6
    MSGSM
    Closed Accounts Posts: 95 ✭✭MSGSM


    She deserves your trust. If she cheats then she's not worth losing sleep over. You'll find someone better.
    However, don't overthink it. Let her go enjoy herself. You're worrying about something that hasn't happened. Waste of your time and energy.


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  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP here thanks all for the constructive advice.
    I know all comments where on point and it's only me that can change the insecurity and paranoia.

    I've read over these comments numerous times and I have taking all of them on board. I guess I just wanted to see other people's opinions on the little detail I did give. I know she's a nice person and does deserve my trust regardless of what tendencies I believe she may have.

    If anything does happen I don't want to be the person who ruined it due to being a paranoid jealous boyfriend. So I will work on my random thoughts and trust issues.

    Thanks all for opening my eyes somewhat.


  • #8
    Xterminator
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,819 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Hi OP

    You sound very fearful of what she is going to do/how she behaves.

    you mentioned she has been all up front and honest about her past, but perhaps your past is relevant here too. Have you been badly affected by a previous partner cheating?

    It sounds to me like perhaps you have some emotional baggage here too, that is colouring your mindset?


  • #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Xterminator wrote: »
    Hi OP

    You sound very fearful of what she is going to do/how she behaves.

    you mentioned she has been all up front and honest about her past, but perhaps your past is relevant here too. Have you been badly affected by a previous partner cheating?

    It sounds to me like perhaps you have some emotional baggage here too, that is colouring your mindset?

    I think I do have emotional baggage from previous relationships which I know I have to deal with. When you say "I sound very fearful of what she is going to do/how she behaves" i suppose i am and i think an element of this is that alot of girls I've been with were less wild in the sense that where more reserved to an extent
    So when she talks openly about sex, porn or about guys she's going away with...the paranoia kicks in. Again I know this is my problem and so far she's done nothing for me to mistrust. She has told white lies but what human doesn't me included.

    She's doesn't take compliments well or give them. But has told me this as she said to give her a little time as she's not used to that kind of thing. Which I think is fair enough. But don't want to paint a certain picture of her either as she is very thoughtful and treats me very well.


  • #10
    Xterminator
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,819 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    my advice would be to be pretty open with her and let her know that honesty is really important to you, because you have been hurt in the past.
    your 1st post did (i thought) focus on her history, but i think your issues mainly spring from your own. The danger here is that you teach her not to be open about the past or porn, or who she is going away with because she thinks she has to tiptoe around you, for fear of igniting your fears. and of course if she starts being less honest it will only fuel your suspicions. so make sure you don't inadvertently give off that message, by being very clear and upfront.


    As long as she is honest with you in then you will hopefully become less perturbed about what she could do when she is not with you, as the trust bank fills up. It sounds to me like this relationship has potential, and is worth giving it every chance! I hope it all works out for you both.


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