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How is a man supposed to find a woman in the 21st century

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    #812
    Neon_Lights
    Registered Users Posts: 1,426 ✭✭✭Neon_Lights


    Answer: Assume they're lesbians, vegans, feminists or a combination of all three then try to change their mind


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    #813
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    I don't do the apps. They do bad things to my self-esteem and I don't like feeling like I'm someone's option in a sea of options.

    I've found I meet way more men since I made that executive decision to not use the apps. It was a scary decision. I'm a 34 year old woman and it felt like I was "opting out" of dating altogether by choosing to not use Tinder / Hinge / dating-app-du-jour.

    What I've actually found is that there's sort of a backlash against them at the moment, where single people are really fed up of them and men really want to meet women in that real, old-fashioned way. And if given a chance, they'll be a lot more forward about asking out or expressing interest if you open the door a little. Flirt a little, engage them in banter, eye contact, laughter, smiles, all that good stuff.

    Since January I've met about 6 guys "in real life", through a combination of conferences, work acquaintances and weddings. Just by being social and being open with everyone I meet. I've found if I open the door a little by being friendly and flirty, guys will walk right through. It's a wonderful revelation to make and has done wonders for my self-esteem and general optimism about meeting a partner in the future.

    The latest guy I'm seeing was someone I met at a work conference. We had that slow build of getting to know each other over a few days, the prolonged stares and smiles and "does he or doesn't he?" mystery, ending up talking together in the corner at social events in the evening. Him asking my colleague about me, that penultimate kiss on our last night together. It's hard to manufacture that on the apps, which is my biggest problem with them. The dates you organise just throw you into this stilted pressure cooker environment where it's like you have a gun to your head: "DO YOU FANCY THIS GUY? WOULD YOU MARRY HIM? WOULD YOU HAVE HIS BABIES? IS THERE SOMEONE BETTER OUT THERE? DECIDE NOW!!!"

    He's also 44, divorced with 2 kids and lives in New York while I live in London. I'd never have "swiped right" on him on a dating app, because he's nowhere near "right on paper". But he's perfect and the most kind, honest, wonderful guy and we're both invested in making it work.

    I find as Irish people we're not so good at taking the bull by the horns and fostering romance, expressing interest in one another, all that stuff. What I've learned though is you have to take responsibility for your love life and create the opportunities for yourself. Be the most open and attractive person you can be. Would YOU date you? Are you putting yourself in the right line of fire to meet guys / girls? Are you able to be friendly and light-hearted about yourself? So many people get so heavy about this stuff and develop an "ALL women / men are like X, Y, Z" after a few bad experiences, which plays into their body language and creates a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy as far as their love life is concerned.


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    #814
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    I recently deleted all the apps too.
    I noticed I was becoming overly cynical and critical of the intentions of every guy I connected with, and was only wasting both my own time and his.

    I was offered a free one-month trial of Tinder plus and that was just the nail in the coffin, instead of making things more straight forward it just made me more anxious to have so many options (yes I know how ridiculous that sounds).

    I'm going to take a break for a few months to try to develop a healthier most positive attitude, I'm going on a big holiday in September so I might try again after that.
    If I meet someone IRL in the mean time that would be great, but if not that's ok too.

    I think I need to reassess my "type" anyway - I continuously seem to go for guys who either have commitment issues or are way too overbearing and controlling. I'm hoping a few months break will make me more open minded and relaxed about it all.


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    #815
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 25,611 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I swipe right on 95+% of girls on tinder and might get a match a week if I'm lucky out of ~500.
    It's all a bit bollocks really and listening to some of my female friends is pretty irritating. A couple were going on about how they match with everyone they swipe with which puts them off because they think all guys on Tinder are desperate. I suggested whichever app it is where women have to send the first message and got "Oh that sounds horrible".
    Basically it comes down to what everyone knows even if it's not polite to say it.


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    #816
    leahyl
    Registered Users Posts: 14,250 ✭✭✭✭leahyl


    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    I don't do the apps. They do bad things to my self-esteem and I don't like feeling like I'm someone's option in a sea of options.

    I've found I meet way more men since I made that executive decision to not use the apps. It was a scary decision. I'm a 34 year old woman and it felt like I was "opting out" of dating altogether by choosing to not use Tinder / Hinge / dating-app-du-jour.

    What I've actually found is that there's sort of a backlash against them at the moment, where single people are really fed up of them and men really want to meet women in that real, old-fashioned way. And if given a chance, they'll be a lot more forward about asking out or expressing interest if you open the door a little. Flirt a little, engage them in banter, eye contact, laughter, smiles, all that good stuff.

    Since January I've met about 6 guys "in real life", through a combination of conferences, work acquaintances and weddings. Just by being social and being open with everyone I meet. I've found if I open the door a little by being friendly and flirty, guys will walk right through. It's a wonderful revelation to make and has done wonders for my self-esteem and general optimism about meeting a partner in the future.

    The latest guy I'm seeing was someone I met at a work conference. We had that slow build of getting to know each other over a few days, the prolonged stares and smiles and "does he or doesn't he?" mystery, ending up talking together in the corner at social events in the evening. Him asking my colleague about me, that penultimate kiss on our last night together. It's hard to manufacture that on the apps, which is my biggest problem with them. The dates you organise just throw you into this stilted pressure cooker environment where it's like you have a gun to your head: "DO YOU FANCY THIS GUY? WOULD YOU MARRY HIM? WOULD YOU HAVE HIS BABIES? IS THERE SOMEONE BETTER OUT THERE? DECIDE NOW!!!"

    He's also 44, divorced with 2 kids and lives in New York while I live in London. I'd never have "swiped right" on him on a dating app, because he's nowhere near "right on paper". But he's perfect and the most kind, honest, wonderful guy and we're both invested in making it work.

    I find as Irish people we're not so good at taking the bull by the horns and fostering romance, expressing interest in one another, all that stuff. What I've learned though is you have to take responsibility for your love life and create the opportunities for yourself. Be the most open and attractive person you can be. Would YOU date you? Are you putting yourself in the right line of fire to meet guys / girls? Are you able to be friendly and light-hearted about yourself? So many people get so heavy about this stuff and develop an "ALL women / men are like X, Y, Z" after a few bad experiences, which plays into their body language and creates a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy as far as their love life is concerned.

    You speak a lot of sense. I’m afraid I’m becoming that person who is getting too negative about it all. I’m also not very experienced so that doesn’t help. That’s completely correct that there is a pressure (at least for me anyway) on the dating apps where I’m trying to decide straight away whether I fancy then or not/thinking ahead too much, whereas if I met someone in real life and it happened naturally I don’t think I’d feel the same.

    I do get the impression that a lot of people are getting sick of the dating apps but maybe I’m wrong. I know they have worked for many people but I think you need a certain type of personality or sometimes it’s just pure luck if they meet someone.


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    #817
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 25,611 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    leahyl wrote: »
    You speak a lot of sense. I’m afraid I’m becoming that person who is getting too negative about it all. I’m also not very experienced so that doesn’t help. That’s completely correct that there is a pressure (at least for me anyway) on the dating apps where I’m trying to decide straight away whether I fancy then or not/thinking ahead too much, whereas if I met someone in real life and it happened naturally I don’t think I’d feel the same.

    I do get the impression that a lot of people are getting sick of the dating apps but maybe I’m wrong. I know they have worked for many people but I think you need a certain type of personality or sometimes it’s just pure luck if they meet someone.

    I get the impression they worked for certain people and specifically because they were new. People who are growing with the Apps ever-present are less likely to have them work out IMO because they will use them differently to how people used them when they started out.


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    #818
    leahyl
    Registered Users Posts: 14,250 ✭✭✭✭leahyl


    Is there anything to be said for having all the singles on Boards meet in a public place and just see what happens? :pac:


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    #819
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I've never been drawn to the self-conscious artifice of online dating. Other posters have remarked about the difficulty of finding that special someone out there. I can only speak from experience, but have faith & don't succumb to the pressure of unrealistic expectations. Without sounding glib, joining activity groups like hill-walking or dancing can be quite helpful if one doesn't have a large peer group. Take a chance or two, life is too short for regretting what could have been.


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    #820
    leahyl
    Registered Users Posts: 14,250 ✭✭✭✭leahyl


    Deleted User wrote: »
    I've never been drawn to the self-conscious artifice of online dating. Other posters have remarked about the difficulty of finding that special someone out there. I can only speak from experience, but have faith & don't succumb to the pressure of unrealistic expectations. Without sounding glib, joining activity groups like hill-walking or dancing can be quite helpful if one doesn't have a large peer group. Take a chance or two, life is too short for regretting what could have been.

    Nice post, can you elaborate on what you mean by bolded part?


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    #821
    leahyl
    Registered Users Posts: 14,250 ✭✭✭✭leahyl


    Deleted User wrote: »
    I swipe right on 95+% of girls on tinder and might get a match a week if I'm lucky out of ~500.
    It's all a bit bollocks really and listening to some of my female friends is pretty irritating. A couple were going on about how they match with everyone they swipe with which puts them off because they think all guys on Tinder are desperate. I suggested whichever app it is where women have to send the first message and got "Oh that sounds horrible".
    Basically it comes down to what everyone knows even if it's not polite to say it.

    That's suprising. I find that lately I have been the one to send the first message to a few guys and haven't got any replies; maybe guys are showing girls what it feels like! :pac:


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    #822
    victor8600
    Registered Users Posts: 1,627 ✭✭✭victor8600


    leahyl wrote: »
    Is there anything to be said for having all the singles on Boards meet in a public place and just see what happens? :pac:

    That would be a riot! :pac:


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    #823
    Deebles McBeebles
    Registered Users Posts: 5,756 ✭✭✭Deebles McBeebles


    leahyl wrote: »
    Is there anything to be said for having all the singles on Boards meet in a public place and just see what happens? :pac:

    World's saddest cattle mart comes to mind. All wandering around a field in Wicklow like Funland from Father Ted.


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    #824
    leahyl
    Registered Users Posts: 14,250 ✭✭✭✭leahyl


    Deebles McBeebles wrote: »
    World's saddest cattle mart comes to mind. All wandering around a field in Wicklow like Funland from Father Ted.

    Sheesh! Speak for yourself :pac: It'd be like a night out but where you know evereyone is single and all want to meet someone; no guessing games as to who is unattached.


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    #825
    Deebles McBeebles
    Registered Users Posts: 5,756 ✭✭✭Deebles McBeebles


    leahyl wrote: »
    Sheesh! Speak for yourself :pac: It'd be like a night out but where you know evereyone is single and all want to meet someone; no guessing games as to who is unattached.

    Oh ok, so more like Ugly Love Island ;)


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    #826
    leahyl
    Registered Users Posts: 14,250 ✭✭✭✭leahyl


    Deebles McBeebles wrote: »
    Oh ok, so more like Ugly Love Island ;)

    I'm a stunnah ;)


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    #827
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    Deebles McBeebles wrote: »
    World's saddest cattle mart comes to mind. All wandering around a field in Wicklow like Funland from Father Ted.

    Was there one before or am I remembering wrong? I vaguely recall someone posting about one but I'm not sure if it was an AH meetup or a singles night!


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    #828
    Deebles McBeebles
    Registered Users Posts: 5,756 ✭✭✭Deebles McBeebles


    SusieBlue wrote: »
    Was there one before or am I remembering wrong? I vaguely recall someone posting about one but I'm not sure if it was an AH meetup or a singles night!

    A few I think, not sure if any were singles events though.


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    #829
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,526 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    SusieBlue wrote: »
    Was there one before or am I remembering wrong? I vaguely recall someone posting about one but I'm not sure if it was an AH meetup or a singles night!

    There hasn't been an AH beers in a long time. Something about a mod ruining the last one by taking surreptitious pics of some of the women. The Online Dating Group used to meet up fairly regularly; no idea if they still do, though.


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    #830
    leahyl
    Registered Users Posts: 14,250 ✭✭✭✭leahyl


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    There hasn't been an AH beers in a long time. Something about a mod ruining the last one by taking surreptitious pics of some of the women. The Online Dating Group used to meet up fairly regularly; no idea if they still do, though.

    :eek::mad:


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    #831
    Deebles McBeebles
    Registered Users Posts: 5,756 ✭✭✭Deebles McBeebles


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    Something about a mod ruining the last one by taking surreptitious pics of some of the women.

    This is why we can't have nice things. Is that for real though? Creepy.


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    #832
    CelticRambler
    Registered Users Posts: 6,754 ✭✭✭CelticRambler


    leahyl wrote: »
    Is there anything to be said for having all the singles on Boards meet in a public place and just see what happens? :pac:



    Home breadcrumb_divider.png Topics breadcrumb_divider.png Society & Culture breadcrumb_divider.png Family breadcrumb_divider.png Parenting breadcrumb_divider.png Pregnant breadcrumb_divider.png Due February 2020

    :D


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    #833
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    There hasn't been an AH beers in a long time. Something about a mod ruining the last one by taking surreptitious pics of some of the women. The Online Dating Group used to meet up fairly regularly; no idea if they still do, though.

    That's crazy, are they still a Mod? :eek:


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    #834
    pinkyeye
    Registered Users Posts: 1,293 ✭✭✭pinkyeye


    OMM 0000 wrote: »
    Think things through before posting.

    Almost all women want children. That's a fact. How do we know this? Because almost all women have children.

    Therefore it's not an "enormous sweeping generalisation" to say "women would be happy coming home to a house at 60 to their kid saying hello".

    Do you really believe what you're saying, or do you just come here to argue with people?

    You're not making sense.

    If I come home at 60 and my kids are still living there they'll be getting a boot up the hole. :rolleyes:


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    #835
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,526 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    SusieBlue wrote: »
    That's crazy, are they still a Mod? :eek:

    No.


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    #836
    Doctor Jimbob
    Registered Users Posts: 7,634 ✭✭✭Doctor Jimbob


    Deebles McBeebles wrote: »
    A few I think, not sure if any were singles events though.

    AH meetup, singles event, what's the difference? :pac:


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    #837
    leahyl
    Registered Users Posts: 14,250 ✭✭✭✭leahyl


    Unfortunately, we're probably all scattered around the country so we wouldn't be able to come up with a suitable venue.....ah well, I tried :pac:


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    #838
    CelticRambler
    Registered Users Posts: 6,754 ✭✭✭CelticRambler


    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    I've found I meet way more men since I made that executive decision to not use the apps. It was a scary decision.

    Same thing for me, from the male side, a few years ago. My decision was more financially motivated than anything else: I looked at what a supposedly premium package could offer me on any/all of the usual dating sites and decided it'd be way simpler, and more fun, to spend that amount on extra diesel to go further out of my stomping ground. If nothing else, at least I'd be guaranteed a more active social life.
    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    The dates you organise just throw you into this stilted pressure cooker environment where it's like you have a gun to your head: "DO YOU FANCY THIS GUY? WOULD YOU MARRY HIM? WOULD YOU HAVE HIS BABIES? IS THERE SOMEONE BETTER OUT THERE? DECIDE NOW!!!"

    He's also 44, divorced with 2 kids and lives in New York while I live in London. I'd never have "swiped right" on him on a dating app, because he's nowhere near "right on paper". But he's perfect and the most kind, honest, wonderful guy and we're both invested in making it work.

    This was the other reason I opted out of any kind of premium upgrade - none of them change the barriers (especially age and geography) that every site encourages its members to put up.

    Meanwhile back in real life, I found myself debunking OMM's "numbers game" at a dance last Friday - a very small attendance but because of which I had a chance to dance and chat with one in particular that I hope to meet again next weekend. The fact that we'll both have to travel to Germany is irrelevant ... :pac:


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    #839
    Feisar
    Registered Users Posts: 6,619 ✭✭✭Feisar


    Back when I was at the ould craic my main modus operandi was meeting women in the flesh out and about. Which in Ireland means Pub/Late Bar/Night Club. Used to find the late bar's the best, more lively than the pub but without the excess noise of a night club.

    As with everything location is key, you need to be somewhere there is a lot of traffic in the venue, some pinch point or other. No point in being in a corner somewhere. After that stand out and be high energy. I won't repeat what other's have said regarding grooming etc, have that stuff down, get in a bit of shape etc.
    I'm not saying it'll rain women but no point in sitting at home being sour.

    Some people seem to have a complex about Tinder etc, just another string in the bow, I never gauged myself on my success on it or not, odds are skewed in ladies favor but who cares?

    What more can you do than play the hand yer dealt as best you can?

    Can I mention some good tips I picked up from PUA stuff? (For shame I read a few books!)

    Dress well, get a good haircut, be well turned out
    Be higher energy than those around you
    Have a convo opener or two, I'm not talking about whole conversations to make you appear high value as they was but sometimes it can be hard to start. A good one I used to use when at a bar was "did you see the two girls fighting outside" read it in a PUA book, it usually gets some sort of answer as it's unusual. If a girl jostled by me at the bar, I'd always remark "I'll get served first anyway". Of course I'd have given the sexy blonde behind the bar a good tip earlier. You are suddenly pre selected as the say. Another wee tip is don't be "pecking" I think it's called from memory. Taller lads will have a habit of leaning in when talking to hear and be heard to someone specifically a female as she will generally be shorter. This has the effect of crowding someone out/being imposing/invading their space.

    First they came for the socialists...



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    #840
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 25,611 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    leahyl wrote: »
    That's suprising. I find that lately I have been the one to send the first message to a few guys and haven't got any replies; maybe guys are showing girls what it feels like! :pac:

    About damn time, they've had it coming. :P


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    #841
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    best tip is never ever be or have anything to do with PUA culture


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