How is a man supposed to find a woman in the 21st century

KikiLaRue · 05-06-2019 09:39AM

Plopsu wrote: »

I'd imagine George is mostly bewildered that all the Georginas seem to think they're going to end up with Fred.

George would have more luck if he focused on upping his own game.

B0jangles · 05-06-2019 09:43AM

I think there's maybe a misunderstanding about the common advice to just 'Be Yourself' - I understand that to mean, don't try to pretend to be someone you aren't just to attract a man/woman because that's completely unsustainable in the long run.

I think maybe some people take the phrase 'be yourself' to mean that you shouldn't be expected to change anything at all about how you present yourself or change anything about your habits or social activities; that you should be able to meet the person of your dreams by just sitting there and pretty much waiting for them to arrive - and of course, that pretty much only happens in fairytales. (and even in fairytales, it only happens to beautiful princesses/handsome princes*)

*and there tends to be a kingdom up for grabs to go with said Prince/Princess, so unless you've a hell of a lot of road frontage, you're probably still out of luck.

blackwhite · 05-06-2019 09:45AM

KikiLaRue wrote: »

I have a friend who swears all ginger men have big willies.

She probably was just blinded by the glare from the ginger pubes

kunst nugget · 05-06-2019 09:46AM

Plopsu wrote: »

I'd imagine George is mostly bewildered that all the Georginas seem to think they're going to end up with Fred.

So, it's not George's fault. It's all the deluded women that are to blame...

ArchXStanton · 05-06-2019 09:47AM

Plopsu wrote: »

I'd imagine George is mostly bewildered that all the Georginas seem to think they're going to end up with Fred.

We've got 5's and 6's running around out here thinking they're 9's and 10's

KikiLaRue · 05-06-2019 09:53AM

ArchXStanton wrote: »

We've got 5's and 6's running around out here thinking they're 9's and 10's

We’ve got a whole generation of financially independent women here, who know that anyone who values them purely on their looks isn’t worth it.

CelticRambler · 05-06-2019 09:56AM

KikiLaRue wrote: »

Why is it either or? Why can’t you go dancing tonight with your stable group of friends (any of whom might have an attractive friend visiting) and also take up a new hobby and meet new people?

Because (as has been pointed out here and elsewhere) there aren't necessarily any other hobbies/groups available within a reasonable distance when you live in a rural environment. And even then, take out sports and drinking and what you're left with are an awful lot of hobbies that are perfectly "normal" but not very "sociable" - art, photography, woodturning, beekeeping, creative writing, visiting historical monuments, antiques, vintage cars ... etc, etc. You could have 52 different hobbies and still struggle to find one event a week to go to, especially when a lot of these choose to hold their big events on the same day/weekend.

I have an active interest in about half of the hobbies on that list, and by far the most interaction I get with other people is online rather than in real-life. On the flip side, those online relationships frequently translate into subsequent real-world meetings - more often than crossing paths with someone IRL leads to a long-term friendship of any kind.

KikiLaRue · 05-06-2019 10:00AM

CelticRambler wrote: »

Because (as has been pointed out here and elsewhere) there aren't necessarily any other hobbies/groups available within a reasonable distance when you live in a rural environment. And even then, take out sports and drinking and what you're left with are an awful lot of hobbies that are perfectly "normal" but not very "sociable" - art, photography, woodturning, beekeeping, creative writing, visiting historical monuments, antiques, vintage cars ... etc, etc. You could have 52 different hobbies and still struggle to find one event a week to go to, especially when a lot of these choose to hold their big events on the same day/weekend.

I have an active interest in about half of the hobbies on that list, and by far the most interaction I get with other people is online rather than in real-life. On the flip side, those online relationships frequently translate into subsequent real-world meetings - more often than crossing paths with someone IRL leads to a long-term friendship of any kind.

My Mam is a 62 year old retiree in rural Galway. She volunteers with a variety of groups, sings in the local choir, goes to a pub quiz every week, goes set dancing regularly and comes up to Dublin once a month.

I’ll say it again: You’re looking for problems rather than solutions. You’re resistant to new ideas. You don’t want to accept that the problem might be your own attitude.

Cryptopagan · 05-06-2019 10:02AM

KikiLaRue wrote: »

My very rural hometown is a parish of about 800 people, with a town of maybe 5,000 people a 15 minute drive away.

In my hometown there are a bunch of pubs, a church choir, yoga and fitness classes (run in the local school hall), pub quizzes every week.

In the larger town there’s a gym and a pool, a football club, live music in some of the pubs every weekend, set dancing, a book club.

And 45 minutes away (a not-insurmountable distance) is Galway city, where there are festivals and fun all summer.

There’s always the opportunity to be social if you’re willing to put yourself out there.

Let’s take the example of two identical twins, Fred and George.

Fred goes for a few pints with his workmates on a Friday, plays 5-aside on a Sunday, hits the gym twice a week and takes classes instead of working out on his own, and at least every month or two he heads up to Dublin (or Cork or Galway) to catch up with old friends. Fred is on Tinder and sometimes he meets a girl off it, but more often he walks up to a woman he fancies in the pub and offers to buy her a drink. If he gets turned down, Fred doesn’t take it personally and he tells her to have a good night.

George has no real hobbies. After work he goes home and throws on a series on Netflix. Sometimes he buys a few cans at the offy but he doesn’t go out often and when he does, he will only interact with his own group. George scrolls through Tinder but there aren’t many women on it and when he does get a match, they never reply when he says hi. George is starting to resent these stuck up bitches.

Who do we think pulls more? Who do we think is more attractive (even though they are identical)?

I know people have the best intentions posting this kind of advice, but honestly if you didn’t pair off at college or with someone you met through work or friends, it becomes very difficult. Approaching randomers in a pub and offering to buy them drinks will only be awkward for everyone involved, around 99% of the time.

Yes having an active social life and looking after yourself will dramatically improve your chances versus sitting at home, but it won’t necessarily make them “good”

Deebles McBeebles · 05-06-2019 10:02AM

KikiLaRue wrote: »

My Mam is a 62 year old retiree in rural Galway. She volunteers with a variety of groups, sings in the local choir, goes to a pub quiz every week, goes set dancing regularly and comes up to Dublin once a month.

Do you reckon she would have any interest in meeting the OP?

KikiLaRue · 05-06-2019 10:04AM

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Do you reckon she would have any interest in meeting the OP?

She might tbh but I’m not sure how the auld lad would feel about it.

Plopsu · 05-06-2019 10:06AM

kunst nugget wrote: »

So, it's not George's fault. It's all the deluded women that are to blame...

Who said anything about fault? What fault?

KikiLaRue · 05-06-2019 10:06AM

Cryptopagan wrote: »

I know people have the best intentions posting this kind of advice, but honestly if you didn’t pair off at college or with someone you met through work or friends, it becomes very difficult. Approaching randomers in a pub and offering to buy them drinks will only be awkward for everyone involved, around 99% of the time.

Yes having an active social life and looking after yourself will dramatically improve your chances versus sitting at home, but it won’t necessarily make them “good”

I know lots of people who met there partners around 30. I’ve been single for ages but I don’t take this attitude at all.

And any time a fella has offered to buy me a drink or for my phone number on a night out, I’ve been flattered and delighted even if I wasn’t interested.

What’s awkward about it?

Plopsu · 05-06-2019 10:09AM

KikiLaRue wrote: »

George would have more luck if he focused on upping his own game.

Increase chances of finding a woman that he's currently compatible with by changing what he is? Maybe I wasn't clear.
There are as many Georginas as Georges. They are perfect for each other. And yet George is ignored by them just as much as he is by Frederica.

KikiLaRue · 05-06-2019 10:13AM

Plopsu wrote: »

Increase chances of finding a woman that he's currently compatible with by changing what he is? Maybe I wasn't clear.
There are as many Georginas as Georges. They are perfect for each other. And yet George is ignored by them just as much as he is by Frederica.

Yes, if you are a boring slobby kind of guy who’s having no luck with women you may have to change who you are... the world doesn’t owe you a partner (this applies to women too)

05-06-2019 10:16AM

KikiLaRue wrote: »

She might tbh but I’m not sure how the auld lad would feel about it.

im going to have to ask your aul fella to focus on bein part of the solution and not part of the problem here

Plopsu · 05-06-2019 10:19AM

KikiLaRue wrote: »

Yes, if you are a boring slobby kind of guy who’s having no luck with women you may have to change who you are... the world doesn’t owe you a partner (this applies to women too)

If you're not going to address what I said, why bother replying?

CelticRambler · 05-06-2019 10:20AM

KikiLaRue wrote: »

I’ll say it again: You’re looking for problems rather than solutions. You’re resistant to new ideas. You don’t want to accept that the problem might be your own attitude.

Huh? I'm describing facts, and those facts are a problem. It's nothing to do with my attitude*. There was a suggestion earlier to use Meetup, for example - try that here: zero meet-up groups within 75km; zero Couchsurfing events within 100km; zero AirBnB events within 100km; zero Internations events within 200km. If it ain't on, you can't go.

And being a retiree gives you more freedom too; the OP is 37, so has a while to wait yet before he can go gallivanting off around the country.

*(FWIW, my children's friends have told me I'm one of the coolest parents in the region because I'm always coming up with new ideas and innovative ways around their problems.)

Cryptopagan · 05-06-2019 10:21AM

KikiLaRue wrote: »

I know lots of people who met there partners around 30. I’ve been single for ages but I don’t take this attitude at all.

And any time a fella has offered to buy me a drink or for my phone number on a night out, I’ve been flattered and delighted even if I wasn’t interested.

What’s awkward about it?

Maybe I have it all wrong but I’d feel awkward going up to someone out of nowhere and signaling interest so explicitly.

Loads of people do meet their partners around 30 now, but I think that’s because we are doing everything a bit later in life now—whereas a generation ago people settled down to marriage, kids and mortgage around 24, now that often doesn’t happen until 30 (people are often still involved in education, occupied with travel, and starting new careers between 24 and 30.) I think a lot of working class still do settle down by their mid20s. So I think 30 is an age when many many people are still on the lookout, meeting like minded people through college, work and friends. But when you get nearer 40 is a different story.

And I really do think the apps are changing things. When you have an abundance of choice, you never choose. Attraction can grow between people when brought together through a class or through friends or whatever, but if you’re deciding the first time you meet someone not to meet them again because you’ve got 30 other prospective dates in your back pocket...

05-06-2019 10:23AM

should note that any advice to a fella in the OPs position that he should approach women out of the blue is probably misreading the room

there is a very small subset of lads who can do this with the required first-glance looks or style to make it welcome, or who have failing that the requisite charm or confidence to prevent it turning awkward.

im no longer in the game but just walking up to a stranger and starting a conversation is, for me as a fella with a face like a bike crash, always going to be a step id feel unwelcome taking.

add in the explicit context that we're aiming to transmit attraction and set that tone, its a bigger ask than a lot of women seem to realise i think

add in the changing dynamics in the age of #metoo, which an awkward type of fella is always going to be more susceptible to pondering (whether the interaction ever approaches a situation that could come under the bracket or not) and i just think the "go up and talk to her, buy her a drink" advice is fairly naive

and to be clear, and you can probably tell, im well fit to chat to ppl

Deebles McBeebles · 05-06-2019 10:24AM

Cryptopagan wrote: »

But when you get nearer 40 is a different story.

Oh god, say it ain't so!

05-06-2019 10:27AM

Plopsu wrote: »

If you're not going to address what I said, why bother replying?

you posited that george might not be interesting to all the georginas

should george be interested in all the georginas?

if not, why not?

cgcsb · 05-06-2019 10:28AM

Another symptom of poor planning, and far too many people living in one off houses in rural areas.
Solution, move to a decent sized town, where there are other humans. Living in the wildes with the badgers does you no good.

completedit · 05-06-2019 10:33AM

Girl I know would message me out of blue randomly, send me songs at 2am, remember the most random **** I ever brought up, we really talked about everything...one night she asked me to feel her stomach to “feel her abs”.........she had no interest in me. That’s when I opted out of dating game. It’s all looks. You are a victim to your genetics. Women will never find me attractive coz of narrow shoulders. It’s the only thing I can blame it on

ArchXStanton · 05-06-2019 10:33AM

KikiLaRue wrote: »

We’ve got a whole generation of financially independent women here, who know that anyone who values them purely on their looks isn’t worth it.

And yet they themselves but so much emphasis on it.... Fake nails, fake hair, heels, push up bras

OMM 0000 · 05-06-2019 10:35AM

Cryptopagan wrote: »

if you didn’t pair off at college or with someone you met through work or friends, it becomes very difficult.

I spent my 20s and 30s in a few long term relationships. In between those relationships I had tons of flings and one night stands.

I'm in my 40s. I met my wife 4 years ago. I purposefully waited until I was ready to settle down.

Your chances of meeting someone do not change at all during your 20s and 30s. There are absolutely tons (hundreds of millions) of single women/men out there who are around your age range and available.

You just have to make an effort.

If you're choosing to live in the middle of nowhere, neglect your appearance, neglect your social skills... obviously you're going to have problems meeting people.

Figure out what your priorities are. If playing video games and **** to anime are more important to you than socialising, that's fine, but don't be surprised you're single.

KikiLaRue · 05-06-2019 10:36AM

Plopsu wrote: »

If you're not going to address what I said, why bother replying?

I did.

Plopsu · 05-06-2019 10:36AM

Deleted User wrote: »

you posited that george might not be interesting to all the georginas

should george be interested in all the georginas?

if not, why not?

Actually, I posited that people who are alike a likely to be suited to each other but in internet dating, George will likely be ignored by Georgina.
Should they all be interested in him? No, for many reasons and the same the other way around but that really doesn't have anything to do with what I said (unless you're trying to set up a strawman argument).

Plopsu · 05-06-2019 10:37AM

KikiLaRue wrote: »

I did.

Y'really didn't.

KikiLaRue · 05-06-2019 10:39AM

CelticRambler wrote: »

Huh? I'm describing facts, and those facts are a problem. It's nothing to do with my attitude*. There was a suggestion earlier to use Meetup, for example - try that here: zero meet-up groups within 75km; zero Couchsurfing events within 100km; zero AirBnB events within 100km; zero Internations events within 200km. If it ain't on, you can't go.

And being a retiree gives you more freedom too; the OP is 37, so has a while to wait yet before he can go gallivanting off around the country.

*(FWIW, my children's friends have told me I'm one of the coolest parents in the region because I'm always coming up with new ideas and innovative ways around their problems.)

Ummm yeah because events down the country are more likely to be advertised in the local paper, the notice boards in SuperValu etc than on AirBnB... you’re looking in the wrong places.

It’s just making excuses to sit at home and feel sorry for yourself instead of taking action imho.

How is a man supposed to find a woman in the 21st century

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