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How is a man supposed to find a woman in the 21st century

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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,283 ✭✭✭KikiLaRue


    Plopsu wrote: »
    I'd imagine George is mostly bewildered that all the Georginas seem to think they're going to end up with Fred.

    George would have more luck if he focused on upping his own game.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,950 ✭✭✭B0jangles


    I think there's maybe a misunderstanding about the common advice to just 'Be Yourself' - I understand that to mean, don't try to pretend to be someone you aren't just to attract a man/woman because that's completely unsustainable in the long run.

    I think maybe some people take the phrase 'be yourself' to mean that you shouldn't be expected to change anything at all about how you present yourself or change anything about your habits or social activities; that you should be able to meet the person of your dreams by just sitting there and pretty much waiting for them to arrive - and of course, that pretty much only happens in fairytales. (and even in fairytales, it only happens to beautiful princesses/handsome princes*)


    *and there tends to be a kingdom up for grabs to go with said Prince/Princess, so unless you've a hell of a lot of road frontage, you're probably still out of luck.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,548 ✭✭✭blackwhite


    KikiLaRue wrote: »
    I have a friend who swears all ginger men have big willies.

    She probably was just blinded by the glare from the ginger pubes


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,375 ✭✭✭✭kunst nugget


    Plopsu wrote: »
    I'd imagine George is mostly bewildered that all the Georginas seem to think they're going to end up with Fred.

    So, it's not George's fault. It's all the deluded women that are to blame...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,912 ✭✭✭ArchXStanton


    Plopsu wrote: »
    I'd imagine George is mostly bewildered that all the Georginas seem to think they're going to end up with Fred.

    We've got 5's and 6's running around out here thinking they're 9's and 10's


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,283 ✭✭✭KikiLaRue


    We've got 5's and 6's running around out here thinking they're 9's and 10's

    We’ve got a whole generation of financially independent women here, who know that anyone who values them purely on their looks isn’t worth it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,300 ✭✭✭CelticRambler


    KikiLaRue wrote: »
    Why is it either or? Why can’t you go dancing tonight with your stable group of friends (any of whom might have an attractive friend visiting) and also take up a new hobby and meet new people?

    Because (as has been pointed out here and elsewhere) there aren't necessarily any other hobbies/groups available within a reasonable distance when you live in a rural environment. And even then, take out sports and drinking and what you're left with are an awful lot of hobbies that are perfectly "normal" but not very "sociable" - art, photography, woodturning, beekeeping, creative writing, visiting historical monuments, antiques, vintage cars ... etc, etc. You could have 52 different hobbies and still struggle to find one event a week to go to, especially when a lot of these choose to hold their big events on the same day/weekend.

    I have an active interest in about half of the hobbies on that list, and by far the most interaction I get with other people is online rather than in real-life. On the flip side, those online relationships frequently translate into subsequent real-world meetings - more often than crossing paths with someone IRL leads to a long-term friendship of any kind.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,283 ✭✭✭KikiLaRue


    Because (as has been pointed out here and elsewhere) there aren't necessarily any other hobbies/groups available within a reasonable distance when you live in a rural environment. And even then, take out sports and drinking and what you're left with are an awful lot of hobbies that are perfectly "normal" but not very "sociable" - art, photography, woodturning, beekeeping, creative writing, visiting historical monuments, antiques, vintage cars ... etc, etc. You could have 52 different hobbies and still struggle to find one event a week to go to, especially when a lot of these choose to hold their big events on the same day/weekend.

    I have an active interest in about half of the hobbies on that list, and by far the most interaction I get with other people is online rather than in real-life. On the flip side, those online relationships frequently translate into subsequent real-world meetings - more often than crossing paths with someone IRL leads to a long-term friendship of any kind.

    My Mam is a 62 year old retiree in rural Galway. She volunteers with a variety of groups, sings in the local choir, goes to a pub quiz every week, goes set dancing regularly and comes up to Dublin once a month.

    I’ll say it again: You’re looking for problems rather than solutions. You’re resistant to new ideas. You don’t want to accept that the problem might be your own attitude.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 419 ✭✭Cryptopagan


    KikiLaRue wrote: »
    My very rural hometown is a parish of about 800 people, with a town of maybe 5,000 people a 15 minute drive away.

    In my hometown there are a bunch of pubs, a church choir, yoga and fitness classes (run in the local school hall), pub quizzes every week.

    In the larger town there’s a gym and a pool, a football club, live music in some of the pubs every weekend, set dancing, a book club.

    And 45 minutes away (a not-insurmountable distance) is Galway city, where there are festivals and fun all summer.

    There’s always the opportunity to be social if you’re willing to put yourself out there.

    Let’s take the example of two identical twins, Fred and George.

    Fred goes for a few pints with his workmates on a Friday, plays 5-aside on a Sunday, hits the gym twice a week and takes classes instead of working out on his own, and at least every month or two he heads up to Dublin (or Cork or Galway) to catch up with old friends. Fred is on Tinder and sometimes he meets a girl off it, but more often he walks up to a woman he fancies in the pub and offers to buy her a drink. If he gets turned down, Fred doesn’t take it personally and he tells her to have a good night.

    George has no real hobbies. After work he goes home and throws on a series on Netflix. Sometimes he buys a few cans at the offy but he doesn’t go out often and when he does, he will only interact with his own group. George scrolls through Tinder but there aren’t many women on it and when he does get a match, they never reply when he says hi. George is starting to resent these stuck up bitches.

    Who do we think pulls more? Who do we think is more attractive (even though they are identical)?

    I know people have the best intentions posting this kind of advice, but honestly if you didn’t pair off at college or with someone you met through work or friends, it becomes very difficult. Approaching randomers in a pub and offering to buy them drinks will only be awkward for everyone involved, around 99% of the time.

    Yes having an active social life and looking after yourself will dramatically improve your chances versus sitting at home, but it won’t necessarily make them “good”


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,967 ✭✭✭Deebles McBeebles


    KikiLaRue wrote: »
    My Mam is a 62 year old retiree in rural Galway. She volunteers with a variety of groups, sings in the local choir, goes to a pub quiz every week, goes set dancing regularly and comes up to Dublin once a month.

    Do you reckon she would have any interest in meeting the OP? ;)


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,283 ✭✭✭KikiLaRue


    Do you reckon she would have any interest in meeting the OP? ;)

    She might tbh but I’m not sure how the auld lad would feel about it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 671 ✭✭✭Plopsu


    So, it's not George's fault. It's all the deluded women that are to blame...

    Who said anything about fault? What fault?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,283 ✭✭✭KikiLaRue


    I know people have the best intentions posting this kind of advice, but honestly if you didn’t pair off at college or with someone you met through work or friends, it becomes very difficult. Approaching randomers in a pub and offering to buy them drinks will only be awkward for everyone involved, around 99% of the time.

    Yes having an active social life and looking after yourself will dramatically improve your chances versus sitting at home, but it won’t necessarily make them “good”

    I know lots of people who met there partners around 30. I’ve been single for ages but I don’t take this attitude at all.

    And any time a fella has offered to buy me a drink or for my phone number on a night out, I’ve been flattered and delighted even if I wasn’t interested.

    What’s awkward about it?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 671 ✭✭✭Plopsu


    KikiLaRue wrote: »
    George would have more luck if he focused on upping his own game.

    Increase chances of finding a woman that he's currently compatible with by changing what he is? Maybe I wasn't clear.
    There are as many Georginas as Georges. They are perfect for each other. And yet George is ignored by them just as much as he is by Frederica.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,283 ✭✭✭KikiLaRue


    Plopsu wrote: »
    Increase chances of finding a woman that he's currently compatible with by changing what he is? Maybe I wasn't clear.
    There are as many Georginas as Georges. They are perfect for each other. And yet George is ignored by them just as much as he is by Frederica.

    Yes, if you are a boring slobby kind of guy who’s having no luck with women you may have to change who you are... the world doesn’t owe you a partner (this applies to women too)


  • Posts: 11,195 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    KikiLaRue wrote: »
    She might tbh but I’m not sure how the auld lad would feel about it.

    im going to have to ask your aul fella to focus on bein part of the solution and not part of the problem here


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 671 ✭✭✭Plopsu


    KikiLaRue wrote: »
    Yes, if you are a boring slobby kind of guy who’s having no luck with women you may have to change who you are... the world doesn’t owe you a partner (this applies to women too)

    If you're not going to address what I said, why bother replying?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,300 ✭✭✭CelticRambler


    KikiLaRue wrote: »
    I’ll say it again: You’re looking for problems rather than solutions. You’re resistant to new ideas. You don’t want to accept that the problem might be your own attitude.

    :confused: Huh? I'm describing facts, and those facts are a problem. It's nothing to do with my attitude*. There was a suggestion earlier to use Meetup, for example - try that here: zero meet-up groups within 75km; zero Couchsurfing events within 100km; zero AirBnB events within 100km; zero Internations events within 200km. If it ain't on, you can't go.

    And being a retiree gives you more freedom too; the OP is 37, so has a while to wait yet before he can go gallivanting off around the country.

    *(FWIW, my children's friends have told me I'm one of the coolest parents in the region because I'm always coming up with new ideas and innovative ways around their problems.)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 419 ✭✭Cryptopagan


    KikiLaRue wrote: »
    I know lots of people who met there partners around 30. I’ve been single for ages but I don’t take this attitude at all.

    And any time a fella has offered to buy me a drink or for my phone number on a night out, I’ve been flattered and delighted even if I wasn’t interested.

    What’s awkward about it?

    Maybe I have it all wrong but I’d feel awkward going up to someone out of nowhere and signaling interest so explicitly.

    Loads of people do meet their partners around 30 now, but I think that’s because we are doing everything a bit later in life now—whereas a generation ago people settled down to marriage, kids and mortgage around 24, now that often doesn’t happen until 30 (people are often still involved in education, occupied with travel, and starting new careers between 24 and 30.) I think a lot of working class still do settle down by their mid20s. So I think 30 is an age when many many people are still on the lookout, meeting like minded people through college, work and friends. But when you get nearer 40 is a different story.

    And I really do think the apps are changing things. When you have an abundance of choice, you never choose. Attraction can grow between people when brought together through a class or through friends or whatever, but if you’re deciding the first time you meet someone not to meet them again because you’ve got 30 other prospective dates in your back pocket...


  • Posts: 11,195 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    should note that any advice to a fella in the OPs position that he should approach women out of the blue is probably misreading the room

    there is a very small subset of lads who can do this with the required first-glance looks or style to make it welcome, or who have failing that the requisite charm or confidence to prevent it turning awkward.

    im no longer in the game but just walking up to a stranger and starting a conversation is, for me as a fella with a face like a bike crash, always going to be a step id feel unwelcome taking.

    add in the explicit context that we're aiming to transmit attraction and set that tone, its a bigger ask than a lot of women seem to realise i think

    add in the changing dynamics in the age of #metoo, which an awkward type of fella is always going to be more susceptible to pondering (whether the interaction ever approaches a situation that could come under the bracket or not) and i just think the "go up and talk to her, buy her a drink" advice is fairly naive

    and to be clear, and you can probably tell, im well fit to chat to ppl


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,967 ✭✭✭Deebles McBeebles


    But when you get nearer 40 is a different story.

    Oh god, say it ain't so!


  • Posts: 11,195 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Plopsu wrote: »
    If you're not going to address what I said, why bother replying?

    you posited that george might not be interesting to all the georginas

    should george be interested in all the georginas?

    if not, why not?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,113 ✭✭✭✭cgcsb


    Another symptom of poor planning, and far too many people living in one off houses in rural areas.
    Solution, move to a decent sized town, where there are other humans. Living in the wildes with the badgers does you no good.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭completedit


    Girl I know would message me out of blue randomly, send me songs at 2am, remember the most random **** I ever brought up, we really talked about everything...one night she asked me to feel her stomach to “feel her abs”.........she had no interest in me. That’s when I opted out of dating game. It’s all looks. You are a victim to your genetics. Women will never find me attractive coz of narrow shoulders. It’s the only thing I can blame it on


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,912 ✭✭✭ArchXStanton


    KikiLaRue wrote: »
    We’ve got a whole generation of financially independent women here, who know that anyone who values them purely on their looks isn’t worth it.

    And yet they themselves but so much emphasis on it.... Fake nails, fake hair, heels, push up bras


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,733 ✭✭✭OMM 0000


    if you didn’t pair off at college or with someone you met through work or friends, it becomes very difficult.

    I spent my 20s and 30s in a few long term relationships. In between those relationships I had tons of flings and one night stands.

    I'm in my 40s. I met my wife 4 years ago. I purposefully waited until I was ready to settle down.

    Your chances of meeting someone do not change at all during your 20s and 30s. There are absolutely tons (hundreds of millions) of single women/men out there who are around your age range and available.

    You just have to make an effort.

    If you're choosing to live in the middle of nowhere, neglect your appearance, neglect your social skills... obviously you're going to have problems meeting people.

    Figure out what your priorities are. If playing video games and **** to anime are more important to you than socialising, that's fine, but don't be surprised you're single.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,283 ✭✭✭KikiLaRue


    Plopsu wrote: »
    If you're not going to address what I said, why bother replying?

    I did.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 671 ✭✭✭Plopsu


    you posited that george might not be interesting to all the georginas

    should george be interested in all the georginas?

    if not, why not?

    Actually, I posited that people who are alike a likely to be suited to each other but in internet dating, George will likely be ignored by Georgina.
    Should they all be interested in him? No, for many reasons and the same the other way around but that really doesn't have anything to do with what I said (unless you're trying to set up a strawman argument).


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 671 ✭✭✭Plopsu


    KikiLaRue wrote: »
    I did.

    Y'really didn't.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,283 ✭✭✭KikiLaRue


    :confused: Huh? I'm describing facts, and those facts are a problem. It's nothing to do with my attitude*. There was a suggestion earlier to use Meetup, for example - try that here: zero meet-up groups within 75km; zero Couchsurfing events within 100km; zero AirBnB events within 100km; zero Internations events within 200km. If it ain't on, you can't go.

    And being a retiree gives you more freedom too; the OP is 37, so has a while to wait yet before he can go gallivanting off around the country.

    *(FWIW, my children's friends have told me I'm one of the coolest parents in the region because I'm always coming up with new ideas and innovative ways around their problems.)

    Ummm yeah because events down the country are more likely to be advertised in the local paper, the notice boards in SuperValu etc than on AirBnB... you’re looking in the wrong places.

    It’s just making excuses to sit at home and feel sorry for yourself instead of taking action imho.


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