I need some good advice please

Ursus Horribilis · 03-05-2019 05:20PM

Was she always a bit needy and insecure? I'm wondering if those awful bereavements you've had meant that your attention was suddenly turned elsewhere.

Hugo1000 · 03-05-2019 05:24PM

Whoever you are your a genius, you got it in one always so needy and insecure

qwerty13 · 03-05-2019 05:40PM

Ok so this was far from a ‘you raised your voice due to grief and she walked out of the house’. Which is how you initially presented it.

Seems like she doesn’t trust you, she gives you a hard time, you both have a bad fight, you shout at her, she moved out. I’m not saying anything who was right or wrong. But there seems to be an awful lot more going on than ‘I raised my voice once and she walked away’.

So why do you fight. Do you only fight about trust issues? Did this fighting happen before you (presuming both of you) planned this baby? Do have a history of untrustworthy behaviour, even if it is a bit in the past? Does she have a history of anger? Had you been grieving to the exclusion of anything practical about your baby, who is due in approx 3 months?

It does not appear strange to me. It appears to me that she’s being sensible about it. Both of you seem highly pissed off with each other (whether rightly or wrongly, I don’t know). But she’s right not to move back in until you both resolve the fighting. Sure otherwise what’s to say it won’t happen again next week / month?

PS: even if only for your own sake, never say this to try advance your argument “as I've met men who treat women worse and they are married“. It sounds awful and incredibly immature and stuck in the 1950s

khaldrogo · 03-05-2019 06:46PM

Xterminator wrote:

you say this in a way that sounds liek you think she did something wrong. and no recognition that you were wrong. So let me be clear .. you raised your voice and said hurtful things to a girl that's pregnant with your baby. she left to protect herself and the baby.

You have absolutely no way of knowing if anything hurtful was said or why she left.

You don't know why he raised his voice and/or whether she raised her voice or maybe she said some hurtful things to him first.

This is the world we live in nowadays.....female right, man wrong!!!

#metoo

khaldrogo · 04-05-2019 12:19AM

<SNIP>

Removed, as this was not at the standard required here in PI/RI. Please read the forum charter before posting here again. Generalisations are not welcome here. Stick to offering specific and constructive advice.

dudara

leggo · 04-05-2019 08:07AM

Hugo1000 wrote: »

Whoever you are your a genius, you got it in one always so needy and insecure

OP, to be fair, you need to consider that you're also being needy and insecure here by insisting you go back to being engaged and everything go back to normal immediately like nothing ever happened...when it did. You literally need her to give you security, it's the definition of those two words. While that is understandable given that she walked out, I think it's healthy if you realise there's two of you in this and accepting that could calm things down considerably.

Like I said in my earlier post, you can't expect her to take responsibility for her feelings while not taking responsibility for your own. You'll get a lot further doing so.

jlm29 · 04-05-2019 11:11AM

Charles Ingles wrote: »

Jesus wept.
The girlfriend is pregnant give her a break.
Op she has s going to be your wife and mother of your child give her the love and respect she deserves

She’s pregnant, that’s not a free pass to rid herself of all empathy or compassion. If she’s so emotionally unstable that someone wanting to stay by their parents grave sends her into a rage, she has issues. Equally, if her partner raising their voice to her leads to her moving out of the family home, she doesn’t sound very mature.
I say this as someone who is more pregnant than the lady in question.
OP, I know you say the neediness and insecurity predates the pregnancy, but would it always have been at this level? Fair enough, pregnancy can result in extra emotions and doesn’t suit everyone, but it’s not a free pass either.

Ursus Horribilis · 04-05-2019 01:13PM

Having a baby can be very tough for a couple. Seeing as you've got problems - possibly dating from before your current issues - you could try couples counselling. You're tied to this woman forever because of your child so you're going to have to find a way to co-parent. Whether it's together or separate.

Big Bag of Chips · 04-05-2019 03:04PM

Couples argue. It happens. But none of us know did you go too far. Did you simply "raise your voice" or did you "shout, aggressively at her". There is a difference. So it is impossible to say if she over reacted by leaving, or dyd she do the right thing by removing herself from a volatile situation.

Only you two know.

I would however agree with relationship counselling. Communication between you two is obviously an issue. And with a baby on the way it is something that definitely needs to be worked on.

LegacyUser · 05-05-2019 01:59AM

So she thinks you are cheating on her? That is very different than just walking out because you raised your voice.

If she doesn't trust you then there really is not going to be a relationship.

Did you frighten her when you raised your voice? Men can be scary and intimidating sometimes when angry. I'm sure women can too!! but I remember a few times with my ex feeling terrified when he lost his temper. Two people can share the same experience but have different emotional reactions to it. In my case I was genuinely terrified because I didn't know if he was going to attack me, in his mind he was never going to hurt me so that wasn't an issue.

If what you are saying is true then I hope you can work it out, it's just you drip fed about the cheating accusations which reminded me of a meme I saw recently about how men love to leave the context out when you are mad at them....ie. A man goes for a KFC with his ex and then says to his girlfriend "so you're really mad at me for eating chicken?"

If you explain what the general problems are in the relationship you may get better advice, how often does she accuse you of cheating? What did she say about the argument or before she walked out? What's her version of events?

You are absolutely correct though that it's good for men to be able to voice their emotions and they should completely be allowed to.

Sorry to hear about your parents, and she was completely in the wrong about not wanting you to stay longer at their graves.

redfox123 · 06-05-2019 09:24AM

Wow if I had a penny for every time me and the OH 'raised our voises' to each other, even when I was pregnant..actually especially when I was pregnant unfortunately as the pressure on the relationship grew, then I would be rich. It's not ideal no but that's what happens in relationships, and we worked to improve the communication and agreed it's not healthy for us or baby. But we had to do the work and look for resolutions by talking, we certainly didn't want to end things especially with a baby on the way. Your girlfriend needs to work on things with you, you need to apologise for shouting and both need to communicate. Ask her for a certain time and date to have a talk about things, with no blame and listen to each other calmly.

Pac1Man · 06-05-2019 09:59AM

I really feel like there should be some screening process when offering advice in this forum. Another example of some absolutely awful advice driven by personal agendas.

The below sounds bang on though OP. At least a factor as to why she left.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Was she always a bit needy and insecure? I'm wondering if those awful bereavements you've had meant that your attention was suddenly turned elsewhere.

Ursus Horribilis · 06-05-2019 12:39PM

OP, if you can afford it I think you could do with going to talk to a counsellor alone. Something tells me that there is a lot more going on here than you're willing to open up to here.

mr_cochise · 06-05-2019 05:10PM

Xterminator wrote:

you justify your behavior by saying as I've met men who treat women worse and they are married? thats like a burglar saying at least i didn't rape my victims too!!! No, you are wrong my friend. by driving her from the house with your behavior you have damaged the relationship. you need to earn her trust back.

Xterminator wrote:

you say this in a way that sounds liek you think she did something wrong. and no recognition that you were wrong. So let me be clear .. you raised your voice and said hurtful things to a girl that's pregnant with your baby. she left to protect herself and the baby.

Xterminator wrote:

you = bad guy she = did absolutely the right thing.

Xterminator wrote:

hope that's clear enough.

Xterminator wrote:

you justify your behavior by saying as I've met men who treat women worse and they are married? thats like a burglar saying at least i didn't rape my victims too!!! No, you are wrong my friend. by driving her from the house with your behavior you have damaged the relationship. you need to earn her trust back.

What a poisonous response. You made some leaps based on the info give by the OP.
It is perfectly normal for people to raise their voices during an argument.

Ursus Horribilis · 06-05-2019 05:47PM

We went to my parents grave in Kilkenny and I'm in Dublin. I wanted to sit by their graveside and spend time for awhile and she texted me to meet her at the hotel and that she was not waiting in the car. I walked back and said could I not spend a little longer with them? She went mental I mean red face and angry and started speeding down the road. And to make the record straight it's a country road so for me to walk to the hotel would take 20 mins on a bad road. She loses it so quickly.

Does nobody think that this is absolutely horrific? There is absolutely no excuse for anybody to behave in such a spiteful manner, hormones or no hormones.

OP, when you say "She loses it so quickly", do you mean since she became pregnant or all the time? Has she always had a temper? Have you got a track record of always letting her have her own way?

lulu1 · 07-05-2019 12:49AM

Charles Ingles wrote: »

Jesus wept.
The girlfriend is pregnant give her a break.
Op she has s going to be your wife and mother of your child give her the love and respect she deserves

The girlfriend is pregnant she's not dying

I need some good advice please

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