Confused if this is abuse or can it be fixed.

valoren · 26-04-2019 10:31AM

OP be thankful that she has displayed these negative and toxic traits very early in your ordeal. I was going to say your relationship but this is anything but. She clearly has a personality disorder and what she appears to be doing with you is called trauma bonding i.e. you mention she always has drama, problems and trouble. She plays victim as you become her emotional punching bag.

You are in a cycle of abuse and you have deftly identified it as such. The negative traits others have mentioned (i.e. obsessiveness, control, verbal abuse etc) can typically manifest over the course of years and you might have ultimately found yourself stuck in an abusive marriage with this person and with children before you realized the extent of the abuse you endured. She's a wolf in wolf's clothing. Look at the positive in that. You know now she is unhinged. Luckily for her you've been incredibly passive so far and thankfully you have the choice to dump her with zero baggage. As mentioned she is unhinged, emotionally unstable and be prepared for unhinged behavior and reactions when you go about ending this toxic relationship. Protect your reputation first and foremost, as advised get witnesses for everything you do. She may well make serious allegations against you to destroy you as punishment. This is not simply a case of a relationship not working out and two rational people deciding to sadly but understandably call it a day. This is bordering on "Fatal Attraction" level psychosis from what you've described. Crucially, you're not breaking up with this person, you are escaping from them.

Do not tell anyone who is on speaking terms with her that you are ending it. Invite a witness (or better yet, witnesses; those friends who can't abide her) over ostensibly for a drink/meet up and within that group tell her that you no longer wish to have a relationship with her. Offer no reason, no excuse. Just say something along the lines of "This...(the relationship) is not working for me anymore". You then need to go grey rock method on her. Offer no discussion, no argument, no reaction, no loss of temper, no reflection, no looking back etc. Give no reasons why, they'll just fall on deaf ears. She is less likely to explode with witnesses. Refuse to engage with anything she says, any emotional pleading. Tell her to pack up her things, might be an idea to have most if it ready to go if possible. Take her keys and tell her she has 30 minutes to pack up and if she's not out of the property within that time you will contact the Guards. I'm not sure of the rental situation but considering she moved herself in, I presume she is abusing her accommodation as well i.e. not formally renting. Sounds extreme but from what you've described it is warranted. Have a change the locks ready for the next day and explicitly ignore this person thereafter.

Don't dwell on the notion that this person can or might improve. Invariably, they never do, they simply get worse and considering she is only 20, should you choose to remain she will become more adept at controlling and manipulating you. If she loved you, respected you or had any emotional connection with you she would not be acting in this way. You came into the orbit of a toxic person and it's going to take a bit of effort and persistence from you to escape. Look at this as a learning lesson going forward when you look to get into another relationship. Another positive is that this person has shown you precisely what not to expect in a healthy, mutually loving relationship and this will some day be a distant memory.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b · 26-04-2019 11:38AM

OP, I agree with what others have said. This is at the level where you need to change the locks, change your phone number, and remove her from your life.

When you do that, you can probably expect some crazy antics from her, so it might help if you can stay with family or friends for a few weeks.

I'm not blaming you, but to some extent you have enabled this situation by not asserting yourself. Every time you gave in to her (such as letting her move in after 6 months, against your better judgement), she gained more power over you. It has now reached the point where everything is about her, and she uses anger and manipulation to control you.

Treat this as a learning experience and move on. You know now the warning signals of a controlling or abusive partner. In my experience, there is no point in trying to change such people. When you recognize the warning signs on the AMEN checklist above, get out.

LegacyUser · 27-04-2019 03:20PM

OP, I am posting this from the perspective of my late 30s and having wasted years of my life with someone who sounds almost identical to your girlfriend and having ended up breifly married and divorced.

My advice would be just get out and get out NOW. Don't even be that polite about it. Just walk away. There'll be tantrums and manipulation, but just ignore and keep walking and don't look back.

It's very easy to lose all perspective and think that it's all your fault that the relationship isn't working, particularly when you're dealing with someone throwing tantrums if they don't get their way and blaming you for everything.

In my case she is, at least on the surface of it, a stunningly good looking woman and very intellectual and high achieving in that area, but she's an absolute control freak and incredibly manipulative. I was isolated from family and friends, mentally abused and ended up even losing friends and falling away from sports, hobbies and even aspects of my career as I was having to wait hand and foot on endless irrational whims.

It got so bad that she would actually blame me for things that happened in her dreams because in her mind 'my behaviour' was clearly inspiring her mind to dream in a particular way, so I should apologise.

What were initially tantrums also escalated to things like screaming at the top of her lungs and stamping her feet in the car, throwing plates at the wall and yelling at me in public.

There's very little point in me going line by line through all the stuff that happened, it would read like the list provided for AMEN but, all I would say is it's very easy to lose all perspective and think you should fix these things because you're basically a nice person who understands relationships from a loving partnership perspective and you're trying to make the relationship work.

This is exactly how abusive personalities, be they male or female, manipulate someone into staying in a relationship. They fundamentally don't understand what a relationship is and seem to see it as owning someone rather than being their partner.

There are all sorts of psychological reasons for this and they're far to complicated to even get into on a thread like this, but all I would say is that as someone's boyfriend or husband, you're not there to be a punch bag (physical or emotional), a plaything or to fulfil the role of an unpaid 24/7 psychologist or councillor either.

It's not worth spending the rest of your days walking on eggshells for someone. There are loads of much nicer people out there and I'm sure you'll find someone who you actually get on with and enjoy being with.

So, just get the hell out of it before you end up convincing yourself that all is fixable and walk up the aisle or end up having kids.

Confused if this is abuse or can it be fixed.

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