Confused if this is abuse or can it be fixed.

LegacyUser · 24-04-2019 09:53PM #1

So Im a guy, in my 20's with a girl who is just turned 20 , we're together about a year. At the start I just thought she was really enthusiastic about seeing me , but as time goes on its gotten far too much for me.

She moved herself into my house without discussing it after 6 months, claimed her mother had kicked her out , but they have a pretty decent relationship. I thought it was far too soon, still did , but every time its brought up she just wears me down on it.

Every time im away anywhere (work trip/ weekend with the lads etc...) she always has some sort of drama / complaint / argument that requires her to be on the phone to me for 40 mins to an hour a day. Its mostly just her talking about being lonely and me leaving her all alone and getting angry at me about it.

Even when it just comes down to wanting to spend an evening / trip alone with the lads she goes mad about it, so much so that you have to tell her last minute, which makes her get even more mad.

If somebody random who I know turns up in the pub/restaurant/gig on our nights out she gets mad at me and claims I organised it to ruin our date night. I work a lot and so I only have 4 days a week where I finish before 2am and she has booked 2 of them solidly every week to herself, even the 50% of my free time that isn't 'hers' she wants to be included in everything going on, and will go mad if I go and do anything alone.

She just wants constant affection, constant hugging and hand holding and even sitting with her shoved into me, aside from going to the bathroom I would say I spend about 90% of all of my free time physically in contact with her, Any attempt to say this is too much or I need space always devolves into the same argument about how Im not giving her the things she needs like constant affection and attention.

Shes on her phone constantly, yet taking out my phone always has her looking over my shoulder, asking whats going on or telling me to put the phone down and pay attention to her / the show we're watching. Even when im at work she constantly texts me and if I havent replied in say an an hour she'll send me another text and a facebook message and a snapchat saying 'well ? ' or 'chat with me' Its gotten annoying as she only ever wants to talk about herself and what she does, will steer every conversation back to that, when I come home sometimes I literally have nothing to talk about as im so drained from listening to everything from her all day, so im a bit quiet. That too results in an argument about me not talking to her.

She constantly shouts at me over minor reasons and has a massive temper , if I say anything and theres a wrong or insulting way to take it, she'll take it that way and go mad at me about it. Its constantly walking on egg shells, she shouts infront of crowds of people in town , makes scenes all the time, if I dare argue back and tell her that maybe its in her head or shes over reacting then she just accuses me of calling her a sh*tty person and starts crying. Has even told me many times in the past that if I just agreed with her then the argument would end. Every evening she starts an argument she claims thats an evening ive ruined and trys to use that to leverage me not seeing my friends that week. I still put up that fight but will is fading.

My friends all despise her, some refuse to be in the same building as her and people have even left pubs or cancelled whole nights out when they hear she's coming.
Shes attending a therapist for the last few weeks. It doesnt seem to be helping at all.
Ive tried dumping her in the past but she has this arguing style where she just keeps going and keeps shouting at you till you either cant bear it anymore and give in or waits till youre sleepy and keeps going till you just agree to stay to go to sleep.

She does do a lot of nice things like make me food or get things from the shops etc... and can treat me nice , but it seems like these negative parts are growing.

B0jangles · 25-04-2019 06:37AM

Run.

I'm sorry to sound flippant but this is off-the-charts levels of pretty much every negative trait - neediness, agressiveness, inability to accept disagreement,total self-absorption.

So either she really is this awful = you need to break up
or
she's kind of annoying but you can't really stand her anymore and so her negative traits seem huge to you = you need to break up

edit: you say none of your friends can stand her so it's not option 2. She's awful. You need to get your thoughts in order, remember what it is you want to do and hold firm when she tries to wear you down and talk you out of breaking up. It'll be hard but you know it'll be worth it.

cannotlogin · 25-04-2019 06:40AM

Needy, insecure, obsessive, controlling, demanding, abusive, entitled, smoothering, unstable, manipulative......I could continue.

I'm not sure what's in this relationship for you other than abuse and negativity.

Most friends really want to like their friend's partner, the fact yours can't stand her is telling.

You can go to the shops yourself and you won't starve......run and don't look back.

Stephen Gawking · 25-04-2019 07:13AM

cannotlogin wrote: »

Needy, insecure, obsessive, controlling, demanding, abusive, entitled, smoothering, unstable, manipulative......I could continue.

I'm not sure what's in this relationship for you other than abuse and negativity.

Most friends really want to like their friend's partner, the fact yours can't stand her is telling.

You can go to the shops yourself and you won't starve......run and don't look back.

OP, you need to take action before something bad happens. Start keeping a log of events etc. If she starts ranting in frint of witnesses maybe have it prearranged that one of them can record (covertly) what happens. Its all too easy for her to turn the tables when you're alone & make false accusations against you. You need to get rid of her. This woman is toxic.

Censored11 · 25-04-2019 07:14AM

Wow how do you put up with all that. She sounds totally horrible. It is abuse. HOW could it be fixed, where would you even start.

Honestly, if I we're you, I'd sit her down at the kitchen table, look her straight in the eyes and say: Pack your bags and get the F☆CK OUT !!

Don't take anymore of this crap. Have some self respect man.

Big Bag of Chips · 25-04-2019 07:19AM

You ask can it be fixed? "It" is "her". She's the problem. The only way this will be fixed is if she changes. Completely.

Can you see any way that that would happen?

Unfortunately you have allowed her to continue to behave like a spoilt child by always giving in to her demands. So if anything needs to change it's your reaction. Let her have her tantrum. Let her moan and give out. If you go out with friends, turn off your phone. Or block her number for the duration of the time you are out.

You mention that she has said that if you don't give her constant attention that you are not giving her what she needs. She's not giving you anything that you need. Why are her needs more important than yours? There are two people in the relationship. Each as important as the other and both have to compromise at times to consider the other.

If you feel up to it, start standing up to her. Tell her you're not listening to her hysterics and walk away if needed. Tell her you will talk to her when she's ready to be sn adult. She sounds like a horrible person who has never been told "No".

It might also be worth looking at the www.amen.ie website. You might find it an eye-opener.

She's not going to change at least not without you changing your approach. If I were you I'd give this an end date. And if things haven't significantly changed by then I'd be moving her out. Not asking, physically moving her. If it means ringing her mother and asking her to collect her stuff and changing your locks, then that could be what it will take.

Take care of yourself, because this girl certainly won't.

25-04-2019 07:58AM

Can it be fixed? Why would you want to bother? You're in your early 20s and with this woman only a year and it sounds like it's been nothing short of a nightmare.

TooMuchornot wrote: »

Ive tried dumping her in the past but she has this arguing style where she just keeps going and keeps shouting at you till you either cant bear it anymore and give in or waits till youre sleepy and keeps going till you just agree to stay to go to sleep.

So you want to dump her, the question is HOW? As BBoC said, make a plan, drop her stuff to her mother's, change the locks, change your phone number and don't look back.

Don't involve the mother too early, it's perfectly possible she WAS kicked out if she treats her mother as badly as she treats you and might give the girl a "heads up".

Be very careful, she genuinely sounds like the type of person who would try to twist this to make you look bad. Involve your friends for moral support.

ManOfMystery · 25-04-2019 08:19AM

She is unhinged.

I've split up with someone before because they displayed a few similar traits - possessive, insecure, argumentative. But they were not at the extreme level they are here. This is mental abuse IMO.

I honestly have no idea why you are still there. You're not happy, your friends are distancing themselves, you have no free time, she has taken over your life and treats you more like a possession than an equal partner, she has a massive temper, etc. There's very little positive here and lots of negative. You are there simply to feed her ego and fill this massive gap in her life which restricts her from being able to function without an endless stream of communication, approval and affection from you. That's not sustainable even in first few loved-up weeks of a relationship never mind a year in.

I think you've made a couple of mistakes along the way which show a lack of assertiveness and she has exploited these - her moving in without your approval and talking over you during breakups. It's time now to assert yourself and take your life back.

We are all equal and she has no more power over you than a randomer walking down the street, you just need to convince yourself of that. If you want to break up with her - you can. It doesn't matter what she says, or if she comes up with clever arguments - you stick to your conviction - "I'm not happy, I don't want to be in this relationship anymore or try and repair it, it's over". Don't let it drag on for hours until she wears you down - say what you want to say and then leave. And STICK to that conviction even if it takes hours or days. Give her a certain time/date to be moved out (which is a courtesy she doesn't even deserve tbh) and tell her the locks will be changed at that point, if she doesn't have her stuff out it will be dumped on the street in a bag.

I would also have a friend present when having these conversations, or else do it in a public place. As said above, she sounds unhinged enough to twist it round and make a false claim against you.

LolaJJ · 25-04-2019 09:26AM

Hey OP

You're in your 20's, at this stage in your life you shouldn't be dealing with this nonsense. Actually, at any stage in your life you don't need to deal with this nonsense.

I'm sure your gf is not trying to abuse you but likely due to her own insecurity and imaturity you're being hit with a ton of her issues which she needs to resolve by herself before she should be in a relationship with anyone.

I'd try and get out of this one, chalk it up to experience. When you meet someone who is "for you" - it will be a very different experience.

Best of luck

wiggle16 · 25-04-2019 09:33AM

Get rid of her. Today.

Seriously, this isn't a relationship. It doesn't matter if we call it abuse or not, no one should have to put up with this horse****. She's a massive, bibulous, super-absorbent sponge.

In a way I'm not sure why you are asking this. It doesn't sound like you even like her at all from your post, and it's very clear that you know this behaviour isn't normal or acceptable.

Throw her out.

Sardonicat · 25-04-2019 10:10AM

This is extremely abusive and will get worse.

Get on to Amen for advise on how to end this 'relationship ' and get her out of your place safely.

If you don't own your own place just leave. Pack your bags, take your stuff and go. Don't tell her where you're going. Change your number and lock down social media.
Get away now, whatever way you can.

LegacyUser · 25-04-2019 10:27AM

Step 1 - get a locksmith to the house and have the locks changed.

Step 2 - pack her stuff and drop it at her mam's. Don't even call in, just leave it outside the front door.

Step 3 - message her that it's over, her stuff is at her mam's and you don't want to hear from her again.

Step 4 - block her on everything.

Take back control here and don't tolerate this ****e!

If she harasses you or calls to house or anything, just call the guards - don't bother engaging with her.

You really do need to end this relationship. It sounds horrendous.

Neyite · 25-04-2019 10:31AM

Yes, pretty much everything you described is abusive.

Oh and be VERY careful with sex and contraception from here on in. Keep your wits about you, be careful with drinking to make sure that you don't end up in bed with her.

For someone that is that controlling,manipulative and abusive getting pregnant to trap you into a relationship or house is just another tool in their arsenal of abuse. So they could go to great lengths to try self-impregnante from even a used condom or BJ even if you refuse to have full sex. Best just avoid any intimacy totally. That way she can't fake a pregnancy either.

Look, you need to have a plan:
You have friends that hate her, great! Use them to help you if you don't feel you can stand up to her. They would be only too delighted to help you pack her stuff, change your locks and keep you company or a few nights /take your phone so she can't wear you down. Talk to your friends. Make a plan for all contingencies of crazy, don't implement it until you've all the bits in place, then break up swiftly, cleanly and with finality locking down all your social media and blocking her etc.

splinter65 · 25-04-2019 10:39AM

Ah OP listen, she doesn’t love you. She doesn’t care about you and she is destroying your life.
You are too young to try to deal with this. She has so many problems but they’re her problems not your problems. Get her out today. If you have problems then get your friends and family to help you. It’s not going to be easy. If it gets physical or violent ( it probably will) have no hesitation in calling the Garda.
Out now OP. It can’t be fixed pet.

Sardonicat · 25-04-2019 10:41AM

Whether you leave or kick her out, have at least one witness present so she can't accuse you of anything after.

SozBbz · 25-04-2019 10:43AM

OP I think you need to take some responsibility for your own behaviour here, and draw a line under it.

Yes, shes abusing your good nature and seems highly manipulative. You might think its just about tolerable as it stands, but theres very little reason to believe that her need to control you wouldnt increase over time.

You seem to be allowing her to get away with murder for an easy life in that moment. You let her enforce her rules about date nights, phone usage etc as it seems easier at that point in time, but everytime she experiences a little win like that, it only reinforces her need to control you. Its a vicious cycle.

You need to know that this will likely be hard in the short term and commit yourself to going through that, in the knowledge that it will be infanitely better for you in the medium and long term. You cannot allow yourself to agree not to leave just to go to sleep.

You need to tell her to pack her bags. Don't frame it as a discussion, because its not. You've made a decision and you need to stick to it. The idea of leaning on your friends is a very good one, as no doubt they'd like to have you back in their lives, without her. Let others around you help in terms of keeping you busy and firming up your resolve. Go away for a few days and tell her to be gone by the time you get back. If she digs in, then do all of the above, including force able removal of her property/calling her parents/the Gardi etc if she refuses to leave. Right now shes only living there 6 months and has no rights, don't let her accrue any.

Right now this is in your hands. It will never improve, you've got to get out while you still can.

supersaint3 · 25-04-2019 10:55AM

LolaJJ wrote: »

Hey OP

You're in your 20's, at this stage in your life you shouldn't be dealing with this nonsense. Actually, at any stage in your life you don't need to deal with this nonsense.

I'm sure your gf is not trying to abuse you but likely due to her own insecurity and imaturity you're being hit with a ton of her issues which she needs to resolve by herself before she should be in a relationship with anyone.

I'd try and get out of this one, chalk it up to experience. When you meet someone who is "for you" - it will be a very different experience.

Best of luck

I'm with this person, she's not bad or mad etc as others might be saying, but I think you'll be unhappy if you stay and the truth is unless you love someone and want to be with them, you're not doing them or you any favours in the long run staying out of fear or sympathy. I've been there.

Just be resolute and calm, and be ready for a tough day or 2.... don't be sucked into litigating everything by text, be firm about your decision and ride out the storm.

Flippyfloppy · 25-04-2019 10:59AM

If you don’t own the place just leave, because she is gonna put up one hell of a fight by the sounds of it!

pwurple · 25-04-2019 11:11AM

Yes, all abusive.

OP, re-read this

Neyite wrote: »

Look, you need to have a plan:
You have friends that hate her, great! Use them to help you if you don't feel you can stand up to her. They would be only too delighted to help you pack her stuff, change your locks and keep you company or a few nights /take your phone so she can't wear you down. Talk to your friends. Make a plan for all contingencies of crazy, don't implement it until you've all the bits in place, then break up swiftly, cleanly and with finality locking down all your social media and blocking her etc.

Get help dude! Get reinforcements.

Is she ever out of the house? Arrange a locksmith, take a day off work, get her stuff packed and out the door.

She sounds unhinged. Does she have any friends you know of?

Yellow pack crisps · 25-04-2019 11:33AM

It’s abuse, plain and simple and you know it is, otherwise you wouldn’t be asking. She is moulding you into the bf she wants, rather than the one she has. Therapy is probably not working if in fact she is actually going and is probably just a ruse to keep you where she wants you. Break the cell she has you imprisoned in and run away, it won’t get better as long as you’re a willing participant. It will get worse and a day will come were you look in the mirror and only see a reflection looking back. It’s not that she is not nice, it’s not that she means it all, it’s because she is mentally ill and needs professional help that she won’t get while she has you, her little Hampster on a wheel for her own amusement. Not only will you be helping yourself by leaving her, you will be helping her.

bucketybuck · 25-04-2019 11:35AM

TooMuchornot wrote: »

Ive tried dumping her in the past but she has this arguing style where she just keeps going and keeps shouting at you till you either cant bear it anymore and give in or waits till youre sleepy and keeps going till you just agree to stay to go to sleep.

Since when has getting dumped been a discussion? You don't get dumped by mutual agreement...

Grow some balls and tell her its over and that she has to get out. Don't discuss it, don't go down a rabbit hole of asking what she thinks about it, just tell her you're done and that she needs to leave. Then block her in every way you can. She's 20, she'll get over it.

Yellow pack crisps · 25-04-2019 11:42AM

Being in an abusive relationship is not that person whose being abused fault, nor can you magically grow a pair of imaginary balls. It’s a cycle and one that depends on one person being ground into particles of themselves that they rarely know what’s good or bad for them anymore. The op not only needs to leave this relationship but also probably needs aftercare help in understanding how this happened to him and how to move on from it. Victim blaming him and telling him he basically lacks balls is just stupid advice.

Ash.J.Williams · 25-04-2019 11:45AM

B0jangles wrote: »

Run.

I'm sorry to sound flippant but this is off-the-charts levels of pretty much every negative trait - neediness, agressiveness, inability to accept disagreement,total self-absorption.

So either she really is this awful = you need to break up
or
she's kind of annoying but you can't really stand her anymore and so her negative traits seem huge to you = you need to break up

edit: you say none of your friends can stand her so it's not option 2. She's awful. You need to get your thoughts in order, remember what it is you want to do and hold firm when she tries to wear you down and talk you out of breaking up. It'll be hard but you know it'll be worth it.

Upgrade

SozBbz · 25-04-2019 11:53AM

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Being in an abusive relationship is not that person whose being abused fault, nor can you magically grow a pair of imaginary balls. It’s a cycle and one that depends on one person being ground into particles of themselves that they rarely know what’s good or bad for them anymore. The op not only needs to leave this relationship but also probably needs aftercare help in understanding how this happened to him and how to move on from it. Victim blaming him and telling him he basically lacks balls is just stupid advice.

While I agree that telling someone to grow some balls is unhelpful, the OP has to be the one to take action here.

There are 2 people in this relationship, he has to be the one to make changes, because she's certainly not going to suddenly turn into a reasonable person.

I think people are trying to point out that the OP has been a bit passive and he said himself that his "will is fading". He has to be firm with himself to give all of his remaining resolve to end this situation, as its purely toxic.

If nothing changes, nothing will change. It has the potential to get much worse, but even if it just stays at the same level, the OPs future looks pretty miserable, and that's the best case scenario if he doesn't break up with her.

qwerty13 · 25-04-2019 12:08PM

She’s completely grinding you into the ground OP. So much so that you’re actually double guessing yourself re whether being treated horrendously abusively is ‘normal’.

She is behaving horrifically to you. It’s no wonder that your friends despise her. There is no forgiveness/mitigating circumstances. You need to get out now.

And do be very careful about contraception.

EarlyStorms · 25-04-2019 02:40PM

I broke into a sweat just reading your post, sounds like a total nightmare. You need to get out and get out fast before its too late and you're trapped. It's only going to get worse from here on out. The girl is clearly troubled but its not your job to put up with it, it'll only bring you down with her. Do everything you can to finish this relationship as soon as possible. Best of luck.

zapper55 · 25-04-2019 04:43PM

She sounds incredibly unhinged. I think you need to break up with her and in public, aaap. Dont sleep with her again, I'd be terrified for you re her getting pregnant.

I would pack up her things and put them in a box and change your locks when she is out. That sounds extreme because it is. I would say the same to a.female.victom of abuse. You have no idea what she is capable of.

Leave her things with her family of you feel.safe to do so..

Ursus Horribilis · 25-04-2019 04:49PM

If you don't want to break up with her in public, you could do with having someone you trust close by. It's not going to end well. She isn't the sort of person who will go quietly into the night.

bottlebrush · 25-04-2019 09:14PM

op - this is as good as it gets with somebody like her. she might be fixable but fixing her is not your responsibly. you've spent a year of your twenties putting up with this. she is 99% unhinged and 1% 'nice'. plenty of girls out there who are easy to get on with and will respect you. the main thing is you learn something from this experience. and make sure to set your boundaries early on, as some people, like this girl, will just assume you don't have any.
break up immediately with this girl but be prepared for her not to go away without a fight so make sure your friends are in the loop
good luck.

Yellow pack crisps · 25-04-2019 09:49PM

SozBbz wrote: »

While I agree that telling someone to grow some balls is unhelpful, the OP has to be the one to take action here.

There are 2 people in this relationship, he has to be the one to make changes, because she's certainly not going to suddenly turn into a reasonable person.

I think people are trying to point out that the OP has been a bit passive and he said himself that his "will is fading". He has to be firm with himself to give all of his remaining resolve to end this situation, as its purely toxic.

If nothing changes, nothing will change. It has the potential to get much worse, but even if it just stays at the same level, the OPs future looks pretty miserable, and that's the best case scenario if he doesn't break up with her.

With respect, I don’t know if passive is the word for it. Again, he is in an abusive relationship, people in abusive relationships tend not to see the full picture until they are well out of it. I doubt you would tell someone who is being beaten up they are being passive. You would of course give them advice on how to end that cycle of abuse: ie leave, but building up their confidence to leave is fundamental. Telling them they are partly to blame is unnecessary and further ridicules the situation. The OP needs to leave, there is no doubt about that, but he needs the support to leave also.

OP. It’s been suggested to get your friends help in ending this. I think that’s good advice. I’m not sure you know what’s healthy or unhealthy anymore in this relationship and maybe contacting Amen would be a good source of information and could give you the tools to break this cycle of abuse you are in. Best of luck anyway.

Ursus Horribilis · 25-04-2019 09:54PM

OP, I don't know if you're still reading this thread. I've copied/pasted this straight from AMEN's website

How to recognise the signs of domestic abuse:
Am I experiencing domestic abuse?
Sometimes it can be hard to know if you experiencing domestic abuse and the following information is intended to help those who feel that this may be the case. It is worth remembering domestic abuse is fundamentally the control of one partner over the other and this usually involves some or all of the following: emotional, verbal, financial – denial or control over necessities, sexual and physical abuse and digital and social media abuse. The abuser is making the choice to abuse. The following is a list of indications of domestic abuse- an abusive relationship may exhibit one or more of these – and it is important to recognise the signs of an abusive relationship.

You are afraid of your partner.
You are constantly ‘walking on eggshells’ because of her mood swings.
You spend your time working out what kind of mood she is in and the focus is always on her needs.
She loses her temper easily and over minor things.
She has hit you or almost hit you and/or your children.
Your partner has been abusive in a previous relationship.
She criticises your family and friends and/or makes it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
She calls you names and threatens you and/or your children.
She is jealous and accuses you of flirting and having affairs.
She regularly criticises or undermines you in front of other people – including about the way you look, dress, and/or your abilities as a father.
Your needs are not considered important or are ignored, and she makes the decisions in the relationship.
You find it hard to get time on your own. When you do spend time away from her, she demands to know where you were and who you were with.
She controls your access to basic essentials such as the car, the family finances, food, the telephone and internet.
She has forced you to do something that you really did not want to do.
She has forced you to have sex with her or with other people. She has made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with.
She has threatened to have you deported because of your immigration status.
She tries to control aspects of your life such as whether you work, and where; who you see and when; what you can spend; what you can wear; what you watch or listen to on the radio or television.
She demands to know the passwords to your email account and social networking pages.
She has threatened to kill you, or to kill herself or the children, if you leave her.

If you feel that you are in an abusive relationship and would like to speak to a trained domestic abuse support worker. Please click the link info@amen.ie or contact the Amen helpline on 046 9023718

Confused if this is abuse or can it be fixed.

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