I want to die

Gael23 · 09-03-2019 9:46am

It does get easier eventually. I can’t explain how or why but I guess some level of acceptance grows in you. That said, certain things still set me off 4 years later, things like walking into a supermarket only to be greeted by a rack of his favourite treats.
You will always miss her and she will always have a place in your heart which is perfectly fine.

acequion · 09-03-2019 11:21am

Irish Stones wrote: »

I feel exactly the same, and I've been feeling like this for the past 2 years. My cat died March 2017, then my other cat died August 2018.
I hadn't recovered yet from the first death, then the second death occured, and I'm still in a deep state of sadness, I'm living in a black tunnel.
They had changed my life, it hadn't been the same since I had them, and it won't be the same without them.

I had days when I wanted to be in a different part of the world just because too many details around me would make me remember them.
It's painful, I know.

Am sorry to hear about the loss of your babies,Irish Stones. Two in one year is very tough. Have you got any new pets since?

Irish Stones · 09-03-2019 7:37pm

acequion wrote: »

Am sorry to hear about the loss of your babies,Irish Stones. Two in one year is very tough. Have you got any new pets since?

Hi acequion, thanks for your kind words of support and understanding!
Both my cats were 17 yo when they died, so someone could say that, after all, they had a long life.

No, I haven't had any other cat, I fostered, though, three or four cats since the death of my last cat in August 2018.

Well, apart from those, I found a sick and old cat on a non-urban road a month ago, she was sitting in the middle of the rush hour traffic, and after the vet visits and tests, I took her home.

This wasn't another foster cat for us, this was our new cat. We knew, since from the beginning though, that the poor soul would have lived only a few weeks, the vet had been clear on this. But we wanted to give her the best days we could... We loved her immensely, and she returned our love.
Unfortunately "a few weeks" were actually "a few days", and she left me after 9 days only.

Sometimes I think I miss a cat in my house and I would like to have one again, but if I seek deep down inside me, I see that all I would like is to have my old cats back, not another cat.
I think it is still too early, I need to elaborate my grief.

Again, thanks for your words, acequion, I really appreciated them.

@dragona, sorry for hijacking your thread!

acequion · 10-03-2019 2:46pm

@Irish Stones, what a lovely thing you did taking in the little old kitty and easing her last days. I was very touched to read that. Very.

@dragona, I too apologise for taking your thread a bit off topic but it's still on the subject of losing a beloved pet so I really hope you don't mind, in fact,hope it might even help.

On the subject of getting new pets and I fully respect that you guys don't want to go down this road, I think that just like romance where we can have more than one great love in our lives, with a few flings along the way,it's the same for our pet relationships. Having had numerous kitties throughout my life, there have been two BIG loves. And as often happens with great loves both came into my life unexpectedly. The first while I was living in France many years ago and as I already said, brought her back to Ireland with me. I never thought I could love a little pet as much again, but 12 years after the first kitty's death this latest little one came into my life.

Some people need years before they can even think of another pet, some never want one again and some can get another quite quickly. I guess we're all different. Two of my neighbours had to have their little darlings put to sleep last year, both were utterly heartbroken, but both by xmas had gone to pet shelters and adopted new ones.

Anyway, thinking of you dear dragona and hope you're looking after yourself. Don't hesitate to pamper yourself with anything that helps or comforts, even in a tiny way. Your darling Judy wouldn't want you to be so heartbroken.xx

dragona · 10-03-2019 6:32pm

@acequion thank you for your kind words.

To tell the truth i I'm really really struggling with every day. I miss the scent of her, her warm little body pressed up against mine. Seeing her everywhere. Her beautiful face looking up at me.

I keep crying at random times throughout the day, just as I sit down to eat, or waiting for the kettle to boil, and at night when I get into bed alone and she's not with me, the tears flow. I think I'm starting to get on people's nerves.

I'm heartbroken in the true sense. I have a pain in my chest. But I tell myself that I helped her go pain free, and that she did not know a day of pain, and I'll take the hurt.That does give me a little comfort.

It's the least I could have done to repay the years of love and companionship she gave me, asking for nothing in return.

I'll miss her for ever and a day. She was my love, my treasure, my friend. My darling Judy.

acequion · 10-03-2019 8:40pm

dragona wrote: »

I think I'm starting to get on people's nerves.

I wouldn't worry too much about that. You're entitled to your grief and grieve you must. Some day the pain will ease, I promise.xx

Graces7 · 18-03-2019 11:44am

i was too raw to answer this OP as I lost my dog and one of my cats the same weekend last November. Stilll not faced the loss fully and still avoiding walking in the dog's favoruite places

But I am by nature very .... practical. I have been taking rescues in for decades and the way has been to fill the house. On the advice of family as i was stunned, i took in 3 very needy young cats, street rescues needing a home. drove all the way from west Mayo after crossing from the island to furthest sligo...

It was THEIR need that motivated me. i had room, so..

It was not "replacing" my lost ones. These are their own selves, deserving of and needing a safe and loving place. It has not healed the loss; it has created a new
dimension. my loss is still there and raw. simmering away in memories,but these sweet cats elicit my love and my laughter in a different way than my lost ones did and do.

dragona · 18-03-2019 5:00pm

I am so sorry, and I know how it feels. Just two weeks and a bit, and I am really struggling with every day.

I know I will get a call soon to pick up her ashes, and I just can't believe that is all I'll have left. I know it's just her shell, and the essence of her will always be with me.

I just cannot stop crying.It hits me when I go to bed, she is not there.When I wake, she is not there.All day as I potter about, she is not there.When my mother died, I was able to pull myself together. But I miss Judy more.

Judy was such a huge part of my life, I feel like I've lost an arm.I miss her so acutely and desperately that I can actually feel physical pain.I am not religious in any way shape or form, and I know the Rainbow Bridge stuff brings comfort to people, but I believe when you're gone, that's it, you're gone.And she's gone, for ever.

I think all of you who have loved and lost, and are able to love again, are incredibly wonderful people, but I know that I will never,never, ever again. My heart is shredded. I don't know if the tears will ever stop.

I would just like to say again Thank You to all who have responded to me, it really does mean a great deal. I just don't think I'll ever recover. Just have to carry on somehow.

Tony H · 18-03-2019 5:24pm

So sorry for your loss , the only thing I can say is that the pain WILL lessen and the memories and love will get stronger
I lost my Joey over a year and a half ago and even though I get sad sometimes and shed some tears , the happy memories are there stronger than ever ,
We did get another puppy after about six months and his madness keeps us going (another Retriever) , he will never replace Joey whose love of life and going for walks and spins in HIS car was incredible to see ,
Time is a great healer and love of a pet remains in your heart forever

GoneHome · 18-03-2019 9:00pm

So very sorry for your loss, we lost our cat (Jackie - male) four years ago this month, we were devastated (he was knocked down by a car on our rural road which barely has any traffic and he was always indoors so it came as an awful shock), we buried him in a corner of the garden (put a tin of his favourite food in the box with him and planted a lovely tree on his grave a few weeks later), I'm getting emotional now even typing this again. Anyway, for two years despite many offers of cats and kittens we just couldn't face having another cat, such was our devastation at the loss of Jackie, then two years ago we came across this little kitten on the road, lost and forlone, barley four weeks old, her mother (a feral cat) having been killed by a fox out in the field near our house as we discovered later, we couldn't but take her in, brought her to the vet and syringed feed for for the next few weeks as she was so young, she's two years old next month and our little sweetheart, we'll never forget Jackie but little Dottie has us wrapped around her little paw.

acequion · 18-03-2019 9:52pm

GoneHome wrote: »

So very sorry for your loss, we lost our cat (Jackie - male) four years ago this month, we were devastated (he was knocked down by a car on our rural road which barely has any traffic and he was always indoors so it came as an awful shock), we buried him in a corner of the garden (put a tin of his favourite food in the box with him and planted a lovely tree on his grave a few weeks later), I'm getting emotional now even typing this again. Anyway, for two years despite many offers of cats and kittens we just couldn't face having another cat, such was our devastation at the loss of Jackie, then two years ago we came across this little kitten on the road, lost and forlone, barley four weeks old, her mother (a feral cat) having been killed by a fox out in the field near our house as we discovered later, we couldn't but take her in, brought her to the vet and syringed feed for for the next few weeks as she was so young, she's two years old next month and our little sweetheart, we'll never forget Jackie but little Dottie has us wrapped around her little paw.

Such a lovely heartwarming story. Utter heartbreak at the loss of little Jackie and the sudden,tragic manner of the loss. But so sweet the way you took in and came to love little Dottie.

Thinking of you dragona.x

GoneHome · 18-03-2019 10:00pm

acequion wrote: »

Such a lovely heartwarming story. Utter heartbreak at the loss of little Jackie and the sudden,tragic manner of the loss. But so sweet the way you took in and came to love little Dottie.

Thinking of you dragona.x

Yes we always say Jackie sent Dottie to us when he knew we were ready, Jesus I'm getting all emotional now again.

katiek102010 · 18-03-2019 10:07pm

I'm so sorry for you all.

Graces7 · 19-03-2019 7:37am

dragona wrote: »

I am so sorry, and I know how it feels. Just two weeks and a bit, and I am really struggling with every day.

I know I will get a call soon to pick up her ashes, and I just can't believe that is all I'll have left. I know it's just her shell, and the essence of her will always be with me.

I just cannot stop crying.It hits me when I go to bed, she is not there.When I wake, she is not there.All day as I potter about, she is not there.When my mother died, I was able to pull myself together. But I miss Judy more.

Judy was such a huge part of my life, I feel like I've lost an arm.I miss her so acutely and desperately that I can actually feel physical pain.I am not religious in any way shape or form, and I know the Rainbow Bridge stuff brings comfort to people, but I believe when you're gone, that's it, you're gone.And she's gone, for ever.

I think all of you who have loved and lost, and are able to love again, are incredibly wonderful people, but I know that I will never,never, ever again. My heart is shredded. I don't know if the tears will ever stop.

I would just like to say again Thank You to all who have responded to me, it really does mean a great deal. I just don't think I'll ever recover. Just have to carry on somehow.

That is not true as everyone here knows from experience. Please do not close your mind and heart like this .OK?ok! Your heart has room in it, as mine does.

let time pass now please. spring is coming; let that heal you.

Graces7 · 19-03-2019 7:43am

acequion wrote: »

Such a lovely heartwarming story. Utter heartbreak at the loss of little Jackie and the sudden,tragic manner of the loss. But so sweet the way you took in and came to love little Dottie.

Thinking of you dragona.x

agree and this is what we all do. I went fo r these three knowing that. i am very old and have had cats over 50 years. and there is a huge need for folk to love critters. My three were street strays. damaged and hurting. now they are responding and enjoying life. watched the most abused one this week, jumping on my oldest boy, then rolling over adnd over in the green grass. sheer joy

JustAThought · 19-03-2019 7:56am

I am upset to read you initial posts dragona that I find it impossible to read through the thread and all the other stories of love and heartbreak. I am sure that if she knew how much pain you were in after your life of tender care and sharing and love that Judy would not want you to be so unspeakably devestated . Its so appallungly difficult but try and hold strong & get through this terrible pain and loss. It will, eventually, abate & you will be able to survive & maybe love again .

PinkLady2016 · 20-03-2019 5:09pm

My heart goes out to you. Its really tough when we loose our furry friends. Not many realise how much they mean to us. Just 2 weeks ago my dog died he was 12 years old. He was getting tests for a mass in his chest and came back home from the vet. But he didn't look good although we thought it was the anaesthesia and maybe he was still tired from that. He was vomiting too and very tired, even though he wasn't well gave me a smile and then the next morning he passed away in his bed. I wish that I didn't book the appointment for the tests now. Maybe he would still be with us.

acequion · 20-03-2019 10:01pm

PinkLady2016 wrote: »

My heart goes out to you. Its really tough when we loose our furry friends. Not many realise how much they mean to us. Just 2 weeks ago my dog died he was 12 years old. He was getting tests for a mass in his chest and came back home from the vet. But he didn't look good although we thought it was the anaesthesia and maybe he was still tired from that. He was vomiting too and very tired, even though he wasn't well gave me a smile and then the next morning he passed away in his bed. I wish that I didn't book the appointment for the tests now. Maybe he would still be with us.

Am so sorry for your loss PinkLady. Please don't beat yourself up over those tests as you were only doing what any loving owner would do and his time had most likely come. In fact be thankful that you were spared the heartbreaking decision of getting him put to sleep. Hugs to you.x

dragona · 20-03-2019 10:22pm

PinkLady2016 wrote: »

My heart goes out to you. Its really tough when we loose our furry friends. Not many realise how much they mean to us. Just 2 weeks ago my dog died he was 12 years old. He was getting tests for a mass in his chest and came back home from the vet. But he didn't look good although we thought it was the anaesthesia and maybe he was still tired from that. He was vomiting too and very tired, even though he wasn't well gave me a smile and then the next morning he passed away in his bed. I wish that I didn't book the appointment for the tests now. Maybe he would still be with us.

So sorry xxx truly x

Irish Stones · 21-03-2019 8:26am

PinkLady2016 wrote: »

I wish that I didn't book the appointment for the tests now. Maybe he would still be with us.

Your story sounds very like mine... My cat died a few hours after a visit with a draining of fluids from her chest... I wonder what would have happened if they didn't drain her

uck51js9zml2yt · 21-03-2019 8:29am

Irish Stones wrote: »

Your story sounds very like mine... My cat died a few hours after a visit with a draining of fluids from her chest... I wonder what would have happened if they didn't drain her

She would have died from drowning.

Irish Stones · 21-03-2019 8:48am

Angelo Obnoxious Raccoon wrote: »

She would have died from drowning.

Actually not.
She had been drained a few times before, and if not for an ultrasound scan that would assess the amount of fluids, she had absolutely no symptoms.
The vet insisted that it could have given her a better condition, but like after every draining, she had troubled breathing (probably due to a compensation effect that would last a couple of days), but the last time she didn't make it

PinkLady2016 · 22-03-2019 3:46pm

acequion wrote: »

Am so sorry for your loss PinkLady. Please don't beat yourself up over those tests as you were only doing what any loving owner would do and his time had most likely come. In fact be thankful that you were spared the heartbreaking decision of getting him put to sleep. Hugs to you.x

Yes true at least he went in his own time rather that big decision. Which I was dreading to do. I think the anaesthetic was too much for him. The vet said that if it was his dog he would have done the tests to find out what the problem was which made me decide to do them, but in hindsight it probably was a bad idea.

PinkLady2016 · 22-03-2019 3:50pm

Irish Stones wrote: »

Actually not.
She had been drained a few times before, and if not for an ultrasound scan that would assess the amount of fluids, she had absolutely no symptoms.
The vet insisted that it could have given her a better condition, but like after every draining, she had troubled breathing (probably due to a compensation effect that would last a couple of days), but the last time she didn't make it

Sorry to hear about your cat a similar situation to myself. Sometimes vets can be wrong and its what I have discovered since. I wont go back to that vet after all that happened. I rang some days later and they said that they never sent off the tests and didn't charge us for them either.

Graces7 · 27-03-2019 1:33pm

dragona, how are you now?

Not stopped thinking of you

dragona · 27-03-2019 4:27pm

Graces7 wrote: »

dragona, how are you now?

Not stopped thinking of you

Oh thank you so much. I'm still finding every day difficult, I feel lonely without her to chat away to. Sounds mad but there it is.The evenings I miss her especially,miss her warm body next to mine.

I'm still waiting to get her ashes back, no idea why it takes so long.I was away in England for a few days to visit a friend, it was surreal coming home and not have her greet me. Reuben of course, but it's not the same.:(

Sometimes I lie in bed at night, thinking of her, and I just don't want to accept that I will never see her again. This is excruciating, but it is what it is.Can't bring her back. Thanks for thinking of me xx

Gael23 · 27-03-2019 8:50pm

It takes a couple of weeks to get the ashes back, no idea why. But it’s soon enough really because it sets you back initially but it’s really comforting, I can’t put it into words but you will find out what I mean,

MonkieSocks · 27-03-2019 8:59pm

dragona wrote: »

Oh thank you so much. I'm still finding every day difficult, I feel lonely without her to chat away to. Sounds mad but there it is.The evenings I miss her especially,miss her warm body next to mine.

I'm still waiting to get her ashes back, no idea why it takes so long.I was away in England for a few days to visit a friend, it was surreal coming home and not have her greet me. Reuben of course, but it's not the same.:(

Sometimes I lie in bed at night, thinking of her, and I just don't want to accept that I will never see her again. This is excruciating, but it is what it is.Can't bring her back. Thanks for thinking of me xx

She will be forever in your Heart, but the pain that's also there will eventually subside ,
at that time, you will only remember her with a fond heart and the odd tear of happiness of the times you spent together.

Look after yourself Dragona.

Socks

junkyarddog · 27-03-2019 9:40pm

I had to make the heartbreaking decision today to say goodbye to a much loved friend,my dog Daisy.

She was a stray that wandered into my life and has been a good friend for the last 13 years.

Sleep tight,I love you.

27-03-2019 9:45pm

junkyarddog wrote: »

I had to make the heartbreaking decision today to say goodbye to a much loved friend,my dog Daisy.

She was a stray that wandered into my life and has been a good friend for the last 13 years.

Sleep tight,I love you.

I'm so very sorry you poor thing, its heart breaking after having each other for 13 years xxx

I want to die

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