Stopping at 1

Skybirdjb · 25-03-2019 02:43PM #1

Hi
Anyone decided to stop after having first baby ?
Do people stop asking eventually when your going to have another baby and saying ah you can't just have one baby sure that's cruel !!!!

I have an 8 month old little boy he is my world but after a massive struggle before he came and a horrific birth and ongoing issues since we have decided not to have anymore children.
It just is hard when it's constantly topic of conversation!
Thanks

shesty · 25-03-2019 03:41PM

They will stop asking eventually, but it may be years. If you have two or more girls/boys they ask you when you will go again to try for a girl/boy (the opposite to what you have).I have two girls and a boy and I was told sure your family is complete now.Who knows with people.As your little guy is only eight months, you can probably expect the comment a lot more.Just try to come up with a good response.

On a personal note he IS only 8 months.They change hugely over the next few years and you may find yourself feeling differently in a year or so (although I appreciate you probably don't think that now).Maybe keep your mind open to revisiting your decision at some point, be it a year or two or whatever.But you don't need to tell people that.Or that you have decided to only have 1.

Skybirdjb · 25-03-2019 04:05PM

Thanks so much for the reply shesty it's mad isn't it 😀 So right who knows with people !

jasonb · 25-03-2019 04:14PM

I've a daughter who'll be 6 soon and we've decided not to have any more. Personally we were lucky, as a couple of years ago we talked about it and both felt the same way.

Of course people will comment, they always do. You get engaged and they ask when the big day is, you get married and they ask about kids, you have one and when they're a couple of months old someone says 'she looks lonely' (I kid you not!). People seem to feel like it's okay to comment blithely on very personal aspects of our lives.

But the questions do calm down eventually, especially if you're quite clear about it being your decision, as opposed to just 'not trying again yet'.

When it comes down to it, there are Pros and Cons to both. I know having more than one can mean they have someone to play with, but they also have someone to fight with, and obviously it's more work for the parents. At this stage in my life I probably know as many people who have fallen out with their siblings as those who have a good relationship with them.

It's your choice, and no-one else's, so of course you should do exactly what you want. One little piece of advice though, be careful what language you use around the decision. At first I found myself using words like 'only one' or 'just one', but that language makes it sound like you failed or didn't do enough; it's just negative language. It's not a negative or bad decision at all, so don't talk about it like it is one. Now I just say 'we decided to have one', or 'we are happy to have one'. Leave the 'only' and 'just' out of it!

Best of luck and congrats on your baby boy!

rubberdungeon · 25-03-2019 04:18PM

Sometimes people ask to be nosey, sometimes people ask just to make conversation but it doesn’t matter why they ask, ot how often they ask, eventually they won’t ask anymore.

The quizmasters wont help you conceive, carry your baby to term or rear your baby for you.

You do what’s right for your family and take no notice of those who query you.

Skybirdjb · 25-03-2019 04:30PM

Great advise thanks so much .mabey it's just be grating on me recently all the questions 🙄 People will always have their opinions on everything , sure aren't I a "geriatric " having my first at 35!!!!!!! 😂

Thanks again everyone

Wheety · 25-03-2019 04:34PM

People should mind their own business. When you have a house and are married, all they ask about is kids. Maybe we're trying but it's not happening FFS!

I know they don't mean to be bad but people don't know about situations, like in the OP.

uck51js9zml2yt · 25-03-2019 04:34PM

We have 2. 5&8.decided after the second that was enough. We're still being asked if we plan on more.....

ArrBee · 25-03-2019 04:36PM

People will stop asking in time for your child to start asking!

andreac · 25-03-2019 05:01PM

Yes, me. Im fed up with the comments, ah you can't leave her on her own, ah you say that now, etc etc. Honest to god, i feel like screaming at them telling them to shut up when they say those things.

Gorgeousgeorge · 25-03-2019 05:03PM

Had a friends other half say it was cruel to leave her as an only child as she was one and said it was hard. Reality is we literally couldnt afford a second child

LegacyUser · 25-03-2019 05:11PM

People can be incredibly stupid. I’ve learned that over the years, having one child.
One day after being asked about having another baby I was at the end of my tether and told the person that I attempted suicide with PND and had to be hospitalised for weeks. Took three years to feel semi normal again. Wasn’t risking it again as my chances of a reoccurrence were high.
That did shut them up!

Apart from that one time, I smile and tell people we hit the jackpot with our daughter. And that we’re very happy, which is true.

Skybirdjb · 25-03-2019 05:15PM

andreac wrote: »

Yes, me. Im fed up with the comments, ah you can't leave her on her own, ah you say that now, etc etc. Honest to god, i feel like screaming at them telling them to shut up when they say those things.

This is exactly it ! Ah sure you say that now , you will change your mind
I also feel like screaming sometimes or crying because people don't know what people have been through and that it might actually upset them .

LegacyUser · 25-03-2019 05:47PM

we had one child for 6 years, for 6 years all i heard was "when is the next one due?" i kept insisting and insisting we weren't (we were both adamant we weren't having another one), they never quit asking..

when the sibling came along (once the older one started school we REALLY missed the baby stage, and everyone was either having babies or getting puppies around us so we got broody) it wasn't long before "ah but you said that the last time" started again, so i just politely replied "well this time he's had a vasectomy" (this is true) and that has stopped them since...

i feel it is slowly becoming more accepted that you do NOT ask people personal things like that as you really have no idea who is struggling to conceive, or who cannot conceive due to personal reasons and hopefully with enough time, it will change for the better.

shesty · 25-03-2019 05:56PM

I have to say I find people really nosey!!!First and foremost for me is that you have no idea what problems people have conceiving or whatever, so you just never mention it!!my three are 4, almost two and ten months and I am constantly told my hands are full.If I didn't have a baby boy they would be asking me was I going to try again for a boy.You just cannot win.

scarepanda · 25-03-2019 07:04PM

I don't think it matters what you decide or say, people will always ask. We were fairly open about wanting no2, but never had a timeline set. We ended up getting engaged when No1 was 8 months old, so that put stop to the questions that were starting.... That was till 7 months later when we got married and it all started up again, with even more people asking. We wanted to wait a few months, to have some normality as the engagement/wedding was stressful because of family ****e. It took us a few months to get pregnant after starting, in total about 9 months after getting married. I'll be honest, it was extremely annoying and at times hurtful when people asked. The worst offenders were my parents. I had a gyne operation a few months before the wedding and I was personally terrified that we wouldn't be able to get pregnant. I wouldn't be that open with my parents about that kind of stuff, so they don't know the full extent of the op etc, but at the same time they didn't know if 1) we were trying 2) if we were having 'issues' 3) had got pregnant and miscarried 4) the op had affected my chances of getting pregnant again. Personally I think it's just so insensitive to quiz people unless they bring it up themselves.

Skybirdjb · 25-03-2019 07:12PM

Very insensitive, I actually get quite upset sometimes over it , I know I should let the comments go over my head but sometimes not that easy to do

shesty · 25-03-2019 07:39PM

It's been my experience that it tends to be the older generation (who simply never talked about stuff like problems or fertility, as far as I can see), or men my own age that tend to be mainly the culprits for passing the comments.But that's just my experience.

Abba987 · 25-03-2019 07:42PM

I have 4 young children. Constant comments of you're surely finished now

Everybody's idea of a perfect family is different

jlm29 · 25-03-2019 09:28PM

Abba987 wrote: »

I have 4 young children. Constant comments of you're surely finished now

Everybody's idea of a perfect family is different

This. I found that once I was pregnant with my first child, it was just a free-for-all in terms of questions and comments. If it wasn’t future family planning, it was my general appearance. If it wasn’t that, it was about when we might get married. Then there’s the questions/comments/opinions on my parenting choices. Nothing seems to be off limits. Three children seems to be kind of the norm, anything more than that and it’s perveived that you’re either some kind of superhuman being, or an awful gob****e, and no one minds telling you which they think you are!
My third boy was about 15 minutes old when someone asked me if I’d be “back for the girl”.

Obviously you should do what’s best for you and your family, and some people will have the decency/common sense not to ask or comment. But it will probably be a long time before everyone stops asking and commenting on it. It’s just a case of grin and bear it, or come up with a standard response that will cut people short and ensure they don’t ask again.

Neyite · 26-03-2019 03:41PM

We've an only. What I found was that if a couple had no children, the assumption was that they might not be able to have any and they got treated accordingly or it was never mentioned. But once you've had one, people tend to think "ah no issues there, so it's obviously ok to ask"

It depends on who is asking really. The latest was my partner's friend on Paddys day and as soon as the words were out of his mouth you could see him suddenly remember he'd already been told the reason ages ago and he was mortified, so I was nice to him

There have been others who've been breathtakingly dim and insensitive or nosy as fcuk. They get a very abrupt response. As do the ones who think my son is somehow deprived or lacking because he's not got a sibling.

I'm rather used to the comments now and have developed a fairly thick skin and a few stock answers at the ready.

maxsmum · 26-03-2019 03:59PM

It's amazing how quickly after you have one that people ask when you'll give it a sibling, AND presume you'll be 'trying for the'... opposite sex.
Anyway we announced our second pregnancy and then shortly afterward decided to have a termination due to abnormality, so that shut everyone up for a while. Every cloud. I'm sure it'll start again soon.

Foweva Awone · 26-03-2019 04:07PM

I'm often asked when I'm planning on giving my five-year-old a sibling, even by people who know I'm very very single and very happy that way. I'm 33 and they insist on doing the maths for me, telling me I've loads of time etc ... I have zero desire to have either a partner or another child, and my son has two parents in his life and plenty of cousins close in age, so I don't feel he's lacking anything in not having any new step-parents or half-siblings. If anything it could probably be quite difficult for him, so I really don't see why so many people interrogate me about it and encourage me to actively look for someone. If I ever had a biological clock, I think it stopped ticking after I had him. I love him to bits, but he's definitely enough for me!

26-03-2019 04:15PM

People are very nosey..
They never stop asking personal questions about others private life.
I don't have any kids & you would not believe the things people say to me!

I don't know what your reasons are, but I will say, I have 2 friends who are only children, didn't matter while they were growing up, it's now, when their parents are elderly it's becoming an issue. One friends father died, mother relies on her for everything. The other friend is under serious pressure, trying to look after both parents & their health issues.
Probably unasked for information there..... Sorry!
Anyway, it's noones business but yours.

Anne1984 · 26-03-2019 04:15PM

Had a fantastic one the other day. My younger sister is engaged and lost her little girl a few months ago. At a family event a distant family member came up to me and said ‘are you the one who lost the baby? I said no that’s my sister and she said ‘but you’re the one that’s married’ (we are married a year and currently going through IVF) Double whammy!

I was just glad it was me she found first not my sister as she was acting like my sister had lost her favorite coat! I couldn’t believe someone could be so rude and insensitive.

Skybirdjb · 26-03-2019 04:34PM

maxsmum wrote: »

It's amazing how quickly after you have one that people ask when you'll give it a sibling, AND presume you'll be 'trying for the'... opposite sex.
Anyway we announced our second pregnancy and then shortly afterward decided to have a termination due to abnormality, so that shut everyone up for a while. Every cloud. I'm sure it'll start again soon.

So sorry for what u have been through maxsmum, think I'm feeling better today , yesterday it was just one comment too much 😡😡 we live literally opposite the primary school so I'm sure he will have loads of little friends as he grows up .

lazygal · 27-03-2019 09:50AM

They'll never stop.
Got pregnant shortly after our wedding, then 15 months later had number two. Was asked when number two was a few weeks old if we were done or if we were going to go again. We had a bit of a gap and then had our third. I can't count the number of times we've been asked if this is it or will we 'go' for a fourth to even up the genders (we have one girl and two boys). I got my tubes removed during the third birth so we're definitely done and I actually told one person this to get them to stop being nosey.

LouD2016 · 27-03-2019 10:01AM

Gorgeousgeorge wrote: »

Had a friends other half say it was cruel to leave her as an only child as she was one and said it was hard. Reality is we literally couldnt afford a second child

I'm an only child and I def wouldn't describe my childhood as cruel or hard.

My parents just couldn't afford to have another child.

Im in my 30's now and honestly I don't feel I missed out not having brothers or sisters - I see the fights my husband has with his and it actually makes me glad it's just me

When you are an only child friendships are so important to you and you really hang on to your longterm friends.

Only thing that gets to me now is knowing that when my parents are unable to look after themselves there is literally only me to do the job. But on the flipside you could have 10 siblings and they could all be useless and no help!

My son is almost 2 now and it's taken me this long to half consider would I like another (same thing awful labour, he had colic & reflux, never slept)...but then I love it being the 3 of us.

Nothing wrong with having or being an only child. People are just nosey f*ckrs

Digs · 27-03-2019 10:20AM

I’ve come to the conclusion people just don’t think before they speak. We have 3 girls, while I was pregnant with the 3rd they were mad to know the gender and amazed we weren’t dying to find out. As soon as she was born there were even commiserations to my husband at not getting a boy!!! Humourous ones but still.....

Three girls is our perfect family, I can say that with absolute certainty. The perfect family is subjective. We regularly get asked if we’ll go again for the boy.... people really are daft. We are done but it does annoy me that if we did want a fourth child, the genuine consensus would be that it was in an effort to have a specific gender, whereas in truth, 4 girls sounds pretty good to me!

lashes34 · 27-03-2019 01:09PM

I am possibly done. Had treatment to have my 15 months old and the first 6 months were complete and utter hell with colic, reflux and milk allergy. The thoughts of putting myself through that is scary and I honestly dont think my mental health could take it all. Its too much, so for now we are done but would possibly consider it in a few years but I am 35 so probably not wise to wait but I am good with our one girl.

I really wish people would shut it in general with regards family planning. We were married 4 years before I managed to get pregnant and it really upset me all the comments I got. Especially from one of my sisters in law. Some people are so stupid and insensitive. Even had my mother in law say to someone else that I was selfish not allowing my husband be a father. Bitch

Skybirdjb · 27-03-2019 01:48PM

lashes34 wrote: »

I am possibly done. Had treatment to have my 15 months old and the first 6 months were complete and utter hell with colic, reflux and milk allergy. The thoughts of putting myself through that is scary and I honestly dont think my mental health could take it all. Its too much, so for now we are done but would possibly consider it in a few years but I am 35 so probably not wise to wait but I am good with our one girl.

I really wish people would shut it in general with regards family planning. We were married 4 years before I managed to get pregnant and it really upset me all the comments I got. Especially from one of my sisters in law. Some people are so stupid and insensitive. Even had my mother in law say to someone else that I was selfish not allowing my husband be a father. Bitch

Oh that's such a cruel thing to say to you lashes . Don't think people understand really that it might make you sad that you won't have anymore kids , but that physically and most importantly mentally it really can't happen for you

And how lucky you actually feel to have one amazing and healthy child 💙

Stopping at 1

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