How can I cope with brothers baby dealing with abortion?

Sugarloaf12345 · 21-03-2019 04:54PM #1

I don’t know how to deal with this situation. Fifteen months ago I was coerced into having a termination by my now ex boyfriend. I became pregnant a month after my mums death and I was never as happy in my life to be pregnant. I wanted it so bad and had names picked out but he threatened to leave me if I continued the pregnancy. At the time I was not getting on well with my family and used to live with his family most of the time. Hence why I was afraid to lose them so close after the death and proceeded with the termination. He ended the relationship four months later as my fluctuating hormones resulted in numerous arguments. I struggled mentally and sought help through counselling. However my brothers fiancé is now pregnant and he told me today she is having a girl and I felt sick to my stomach when he told me the name they have picked is the same one I had picked for a girl which includes my mums first name.

I feel sick angry emotional and fearful. There are more emotions I cannot begin to describe. How do I cope with something like this, what should be a happy celebration in a family is a permanent scar and reminder of what I done?

zapper55 · 21-03-2019 04:57PM

I'm so sorry you have had such a hard time of it.

Post abortion counselling would definitely benefit you.

You can ring myoptions for free https://www2.hse.ie/conditions/abortion/after-an-abortion/emotional-side-effects.html

21-03-2019 05:05PM

Mod note:

CDQ, I've had to delete your post - this is no place for discussing the ethics of abortion.

- Woodchuck

Sugarloaf12345 · 21-03-2019 05:06PM

Thank you Zapper, I have been in counselling for the past year and have an excellent rapport with my counsellor. It has definitely helped although not to sound pessimistic but it can only help so far as the feelings and emotions will remain. It was a very traumatic experience to the point I have a fear of having sex now, I only have sex after ovulation with condoms as I am terrified of getting pregnant again and have only had one partner since as I dont trust anyone now

Ursus Horribilis · 21-03-2019 05:06PM

I second more counselling for you. I don't think anyone here will be able to give you the help you need. Did you find the counselling you had helpful?

One thing jumped out at me though. You're still blaming yourself for the break up. How on earth could you have been in a good place after what you'd been through? I'd get a card if I articulated what I think of your ex.

I'm not surprised that your brother's good news is cutting you up. You're still nowhere near coming to terms with the loss of your baby, especially given the circumstances. I'm so sorry for your losses.

Edit:I see you're in counselling already. I wonder would talking, (in addition) to one who specialises in post abortion counselling help?

eviltwin · 21-03-2019 07:32PM

I've been where you are and I understand those emotions. In my case it was a friend who was pregnant and I was convinced I would struggle to be around the baby once it arrived. As it happened I was fine but I wasn't coerced into an abortion so I was at peace with my decision.

As above I'd recommend more counselling to help you separate your new niece from your own pregnancy.

It does get easier, you won't always feel like this.

zapper55 · 21-03-2019 07:58PM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

<mod snip>

I think this is awful advice. <snip> A grieving process is still required.

21-03-2019 07:59PM

Please be kind to yourself

December2012 · 21-03-2019 09:08PM

I feel so sorry for you.

You did what you had to in the circumstances you were in.

I'm sure your brother hasn't picked the name to spite you - you said it was your late Mam's name?

You know you are entitled to grieve your own loss?

Big internet hugs to you

Jurgen Klopp · 21-03-2019 09:12PM

God help us I'm so so sorry for you, especially as you were so happy to having the baby

Don't really know what to say but you'll be in my thoughts, for some reason this just sticks in my heart

Jenneke87 · 21-03-2019 09:26PM

Hi there,

I believe you've posted about this before and I'm really sorry this happend to you. An abortion is an incredibly emotional procedure, let alone when you where coerced into one. You're now being confronted again with what you've lost and that must be so difficult.

As mentioned I would recommend continuing with counseling and please remember that what happend is not your fault. You did the best you could under the circumstances and gave up a pregnancy believing it would keep your boyfriend by your side and your relationship intact and he betrayed you in a horrible matter, leaving you to deal with the consequences of his actions.

I wish you all the best and really hope you can find a way to move forward and repeat like a mantra: this is not your fault!

LegacyUser · 22-03-2019 12:27PM

OP I'm so sorry, you've been through so much.

In the last 1.5 years you've lost your mother, your pregnancy, your relationship, and I'm assuming the relationships you had with your ex's family.

That is a lot for one person to go through, and on top of all of that is the fact that you were threatened into a termination that you didn't want. The amount of loss and trauma you've experienced is huge, no wonder you're struggling so much. And from the sounds of it, you are definitely still very much deep in grieving and trying to come to terms with all of this unwanted change.

Your brother's baby has acted as a trigger for your feelings of loss and grief, throwing you into a place of emotional turmoil and reminding you of what you don't have. As surprising at it may seem, this is not unusual. Watching someone close to you gain a little bit of the life you wanted for yourself is difficult, especially when what you've been through was so emotionally traumatising. If you were at a happier point in your life it might not have hit so hard, but you have lots of difficult emotions close to the surface in your every day life right now, so it's not really surprising that this is hard for you.

I'm glad to see that you are in therapy already and I hope that you will talk through all of this with your therapist. But the other advice that I would offer you is to just allow yourself to grieve. Let yourself feel it, rather than trying to push away the emotion or fight it off. In my own experience the only way to get past it is to wade right through it. When you've been through so much it's 100% normal to take a long time to process all the change and loss.

I know that your brother's baby is a painful thing for you, and that's okay. But try to keep your grief out of your relationship with him as much as you can. Talk about it in therapy, write it down in your journal, talk with a friend or support group, have a cry when you're at home - just let that grief out and understand that it's okay for you to feel this way. Don't reprimand yourself for it, or avoid your brother - just give yourself the benefit of kindness and understanding that what you're going through is normal and acceptable.

When the new baby comes along you might find it tough at first, but you'll end up so busy and absorbed in helping out when you're around her that your negative feelings will ease off. You'll find yourself mad about her in a way you never knew you could be mad about a niece, and your relationship will be a source of joy as you watch her grow up.

I know it feels like the emotions are overwhelming and you've no idea how to handle it - trust me that this is normal too. It's okay to feel like this. But let the emotions wash over you, let yourself feel bad, and then let it go as you work through it in therapy.

I've been in a similar place where I went through a lot of loss, was in a very dark place in my life, and a new family baby just really crushed me emotionally. But I worked through it, I never told my family and never let it affect my relationship with them - I talked through it with friends, my therapist and online. In time it got much much easier, especially as the little one grew up and just became the most adored little thing.

I guess the summary of all of this is - how you feel is normal. You've been through a lot, don't underestimate the power of trauma and grief - it takes time to work through them, sometimes years. Be gentle with yourself, but don't bottle it up. Find ways to express the grief so that you can focus in a healthy way on your brother. Take your time, it's okay not to be okay right now.

Emme · 22-03-2019 03:21PM

OP so sorry you had to go through this. Have you had post-abortion counselling?

<Snip>

If you have had counselling and it hasn't helped seek more counselling. Take care.

Paddy Cow · 23-03-2019 07:18PM

Sugarloaf12345 wrote: »

I don’t know how to deal with this situation. Fifteen months ago I was coerced into having a termination by my now ex boyfriend. I became pregnant a month after my mums death and I was never as happy in my life to be pregnant. I wanted it so bad and had names picked out but he threatened to leave me if I continued the pregnancy. At the time I was not getting on well with my family and used to live with his family most of the time. Hence why I was afraid to lose them so close after the death and proceeded with the termination. He ended the relationship four months later as my fluctuating hormones resulted in numerous arguments. I struggled mentally and sought help through counselling. However my brothers fiancs now pregnant and he told me today she is having a girl and I felt sick to my stomach when he told me the name they have picked is the same one I had picked for a girl which includes my mums first name.

Op please don't let him make you believe that your hormones are the reason he broke up with you. I feel so angry on your behalf just reading that. You had just lost your mother, which is traumatic enough but got pregnant and really wanted the baby. He completely ignored your wishes and coerced you into having a termination, saying he would leave you otherwise, then when you did what he wanted, he left you anyways. What an unbelievable piece of sh!t.

I won't pretend to understand the mind fcuk of emotions you must have had at the time and still be going through now. You're grieving your mother and the child you wanted and there's probably guilt and regret at your decision. You were smart enough to go for counselling but it's thrown you for a loop that your brother is now having a baby with a name you were going to use. I assume he didn't know your circumstances so it's just an unfortunate coincidence.

I feel sick angry emotional and fearful. There are more emotions I cannot begin to describe. How do I cope with something like this, what should be a happy celebration in a family is a permanent scar and reminder of what I done?

It's completely understandable that your emotions are all over the place. I get what you are saying. You want to be happy for your brother but that child's name will always have memories for you. I'm guessing you feel cheated because you see your brother getting what you wanted so badly and that's why you feel angry. I'm not judging you here. That's a normal, human reaction and only a callus person would judge you.

Nobody, not anyone here on boards or your counsellor or even yourself can predict how you are going to cope when the baby is born. Maybe it will be too much and you can't bare to be around the child (understandable) or maybe you will love the child from the moment you meet her. All you can do now is continue with counselling and work through your emotions.

You did nothing wrong. Your ex manipulated you when you were vulnerable and then he ran away, rather than face the reality of his actions. Your brother has done nothing wrong. He didn't know the name he picked was a treasured name to you. I don't know how you are going to reconcile those two in your head but staying in counselling will help.

I wish you all the best x

How can I cope with brothers baby dealing with abortion?

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