Depressed about my appearance

LegacyUser · 02-03-2019 02:48AM #1

I recently turned 30 and in the last year or two ive seen big changes in my skin, ive got allot of fine lines around my eyes and nose to my mouth, this change happened very drastically and as ive always been the type to put pride in my appearance, im very self conscious of my skin and feel quite depressed when I think about it.

My parents have never been the most encouraging or supportive people in my life, they rarely if ever gave me a compliment and have always been quick to point out my flaws.
I notice my mother staring at the lines on my face when she's talking to me and last week when I was in the car with her, I was looking in the rear view mirror when I said - to nobody but myself really - that my skin has gotten so bad. My mother agreed with me and told me its probably because of all those face creams im using. I nearly cried.

I see other women my age and older and they barely have a line on their face, I dont know how they do it? I have a healthy diet, drink lots of water, I rarely ever drink, I used to smoke but I quit, I was never a heavy smoker to begin with and always took great care of my skin, never really wore much makeup, people used to comment on how perfect it was and when I look back on photos from my early twenties I looked about 14, at 28 I couldn't buy a bottle of wine without my id.
I just feel terrible. Ive gone for facials, had a skin consultation and bought a whole range of new skincare but it made no difference, my skin is rapidly aging.

My parents obvious judgmental looks are making me feel very insecure and I dont want to go out for fear of meeting someone I know as the change happened so quickly, I feel embarrassed, I look so different and men dont even notice me anymore.

I dont really know what my question is, I just needed to get this off my chest as im feeling very upset over this.

Unanimous · 02-03-2019 07:04AM

Aww you poor thing!
Could it be stress and anxiety?
How healthy is your diet as well?
One thing I know is that eating healthy Is just one factor out of many.
I had several health issues one time and did all the healthy stuff and knew but was still sick. Tried to trace back to when I was healthy and how my health came crashing and it coincided with when I was stressed and unhappy about so many things.
Still kept on eating healthy but focused on eliminating the stress and things changed for the better.
You could try that as well. Don't take this upon yourself because the worry could make matters worse.
Retract and ignore the lines. Don't focus on them. Make an effort but don't be looking at them or commenting. And don't let others make you feel bad about them, not even your mother!
I don't want to suggest Botox because I am all about natural stuff but if you get one, they say that the baby Botox that allows movement a little is the best.

ginandtonicsky · 02-03-2019 07:05AM

A few points.

1. It’s not nearly as drastic as you think. You are 30, not 60. Ageing does not happen that dramatically particularly for someone who has always taken care of their skin

2. You’ve grown up under the scrutiny of a very critical mother so everything is under the microscope for you. I see this all the time with women + their weight in particular. Beautiful slim girls who feel like hippos because of lifelong parental criticism. Have you considered counselling for this?

3. Sounds like you’ve got the skincare side of things under control, especially as you’ve been to a consultant. Did you see a certified dermatologist? If not, doing so might put your mind at ease. You’ll learn that your skin is aging at a normal pace and there are some really effective things you can do to keep it as healthy as possible. Namely SPF and prescription retinoids. I’m 33 and certainly look my age but my skin is in great nick because I’ve been told how to look after it as a woman in my 30s.

4. The “men don’t notice me anymore” thing is bollix. If you’re an attractive woman, you aren’t suddenly going to turn into Quasimodo when you turn 30 and disappear off every man’s radar. 30 is so young! Stop being daft

SirChenjin · 02-03-2019 08:12AM

Don't knock yourself or put yourself down in general, but ESPECIALLY when you are in the company of someone, in this case your mother, who is critical of you/ willing to join in the criticism. Some people thrive on that.

If your mother is really just staring at the lines, perhaps you could start staring right back at hers? (That sounds a bit mean of me, but honestly sometimes people need things turned back on them. They usually don't like it. :rolleyes:)

I'm sure your skin is fine. It sounds like you take great care of it. If you find you are getting overly anxious about it, or indeed other things, this might be something more deep rooted and may be worth seeking help for / chatting it out with someone you trust.

professore · 02-03-2019 08:18AM

I think you need to cut ties with your parents and see them less often. You are 30. You shouldn't care what they think for a long time already. Do you still live with them?

As for the lines, trust me, men don't notice that on a 30 year old woman.

LegacyUser · 02-03-2019 12:38PM

Hi cheers for the replies.
Just wondering if you could tell me how you managed to see a certified dermatologist? theres no public dermatologists in my town, theyre all private and need a referral from GP to see them. gp will only a give referral for serious skin problems and conditions.
I asked her about retinols before but she told me they dont work for anti aging and she wouldnt give me a prescription.
The skin clinic I went to recommended me all the wrong products, I have very dry and sensitive skin but she recommended products for oily skin, after I explained to her what my skin was like she insisted they were the right products, I took her word as felt she knew what she was talking about, her skin was amazing and she's like 40 but after a couple of weeks my skin dried out so much, I stopped using them weeks ago but now on top of aging, my T zone is flaky and textured.
I dont want to go to another skin clinic or beautician as they only want to sell their stuff.

LLMMLL · 02-03-2019 03:15PM

The truth is you are at the age where the first signs of ageing appear. Obviously, we can't know without seeing you in person whether you have signs of.ageing that are worse than the average 30 year old but having fine lines around your eyes at 30 is pretty much the norm in my experience. When I was that age, my first major sign of skin ageing was (either from a loss.of.fat or.skin elasticity) a vertical dip between my eyebrows going up my forehead. It was incredibly minor and basically looks like a shadow on my forehead or something. At the time I thought it was.incredibly obvious and people were staring but now I don't even notice.it myself.

So things are only going to get worse. For us all. Lines from your.nose to your mouth. Bags.under.your eyes. Grey hairs. Some days you'll look incredibly tired even though you feel great.

I think while of course trying to look your best, you will have to accept that you are going to have increasing signs of ageing from now on and accept it.

Addle · 02-03-2019 03:24PM

Your mother sounds like mine.
Just don't mind her.

You never look at anyone's face as closely as you examine your own.
Your lines aren't as bad as you think.

Rubberchikken · 02-03-2019 04:58PM

how about making an appointment for a facial in a good beauty salon. they should be able to rrcommendca cleansing/mousturising regime too.

plus id never run myself down and definitely not with someone who does it to you anyway.
its not nice of a parent to speak out like that. tbh what does it cost to say nothing if you can't say something nice? but some people think they ' must be truthful'*sigh*.

look after yourself and learn to ignore the nasty comments.

dellas1979 · 02-03-2019 09:50PM

Rubberchikken wrote: »

look after yourself and learn to ignore the nasty comments.

Very true BUT the OP (the way she described) criticized her ownself first infront of her mother.

Maybe after years of demeaning comments, its become automatic.

And it's ironic this hurt has come up from a skin issue.

OP you should learn to speak nicer to yourself. And believe in yourself. No matter what is potentially up with your skin.

blairbear · 03-03-2019 12:05AM

OP, I am a 35 year old woman, and similarly, I take (almost obsessively) good care of myself. 2 years ago, I saw my first grey hairs. I absolutely freaked out, to an unnecessary, embarrassing degree. It was my first real sign of ageing and I was so upset. I have very thick hair that is a very unusual shade of natural colour and I was devastated at the prospect of heading into a lifetime of camoflaguing greys. I also told myself that I was about to become invisible to men, etc.

That feeling passed. I get my roots touched up every 6 to 8 weeks now, though it is barely necessary. The acute realisation that ageing was upon me became less upsetting and I processed it. I have never smoked, I barely drink but I am very thin and I worry that the loss of volume in my face will be very noticeable given my lack of subcutaneous fat. I totally empathise with you.

That being said I PROMISE you, that you are still as beautiful as ever. You are noticing things that nobody else can see (your mother is not an objective bystander; she is projecting on to you. Co-workers have done the same to me; women my age who smoke 50 a day saying stuff like "ah we aren't young looking anymore" etc.) If you do want a little bit of freshening up, please go to a doctor trained in aesthetics. You don't need a referral. There are lots of excellent clinics that offer non-surgical, non-invasive skincare treatments that will make you FEEL good, which is the main thing, and they can discuss any other injectables etc, if you are very keen on the idea. There is no shame in that either. My friends and I are all doctors, so they have easy access to colleagues who do injectables etc. I am the last one not to partake! You should do whatever gives you peace of mind, but most improvements can be made ESPECIALLY at your age (which is SO YOUNG) without any intervention.

Be kind to yourself.

Lotus Flower · 03-03-2019 04:15PM

blairbear wrote: »

You are noticing things that nobody else can see (your mother is not an objective bystander; she is projecting on to you. Co-workers have done the same to me; women my age who smoke 50 a day saying stuff like "ah we aren't young looking anymore" etc.).

I can't stress how true this is, people try to project their insecurities on to others, especially regarding age. Don't let them.

A good retinol and SPF (every single day) will do wonders for your skin

dartboardio · 03-03-2019 05:13PM

Its easy to see your own flaws.

Chances are other people think you are beautiful.

Get out there and get some decent makeup. Its amazing nowadays what you can buy

ginandtonicsky · 03-03-2019 06:28PM

feeling ugly wrote: »

Hi cheers for the replies.
Just wondering if you could tell me how you managed to see a certified dermatologist? theres no public dermatologists in my town, theyre all private and need a referral from GP to see them. gp will only a give referral for serious skin problems and conditions.

I live in London and there are tonnes of dermatology clinics over here. I spent a hell of a lot of time researching online too though, and I don't get drawn in by laundry lists of big expensive lotions and potions anymore because I know my skin type and what works for me. A simple routine that includes a daily SPF (50 or more) and a good moisturiser. Retinoid if possible, the research will back up its effectiveness for wrinkles and blemishes.

Tricky if you're not in a city. Can you get to Dublin or Cork/Galway easily? There are plenty of aesthetics clinics about, you just have to do your research and make sure they're not just going to give you the hard sell on a certain brand they're getting commissioned on.

TBH though, it sounds like the greatest work you need to do here is internal, building up your confidence and less of the self-obsession and self-scrutiny when it comes to your appearance.

Do you have hobbies, goals, a strong social circle? I find any time I tend to ruminate on my appearance, it's when I'm not keeping myself busy enough with the other wholesome life stuff. The stuff that is a far healthier focus for my sense of self worth. Might be worth taking up a sport, training for a half marathon, joining a book club, signing up for a yoga retreat with your friends, writing down some work goals, taking up an evening course, that kind of thing. Anything that keeps you busy and gets you out of your own head.

I'd definitely look into counselling too.

Mr. Incognito · 04-03-2019 10:18AM

No amount of creams or potions or lotions can stop time.

You will just have to accept it and start working on your inner beauty.

Self confidence and acceptance. You seem to be focused on your looks. They will fade and there is nothing you can do about it so you need to focus on your inner self. Acceptance, Patience and self love.

baby and crumble · 04-03-2019 10:24AM

I dunno if this is the right thing to say, but i for one find women in their 30's far, FAR more attractive than women in their 20's. Obviously that's not universal, but like... if you're worried about attractiveness then you have to remember that everyone has different tastes. Like Ditta von Teese famously said, you can be the most luscious leach in the world - there's still going to be someone who hates peaches.

deadlydreads · 04-03-2019 07:40PM

Hi op,
Sorry to hear that you're being so hard on yourself. We really are our own worst critics, I'm sure people would be be shocked to hear that you're worried about lines that they probably don't notice at all. Anyway, I advise you to Google Caroline Hirons and prepare to get lost in her site! She has great no nonsense advice about skincare in my opinion and loves a retinol!! See how you get on there as it's a great resource for the more mature lady, which, by the way, you are nowhere near

Hope you're feeling better today, be kind to yourself.

screamer · 04-03-2019 07:46PM

Op sorry to read that. First of all, people can ply make you feel bad about yourself if you let them. So, don’t let them.
As for aging well I remember reading somewhere that we age in 7 years at a time, so age a lot and then it stops for a long time and then age again and repeat.
As for lines and wrinkles, we’ll, we all have them l call them character building, rather than aging. But if you’re really concerned then there’s glycolic peels, laser therapy etc without having to resort to anything too drastic. Mind yourself and see the best in yourself.

LolaJJ · 05-03-2019 12:32PM

Hey OP,

I'm in my late thirties and by chance grew up being not-a-big-drinker which meant that age was a few years later catching up with me. I was always a bit of a perfectionist re my appearance and I recall, almost overnight becoming increasingly aware of lines on my face which I just couldn't come to terms with, by this stage all my friends were getting botox and fillers and I'd always said I'd never go that route, so, I tried all the expensive creams, laser treatments, peels etc, I still had lines........eventually i went for a consultation and figured it was worth a try and for the last 5 years it's just become normal for me, every 3 months I get 3 shots of Botox and every 6 months 2 shots of filler in my nasolabial folds. Obviously, I'm not saying this is the answer for you but it absolutely is for me. It makes me not think at all about aging, I go to a great place, so it's very natural....I look way better now than I did 5 years ago and it's gotten significantly more affordable in that time too.

Definitely helps with confidence, no one besides my partner and close friends need to know about it or would even guess. I regularly get complimented on how young i look and wouldn't dream of life without it now.

Just sharing my experience, not giving advice

SusieBlue · 05-03-2019 12:57PM

I wanted to say what @LolaJJ did but was afraid of being lambasted.
Self confidence and self love is an inside job and definitely something you need to work on, but if the lines are upsetting you this much you absolutely should do something about it.

I too spent years spending hundreds, maybe even thousands of €€€ on a variety of "miracle" creams promising to solve all my problems.
I was continuously left frustrated with the lack of results. I tried pretty much every product on the market, every facial, every method including derma rolling and facial massage, and nothing worked.

My lines weren't too bad but I was extremely self conscious of them.
I eventually did some research into botox and went for a consultation at a clinic with professional staff (aka not the local beautician, I go to a qualified doctor) and an excellent reputation.
The procedure is so advanced these days that its actually extremely common, I have no doubt a few of your friends who don't seem to be ageing have it.
I now go twice to three times of year, no lines to speak of but still have lots of movement so no "frozen" look. I am so much more confident, my make up goes on better, I look more fresh and youthful, and I couldn't be without it now.
No one has ever noticed or commented on it at all.
A couple of my close friends have it too and unless they had told me, I would never have noticed either.

The women you are comparing yourself to have likely had similar botox/filler treatments too, it really is so common.

Your mum sounds like a detriment to your mental health and you should avoid being in her company where possible, especially when your self esteem is so fragile.
I'm not saying you should have to alter your appearance, you should be kinder to yourself because you sound like a lovely person whose confidence has taken a hit.

But my own experience was similar to yours and that's how I rectified the issue. I have no regrets and only wish I had started sooner and not wasted so much money on all those miracle creams.

baby and crumble · 05-03-2019 01:03PM

I'd hope nobody would lambast anyone for doing something that would make them feel better. It wouldn't be my cup of tea but then there's other stuff I'd probably do that others would think is mad.

wakka12 · 06-03-2019 09:42AM

OP, as others have said its probably largely exaggerated by yourself in your mind.Its possible you have body dysmoprhic disorder, where you see yourself as different to how you look in reality, with flaws exaggerated in your mind. Now, maybe your skin has gotten worse, but all Im saying is at 30, that seems unlikely, especially as you say you looked very young for your age in your late twenties. Personally when I was in my early twenties I too got very depressed over how I looked and for some reason got it into my head that I looked extremely old for my age. This was really unfounded, and all started with some minor fine line or a little droop at the line on either side of my mouth that I noticed in the mirror one day and then obsessed over for months. I felt so sad whenever I went outside and was convinced everyone was looking at me thinking about how old I look when they saw me. Looking back at some older pictures of myself, its just absolutely ridiculous, if anything I looked young for my age.And makes me sad I wasted that time worrying over a non existant issue. All Im saying is, its hard to see yourself accurately because negative emotions,outlook and perception of yourself will completely make you see yourself as ugly.

But on a more practical point, maybe there are lifestyle reasons for any speeding up in the skin ageing process. Have you considered the 5 S's, sun, sleep, stress, sugar, skincare? They are the biggest contributors. Try to wear an SPF daily, stress and sleep are related points, lack of sleep causes release of stress hormone which not only destroys existing collagen stores but stops your body from producing more. Excess sugar causes a process called glycation, stress too raises blood sugar which contributes to this too. And skincare, what active ingredients are you using? Try the ordinary products, theyre cheap and effective with no bull****, bare in mind that products take a few months to achieve noticeable improvements! Maybe you havnt given them enough time before making a judgement.

And a final point, are you busy? DO you have hobbies? I find that when Im bored, I start to make up things to worry about in my mind, like skin ageing, which may not even be a very serious issue, and if Id been busy with my mind elsewhere on more constructive problems I probably never have began to worry about such a silly issue. (not saying your issue is not valid and serious, it could be , just saying for me,it was largely exaggerated in my mind as I didnt have a more important issue to worry about)

And as for your mother..god why would anyone want their child to feel **** about themselves, I dont understand

Wouldnt you want your child to be confident and happy

I really feel you though OP, I know how horrible it is to feel depressed about your appearance. It really affects all aspects of your life, everyone needs to feel at least comfortable with how they look to be happy imo

MartyMcFly84 · 07-03-2019 02:11PM

Its about 80% genetics and 20% taking care of your skin. There is always botox , its quite common these days and you will probably find many more people are using it than you think.

Sheog · 07-03-2019 02:42PM

I totally get where you are coming from OP. My Mom is similar... except it would be more relating to my weight rather than my skin. Whether I am heavier or skinnier; In her eyes I am either too overweight or I'm 'loosing too much weight'.

She is a perfectionist and that rubbed off on me over the years, to the point now that I have a lot of confidence issues in my 30ies relating to how I look. I did have a bit of counseling over it, which has been a big help. I realised that actually my Mom's criticism was coming from her own insecurities about herself. She has always been very underweight and I suspect suffered from an eating disorder when she was younger. When she is being critical now I try to block it by thinking 'this is coming from her own insecurities that have nothing to do with me.'

Having said that, I had a big gap in my front teeth which I got fixed recently, and it has given me a massive confidence boost, so if you think that trying botox or fillers might help, go for it! But do consider looking into counseling too. Best of luck!

santana75 · 09-03-2019 09:52AM

Feeling ugly wrote: »

I dont want to go out for fear of meeting someone I know as the change happened so quickly, I feel embarrassed, I look so different and men dont even notice me anymore.

Its always good to get to the crux of the matter Op, like what is the absolute core of the issue. And it seems like the core of the issue for you here is that you believe that if you dont look a certain way then men wont find you attractive any longer. That your appearance is the determinant of how people will judge you, more to the point, its how you are judging yourself. You're so focused on your appearance that you've noticed new lines that weren't there before. I would venture to guess that if people were to look at you, nobody would see the "flaws" that have captured your attention and focus. You might think that men arent looking at you any longer because you've noticed a few new lines. But men dont give a flying fcuk about your skin. They really dont. And you might think its your appearance that attracts men, but its actually not. Its your energy, the vibe you give off. And when you are so obsessed with how you look, and you think that you no longer match up to some perceived beauty standard, then the vibe you'll give off is that of someone whos not even at peace with themselves. Theres a famous book by James allen, "As a man thinketh so shall he be". What you think about yourself is the filter through which you'll see the world. And its also how you'll judge others. If you think your skin is "bad" then you'll judge others by this same standard. You'll start to notice people with "good" and "bad" skin and grade them accordingly. Which is destructive path to walk down. This is about how you judge yourself, nothing else. And you have the power to either continue on this path and continue to measure your worth by how you look or you can choose another way through life. If you judge yourself by how your skin looks you'll end up seeing more and more of what you judge to be wrong or bad. Just look at celebrity culture. So many women in hollywood have so much work done that they end up looking like they're faces a made of plastic. Its looks un-natural and eventually their faces have been pulled so much and have had so many chemicals injected into them that they look like Aliens and not like human beings at all. The most attractive person I know is a priest. Hes the Pope's pastor(the guy who the pope goes to for counsel). His name is Father Raniero Cantalamessa. He'll be 85 this year and he looks incredible. If you see any pictures of him he is literally glowing. And thats not special lighting, thats what he looks like in person. He radiates warmth and kindness because thats who he is. He has never had any work done and has never used any skin creams. He looks so amazing because of his personality, it comes from the inside out. Its about how you see yourself and the quality of your character. Thats what real attractiveness is. If you continue to judge yourself by your appearance then that wont end well, it'll lead to making bad decisions. But if you choose the other path, let go of obsessing about how you look and work on being at peace with yourself, then thats eternal beauty in the bank.

Depressed about my appearance

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