Excluded from WhatsApp group

LegacyUser · 03-02-2019 11:41am #1

I started a course last September. The course co-ordinator recommended that we set up a WhatsApp group between the students for support and for organising swaps in group sessions. Because of GPRD and data protection, this had to be between the students. A sheet of paper was passed around and we put our name and number on it if we wanted to be included in the WhatsApp group and someone was to set up the group.

I wasn't added to a group and thought nothing of it thinking that it just wasn't set up. We went back to college after Christmas and I asked someone was the WhatsApp group ever set up and i was told it was. I was second or third on the list of names so that hard to get lost in
a list of names and numbers. I know I would find it hard to focus on a long list but mistakes happen. I asked the group admin on the day about it and said that I wasn't added. She said there was an issue with her phone and couldn't add me right there and then. She asked me to write my number on the back of an envelope she had. A week passed and I still wasn't added to the group.

It seems like this person has an issue with me and I didn't do anything on her. Her phone was OK to have sitting on her desk for the class and the back of a large envelope isn't a scrap piece of paper that she can lose.

Another girl picked up on how I was being excluded. And she wrote in the WhatsApp group to add me and included my number. So it's going to hit this one in her face and it's very hard to ignore it.

I'm not expecting much to be honest but how do I deal with this situation and this person who very much clearly has an issue towards me or is just being a bully.

LegacyUser · 03-02-2019 12:22pm

Email your course coordinator, explain that despite repeated efforts, you have been unable to gain access to the group Chat for some reason,& you would appreciate if they could liase with the relevant WhatsApp administrator to facilitate access. End with "thank you in advance for your help in this matter, I look forward to starting this project with the rest of the group".

That should solve the issue.

anewme · 03-02-2019 12:34pm

OP, this is bullying by exclusion and I’d be fuming.

The post above is the way to tackle it though, do not engage with this nasty person again.

She’s not in charge of the course, so it’s not her place to exclude you. I would expect the tutors to take a dim view of it too.

I would not dwell on it though, or stop my involvement in the course or with the rest of the group. Response above is perfect.

ginandtonicsky · 03-02-2019 1:15pm

If it was me I’d mention it to her again in front of the whole class. “Hey susie, I’m still not in the group WhatsApp, did you manage to add me the last time? Can you do it now, I want to make sure I’m keeping up to date”.

If she’s evasive this time that’s officially two times she’s refused to add you and you can elevate it to the class coordinator.

anewme · 03-02-2019 1:23pm

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

If it was me I’d mention it to her again in front of the whole class. “Hey susie, I’m still not in the group WhatsApp, did you manage to add me the last time? Can you do it now, I want to make sure I’m keeping up to date”.

If she’s evasive this time that’s officially two times she’s refused to add you and you can elevate it to the class coordinator.

why give your wit to her?

Its actually 3 times OP has been excluded.

The original time.

The phone problem time.

The other person who commented OP shoukd get added.

If it were me who forgot someone by accident, id make it my business to add them straight away and apologise. This is not what op is seeing, its niot ooking like an accident.

LegacyUser · 03-02-2019 1:35pm

Xfvcc wrote: »

Email your course coordinator, explain that despite repeated efforts, you have been unable to gain access to the group Chat for some reason,& you would appreciate if they could liase with the relevant WhatsApp administrator to facilitate access. End with "thank you in advance for your help in this matter, I look forward to starting this project with the rest of the group".

That should solve the issue.

Thanks for the replies.

Can't get access for some reason? There is a reason. And it's going to give the group admin a chance to lie and make up something to save herself. So do I mention feeling excluded and give the three times that I was being excluded?

Wrongway1985 · 03-02-2019 2:42pm

Everyone has group chats for different purposes and yes some people may have to be excluded. Clearly not on that you've been excluded here as its specifically for the course. Think you may be making a mountain out of a molehill you don't seem to have sought the root of the issue take control yerself and you set up a WhatsApp group invite the same lot and if there's a problem with one don't dwell on it as long as you can share info with the rest, if there's a bigger problem it will be fully exposed that way then best time to contact your lecturer or whatever.

splinter65 · 03-02-2019 2:51pm

What the hell is wrong with people that they have to behave in this way? It’s always women too. Men don’t do these stupid childish things at all. Just approach the person in charge of the course and ask her to investigate on your behalf why, despite your best efforts, you are being excluded from the group. If your not added within 24 hours then email her and point out that you’ll have to take it further as your falling behind.

LegacyUser · 03-02-2019 3:21pm

leftoutofgroup wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

Can't get access for some reason? There is a reason. And it's going to give the group admin a chance to lie and make up something to save herself. So do I mention feeling excluded and give the three times that I was being excluded?

Realistically your tutor/lecturer will read between the lines of your email. & when/if they ask to see the WhatsApp group chats for themselves, it'll be quite clear you have been excluded. Why do you care if the group admin lies? All you want is access & to get on with your work. Her card will be marked by the college officials from here on out; even if she blags it this time, they'll be keeping a close eye on her. You just need to look after Number 1, forget about what she's up to.

wiggle16 · 03-02-2019 3:31pm

splinter65 wrote: »

What the hell is wrong with people that they have to behave in this way? It’s always women too. Men don’t do these stupid childish things at all.

Both men and women can be bullies and act childishly. I've had men exclude me from plenty of things for stupid, immature reasons. Gender really isn't relevant.

leftoutofgroup wrote: »

Can't get access for some reason? There is a reason. And it's going to give the group admin a chance to lie and make up something to save herself. So do I mention feeling excluded and give the three times that I was being excluded?

No, you definitely don't. Say it to the course coordinator that you haven't been able to get access to the group, as per Xfvcc's post. Don't tell him/her that you feel you're being targeted, that's nothing to do with them. It's between you and this girl.

"Giving her a chance to lie" - she is going to make up a reason no matter what is said to her, whether by you, coordinator or the other people on your course. You're just stooping to her level if you escalate it by bringing it to the coordinator as bullying rather than an access issue. Be the bigger person and just get access to the whatsapp group and leave it at that.

Ginandtonicsky's advice is good too and this is really what I think you should do. She won't be able to keep you out of the group if it's brought up innocuously in front of other people. Give her the chance to add you to the group without escalating it - you'll avoid making an enemy of this girl and nip it in the bud now.

woodchuck · 03-02-2019 3:35pm

Mod note:

splinter65, no more generalising. You've been warned about this in the past, so any further breaches will result in harsher action.

LegacyUser · 03-02-2019 3:44pm

wiggle16 wrote: »

Both men and women can be bullies and act childishly. I've had men exclude me from plenty of things for stupid, immature reasons. Gender really isn't relevant.

No, you definitely don't. Say it to the course coordinator that you haven't been able to get access to the group, as per Xfvcc's post. Don't tell him/her that you feel you're being targeted, that's nothing to do with them. It's between you and this girl.

"Giving her a chance to lie" - she is going to make up a reason no matter what is said to her, whether by you, coordinator or the other people on your course. You're just stooping to her level if you escalate it by bringing it to the coordinator as bullying rather than an access issue. Be the bigger person and just get access to the whatsapp group and leave it at that.

Ginandtonicsky's advice is good too and this is really what I think you should do. She won't be able to keep you out of the group if it's brought up innocuously in front of other people. Give her the chance to add you to the group without escalating it - you'll avoid making an enemy of this girl and nip it in the bud now.

Thanks for your advice. I do have a habit of rambling and giving reasons for things. So I'll keep it short and make it about an access issue.

Big Bag of Chips · 03-02-2019 3:47pm

Text one of the other people in the group, or a few of them together. Tell them that 'Mary' seems to be having trouble with her phone and adding you to the group. Ask them to tell 'Mary' to make them admins too so that they can also add people if required.

It's a bad idea in these types of groups to only have one Admin.

I would also contact the course coordinator just to cover your back in case something is being communicated through the group and you are not party to it.

beauf · 03-02-2019 4:24pm

If that doesn't work... suggest starting a new group with different people as admin.

As the current admin has phone problems and can't add the OP.

anewme · 03-02-2019 4:28pm

Be careful not to alienate others.

All this setting up rival groups etc will p people off. I would not be interested in getting involved with this type of petty squabbling if I was doing that course. Don’t drag others into it.

LegacyUser · 03-02-2019 4:35pm

anewme wrote: »

Be careful not to alienate others.

All this setting up rival groups etc will p people off. I would not be interested in getting involved with this type of petty squabbling if I was doing that course. Don’t drag others into it.

I never intended to. It's also making people choose which is completely unfair. I feel bad even bringing up the issue with the class lecturer because they may not suggest other classes to set up a group and they just stick with giving us groups and no option of change. These groups can be helpful. I just never thought I would have something like this in college.

Wanderer2010 · 03-02-2019 5:17pm

splinter65 wrote: »

What the hell is wrong with people that they have to behave in this way? It’s always women too. Men don’t do these stupid childish things at all.

Rubbish. Excluding people and being bullies and immature and nasty is equally prevalent in both men and women, there is no basis whatsoever for a sweeping statement like that. Of course men can be as childish and spiteful as women, to think otherwise is quite sheltered I must say.

Foweva Awone · 03-02-2019 5:33pm

Nothing essential to the course should be communicated through a Whatsapp group. If this is happening, simply tell the lecturer that it's unfair to rely on Whatsapp as a communication method, as not everyone might have Whatsapp, and not everyone is in the group.

My feeling is that the group in question is probably in fact more of a social group (even if it was originally set up for academic purposes) - chances are you're missing out on nothing relevant to the course, just memes and in-jokes, which is why they're reluctant to add you.

Rubberchikken · 03-02-2019 5:34pm

any one can be a bully. anyone is capable of excluding others. its a personality thing not fender imo.

op what this person is doing is petty and shows them up for what they are.
i like the suggestion of bringing it up in front of others. it gives a chance to see how she'll respond.

if nothing comes out of that then maybe mentioning it to the course coordinator that you may be misding out on class stuff by not being on the group might help.

people who treat others like this are pathetic imo.

LegacyUser · 03-02-2019 6:06pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Text one of the other people in the group, or a few of them together. Tell them that 'Mary' seems to be having trouble with her phone and adding you to the group. Ask them to tell 'Mary' to make them admins too so that they can also add people if required.

It's a bad idea in these types of groups to only have one Admin.

I would also contact the course coordinator just to cover your back in case something is being communicated through the group and you are not party to it.

If she can leave someone out like this after repeatedly asking, would asking her to add admins be helpful?

wiggle16 · 03-02-2019 7:40pm

leftoutofgroup wrote: »

If she can leave someone out like this after repeatedly asking, would asking her to add admins be helpful?

BBoC is right about 1 admin groups, but I don't think I'd bother. Just get yourself added to the group and focus on your course.

If she's the kind of person who will leave people out like this, people will catch on to that pretty quickly. I wouldn't stress about this any further.

Big Bag of Chips · 03-02-2019 7:45pm

Well if someone who you get on with posts in the group and says 'Hey, Mary, I hear you are having trouble adding a couple of people to the group. If you make some of us admins too we'll be able to help you out with that.'

If it's said publicly in the group it'll be harder for her to ignore it.

If she does ignore it, then you'll just have to ask someone in the group to make sure they forward you on any relevant news. It'll make her look like a numpty though.

ginandtonicsky · 03-02-2019 7:51pm

anewme wrote: »

why give your wit to her?

Your wit? What does this mean?

anewme wrote: »

If it were me who forgot someone by accident, id make it my business to add them straight away and apologise. This is not what op is seeing, its niot ooking like an accident.

Which is exactly why she should make a pointed note of asking her in front of the class and the class lecturer if possible. Call her on her bs. "Hey Susie, I'm still not on the class whatsapp group. Can you add me now please? I've got my phone here, I'll wait to make sure I've been added".

Bullies don't like their shoddy behaviour being called out. They operate on the assumption that they've intimidated their victims sufficiently to be able to get away with acting as they please. This shows her 1. the OP is not going to tolerate it and 2. she's not afraid of her.

anewme · 03-02-2019 10:48pm

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Your wit? What does this mean?

Which is exactly why she should make a pointed note of asking her in front of the class and the class lecturer if possible. Call her on her bs. "Hey Susie, I'm still not on the class whatsapp group. Can you add me now please? I've got my phone here, I'll wait to make sure I've been added".

Bullies don't like their shoddy behaviour being called out. They operate on the assumption that they've intimidated their victims sufficiently to be able to get away with acting as they please. This shows her 1. the OP is not going to tolerate it and 2. she's not afraid of her.

Its a saying my Granny had fits a few different scenarios ( dont waste your energy, dint entertain her crap, dont let her know shes annoying you, its all she wants )

Id be normally full on for someone like that, but lately id be more inclined to follow the other approach and let the course guy sort it out.

Why?

Even building yourself up to confront someone like that brings stress on yourself that you dont need. Why stress yourself and waste your energy. The objective is to get added to the group. That is all. By going direct to the couse guy, Op is getting what she wants without any added stress on herself and without having to engage with someone shes tried three attempts to already. To me that would say im not taking any crap more than asking yet again.

If she said anything to me, id put her straight then, but this is very subtle sly bullying and op would be better not entertaining that person at all. By asking the course tutor she is equally saying, im not afraid of you and im not putting up eith crap plus im not entertaining your petty dramas as you arnt even on my radar.

valoren · 04-02-2019 12:51pm

Email the course coordinator and say;

The whatsapp group set up for co-ordinating between the class has one group admin assigned. I initially requested that my number be included in the group and after contacting (admin) I was informed that a mistake was initially made and my number was not included originally. Realising this I spoke to (admin) to have my number added but there was an issue with their phone. I provided my number to (admin) and my number has still not been added currently. As the group has one admin, and given the potential for issues with phones, it might be constructive for future classes that 2 admins be assigned to the whats app groups to prevent this.

Regards,
***

You're effectively asking the co-ordinator to co-ordinate, helping avoid similar scenarios in future and showing up the one admin politely.

LegacyUser · 04-02-2019 1:47pm

I'm not sure if the course coordinator or anyone in the college would get involved as it was something that was recommended as an aid but required. Did they pick this person to be admin or did they just volunteer? Unless there's course material that can only be accessed via this group the coordinator may just tell you to go speak to admin person for access.

Honestly OP I would just ask this admin person directly to add you and if they claim issue with their phone again ask if there is a reason they are failing to add you.

....... · 04-02-2019 5:51pm

leftoutofgroup wrote: »

I started a course last September. The course co-ordinator recommended that we set up a WhatsApp group between the students for support and for organising swaps in group sessions. Because of GPRD and data protection, this had to be between the students. A sheet of paper was passed around and we put our name and number on it if we wanted to be included in the WhatsApp group and someone was to set up the group.

Are there people who did not look to be included?

Is it a necessary part of the course? What exactly are you missing out on? If it was offered such that you didnt have to be included - then do you need it? I mean, you didnt notice til you specifically asked about it after Christmas so is not being in it going to affect your course work?

How was the person selected to set it up?

I think you have been given very good advice here. At this point you need to speak to the course co-ordinator and explain that despite repeated attempts you have not been added to the WhatsApp.

However, I suspect you may be fobbed off with "well its just among the students" and its not "official". And that no one who actually works for the college wants to take responsibility.

If thats the case you should go above the course co-ordinator and complain to the college itself that you are instructed to do join a non official group that no one in the college is taking responsibility for and you are being excluded - and that they, the college, needs to figure out ways of including all students and not leaving people open to this kind of nonsense.

In the meantime I would hold up every single class possible publicly asking to be brought up to date with the events on WhatsApp as you have not yet been included in the group.

LegacyUser · 04-02-2019 6:40pm

Thanks for the advice. I sent off an email today. While it could be all fairly innocent and genuine reasons for not being able to add me, I just find that having to ask three times is just too much and I don't want the chance to be fobbed off again. Hopefully I get help with this issue.

boredatwork82 · 10-02-2019 10:51am

Did you ask the bully why she is leaving you out of the group? People need to learn to deal with these type of situations.

Ask her to add you to the group while there, and if she refuses ask her why. Be insistant.

lawred2 · 10-02-2019 10:57am

Wrongway1985 wrote: »

Everyone has group chats for different purposes and yes some people may have to be excluded. Clearly not on that you've been excluded here as its specifically for the course. Think you may be making a mountain out of a molehill you don't seem to have sought the root of the issue take control yerself and you set up a WhatsApp group invite the same lot and if there's a problem with one don't dwell on it as long as you can share info with the rest, if there's a bigger problem it will be fully exposed that way then best time to contact your lecturer or whatever.

This is wrongheaded... The chat was set up for a purpose. The OP creating her own for the exact same purpose and inviting all the same people is just not going to work and would look plain weird really.

LegacyUser · 10-02-2019 12:51pm

I found out that she tried adding me on the third go when someone else asked in the WhatsApp group.

Except I wasn't added because she got a digit in my number wrong. So it looks as if she did add me and maybe nobody would notice.

So my number was in the WhatsApp group.
It's just a copy and paste job. I don't think it's even pasting, press on number and add to contacts. You don't even have to change the number.

The girl who asked in the group thought I was actually added until I said I wasn't and she went back and saw who was added and wrong phone number was added. She sent in another message to say that the wrong number was added. Very hard for a wrong number a second time. And I was eventually added on the fourth go.

Really not sure what's up with her. I'm just finding it hard to believe how on the third time being asked that she put my number in wrong. Guess she was running out of how to exclude me by the fourth time.

Very much looks like bullying to me. Glad I sent an email anyway in case anything happens or something is talked about and I wasn't a part of it. Staying out of her way if somebody can be that nasty.

Excluded from WhatsApp group

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