I think my career is over after admitting to work related stress.

LegacyUser · 07-01-2019 12:06PM #1

I think my career may be over after admitting to work related stress. I approached my Human Resource Department to tell them I’m suffering from work related stress. I’ve been very stressed for several months but I’ve been seeing a counsellor. Initially I didn’t want to make it known at work because I thought it might hamper future promotion prospects. I did however communicate some concerns in a constructive way to my line manager but none of these difficulties were ever addressed.

I very reluctantly made an appointment with HR when I felt I could no longer cope. My meeting with HR and a senior manager went very badly. They were very defensive and hostile towards me. They dismissed each and every difficulty I raised and they made it abundantly clear I was the problem not the organization. They claimed no other employees had work related stress. I know this not the case. I can’t quote examples here because my anonymity could be compromised. I know my claims are honest and I’ve raised nothing I can’t support.

Up until the meeting I was regarded as a star employee. I had an exemplary record but now I feel my career is over. I thought HR would assist me in someway but instead I’m bordering on suicidal since the meeting. I feel so angry with myself for seeking help and for believing the “it’s good to talk” shyte we’re bombarded with in everything from the employee handbook to weekend chat shows. I feel like my problems have doubled and I feel hopeless.

Have any of you encountered this response from your employer and how did you deal with it? I don’t want to leave my position. I have a large mortgage and a young family to support. Please please help me.

BBFAN · 07-01-2019 08:13PM

I understand completely where you're coming from OP.

We all assume HR are a department that's supposed to help employees when in reality it's a department that is there to protect the company at all costs.

I've also learned that to my expense.

However, your career is not over, just maybe in this company.

What I did in the same situation was accept that they didn't want to improve things and looked for alternative employment.

In the end I actually negotiated a pay-off from the company because they knew they would be serious **** if I'd brought them to a tribunal so it turned out sweet for me. New job, pay-off in the bank.

Please don't despair, there is always a solution. It's not easy but the jobs market is good at the moment. Just thread water and look for something else.

LegacyUser · 07-01-2019 08:27PM

<SNIP>

Hi,

Just wanted to say sorry to hear about your situation. I was in a similar position recently with management. I didn’t go to HR in the end because i just didn’t trust that they would support me.

For me, the situation got so bad that it really made me reassess some things in my life and I’ve pretty much decided to move on from my position and move to my home town where I think I’ll be happier, for now I’m still in the same situation but I feel better now that i know change will be come.

The things that helped me were seeing a doctor, time off, counselling, family support. I was then able to see the bigger picture for me.

Remember that things look worse cause you are under so much stress already. Once you find a way to look after yourself the HR thing will blow over. It’s likely in 6 months the meeting will be a distant memory (whether you are in the position or not)

Lots of luck

Wanderer2010 · 07-01-2019 08:29PM

<SNIP>

OP, Im very sorry you had to go through this, I really feel for you and I would like to give you some advice. You were not wrong to have this meeting and although it went very badly, it would actually be worse if you suffered on thinking that when you eventually collapsed or exploded from pent-up frustration, that HR would be there to help you. The brutal and cruel truth is that companies do not care about people, its all about the money. This image they have of sharing problems, working together and everyone reaching out is just a lie, most probably pushed on them by legal to hone an image that they care about mental health. That's why they were so hostile- HR are there to protect the company at all costs so naturally they will deny any wrongdoing and push it back onto you. This was doubly hurtful for you because you were so stressed at the time.

OP, I have been there, thinking that the warm fuzzy HR dept would surely help me, a human being in need, only to be snubbed and treated as if I was the source of all the problems and was being silly to bother them with such nonsense. You have a stark choice to make here OP- you need to look after number 1. If something is getting on top of you, repeat to yourself "Im simply not going to get stressed by this". Its just not worth it and at the end of the day, your company would have you replaced in a heartbeat if you dropped dead from stress. Make a pledge to not let your job get you stressed out. Don't be a slacker, just do what you can and go home again. If someone asks you to work late just say no, you cant. Seriously, just walk out at home time. Your company survived long before you and it will survive long after you. Don't allow your job to take over your life.

OP, you have learned a hard lesson about the workplace, namely that the people who do the most and work the hardest get all the biggest and toughest projects and the people who care the most suffer the most. Please take my advice here and take a big step back for the sake of your health and just do your bit, have a few laughs then go home again. I know it hurts now but I guarantee you that you will get through this and if you feel like moving on in a few months, then look around for something else, you sound like you would be snapped up. And in the meantime talk again to your counsellor about these intense feelings of despair, no job is worth your mental health. EVER. The best of luck to you OP and ill be thinking of you.

whiskeyman · 07-01-2019 08:29PM

What sort of stress is it?
Workload?
From other employees?
Bullying?
Would a change of company help?
Have you talked to other colleagues or friends about it?
Don't despair. You are going through a rough patch, but it will improve.

SirChenjin · 07-01-2019 08:58PM

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

OP, Im very sorry you had to go through this, I really feel for you and I would like to give you some advice. You were not wrong to have this meeting and although it went very badly, it would actually be worse if you suffered on thinking that when you eventually collapsed or exploded from pent-up frustration, that HR would be there to help you.

Please take my advice here and take a big step back for the sake of your health and just do your bit, have a few laughs then go home again. I know it hurts now but I guarantee you that you will get through this and if you feel like moving on in a few months, then look around for something else, you sound like you would be snapped up. And in the meantime talk again to your counsellor about these intense feelings of despair, no job is worth your mental health. EVER. The best of luck to you OP and ill be thinking of you.

+1 to this. You were not wrong to have the meeting. You did the right thing.

Can you take some time out on paid leave? I know you mentioned a mortgage etc. You may be able to take a mortgage break, some banks do that.

When you are suffering with stress, things seem like all or nothing. If you can take time out away from it all, and keep attending the counsellor, you will find your way back to good health.

When you do, and you will you will know that no job is worth your mental health.

Believe me when I say, lots of big companies have all the nice shiny policies in place re stress, or bullying or whatever else. The sad fact is that oftentimes they are just words on a page.

Take time out if you can at all.
Get yourself better, and you will be well able to take on the world again, in terms of your current job, or a new job, if that is what you decide.

All the best and take care.

tamara25 · 07-01-2019 10:32PM

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I was bullied years ago in my job, I stood up to someone more senior & this person held it against me & made my life hell afterwards for a few months. Went to hr & they were putting all the blame on me saying it was me who needed counseling!!! Anyhow things did work out for me after that. Could you take a career break for a period of time & look for something else?

08-01-2019 12:20AM

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

... Don't be a slacker, just do what you can and go home again. If someone asks you to work late just say no, you cant. Seriously, just walk out at home time. Your company survived long before you and it will survive long after you. Don't allow your job to take over your life.

This, very much this. Life is too short, and our healthier days surrounded by little kids and loving relationships shorter still.

qwerty13 · 08-01-2019 04:14AM

tamara25 wrote: »

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I was bullied years ago in my job, I stood up to someone more senior & this person held it against me & made my life hell afterwards for a few months. Went to hr & they were putting all the blame on me saying it was me who needed counseling!!! Anyhow things did work out for me after that. Could you take a career break for a period of time & look for something else?

As cynical as it sounds, I’d rather try to get support privately, to learn coping skills in order to stop being bullied.

As pointed out on this thread, HR are there to represent the employer. Not to help the employee. And unfortunately, in my experience, even if you have a cast iron case re being bullied, it will be held against you in terms of future promotions.

Hoboo · 08-01-2019 04:48AM

qwerty13 wrote: »

As cynical as it sounds, I’d rather try to get support privately, to learn coping skills in order to stop being bullied.

As pointed out on this thread, HR are there to represent the employer. Not to help the employee. And unfortunately, in my experience, even if you have a cast iron case re being bullied, it will be held against you in terms of future promotions.

As a HR professional I couldn't disagree more, although I concede it's quite often the case in small or old school departments. In every role I've been in there has been an EAP.in place, or I have introduced one. A poor HR team will of course revert to HR practice from the early 90's, but it's not in.their interest to do so. They either qualified in HR pre mid nineties when legislation. completely changed, and the whole concept of HR became people focused, or they just haven't a clue what they're supposed to be doing. By ignoring the employees reporting of stress and doing nothing is actually not looking after the company at all, it's putting them on extremely thin ice

I would strongly advise you speak to the WRC for initial information (they can't advise you, only state your legal position and entitlement) then either a HR consultancy or employment law expert, I don't know the full story so it's impossible to guage what advice to give, and as it would take time and meetings it would be of little value.

Check your contract, see about sick pay. Nexy step is to reiterate your issue. If it can't or won't be resolved (within reason) it's time to walk, no notice, and look at constructive dismissal.

Stress is taken extremely seriously by the WRC et al if you were to.lodge an official complaint with them......you have far more rights and support than you realise (neither does your employer by the sounds of it).

But I would seek professional advice first, it's a legal minefield.....following procedure and timing is key.

I'd also see a doctor. Don't let it manifest. Dr Aine Tubridy has some great books too which might be of help, Easons stock them. Best of luck.

Finchie1276 · 08-01-2019 06:45AM

Hi

I wanted to say you did the right thing, not the easy thing. Am not surprised at the workplace reaction. It is however your right to state your needs and if stress from work is part of the issue then it needs to be said. There is lots of good advice above and I would speak to a good employment law solicitor and the WRC to make a case. THat seems like the last thing you might want to do but you have played ball and they have not.

Do not think you did the wrong thing - we are in the dark ages in Ireland with most HR Depts being very much unable to deal with issues such as these.

Berserker · 08-01-2019 10:40AM

my last hope wrote: »

I think my career may be over after admitting to work related stress.

It's probably over at that company and getting a positive reference from your current employer may be an issue but your career isn't over by any means. Admitting to work related stress or to any weakness, wasn't a good move though. Many years ago, a senior (public) figure I dealt with told me to find a non-work related outlet through which I could vent my frustrations; whether it's sport, music or whatever. I'm a drummer, so that was easy for me. He told me that I should "never let the bastards see that they are getting to you, no matter how bad you feel" and he was 100% correct. Forget about all the sh1t that management and HR tell you about being available to discuss anything.

Just want to add that the issue here is not with you. On a personal level, you did the right thing. HR departments, management and the working culture in Ireland are not capable of dealing with this properly, unfortunately.

my last hope wrote: »

Have any of you encountered this response from your employer and how did you deal with it? I don’t want to leave my position. I have a large mortgage and a young family to support. Please please help me.

I had to deal with employees in your situation, as a manager. On finding out that an employee suffered with stress, the organisation I worked for went on the attack pretty quickly. HR & legal would meet with us and we'd make sure we had our asses covered from a legal perspective. A meeting would take place with the employee, which progressed just like yours did. I hated it from a personal perspective and one of these meetings, a meeting with a person who was coming out as transgender, resulted in me leaving management.

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

OP, you have learned a hard lesson about the workplace, namely that the people who do the most and work the hardest get all the biggest and toughest projects and the people who care the most suffer the most.

This is so true. One of the lads I used to manage always complained that he never got a look in when management roles came up. I could never tell him the truth when I managed him; I ended up giving him some BS management response. The real reason why he wasn't promoted was because he is far too strong a programmer and the company would not be able to replace him. He resolved and prevented countless mess ups in my time there but he was pushed to the back when the project got delivered and the praise was being rolled out.

LegacyUser · 08-01-2019 01:48PM

Thanks everyone for your words of advice and support. Special thanks to Hoboo for their post.

You have all helped me see that I do have options and it’s not all over for me.

Going to see HR was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done during my working life. I’ve always found it impossible to ask for help. I had pinned all my hopes on HR listening and asking what assistance I might need. Instead my troubles were doubled and the following day my workload was increased. I felt I was being punished for being weak.

During the Christmas break from work I found myself looking up the death in service benefit entitlements. I realise now how dangerous that pattern of thinking was. I had believed if you were honest, hardworking and had integrity you would have nothing to fear from seeking assistance from HR but now I know their first duty has to be to the company. Knowing this has eased some of the distress I am feeling.

I’ve made an appointment to see my counsellor and I may need to see my doctor. I’ve never taken sick leave but I’ve reached a point where I may have to consider this option. Thanks once again for helping me see the situation differently.

BBFAN · 08-01-2019 06:44PM

Hoboo wrote: »

As a HR professional I couldn't disagree more, although I concede it's quite often the case in small or old school departments. In every role I've been in there has been an EAP.in place, or I have introduced one. A poor HR team will of course revert to HR practice from the early 90's, but it's not in.their interest to do so. They either qualified in HR pre mid nineties when legislation. completely changed, and the whole concept of HR became people focused, or they just haven't a clue what they're supposed to be doing. By ignoring the employees reporting of stress and doing nothing is actually not looking after the company at all, it's putting them on extremely thin ice

I would strongly advise you speak to the WRC for initial information (they can't advise you, only state your legal position and entitlement) then either a HR consultancy or employment law expert, I don't know the full story so it's impossible to guage what advice to give, and as it would take time and meetings it would be of little value.

Check your contract, see about sick pay. Nexy step is to reiterate your issue. If it can't or won't be resolved (within reason) it's time to walk, no notice, and look at constructive dismissal.

Stress is taken extremely seriously by the WRC et al if you were to.lodge an official complaint with them......you have far more rights and support than you realise (neither does your employer by the sounds of it).

But I would seek professional advice first, it's a legal minefield.....following procedure and timing is key.

I'd also see a doctor. Don't let it manifest. Dr Aine Tubridy has some great books too which might be of help, Easons stock them. Best of luck.

Fair play to you in the approach you take but I would suggest it's not the norm, remember the majority of businesses in Ireland are SME's so their bottom line is their profit and they certainly do take the old-fashioned approach of protecting the companies interests at all costs.

SirChenjin · 08-01-2019 07:38PM

my last hope wrote: »

I’ve made an appointment to see my counsellor and I may need to see my doctor. I’ve never taken sick leave but I’ve reached a point where I may have to consider this option.Thanks once again for helping me see the situation differently.

Please do see your doctor.
Tell them what has happened and what you have just said about looking up death in service benefits.

As I said in my earlier post, when you are stressed, as you undoubtedly are, your thinking can become very 'all or nothing'. 'My career is over' for example.

When you have time out and have attended further sessions with your counsellor, things will seem much more doable. No company, and no job is worth your mental health, and tbh, they have treated you pretty badly.

If you broke a limb, you would have no option but to take time out. Think of it that way. And the workplace would still have to run on, in your absence, until you got back to full health.

Please take care and put yourself first in all of this.

BBFAN · 08-01-2019 07:52PM

I know people mean well in here when they tell the OP to take time off and feck the consequences but this is not always easy when there's no sick pay and you have a mortgage to pay.

The most practical advice is if you HAVE to stick it out (and a lot of people do). Just go in, do your job, try shut out the bullies, clock out on time every day, and look for something else in the meantime.

Please bear in mind when you're advising people to just walk out that it can cause a lot more stress to not be able to pay your mortgage.

Fakediamond · 08-01-2019 09:30PM

If you decide to take sick leave, will you put work related stress or just stress as the reason? It might be significant if you end up taking a case in the future. You’ve taken the right decision to ask for help, first from your manager, then HR and, if you decide to take a break from the pressure, I would think it’s important to have it documented as a work related illness. Others might advise against this?

Taking time out will give you headspace to think about your future and even to look around at the job market when you’ve had a rest. It’s very hard to think clearly when you’re working flat out all the time and probably arriving home exhausted and depleted.

I wish employers would realise that a happy and motivated workforce will be the gift that keeps on giving.

Best of luck to you.

BBFAN · 08-01-2019 09:31PM

Why in every thread here does the OP disappear? Very annoying.

wiggle16 · 09-01-2019 12:45AM

BBFAN wrote: »

Why in every thread here does the OP disappear? Very annoying.

Mod note:

Hi BBFAN,

I realise you are relatively new to PI/RI. I'd like to give you a friendly reminder that the OP is under no obligation to provide updates to posters nor to respond to posts in the thread. It's specifically against the charter to request updates from the OP too.
An OP may not have a response or update to give or may not wish to provide any further information, in case it would compromise their anonymity. I understand this can be frustrating but it's just a part of the nature of this forum.

Either way, the thread is not the right place to bring this up. Personal Issues has a feedback thread where you can raise issues with the forum you want to discuss, if you so wish.

Thanks & grma

Wiggle

tamara25 · 09-01-2019 08:30AM

I did a course on bullying years ago that was provided through work. Unfortunately there will always be a certain amount of it going on in jobs. Where I work it would be swept under the carpet & more senior staff wouldn’t want to know. Sad but true as I learned the hard way myself. The guy who gave the course said it is very bad in the health service as you have so many different grades & types of workers there. The 2nd place he mentioned was in teaching which I was shocked at, teachers bullying other teachers. If your reasonably happy in your job count your blessings.

Sheog · 09-01-2019 02:57PM

Op, I really feel for you and your situation. I hope that you can take some comfort that (unfortunately) many people go through this sort of thing at some stage in their career. You can see that from all the supportive comments in this thread alone!

I can assure you from experience that suffering from work related stress absolutely does not end your career, and actually does not necessary mean it will result in an end of opportunities within your current organisation either.

About 5-6 years ago I went through a year of work related stress. I was new to the company and to the role which was a significant step up for me, and I was not given any training or the chance to develop by my then manager. I was constantly, unfairly singled out and made to feel like I was going to be fired. Everything I did was scrutinized, everything I said (or didn't say) was constantly questioned to the point that I was in a constant spin, leading to me second guessing myself and making more and more mistakes. Eventually it got so bad that I went to HR for an informal chat/ advice and I can say that the person I spoke to off the record was very helpful.

They talked me through all sorts of options: from talking to my manager with someone from HR in the room, to talking to my director with HR with and for them to talk to my manager. In the end I decided I needed to confront my manager myself first, to give him the chance to change, and HR helped me to structure that discussion. Long story short I had a very difficult 2 hour meeting with him on my own. Similar to your experience, he blamed my stress and everything else on me... but the following week he treated me completely differently. Obviously he took on board what I was saying. I have remained in the company since then and I have been promoted twice. I am really happy here now and have managed to maintain a civil relationship with my old manager.

The point of my long winded story is that you are doing the right thing by flagging it to HR and to your manager. They have a duty of care and should work with you to find workable solutions.

I also have a very close friend who whet through a similar situation to yourself (and this is probably) more relevant to you.
She was under enormous pressure, working from 7am to 10pm during the week and working from home over the weekends. In the company she worked for she was eventually given a long promised promotion, but they left her drowning in administration and then brought her in-front of HR to say that she wasn't performing in the new role. (Basically she was left with all the same workload from her previous role, but expected to deliver un-achievable targets in her new roll.)

She became so stressed over time that I was worried she would end up in hospital. Eventually she left on stress leave of her own accord for a few weeks and when she went back she handed in her notice. (Even though she had no new job to go to at the time.) When she handed in her notice, her 'superiors' did everything they could think of to try to keep her. (Obviously they were sh1tting it, and worried about legal action!) She left on good terms in the end, and that gave her mental health space she needed to put herself back together, rebuild her confidence and go after her dream job. She has been in her new job for over a year now and has never looked back.

I hope this helps you in someway to see that there is hope, and that everything will be ok. Best of luck Op!

okatied · 09-01-2019 08:13PM

Check your companies policies on sick leave and critical illness. I was able to take 1 year off sick due to work related stress using the critical illness policy with 66% of my salary. It allowed me the time to sort myself out, but I never went back to the same company. My reputation was ruined there

qwerty13 · 10-01-2019 12:45AM

Maybe I am too cynical, but re Sheog’s post, I don’t believe for one second that it was off the record.

The company that Sheog was with may have been more open to examining potential solutions, but I’m afraid I do think that HR do that with a view to minimising any potential WRC type scenario.

Sheep Shagger · 10-01-2019 08:54AM

qwerty13 wrote: »

but I’m afraid I do think that HR do that with a view to minimising any potential WRC type scenario.

It's not cynical to think this at all.

Was in a similar situation, went to HR...was like hitting a head against a brick wall. Work ended up taking over my life as couldnt stop thinking about the issues, neefed tablets to sleep etc, it turned out to be a vicious circle.

Really didnt want to leave but pretty much had no choice if I was to regain my life again. Might sound dramatic but believe me it isnt. Was a very dark time in my life, one I never want to repeat.

Could have gone to the WRC and had legal advice I'd win but was concerned that Dublin is small in the industry I'm in and it could ultimately cost me.

Just kept head down until something else came up, and OP believe me it will, its easier to find a job when you are in one (and the mortgage is being paid!). Moved jobs, ended up getting a pay rise (money never came into it though) and while I didnt get any payoff its behind me now and I have ny life and family back and that's worth everything.

Good luck.

I think my career is over after admitting to work related stress.

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