Is this a bad sign?

SeptemberBaby · 17-11-2018 05:34PM #1

I was seeing a guy for 4 months. First 2 were great, we were both all in. I heard a lot about his ex, they were together 4 years and have been broken up 2 after she cheated. It turns out she lost a baby, then they broke up after she cheated and then she lost a second one. They speak occasionally now and text. He says he never had a good feeling about her and has learned what he does and doesn't want. Their photos are still on Facebook as are messages she posted celebrating their anniversaries. She knows about me and they still message. He spoke about her a lot. I knew loads about her!
He broke up with me a month ago, saying he didn't feel the way he should or excited anymore but asked after 4 days could we try again as he felt he broke It off too quickly. But his anxiety was kicking off big time since we got back together. We were taking it slowly, he can't stay over most nights because he got anxious. He could be very affectionate by text but when we were together I can tell he was on edge. He broke up with me again, saying he saw no future. He wants to be friends but I don't think we should be. I like him too much.l and I just know he'll either tell me all about his new dates or ignore me.
I am driving myself mental here but was I fighting losing battle from the start? I am not perfect, his anxiety triggered mine and I kept my worries about us inside as I felt the few times i did bring it up made me and him more anxious. The last night he was with me we were telling each other how precious we were and he talked about us starting a class together. Then 4 days later he calls over to says we are just friends and he sees no future in us.

I make him sound like a prick but he was funny, kind and sensitive. The few times I did say I am.down he was very sympathetic. I think he thought we had a very different sense of humour and he was really struggling with his anxiety lately. He wanted fun and banter, I am a bit more serious. Plus I felt his anxiety was bringing me down as I never knew what form he would be in. Do I cut and run? Or do I hold out?

LegacyUser · 17-11-2018 06:12PM

Hey, sorry to hear. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong, but he's using you to deal with his ex/baggage. This is what he's asking you to do: be my emotional support but I don't have to commit, I can talk through all my issues concerning my ex, get comfort from you, but you get nothing out of it except having to listen to my crap, make me feel better while you yourself feel like **** about the situation and get more anxious and depressed as I dont value you. ..'and you know deep down he'll leave once he feels better about himself/finds someone worth investing in. It's normal for your heart to reach out to someone in pain and you want to make him feel better but don't do it at the expense of your own happiness, he can't give you what you need

Idle Passerby · 17-11-2018 06:15PM

He's a headwrecking mess. He's dumped you twice in the 4 months you've been together and goes on about an ex from 2 years ago. Have some respect for yourself and draw a line under it.

wiggle16 · 17-11-2018 06:15PM

Ah here, OP....

It's not a bad sign of anything. He's just an arsehole. Sorry but that's the truth. Why are you tolerating this carry on?

Cut your losses and go out and find someone who is willing to treat you with a little bit of respect and decency - or in other words, someone who will treat you the way you would treat them and the way you deserve.

Don't be silly, be rid of him.

Best of luck OP.

Porklife · 17-11-2018 06:17PM

Hold out for what? He told you he sees no future with you and you don't excite him. Come on Op, you deserve somebody who is crazy about you and can't see their future without you in it!
Saying you don't excite him is really mean too. You deserve so much more than this. Definitely run a mile and don't look back. I know it's hard but really Op, you know what you've gotta do x

buried · 17-11-2018 09:47PM

Do yourself a serious solid and be rid of this useless headmelt flip flop and be about the agenda of getting rid of it quick.
This guy is trying to infect you with his baggage and torment over his last relationship and does not give a monkeys uncle about your feelings whatsoever. Be rid of it. Sounds like a total nightmare. Get rid and you'll be laughing in time for Christmas. Stick with it and you'll be ever more dragged into this clowns noise. Look after yourself.

SeptemberBaby · 25-11-2018 04:10PM

OP here. Thanks everyone for your advice. 5 weeks now and no word from him so it looks like my decision is made any way. I wish I could see it like you all do but all I can think about is his last bad panic attack, when I let him go home alone and then he texted first. I feel awful, I should have checked in on him. When we next met, he explained that he was coming down from some coke and apologised but I never apologised for having let him deal with it alone or contact him first the next day or insist that we met up. It's funny how only with distance we realise the mistakes we make. And I guess that is why I am so sad over the break up. He was so open and kind and forgiving.

Ursus Horribilis · 25-11-2018 04:24PM

Seriously, do you really want to hook your wagon to someone who's suffering panic attacks and takes coke? That on top of everything else You're better off without him.

QueenRizla · 25-11-2018 04:51PM

SeptemberBaby wrote: »

When we next met, he explained that he was coming down from some coke and apologised but I never apologised for having let him deal with it alone or contact him first the next day or insist that we met up. It's funny how only with distance we realise the mistakes we make. And I guess that is why I am so sad over the break up. He was so open and kind and forgiving.

Mistakes you made? He is having panic attacks, anxiety and mood swings, dumping you and having aggressive come downs from ragers (all in the so called honeymoon period) He is completely unstable and you have very low standards for yourself, that equals a dysfunctional mess of a relationship. Count yourself lucky and work on your self esteem.

Katgurl · 27-11-2018 03:52PM

Op I really hate when I hear tired old cliches trotted out like "women love a project" but this really does seem to apply to you.

The previous posters have all outlined why he doesn't deserve you. Read then reread.

Big Bag of Chips · 27-11-2018 06:19PM

What had you to apologise for? Seriously, do you think it is somehow your job to hold his hand and rub his back while he comes down, all the while telling you how you don't quite live up to his magnificent ex?

The fact that you are still holding our hoping he'll contact you shows how dysfunctional this relationship really was. It also shows how little you expect from a relationship.

27-11-2018 10:06PM

The best lesson in love I’ve learned is that if someone really wants to be with you, nothing will stop them or come in the way. Stop making excuses for this guy. If you sense hesitance or that someone isn’t interested, believe them and cut your losses. You deserve better!

SeptemberBaby · 07-12-2018 06:14PM

Hi guys. OP here.

Update on the situation. He texted after no.contact for nearly 6 weeks, saying he was so sorry for everything and how he had really wanted it it work out, for the first time since his ex. He really wanted to be friends and repair the damage. We chatted a bit, he said he was doing well but then a few texts later said he had been having really bad panic attacks all week.

The following Monday I texted him to wish him good luck in work and he replied that he was in hospital having an MRI as a CT scan had shown a lump on his brain! I rang him and he got a bit narky saying there was no need to ring him. Wr chatted for a bit. Two days later he said he was still in having further invesigations. We were texting all day and then he started talking about how horny he was having been in hospital all week. He then texted how great sex was between us and how he felt he would explode. Then completely retracted it and apologised for his inappropriateness.

Yestersay, we were texting away and I made a joke about him having to give me a.lift.somewhere and he said he would. I repeated that I was only joking and he said just ad well I am so horny I might throw myself at you. We texted a bit more. Then he stopped answering. I haven't heard from him since.

My head and heart is completely wreaked.

Ursus Horribilis · 07-12-2018 06:25PM

Well, you have been warned about what he's like. If you want your head wrecked, stay in touch with him.

SeptemberBaby · 07-12-2018 06:29PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Well, you have been warned about what he's like. If you want your head wrecked, stay in touch with him.

I know. Blocked and deleted.

ginandtonicsky · 07-12-2018 06:33PM

Jesus christ OP you're torturing yourself at this stage. You do know you don't have to give complete control of your happiness and peace of mind to this guy and whether or not he texts you and drip feeds you crumbles of affection on a day-to-day basis? Like, that's entirely your choice to allow him that amount of a hold over you?

He's using you for sex / the fantasy of sex and affection as and when he needs it for his own reasons. He may be going through a sh1t time in life (although tbh he sounds so unstable I'm not sure what I'd believe), but he's demonstrated very clearly that he's got nothing real or meaningful or worthy to offer you. I mean what more do you need to see that here - a graph perhaps?

Six weeks of nothing and then he's alternating between barking at you for expressing human concern over his apparent grave medical situation and telling you how horny he is. Does that align with what you want and need from a partner?

Big Bag of Chips · 08-12-2018 11:10AM

So after not contacting you for 6 weeks, he gets back in touch with a sort of apology, but still cant manage to not mention his ex.

If he is in hospital with a lump on his brain then it is very possible that he is saying things he doesn't fully mean. The brain is delicate and complex, and anything out of the ordinary with it can cause erratic and unstable behaviour.

You don't know this fella well enough, and don't have enough of a history with him to take this on. He is a manic depressive cocaine addict with anxiety issues and ongoing brain investigations. This is not your responsibility. He has family and friends who are better placed to support him. Do not weaken and make contact with him. He doesn't care about you, not really. All he cares about is having his needs met. And that means keeping you on a string that he can let go so far, and then reel you back in to toy with for another while.

As another poster mentioned, you don't need to hand him control of your happiness. You can decide that all the messing around is making you uncertain and unhappy and you decide that you're not taking anymore.

Relationships shouldn't be this messy.

LegacyUser · 08-12-2018 03:37PM

Do we know the same guy?? Went through something so similar, OP (right down to the "big drama" in his life excuse), and blocking and deleting really is the only way forward. He is so incredibly disrespectful to you, the cheek of him trying to get sex/sexting when he hasn't spoken to you in so long. Dropping that as bait and seeing how you'll respond. I would think he's chancing his arm and seeing what he can get away with. Everyone deserves someone who is decent and respectful towards them and this guy is none of those things. Stay well away!

SeptemberBaby · 09-12-2018 09:26AM

OP here. You are all right and I really appreciate the replies. Those comments about not accepting crumbs were really powerful. Onwards and upwards.

Is this a bad sign?

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