2nd date, zero experience

LegacyUser · 17-11-2018 11:34AM #1

Good news - on Wednesday I went on a first date with a woman I've known for a few months, it seemed to go well, and we've arranged the time and place for a second date! Bad news - I'm worried about negotiating the second date because despite recently reaching the age of 27 I have zero past experience of this stuff - no dates, no kisses, nothing. (To cut a long story short, for a couple of reasons I missed out on that part of life and a lot of other "normal" things in my teens - by the time I was in my 20s and did have the opportunity to put myself out there I was way behind and lacking confidence, and pretty much gave up on it for a few years).

Fortunately I'm in a better place now and I went into the first date with a mindset that we were there to have fun, and if it didn't work out it would still be good experience. Obviously I did some things right because conversation flowed easily, we both seemed to enjoy ourselves, and we now have a second date set. I think she knows I'm not necessarily the most experienced and she doesn't seem put off, but I doubt she realises just how total my lack of experience is. Not even having kissed before is clearly outside the norm for a 27-year-old man, while she is 30 and has much more experience as you would expect.

What I'm really worried about is physical contact - there was no hand-holding or kissing or anything on the first date, but I feel like she will expect it if the second date does turn out well. And that it will then be horribly obvious that I literally haven't a notion about how to make a move let alone the basic technique of the actual act of kissing or whatever. I'm intending to go in with a positive mindset like on the first date, but do want to prepare as best as I can, so any advice would be appreciated.

LegacyUser · 17-11-2018 02:14PM

I wouldn't worry about technique, your body will know what to do so just trust it and go with the flow. I would advise paying attention and mimicking her body language ie if she pulls back then do the same, if she snuggles in then likewise. Let her lead but match her, the best kiss/sex is when you feel like it's a conversation.

As for making a move, don't overthink! It's still just the second date so she prob won't be expecting anything just yet, but try read her signals, if she's making excuses to touch you or stand a bit closer than normal, holds eye contact longer than normal, smiles for no reason, then she's probably digging the date. Good luck!

Mr. Incognito · 19-11-2018 11:48AM

Personally I would tell her.

It's out in the open, you dont need to feel self conscious or worry about what to do. I'm sure she will be willing to show you

and I imagine most ladies would be tickled pink to hear that their crush was inexperienced. Lads are usually braggin in the other direction.

....... · 20-11-2018 12:01PM

Tell her!

Absolutely tell her!

You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about but if you tell her then you can avoid awkwardness of not knowing what to do which could be misread of not wanting to do things.

So just tell her that you dont have any experience with women but you know you like her and youd like to kiss her.

Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know and if she wants to kiss you she will.

LolaJJ · 20-11-2018 02:02PM

Hey OP,

My advice would be to relax. Second dates are a lot easier than firsts, both people can be a little more confident that the other is interested and wants to be there.

The expectation is ZERO. Everyone moves at a different pace, I'm slow to warm up and waited until the every end of date 4 before I let my now-boyfriend kiss me on the lips. It drove him mad but I didn't event realise I was doing it. We laugh about it now.

You just do what you feel comfortable doing and if this woman is a potential match, she will understand. And yea, tell her! No harm in saying"I haven't done this much, I'm pretty nervous" That's so endearing.

ElizaBennett · 20-11-2018 06:27PM

Do not tell her! No way..at least not complete truth. No problem to say you're not the most experienced but really what will it achieve? I'd imagine it would only make you self conscious and nervous. Once you've kissed her, even for only a few seconds, that will be out of the way and you'll no longer be the guy who's never kissed anyone. Then you can stop worrying about that and move on with dating, either her or the next person.
You sound like you have a great outlook and you're doing brilliantly. I would not want to know my date had never kissed anyone. No way. She won't be able to tell so why introduce possible awkwardness. Please take my advice x

santana75 · 20-11-2018 06:57PM

veriton wrote: »

What I'm really worried about is physical contact - there was no hand-holding or kissing or anything on the first date,

No physical contact? Let me just tell you that its ok to touch this girl. You dont need to be stand offish and fearful. You wont break her. Its ok to touch her on the arm or hands or shoulders for a start. Trust me theres a date with no touching and then theres a date with touching. The latter will send things onto another level of enjoyment for her and you, the former will just be a pleasant neutral interaction between two people. So get close to her physically on the second date. No tables between you, just you and her in close proximity. Without touching there'll be no charge or excitement, it will be ordinary and more than likely not go to another date.

MightyMandarin · 22-11-2018 02:02AM

santana75 wrote: »

No physical contact? Let me just tell you that its ok to touch this girl. You dont need to be stand offish and fearful. You wont break her. Its ok to touch her on the arm or hands or shoulders for a start. Trust me theres a date with no touching and then theres a date with touching. The latter will send things onto another level of enjoyment for her and you, the former will just be a pleasant neutral interaction between two people. So get close to her physically on the second date. No tables between you, just you and her in close proximity. Without touching there'll be no charge or excitement, it will be ordinary and more than likely not go to another date.

Sorry but this is complete rubbish imo. I was in a similar predicament to OP when I first started seeing my girlfriend (kissed 2 or 3 girls when drunk but never been in a relationship with anyone until 22) and it took about 3 dates before things kicked off at all. Before that it was literally 2 people spending several hours together talking and doing stuff, just getting to know each other. I didn't spend the entire time worrying about making physical contact though I was definitely anxious about it deep down like OP is, and if I'd read stuff like this it would have affected me a lot more tbh.

OP, don't focus on doing anything at all. The idea of the 'rules' of dating is rubbish and for as much as there are norms about the man trying to progress to a certain point, there are also norms in the opposite direction for you. It's perfectly fine as a man to just take your time and not feel like you have to do the pushing. My girlfriend is actually much more physically intimate than I am in general and admitted she found it a bit odd in the beginning, but I just learned to become more like that naturally in my own time.

Just forget about your past and relative inexperience, if you like being around her and she likes being around you then nothing else matters really. Also if she asks you about your past, then just be honest that you're crap with women. You'd be surprised how refreshing women find it when I literally just tell the truth that way. If she doesn't ask you though, then there's no need to mention it either - it's not important information at all tbh.

2nd date, zero experience

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