What would you do if your 15-year old daughter......

Snickers Man · 02-10-2018 12:23pm #1

Here's a probable scenario. Your 15 year old daughter goes to a party in a friend's house. Some of the kids there are a few years older than her. One of the boys, aged 17, who has had a couple of beers decides that he likes the look of your pretty daughter and inveigles her into a bedroom whereupon he throws her on the bed and tries to pull her clothes off against her will.

She resists and tries to scream, he puts her hand over her mouth and, in the presence of another friend continues what is by any sense of the term a sexual assault. Your daughter manages to break free and escapes from the room.

When she gets home, deeply traumatised, she confides in you as caring and sensitive modern parent(s) what has happened. So what do you do?

a) call the police and make a complaint

b) tell her to get over herself, that boys will be boys, they're only after one thing and what were you thinking about going to a party with older alcohol-swilling teenagers while you were dressed in that getup

c) sympathise with her, tell her it's a regrettable rite of passage and to bide her time. If he ever arises to a position of responsibility we'll take that skeleton out of his closet and rattle it in front of the general public

d) comfort and reassure her, tell her that regardless of youth and inexperience that sort of behaviour is unacceptable for any young man, insist that he is confronted with it in the presence of his parents and/or schoolteachers if appropriate, demand an apology from him and make it clear that he is never to think of indulging in such behaviour again, that no more will be said about it unless it becomes known that he has repeated the deed in which case this will be made known to whoever is the subsequent wronged party?

I would like to think that I would have chosen option d, if my daughter were ever the victim of such an assault and that if my son had ever done such a thing (both are long past their teens now) the parents of the girl in question would have behaved similarly with us. We would have been most grateful to them, and would have made clear to him the severity of what he had done.

I also like to think we would have equipped him with enough cop-on and manners that he would never have thought of doing such a thing in the first place but the world is a dangerous place.

What do any parents here think?

I know, this is probably not a political thread in itself but given what is going on in the US Senate at the moment.....

super_furry · 02-10-2018 12:26pm

"He throws her on the bed and tries to pull her clothes off against her will. She resists and tries to scream, he puts her hand over her mouth and, in the presence of another friend continues what is by any sense of the term a sexual assault. Your daughter manages to break free and escapes from the room."

So the forcible attempted rape of a minor, by someone who is of the age of consent? Yeah I'm calling the police.

Personally think it's very, very odd and more than a little unsettling that you'd be so kind and gentle to someone who tried to rape your daughter.

uck51js9zml2yt · 02-10-2018 12:28pm

Is this politics or personal issues ?

I'm confused

02-10-2018 12:29pm

I'm not a parent but I'm fairly sure that if someone committed a sexual assault against my ( non existent) daughter, then I would be reporting that crime to the gardai.

Mean Laqueefa · 02-10-2018 12:31pm

You get his name and you beat 7 shades of ****e out of him

Penn · 02-10-2018 12:33pm

Would depend on what my daughter wanted. As much as I'd opt for a) and advise her to do so, if she didn't want to go to the police about it or have a meeting about it with his parents or school headmaster etc, I wouldn't force her to.

Snickers Man · 02-10-2018 12:34pm

Mean Laqueefa wrote: »

You get his name and you beat 7 shades of ****e out of him

I was thinking of making that option 5.

And I'm sure it would be a popular one. But still not the best one.

lawred2 · 02-10-2018 12:34pm

Snickers Man wrote: »

Here's a probable scenario. Your 15 year old daughter goes to a party in a friend's house. Some of the kids there are a few years older than her. One of the boys, aged 17, who has had a couple of beers decides that he likes the look of your pretty daughter and inveigles her into a bedroom whereupon he throws her on the bed and tries to pull her clothes off against her will.

She resists and tries to scream, he puts her hand over her mouth and, in the presence of another friend continues what is by any sense of the term a sexual assault. Your daughter manages to break free and escapes from the room.

When she gets home, deeply traumatised, she confides in you as caring and sensitive modern parent(s) what has happened. So what do you do?

a) call the police and make a complaint

b) tell her to get over herself, that boys will be boys, they're only after one thing and what were you thinking about going to a party with older alcohol-swilling teenagers while you were dressed in that getup

c) sympathise with her, tell her it's a regrettable rite of passage and to bide her time. If he ever arises to a position of responsibility we'll take that skeleton out of his closet and rattle it in front of the general public

d) comfort and reassure her, tell her that regardless of youth and inexperience that sort of behaviour is unacceptable for any young man, insist that he is confronted with it in the presence of his parents and/or schoolteachers if appropriate, demand an apology from him and make it clear that he is never to think of indulging in such behaviour again, that no more will be said about it unless it becomes known that he has repeated the deed in which case this will be made known to whoever is the subsequent wronged party?

I would like to think that I would have chosen option d, if my daughter were ever the victim of such an assault and that if my son had ever done such a thing (both are long past their teens now) the parents of the girl in question would have behaved similarly with us. We would have been most grateful to them, and would have made clear to him the severity of what he had done.

I also like to think we would have equipped him with enough cop-on and manners that he would never have thought of doing such a thing in the first place but the world is a dangerous place.

What do any parents here think?

I know, this is probably not a political thread in itself but given what is going on in the US Senate at the moment.....

You can't be serious?

Your concern would be for the assailant?

Are you that clouded by your agendas?

pinktoe · 02-10-2018 12:36pm

Why is b even an option?

It's never the victims fault, ffs no one wants to be raped or assaulted.

Be there for her and find out the little pricks name.

Snickers Man · 02-10-2018 12:36pm

lawred2 wrote: »

You can't be serious?

Your concern would be for the assailant?

Are you that clouded by your agendas?

I don't have an "agenda" on this. I am a parent. And I have been a 17 year old boy (a long time ago).

What is the best option for all concerned?

super_furry · 02-10-2018 12:37pm

Honestly the more I read this post the more bizarre it becomes.

What does "I also like to think we would have equipped him with enough cop-on and manners that he would never have thought of doing such a thing in the first place but the world is a dangerous place," even mean?

You tried to raise him right but because 'the world is a dangerous place', he might just try to rape children?

super_furry · 02-10-2018 12:38pm

Snickers Man wrote: »

I don't have an "agenda" on this. I am a parent. And I have been a 17 year old boy (a long time ago).

What is the best option for all concerned?

To keep you miles away from making any kind of decisions when it comes to sexual assault and rape.

The Talking Bread · 02-10-2018 12:38pm

Wtf? ??

"Get over yourself "

What sort of bizarre and f*cked up response would that be too say to a child who has been sexually assaulted.

Troll thread

prawnsambo · 02-10-2018 12:39pm

Snickers Man wrote: »

I don't have an "agenda" on this. I am a parent. And I have been a 17 year old boy (a long time ago).

What is the best option for all concerned?

The problem with reported cases of sexual assault (and you have described one) is the abysmally low conviction rates. It's a lot of trauma for the victim, with little or no chance of justice being done. So I'd probably take the beat the living sh1te option.

Chips Lovell · 02-10-2018 12:39pm

If you're referring to Ford, she said didn't tell her parents. Your question about what would you do if you were her parents doesn't take account of that.

For a very long time, I was too afraid and ashamed to tell anyone these details. I did not want to tell my parents that I, at age 15, was in a house without any parents present, drinking beer with boys.

The sad fact of the matter is that a lot of people who've been sexually assaulted as teenagers, even a lot more recently than 1982, never tell their parents.

lawred2 · 02-10-2018 12:41pm

Snickers Man wrote: »

I don't have an "agenda" on this. I am a parent. And I have been a 17 year old boy (a long time ago).

What is the best option for all concerned?

you clearly do...

you see it as an unfortunate event for the lad more than you do the girl

Snickers Man · 02-10-2018 12:41pm

pinktoe wrote: »

Why is b even an option?

It's never the victims fault, ffs no one wants to be raped or assaulted.

Be there for her and find out the little pricks name.

It wasn't a suggestion, still less a recommendation.

I don't think much of option c either, but that's a topical one.

Zulu · 02-10-2018 12:43pm

Mean Laqueefa wrote: »

You get his name and you beat 7 shades of ****e out of him

This.
And then call the guards.

Dytalus · 02-10-2018 12:43pm

The Talking Bread wrote: »

Wtf? ??

"Get over yourself "

What sort of bizarre and f*cked up response would that be too say to a child who has been sexually assaulted.

Troll thread

I'd imagine that's in place because there are, horrifyingly enough, people who actually do think "Boys will be boys" is a valid excuse. Like OP said:

given what is going on in the US Senate at the moment.

We've seen a lot of garbage about it being a rite of passage for young girls, and 'typical' behaviour for young boys in discourse over the SCOTUS thing, so I'd imagine (hope) OP only included that option to make a point and not because they personally think it's a valid response.

looksee · 02-10-2018 12:45pm

And if, 30+ years later, someone accuses you of an assault you know you did not commit, you would willingly agree, indeed insist on, a police enquiry.

uncommon_name · 02-10-2018 12:48pm

I would like to think I could go with option "D" as the kid is 17 years old.
He probably doesn't know the consequences of what he is doing. He doesn't realize that if it is reported to police that this will affect him for the rest of his life. If it is dealt with by parents or whoever necessary and you accept the apology and make sure he knows not to do it again then you have taught him a lesson and he shouldn't do it again.
However, if he has done it before or ever does it again, then it should most definitely be reported to the police.

Snickers Man · 02-10-2018 12:48pm

Baron de Charlus wrote: »

If you're referring to Ford, she said didn't tell her parents. Your question about what would you do if you were her parents doesn't take account of that.

The sad fact of the matter is that a lot of people who've been sexually assaulted as teenagers, even a lot more recently than 1982, never tell their parents.

Good point.

And that, regrettably, is probably what would happen in most cases today. Even with teenagers who have close and candid relationships with their parents. They might be fairly confident that their parents wouldn't chastise them for irresponsible behaviour or looking for trouble but might fear the loss of face from their peer group that would ensue from "telling tales" on one of the big boys.

Even if it never went as far as the police.

I still think option d is the best one, assuming the girl in question was confident enough to come forward.

lawred2 · 02-10-2018 12:49pm

uncommon_name wrote: »

I would like to think I could go with option "D" as the kid is 17 years old.
He probably doesn't know the consequences of what he is doing. He doesn't realize that if it is reported to police that this will affect him for the rest of his life. If it is dealt with by parents or whoever necessary and you accept the apology and make sure he knows not to do it again then you have taught him a lesson and he shouldn't do it again.
However, if he has done it before or ever does it again, then it should most definitely be reported to the police.

that is bollocks

he's a seventeen year old boy not a labrador

pinkypinky · 02-10-2018 12:52pm

Hmm, I'm still going with calling the Gardaí. Option D sounds lovely but it doesn't ensure he won't do it again, whereas being hauled into a Garda station (whatever the outcome) probably means he won't.

Snickers Man · 02-10-2018 12:56pm

Zulu wrote: »

This. ( beat 7 shades of ****e out of him)
And then call the guards.

I wouldn't recommend either. But only a complete idiot would consider doing both.
Just saying.

Triceratops Ballet · 02-10-2018 12:56pm

Option D might be a good opportunity to teach a young lad a lesson, but what does it teach your daughter in this scenario? That a stranger can put his hands on her in a violent and aggressive manner and suffer no repercussions other than the disappointment of his parents, and maybe some embarrassment, that she can be scared and violated, embarrassed and talked about at school and her own parents want to give the perpetrator a break?
Why would she bother speaking up if it ever happened again? Would any younger sisters she has even bother telling the first time?

uncommon_name · 02-10-2018 1:00pm

lawred2 wrote: »

that is bollocks

he's a seventeen year old boy not a labrador

I wouldn't say its bollocks. A lot of 17 year old's today are like 10 year old from when I grew up, which wasn't that long ago at all.
They don't know if they do it, they may never get a job, it will be on the record forever possibly, they may never be able to travel to certain countries, they may not be able to live in certain areas and it could potentially ruin their own chances of ever having a family of their own.
17 year old children (especially boys) do not think of these things. They don't care about them at that age. Plus you need to remember, 17 year old's shouldn't be drinking alcohol, their bodies aren't ready for it and they probably don't know how to handle it.
I am not saying what he does is acceptable, it isn't in any way at all acceptable and I am not blaming drink on it either. He should be punished for it, but maybe not by the Police for the first time. If it ever happens again then yes, put him behind bars.
Imagine having to have that conversation with your own parents, the girl you done it to and her parents. Imagine how much torture that would be at 17 years old. I think that would be enough to make you never even think about it again.

mcmoustache · 02-10-2018 1:01pm

Snickers Man wrote: »

Here's a probable scenario. Your 15 year old daughter goes to a party in a friend's house. Some of the kids there are a few years older than her. One of the boys, aged 17, who has had a couple of beers decides that he likes the look of your pretty daughter and inveigles her into a bedroom whereupon he throws her on the bed and tries to pull her clothes off against her will.

She resists and tries to scream, he puts her hand over her mouth and, in the presence of another friend continues what is by any sense of the term a sexual assault. Your daughter manages to break free and escapes from the room.

When she gets home, deeply traumatised, she confides in you as caring and sensitive modern parent(s) what has happened. So what do you do?

a) call the police and make a complaint

b) tell her to get over herself, that boys will be boys, they're only after one thing and what were you thinking about going to a party with older alcohol-swilling teenagers while you were dressed in that getup

c) sympathise with her, tell her it's a regrettable rite of passage and to bide her time. If he ever arises to a position of responsibility we'll take that skeleton out of his closet and rattle it in front of the general public

d) comfort and reassure her, tell her that regardless of youth and inexperience that sort of behaviour is unacceptable for any young man, insist that he is confronted with it in the presence of his parents and/or schoolteachers if appropriate, demand an apology from him and make it clear that he is never to think of indulging in such behaviour again, that no more will be said about it unless it becomes known that he has repeated the deed in which case this will be made known to whoever is the subsequent wronged party?

I would like to think that I would have chosen option d, if my daughter were ever the victim of such an assault and that if my son had ever done such a thing (both are long past their teens now) the parents of the girl in question would have behaved similarly with us. We would have been most grateful to them, and would have made clear to him the severity of what he had done.

I also like to think we would have equipped him with enough cop-on and manners that he would never have thought of doing such a thing in the first place but the world is a dangerous place.

What do any parents here think?

I know, this is probably not a political thread in itself but given what is going on in the US Senate at the moment.....

It depends. I think that we're missing out on some key info here. Is the guy black or maybe a tinker, for example? Are his parents wealthy? Are his parents wealthy travellers?

Sinus pain · 02-10-2018 1:02pm

A - every day of the week

uncommon_name · 02-10-2018 1:04pm

pinkypinky wrote: »

Hmm, I'm still going with calling the Gardaí. Option D sounds lovely but it doesn't ensure he won't do it again, whereas being hauled into a Garda station (whatever the outcome) probably means he won't.

Not necessarily. If you ruin someones life by putting them on the sex register, cant get a job, cant live in certain areas, cant travel to certain countries and maybe not be able to ever have a family of their own all because of something they done when they were 17. What makes you think they wont do it again?? They have nothing else going for them.... Do all criminal stop being criminals when they come out of prison. Not at all.

02-10-2018 1:04pm

A. definitely

What would you do if your 15-year old daughter......

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