Should I start fresh in college or try to join a clique from school?

Quokka99 · 27-08-2018 09:29AM #1

I'm moving out to a college 3 hours away. A clique from my school are going. I was part of it a few years back for a while, but was more or less kicked out by Girl A as she kept organizing stuff but would purposely leave me out. She seems ok with me now, we chatted often in 6th year & she likes my stuff on social media. Girl B seemed alright with me but didn't invite me to her 18th birthday party last month (when she invited people she hardly spoke to, despite chatting to me most school days). Girl C is Girl A's cousin. She has always been nice to me & even invited me to a concert with them this week. 2 other members of the clique are going to other colleges. Girl C is also doing the same course as me.

I'm not sure if I should try join their clique again or start fresh? I don't have any good friends bar my bestie who lives on the other side of the country. It would be nice to have friends in my hometown. I had awful social anxiety in my tiny school, so I never made any good friends there & was stuck with an aloof/weirdo reputation. It would be great to have someone to do things with over the summer or at the weekends when I’m home. Thanks x

bee06 · 27-08-2018 10:01AM

Do you actually like these girls or do you just want friends for the sake of friends? If it’s the second case then make some new friends that’s iI actually like and have stuff in common with.

ongarboy · 27-08-2018 10:07AM

I went to my university knowing no-one so I was forced out of a comfort zone and into making new friends. I would also have been shy and suffered social anxiety in secondary school so it was difficult to be proactive. That meant turning up at a lot of the class organised outings and nights out, joining clubs and societies I may naturally not have had a leaning towards. You gradually got to know people this way.
I assume they still do orientation weeks where you are split into a small group of 12-15 or so students for the first week of college? This is invaluable for establishing bonds with fellow class mates as I guarantee you there will be other similar new students there who won't know anyone else either. You get to chat, have lunch, have someone familiar to sit next to when the lectures start the following week etc. If you rush off to find your old clique friends for lunch, coffee breaks etc during those potential bonding opportunities, it makes it harder to make those connections organically with new class mates.
Showing my age, but 25 years after I did my orientation week, I still keep in touch with some of those orientation week class mates who have become life long friends, we've done J1 summers in USA together, spent weekends at each others houses, shared accommodation off campus in subsequent years, attended each others marriages, christenings, went on holidays etc

Emme · 27-08-2018 12:11PM

College is a time for learning new things and getting into new activities. By all means be civil to these girls but focus your energies on making new friends and broadening your horizons.

The old clique will evaporate very quickly now with members scattered and in different colleges so don't cling on to it. Don't let the old members cling to you either - make new friends.

baby and crumble · 27-08-2018 12:18PM

TBH there's nothing saying you can't stay friends with your friends from school and make new ones in college, especially ones in your class. It'll be nice to have someone you know in your course and in college but don't think you can't have a few different groups of friends. I had friends ffrom school, classmates, and friends I made doing societies stuff, all of whom I keep in touch with, nearly 20 (shudder) years later.

Ursus Horribilis · 27-08-2018 01:01PM

When I started at college there were only a handful of people from my class there too. None of them were friends as such and I'm glad that's the way it was. It forced me to make new friends and to build a brand new social circle. I think I would have been less pushed if I'd had school friends to fall back on. I'm still in touch with some of my old college friends whilst I'm struggling to remember when I last spoke to any of my old classmates. A year ago maybe..

The nice thing about going to college is that it's a blank slate for most people. Your new classmates won't care where you went to school, who your schoolfriends were or what you did. You'll be holding yourself back if you try to hang around with this clique. By all means be nice to them - you'll be seeing enough of them waiting for the same bus home or out and about. But don't try to seek out their friendship. They're not really your friends anyway, more like acquaintances. They sound like the sort who might use you at the start because they're feeling out of their depth too, then drop you like a hot snot.

Ursus Horribilis · 27-08-2018 01:38PM

Also, when everyone's new to college, they'll be very open to making new friends. You'll probably never find it as easy to make loads of friends in such a short space of time as you will when you start your course. Strike while the iron is hot and before new cliques form!

GingerLily · 27-08-2018 05:39PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Also, when everyone's new to college, they'll be very open to making new friends. You'll probably never find it as easy to make loads of friends in such a short space of time as you will when you start your course. Strike while the iron is hot and before new cliques form!

THIS!!

You can reignite old friendships later, start college with the intention of making new friends, the first few weeks are so so easy to make new friends, if you make an effort!

LimeFruitGum · 27-08-2018 07:49PM

Fresh start, OP. I take it you’re doing a different course than they are?

You owe these girls nothing and they don’t particularly sound like nice people anyway. Do your own thing, say hi if you see them around, and leave it at that. College is big enough for everyone.

After a few weeks, all of you will be so busy with coursework, societies and clubs, that you probably won’t see each other around.

Don’t give them a second thought, and to hell with what they (or anyone else from home) might think. Why not stay in your new city at weekends, and then go home for family time. I really wouldn’t get hung up on having a weekend home friend. You are in a new city, why not make the most of it with your new friends if you can.

Caranica · 27-08-2018 08:06PM

I went to college in a different country partly to get away from all the cliques. Spent a weekend earlier in the month with some of my best friends from university over 20 years later. Not having people in my home town when I've gone back over the years never held me back.

OP make real friends at college, get closer to girl C as you'll be on the same course a she's making an effort but don't worry about the other pair.

shesty · 27-08-2018 08:34PM

Ah jeez OP, make new friends.If they stay around well and good, but don't be going out of your way to keep the group together or stay in with them.I left college in 2005 and my best friends are from college.There are about 4 from school that I see from time to time, maybe 3/4 times a year, a very random selection, and that's ok.You could spend two of your four college summers abroad, or maybe one working for experience or interning and the like....why keep in touch with them for the sake of when you're at home when you are likely not to even be around?

Ursus Horribilis · 27-08-2018 09:16PM

shesty wrote: »

....why keep in touch with them for the sake of when you're at home when you are likely not to even be around?

Or for that matter, they might not be around either. By the time next summer rolls around, nobody can predict what plans you or these other girls will have.

Also, you mentioned that your college is 3 hours away. Believe me, once you settle in, the last thing you'll be wanting to do on a regular basis is that 6 hour round trip. You'll still be going home of course but it might not be the same weekends as these other people. Realistically, you are going to be spending quite a few weekends in your new city/town. All going well, you'll have new friends to hang around with then. Better still, some clubs organise weekend away trips. That'll be fun, though maybe not so much for your liver

Quokka99 · 27-08-2018 09:24PM

Thank you very much guys. You’re right, I don’t particularly like them except for Girl C. I’ll be doing Erasmus in 3rd year & I hope to do a J1 at some point, so I won’t have too many long, friendless summers like the ones I’ve had the last 4 years. I’m planning to get a job elsewhere at home (been in the same place since 3rd year) so I might befriend some people at work if I’m lucky.

I owe it to myself to broaden my horizons. If I hang around with people who know me as that shy weirdo, I feel I’ll subconsciously act that way.

DontThankMe · 27-08-2018 09:28PM

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

100% try and make new friends and create a new social circle that appreciates you and don't contact you when they want someone to hangout with.

wiggle16 · 27-08-2018 10:35PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Also, when everyone's new to college, they'll be very open to making new friends. You'll probably never find it as easy to make loads of friends in such a short space of time as you will when you start your course. Strike while the iron is hot and before new cliques form!

THIS^^^

You will never have an opportunity again to make friends like you will in college. Ever. Once you get older people have more and more obligations and attachments and baggage and it's harder to make time to get to know someone unless you work with them, realistically.

I knew absolutely no one when I started in college, but I made a lot of friends and am still in touch with a lot of them. I met my best mate in college. And I know virtually no one from school anymore.

Why would you want to be a part of that clique again anyway? They excluded you because one of them plainly did not like you. Screw them.

Go out and meet new people and enjoy yourself

Ursus Horribilis · 27-08-2018 11:55PM

Quokka99 wrote: »

I owe it to myself to broaden my horizons. If I hang around with people who know me as that shy weirdo, I feel I’ll subconsciously act that way.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You'd be surprised how many people struggle socially when they're growing up. It really can be the luck of the draw how well you fit in at school. Sometimes the only thing you have in common with your classmates is that you were born around the same time, live in the same area and go to the same school. Sometimes you'll never have anything in common with your old classmates and once the reason for keeping you together has gone (i.e. going to school) you'll naturally drift away.

When you go on to college, you suddenly have a different group of peers. Ones you'll have a lot more in common with because of the course you all chose. Perhaps that is why you're seeing people here saying that they're still friends with their college pals years later.

Rubberchikken · 28-08-2018 12:53AM

Make new friends. Tbh these girls sound a little unpleasant for my liking and im guessing leopards dont change their spots.
What if you involve yourself with these girls in college and they start behaving in the same mean immature way? You could find yourself cut off from others who may be willing to behave a lot better and be real friends with you.

Join societies and clubs. Mix with others. You'll soon realise that these girls might not be worth bothering with.

Best of luck

Quokka99 · 08-09-2018 12:25PM

Thanks guys. I only stayed down for 3 nights but I’m loving it so far. Everyone is so friendly. I’ve already gone shopping & joined a group chat with 3 girls doing the same course as me. I also went for pints with a lad I was friends with in school. He had a house party & invited people from my old class & others he knew from a nearby school at home. I met some really nice girls at it.

I love how friendly everyone is here. I hope it stays like this for at least another few weeks.

LimeFruitGum · 11-09-2018 09:11PM

Fantastic! ðŸ˜„

BrokenArrows · 12-09-2018 05:04PM

100% make new friends.

The first few weeks after starting college is the perfect time to meet new people and the perfect time to leave behind the secondary school bull****.

Just straight up ask people in your classes to go for a few drinks after class = new friends.

College is probably the easiest place to make friends.

di11on · 13-09-2018 08:40AM

The beautiful thing about college, in my experience, is that you find your people. It's such a bigger pond you are less constrained and impacted by the petty goings on of this clique you describe.

That said, at the start, it's nice to have people you know there and that makes the initial experience less daunting.

I would keep an open door to your school "friends" but also be open and seek out new friends. Join some clubs at college, meet new people and expand your horizons. Then interact with your school friends if that suits you or if it's something you feel positive about... but don't let them constrain you.

I'm pretty sure in a few months time you'll look back on this post and smile to yourself :-)

Edgware · 13-09-2018 04:12PM

Move on. I have seen that issue before. College is all about new experiences. There will be a big mix of people from all over in college. Your school group won't all be doing the same course so you probably won't cross paths with them too often and don't start going "home" every weekend. Also when it comes to doing a J1 there are more cities in the U.S. than Boston Chicago Frisco or New York.

Should I start fresh in college or try to join a clique from school?

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