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Should I just keep it this way and not stir the pot anymore, or should keep my eyes o

  • 26-06-2018 10:53PM
    #1
    lillyAnn
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8 ✭


    Hi everybody, I'm trying To keep it short, so my bf was showing me some pictures of him from a while back, and when he was going through different albums I happen to see an album cover which had the picture of his ex wife (I know it was her cause I ha seen this picture before when I saw her Facebook profile), besides this picture they also send text messages to each other/communicate on a kind of regular basis (I really don’t know who starts the message or conversation) and sometimes he even sees her in person when she needs a favor from him, should I feel worried and concerned?, he is a great person with me, treats me very nice, but I want him to forget about her an move on. I get they where married for 10 years but they don’t have even have kids together so I don’t get all the back an forth communication between them. She is 58 and he is 46, I am 30.

    Plus the WORST is that 2 weeks ago we were together, and when we were going back home, he was checking his messages and he then tells me:'' it was my ex wife she texted me that her car broke down'' she is with a friend. and then when we get home he tells me let me call her, so he goes outside, why in the world would he not call her in front of me? you see this is what makes my head spin around, , the other thing that I don't get why the hell does she have to call him to tell him that? and the worst part is that he sometimes goes an caters to her needs (Obviously he did not that day ,he was with Me), I feel he is a fool for being a way to nice after a divorce people usually don't get this along after a DIVORCE! Honestly I really don't know what to do, if just get it over with and have a conversation with him an tell him to forget his past and move on, I just cant keep swallowing my thoughts over an over. this has to stop or I am out. Why in the freaking world is he with me if let's say he still has feelings for her? does not make sense at all.

    I talked to him about it and he understood how I felt and said I was right ( I told him that he cannot live in the past and that he needs to move on in order to make this new relationship with me WORK!), he seemed very sincere and told me he was really'' into me and he felt very good being with me'' and that if I did not like him going back to his hometown(where his ex wife lives) that he was not going to do it anymore. He said this because one weekend he went back to his hometown were his ex wife/Friends lives and guess what he stayed to sleep? in his ex wife's house, and he had even told me that if it was alright/Ok with me, and I screwed up and told him: ''Go ahead I trust you''!BIG MISTAKE from my behalf since I hated the idea of him staying over at his ex wife's home, Plus let's be real ANYONE would get MAD about this!! this is very wrong from his behalf to have done this, It's not normal to me, especially if you have a new girlfriend.

    Does all of this seem sketchy to you? I just wonder if he still going to keep communicating with her even after we had a talk about how I felt about him being stuck in the past and talking/messaging his ex. this woman seems to call him for anything: ''oh my foot got stuck'', ring, ring, ring ''Mobile call'' : Oh hi my foot got stuck'' would you mind coming to help me. LOL I don't understand why she calls or message him so much. Or who is the one initiating communication so much?


Comments

  • #2
    banoffe2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 421 ✭✭banoffe2


    Hi OP sounds as if there are three people in this relationship. If we feel the need to change another person there is something wrong. Whatever the nature of friendship he has with his ex wife is well established and it sounds very clear from your examples that that's the way its going to be.
    You have a choice to continue as is or walk away as good as this man is to you, it looks like the ex is very much part of the package, best of luck to you, and remember you have choices:)


  • #3
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,407 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    A lot of divorces end badly, but not all. Your boyfriend and his ex wife clearly still get on well.

    Having said that, I would imagine most people would not feel too happy if their new boyfriend was dancing to the tune of his ex all the time. However you have to be clear to him in what you want.

    He asked you if it was ok to stay at her house and you said fine. Clearly you were not fine with it, but you told him the opposite.

    You don't say how long you are together or how serious your relationship is, or how long he has split from his wife. There could be lots of things at play here. He could just genuinely get along with his ex and feels some responsibility towards her given that they were married.

    What you do need to do is sit him down and have a chat about your relationship, where you see it going and where he sees it going, and the impact of his relationship with his ex on how you feel. Without flying off the handle in a temper.

    I would imagine the gist of what you want to say or how you feel about all of this is 'I can't how our relationship is going to develop in the long term if you spend so much time in communication with your ex wife.


  • #4
    lillyAnn
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8 ✭lillyAnn


    @rainbowtrout

    Hi well we have only 5 months, he has been divorce for 6 years now since 2012,well I did talk to him, he said he really wants me very much and wants something serious with me, and that he would like to get married and have kids some day, he was like: the past is there and I cant erase it, was done is done and there is nothing I can do. Now I don't love her anymore nor do I want to be with her anymore.
    So he also told me that sometimes she calls and he answers and sometimes he doesn't and the same goes to him.He calls her cause he needs something or visceversa. so I told him: '' and why when she calls you don't pick up in front of me? and he said to me that he does not want her to create this drama. she will get dramatic, and I am like why the F*** does she even care, you are divorce, she is as well. so why would she get all dramatic about me or knowing about me, he told me that his ex girlfriend that he had the first after he divorce, he told his ex wife about her and she started creating all this drama. I really don't understand the WHY?!! of why she gets like this, sounds extremely weird.so he said to himself that he would not mention to her whenever he had a new relationship with someone .


  • #5
    GingerLily
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,766 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    lillyAnn wrote: »
    @rainbowtrout

    Hi well we have only 5 months, he has been divorce for 6 years now since 2012,well I did talk to him, he said he really wants me very much and wants something serious with me, and that he would like to get married and have kids some day, he was like: the past is there and I cant erase it, was done is done and there is nothing I can do. Now I don't love her anymore nor do I want to be with her anymore.
    So he also told me that sometimes she calls and he answers and sometimes he doesn't and the same goes to him.He calls her cause he needs something or visceversa. so I told him: '' and why when she calls you don't pick up in front of me? and he said to me that he does not want her to create this drama. she will get dramatic, and I am like why the F*** does she even care, you are divorce, she is as well. so why would she get all dramatic about me or knowing about me, he told me that his ex girlfriend that he had the first after he divorce, he told his ex wife about her and she started creating all this drama. I really don't understand the WHY?!! of why she gets like this, sounds extremely weird.so he said to himself that he would not mention to her whenever he had a new relationship with someone .

    That last part worries me. If she is so much trouble why hasn't he cut her out? Something is either very fishy here or your new boyfriend needs help escaping his emotionally abusive ex. Did you tell him that it's not normal to maintain friendships like this? Would he benefit from talking to a counselor to help him work through his messy situation?


  • #6
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 1,007 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    lillyAnn wrote: »
    he told me that his ex girlfriend that he had the first after he divorce, he told his ex wife about her and she started creating all this drama. I really don't understand the WHY?!! of why she gets like this, sounds extremely weird.so he said to himself that he would not mention to her whenever he had a new relationship with someone .

    Well there’s the explanation for everything, she doesn’t even know you exist, this is all on him. He needs to tell her he’s in a new relationship and that this level of contact isn’t acceptable anymore and you need to be honest with him about how uncomfortable this is all making you.


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  • #7
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,407 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    lillyAnn wrote: »
    @rainbowtrout

    Hi well we have only 5 months, he has been divorce for 6 years now since 2012

    ....He calls her cause he needs something or visceversa. .... and he said to me that he does not want her to create this drama. she will get dramatic, .....he told me that his ex girlfriend that he had the first after he divorce, he told his ex wife about her and she started creating all this drama. I really don't understand the WHY?!! of why she gets like this, sounds extremely weird.so he said to himself that he would not mention to her whenever he had a new relationship with someone .


    There’s two of them in it. I honestly thought you were going to say they only divorced in the last year but this dynamic is obviously going on a long time and it doesn’t sound healthy.

    But why is he calling her if ‘he needs something’. What could he possibly need that he can’t get somewhere else? I did say in my previous post that some divorces end amicably, but this doesn’t sound healthy.

    Why does his ex need to know about new relationships? And he really needs to cut contact if she’s creating drama as his new relationship with you or anyone else is none of his business. She is not his responsibility.


  • #8
    MiliMe
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 219 ✭✭MiliMe


    Sounds to me like he is caught in the routine of his relationship with his ex wife. If they broke up amicably, she may still rely on him as her go to person, he may have allowed this to continue because he's a nice guy and doesn't want to hurt her feelings or just because thia was the routine for however long they were married.
    Considering her reaction to the news that he had a new girlfriend, she still thinks she still has a claim on him.
    You need to express to your boyfriend that regardless of his past relationship with his ex wife, she is his ex. You are his present and you and how your feeling should be his priority. He needs to tell the ex wife that you are part of his life and she needs to just deal with it.


  • #9
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    This post has been deleted.


  • #10
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,663 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    Unfortunately I think that if you force him to choose between you and the ex, you're going to be the one to lose out here.


  • #11
    heretothere
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 635 ✭✭✭heretothere


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    Unfortunately I think that if you force him to choose between you and the ex, you're going to be the one to lose out here.

    I don't think she'd lose out. I think she'd save herself potentially a few years of thinking he'd change only to realise he wont.

    OP I think what you said to him about your feelings/ his behaviour is pretty much what needed to be said. If over the next few weeks though things do not change you need to decide if you can be happy with him being so close to his ex or not.

    It is nice that they get on still but they are divorced, he says he wants to move on with you. He needs to do that


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  • #12
    lillyAnn
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8 ✭lillyAnn


    MiliMe wrote: »
    Sounds to me like he is caught in the routine of his relationship with his ex wife. If they broke up amicably, she may still rely on him as her go to person, he may have allowed this to continue because he's a nice guy and doesn't want to hurt her feelings or just because thia was the routine for however long they were married.
    Considering her reaction to the news that he had a new girlfriend, she still thinks she still has a claim on him.
    You need to express to your boyfriend that regardless of his past relationship with his ex wife, she is his ex. You are his present and you and how your feeling should be his priority. He needs to tell the ex wife that you are part of his life and she needs to just deal with it.
    Exactly, the problem with him is that he is TOO NICE! I know for a fact he always wants to be good with everyone, be kind, giving, I think it's like the knight in shining armor situation. He is a christian. We had a discussion on Sunday due to this, cause I had already mention him the situation and had set my points straight and had told him how I felt like 2 weeks ago, and he even got nervous cause he was not expecting for me to come so straight forward.
    But now I get this feeling that I always need to remember him how I feel about them both communicating, so I get like a temper and discuss about it. So this is not good either, cause it can cause a breakup, I mean we have 5 months, we should be enjoying our selves, but it makes me uneasy that he had a past with that woman and they were married, its like a jealousy, I just want to be number one on his list,


  • #13
    MiliMe
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 219 ✭✭MiliMe


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    Unfortunately I think that if you force him to choose between you and the ex, you're going to be the one to lose out here.

    Why? Can a man not choose a new life over an EX wife??? One who has already ruined one possible relationship with her drama...

    Sometimes ex's do just need to move on.


  • #14
    MiliMe
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 219 ✭✭MiliMe


    lillyAnn wrote: »
    Exactly, the problem with him is that he is TOO NICE! I know for a fact he always wants to be good with everyone, be kind, giving, I think it's like the knight in shining armor situation. He is a christian. We had a discussion on Sunday due to this, cause I had already mention him the situation and had set my points straight and had told him how I felt like 2 weeks ago, and he even got nervous cause he was not expecting for me to come so straight forward.
    But now I get this feeling that I always need to remember him how I feel about them both communicating, so I get like a temper and discuss about it. So this is not good either, cause it can cause a breakup, I mean we have 5 months, we should be enjoying our selves, but it makes me uneasy that he had a past with that woman and they were married, its like a jealousy, I just want to be number one on his list,

    You've told him how you feel about the situation with his ex, if he continues with the same behaviour, you need to cut and run.

    Yes he may have married this woman but things didn't work out for whatever reason, if you let your jealousy get to you, you will ruin things with him regardless of how he behaves toward his ex.


  • #15
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,575 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    MiliMe wrote: »
    Why? Can a man not choose a new life over an EX wife??? One who has already ruined one possible relationship with her drama...

    Sometimes ex's do just need to move on.

    I think what Dial Hard is saying here is that it seems neither him or his ex are ready to move on from each other. There is a long standing history of this sort of relationships, and I do believe OP, if you were to offer an ultimatum of 'her or me', he would choose you, in words but you would find that he doesn't fully remove himself from her. He might even start arranging to see her behind your back.

    He has already let one relationship go rather than tell her to back off. He might well end up repeating the pattern over and over.


  • #16
    bucketybuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,938 ✭✭✭✭bucketybuck


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    Unfortunately I think that if you force him to choose between you and the ex, you're going to be the one to lose out here.

    Thats the sort of thing I'd like to know sooner rather than later, to be quite honest.


  • #17
    meeeeh
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Op, do you know why they split up? You say he wants kids but when they married she must have been into 40ies and either couldn't or didn't want to have kids. Is it possible that kids were the issue and that they still have feelings for each other. Or he could just feel sorry for her. She might be one of those women who need a man in their life to help with certain things. Judging by her age I doubt her father could help her but your bf might be handy for some diy, car trouble and so on. How much do you actually know about your bf's marriage?


  • #18
    lillyAnn
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8 ✭lillyAnn


    meeeeh wrote: »
    Op, do you know why they split up? You say he wants kids but when they married she must have been into 40ies and either couldn't or didn't want to have kids. Is it possible that kids were the issue and that they still have feelings for each other. Or he could just feel sorry for her. She might be one of those women who need a man in their life to help with certain things. Judging by her age I doubt her father could help her but your bf might be handy for some diy, car trouble and so on. How much do you actually know about your bf's marriage?

    Well I don't know much but the basic things, what he told me was that they started to distance themselves and that she also ha to bring her mother to live with her because she suffer from bipolar disease and was very sick, so since this got in the way their plans of having kids just went to the garbage, they had to much in their plate to handle, especially her with her sick mother living with them both.

    I feel as if they both feel sorry for each other about how everything went down the hill, and he did tell me they just feel Pitty for each other and how they tried to work things out, but she wanted to get divorce, cause HERE IS THE WEIRD PART: they had separated, and he had a relationship or something quick with a younger girl (had sex with her and everything) an when his wife found out (even though they were separated) she had this jealousy tantrum and she said to him : I want a divorce I don't love you anymore, so I guess maybe the problems were there way before this?! god knows, he also told me that there was a point where he told her, that he did not see her the same anymore/or did not feel the same about her anymore, I guess all of this was due to the distance that occurred between them, when her mother came to live with them and their jobs schedule where in the way as well,
    Also He told me that this woman THIS IS THE CRAZY PART I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND IS: she had told him before all this drama that if he wanted sex so badly he could go ahead and find another woman that she gave him the permission. either this woman has an issue or something was very wrong in this marriage.


  • #19
    stargazer 68
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,189 ✭✭✭stargazer 68


    lillyAnn wrote: »

    HERE IS THE WEIRD PART: they had separated, and he had a relationship or something quick with a younger girl (had sex with her and everything) an when his wife found out (even though they were separated) she had this jealousy tantrum and she said to him : I want a divorce I don't love you anymore,
    .
    Oh that old chestnut! Or maybe he had an affair, she found out and wanted a divorce.


  • #20
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,663 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    bucketybuck wrote: »
    Thats the sort of thing I'd like to know sooner rather than later, to be quite honest.

    Same, I'm just trying to manage the OP's expectations because I think if she goes down the road of issuing an ultimatum, she might not get the answer she wants.


  • #21
    lillyAnn
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8 ✭lillyAnn


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    bucketybuck wrote: »
    Thats the sort of thing I'd like to know sooner rather than later, to be quite honest.

    Same, I'm just trying to manage the OP's expectations because I think if she goes down the road of issuing an ultimatum, she might not get the answer she wants.
    Ok, so what exactly should I do, cause as I said he is a very good man and has been with me, so I dont want to screw my relationship with him but I also don't want to live a lie and then look like a fool.


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  • #22
    lillyAnn
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8 ✭lillyAnn


    I really want a smart way to see how he reacts and see if he really is meaning what he is saying to me after we talked about this whole issue, without having to touch this subject again an again, cause there will be a point that it's going to bother him and make him bored.


  • #23
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,407 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    lillyAnn wrote: »
    I really want a smart way to see how he reacts and see if he really is meaning what he is saying to me after we talked about this whole issue, without having to touch this subject again an again, cause there will be a point that it's going to bother him and make him bored.



    So you're giving more weight to the fact that he will be bothered by the fact that you are bringing up the subject of him constantly pandering to his ex wife, and that could be more important than the fact that all of this pandering bothers you?

    Actions speak louder than words. He can say all he wants about a change in the way he interacts with his ex. However it means nothing if there is no follow through.

    They don't have kids together, that would be the one biggest stumbling block where contact would need to be maintained. If they don't have business interests or property interests together, then this level of contact is not necessary, and you cannot expect your relationship to develop if he is at her beck and call all the time. Also he divorced her 6 years ago, it shouldn't be any of her business whether he is in a relationship or not, so he shouldn't need to hide it.

    He is not her husband any longer, she shouldn't get to treat him as such for stuff she needs done.


  • #24
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,575 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    If you are not happy, then you let him know what you are not happy about. You tell him what changes you expect. It's then up to him to decide whether or not he's happy to take your concerns on board.

    If he does, and takes a (very big) step back from her, then great. If he doesn't, then you know what the future of your relationship is going to be, and you can decide if he's special enough to tolerate that for all your relationship.


  • #25
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    OP from what I can make out, you have only been going out a few months and already you feel messed about. You are only 30, he's in his 40's and maybe not over his ex. It shouldn't be so head wrecking at this stage.

    This forum gets a lot of stick for suggesting that people break up but to be fair, sometimes by the time one person in the relationship posts looking for advice, the relationship has gone beyond repair.

    If you were to read your op, what advice would you give?

    There are two options
    - 1 stay and have your head melted in the hope this person will see the light
    - 2 move on and invest your time in someone who will reciprocate those feelings and make you feel appreciated in a relationship


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