When do you finally give up on a family member?

#1 · 23-06-2018 11:03PM #1

My brother and I fell out when I was 25 and he was 17 over a silly row about smoking, I thought he was being inconsiderate to my dad because he had lung problems at the time, he stormed off and called me some choice words, Fair enough we both were in the wrong and let him cool off but he hasn't spoken a word to me since! We clashed a good bit growing up but I loved him I still do hes my brother. I tried reaching out to him several times after our row but he pointedly ignored me and blanked every attempt to talk. Years passed, I got a job just outside Dublin and got married had 2 lovely kids (who he never once even attempted to get to know, no birthday cards, congratulations etc) and he got a flat and a very good job but I know nothing else about him.

My parents always said its a shame but we are adults and that's the way it is. My wife even tried at one stage to mediate but he scoffed the idea of any meeting. I have another older brother who I get on with but he has his own life and doesn't want to get involved. Im at the end of the road because earlier today, there was a big family event and by the way im 45 now so 20 years after our argument. Myself and my wife and daughter were just entering the house as he was leaving so I smiled,reached out my hand and said "Hello, Kevin (argument sake)"and he literally walked straight past me, no eye contact nothing, it was unnerving the way he acted as if I didn't occupy any air. And this in front of other people too. It shook me up but I think my wife is right when she says to just forget he exists, you cant force people to like you. I guess I thought the years might make him want to accept my olive branch but do you think its time now to put a lid and forget he exists too?

Aufbau · 23-06-2018 11:47PM

Well, you won't forget he exists. But it seems there's nothing you can do about it, so let him be.

Whatever happened during that row, he obviously didn't feel it was silly.

Tippex · 23-06-2018 11:59PM

needsecondopinion wrote: »

My brother and I fell out when I was 25 and he was 17 over a silly row about smoking, I thought he was being inconsiderate to my dad because he had lung problems at the time, he stormed off and called me some choice words, Fair enough we both were in the wrong and let him cool off but he hasn't spoken a word to me since! We clashed a good bit growing up but I loved him I still do hes my brother. I tried reaching out to him several times after our row but he pointedly ignored me and blanked every attempt to talk. Years passed, I got a job just outside Dublin and got married had 2 lovely kids (who he never once even attempted to get to know, no birthday cards, congratulations etc) and he got a flat and a very good job but I know nothing else about him.

My parents always said its a shame but we are adults and that's the way it is. My wife even tried at one stage to mediate but he scoffed the idea of any meeting. I have another older brother who I get on with but he has his own life and doesn't want to get involved. Im at the end of the road because earlier today, there was a big family event and by the way im 45 now so 20 years after our argument. Myself and my wife and daughter were just entering the house as he was leaving so I smiled,reached out my hand and said "Hello, Kevin (argument sake)"and he literally walked straight past me, no eye contact nothing, it was unnerving the way he acted as if I didn't occupy any air. And this in front of other people too. It shook me up but I think my wife is right when she says to just forget he exists, you cant force people to like you. I guess I thought the years might make him want to accept my olive branch but do you think its time now to put a lid and forget he exists too?

You are never likely to forget he exists and it will still hurt.

But you have made an effort, I don't blame your other brother not wanting to get involved but as I said you have tried and he has turned down any advances so put it in a box and just think of it as you have your life and he has his.

Ursus Horribilis · 24-06-2018 09:32AM

I think it's time you stopped putting your hand out to be slapped by your brother. That row you had over him smoking should've been a ridiculous, handbag type of a spat. The sort of thing that is easily resolved. Instead, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. It would appear that he had some sort of seething resentment towards you before the row and that your relationship with him wasn't good enough to overcome this. You were and are some sort of monster in his head and he has shown no willingness to mend bridges. It's sad of course, especially if he has lost out on having nieces/nephews in his life.

Maybe your wife's choice of words (forget he exists) isn't the best but she is right. You're never going to forget him as the brother you have. But you need to accept that he has no interest whatsoever in getting to know you or your family. He knows you'd like to mend bridges but he doesn't. Any further attempts to reach out to him will just make him think even less of you. Being a blood relation of someone is no guarantee that they'll like you or want to have you in their lives. I'm sorry if that sounds a bit blunt but that's the reality.

Your other brother is in a no-win situation. I'm sure he would love if you could all get on. He can see what everyone else does - that your relationship with your younger brother is broken beyond repair. All that his intervention will achieve is to make things worse.

PressRun · 24-06-2018 01:36PM

It sounds like a very innocuous thing to still be angry about 20 years later. There's something a bit insane about holding a grudge like that for that long. I wouldn't bother continuing to offer an olive branch. What's the point? He's choosing to stay ridiculously angry about something that should have resolved itself a long, long time ago. Unless there's more to the story?

LegacyUser · 24-06-2018 02:44PM

OP here, thanks for the replies so far. Its pretty much confirmed what I know I have to do and that's to stop trying to reach out to him because as someone said, if a person doesn't want to know you there's not a thing you can do about it. Yes my wife was a bit strong with saying pretend he doesn't exist but in fairness to her, she was a bit angry that he didn't even look at his niece once in the eye, she was wondering who he was and we had some explaining to do.

To clarify, yes we clashed a good bit growing up two very different personalities but I always cared for him as a brother I still do but sadly he wont connect with me. I started this thread because I was a bit shook over his reaction yesterday, I really thought a man in his late 30s would have the social maturity to even say hello and exchange a few words, even if he walked away and still hated me but it was as if I literally wasn't even standing there with my hand out, it was very cold. He has mates in work etc who he gets on with and a normal life but its just me he absolutely hates. I know its nothing to do with anyone else- my other brother and parents just put it down to two clashing personalities I supposes I always thought people would mature and change as they got older. Sadly not.

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zoobizoo · 25-06-2018 12:12PM

needsecondopinion wrote: »

I really thought a man in his late 30s would have the social maturity to even say hello and exchange a few words, even if he walked away and still hated me but it was as if I literally wasn't even standing there with my hand out, it was very cold. He has mates in work etc who he gets on with and a normal life but its just me he absolutely hates.

It's very little to do with maturity levels - it's a way of dealing with a situation.

The flip side could have been that in front of your family, that he told you exactly what he thought of you which could have been a far worse scenario.

I've only ever blanked someone once in my life - it was strangely satisfying. The alternative would have been getting into aggro with them which I try and avoid.

He has made a decision and putting your hand out to him like that wasn't going to resolve his years of bitterness.

Yes it's odd that things never got resolved between the two of you - did your parents try to intervene after the original incident happened?

valoren · 25-06-2018 01:55PM

Maybe seeing you extending your hand sparked a pique of anger in him i.e. that after all these years, you think you could just stick out your paw out to me, with everyone there to witness you being the bigger man, and that solves everything?

There could be a sense of that going on with him. If you have his number at all, perhaps ring him and leave a voicemail if he doesn't answer. Just say, that you'd like to chat. When you hear nothing back, and you in all probability won't, take that as the end.

We all do and say stupid things. If he is incapable of being remotely interested in resolving whatever happened then just accept he isn't interested.

kunst nugget · 25-06-2018 02:03PM

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Tbf, the OP says he has made the effort in the past to contact his brother but has been rebuffed.

When I was 17, I was completely at loggerheads with my eldest bother, who would have been 26 at the time - it would have been purely down to living in the same house at the time. We've moved on from all that and we get on like a house on fire these days. People grow and change their outlook on life and it seems pretty obstinate to hold on to arguments you've had with your brother in your teenage years for decades.

Maybe they had a toxic relationship when they were younger but it doesn't sound like the OP wants to live in his brother's pocket. I can understand his desire to try and heal old wounds and move on but if there's nothing coming from the other side he's going to have to just accept that and move on.

LegacyUser · 26-06-2018 07:56PM

I decided to take the advice of the above poster and ring my brother. I was thinking about it a lot since he blanked me and im in two minds- I know deep down the relationship is over because he simply wont forgive me or open any line of communication but I felt sad that this is it now forever, however I have my own family to raise and I know its foolish to dwell on things that cant be changed. Yes my parents always thought it stupid to keep up the row and I did on several occasions try to tell him im sorry and reach out, both after the silly row and since but hes not having it and my folks always said well you are both adults sort it out which is fair enough its nothing to do with anyone else.

To put a line under it, I rang him yesterday, no answer went to voicemail and I said almost word for word "Its me your brother, im sorry if I embarrassed you by asking to shake your hand the other day I genuinely only wanted to start afresh and get to know you, maybe I did it the wrong way and you are entitled to react the way you did. All I can say is im sorry for the way things worked out, you will always be my brother and I will always always be here for you. This is the last time I reach out to you. Id love to see you again, id love you to be part of my familys life its never too late and I will leave the ball in your court now. I wont bother you if I see you again and if you choose not to contact me ,all the best and take care".

I practiced it about 10 times and in a way I was glad it went to voicemail as it was almost easier to speak to air. I felt a great sadness but also relief that I could talk to "him" about this. I know I will always raise my daughter and son not to let any arguments fester as life is way too short. Needless to say, no reply and I know he wont reply but ive done all I can now. Thanks for the advice people.

When do you finally give up on a family member?

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