Moving 7 year old to a different town and school

movingaway1 · 21-06-2018 12:17PM #1

hi all, myself and my 7 year old daughter are going to move to a different town to live with my partner of 3 years so she will be moving schools also. the reason we are moving is that I am currently renting and don't want to continue renting, my partner has his own house and I'd like a fresh start and to try for another baby.
However, my daughter's father is kicking up a stink and doesn't want her moving anywhere, the new town is about half an hour drive away from where we live at the moment. I understand he's worried he won't see her as much but he is a driver and is only home every other weekend so he sees her whenever he is home and takes her for holidays during the summer etc, which would not change for him. He is threatening to stop paying maintenance and has told me he'll do his best to convince her it's a bad idea.

My parents are also not gone on the idea - she's the only grandchild and they adore her, they see her every day.
I am just worried about my little one and the effect moving would have on her, she doesn't have any friends yet over at that side so I'm hoping to sign her up to some activities over the summer and we're already spending a lot of weekends there just to get her used to the place.
Just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to make this easier on her? she seemed to like the new school when we took her to meet the principal but she is worried that she has no friends there, she's a very social little girl when you get to know her but can be shy towards new people. I'm completely torn, this is a huge move, her whole world will change! I'm just wondering if I'm right to be doing this at all or if it is selfish of me (like her dad keeps saying!)
thanks in advance for any opinions /advice - all welcome, good or bad!!

marieholmfan · 21-06-2018 12:18PM

Would there be any chance of the daughter's father taking her? Or perhaps your (not so )new (at this stage) partner would move in with you for a while and then sell and you two could buy together.

lazygal · 21-06-2018 12:27PM

That's a huge amount of upheaval for a seven year old. Why can't your partner move to where you're living and save your child all the hassle of a new school and town?

Gatling · 21-06-2018 12:41PM

Kids are very resilient especially with moves throughout their lives ,
Weight up the benefits more stable home , moving to a good school more money and less bills without the rent every month .
Half and hour drive down the road isn't bad for dad might be the issue of you moving in with some one is more of an issue than the move ,
And if your and your childs comes first nobody else should be demanding you stay where you are currently

Blaizes · 21-06-2018 12:55PM

movingaway1 wrote: »

hi all, myself and my 7 year old daughter are going to move to a different town to live with my partner of 3 years so she will be moving schools also. the reason we are moving is that I am currently renting and don't want to continue renting, my partner has his own house and I'd like a fresh start and to try for another baby.
However, my daughter's father is kicking up a stink and doesn't want her moving anywhere, the new town is about half an hour drive away from where we live at the moment. I understand he's worried he won't see her as much but he is a driver and is only home every other weekend so he sees her whenever he is home and takes her for holidays during the summer etc, which would not change for him. He is threatening to stop paying maintenance and has told me he'll do his best to convince her it's a bad idea.
My parents are also not gone on the idea - she's the only grandchild and they adore her, they see her every day.
I am just worried about my little one and the effect moving would have on her, she doesn't have any friends yet over at that side so I'm hoping to sign her up to some activities over the summer and we're already spending a lot of weekends there just to get her used to the place.
Just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to make this easier on her? she seemed to like the new school when we took her to meet the principal but she is worried that she has no friends there, she's a very social little girl when you get to know her but can be shy towards new people. I'm completely torn, this is a huge move, her whole world will change! I'm just wondering if I'm right to be doing this at all or if it is selfish of me (like her dad keeps saying!)
thanks in advance for any opinions /advice - all welcome, good or bad!!

OP, Just a couple of thoughts having read this.
How does your daughter get along with your new partner? This is really important. And how does he treat her? These are things to think about.

Also if you did move and the relationship with your partner did not work out do you have a back up plan like savings or an income to support the two of you in finding new rental accommodation?

In relation to your ex partner do you have a visitation agreement agreed by the courts etc? He doesn't sound like he is going to make your life easy so you probably need to consult a solicitor regarding his threats re maintenance.

Hope others on here can give you solid advice an not in your situation but have a child of a similar age and would think a move like this would be a big thing for my child or any child. It needs careful consideration.

movingaway1 · 21-06-2018 01:23PM

hi All thanks for the replies

OP Here
so to answer some of the questions above, my partner and daughter get on really well, he's in her life quite a while now and stays with us a lot during the week. he's really good to her and we've been talking about the move for a long time now, the thing is our only gap to do this is during the summer as I don't want to move my daughter mid school-year. I also feel that if we wait another year it'll lessen the chances of trying for a baby!
Regarding her Dad, we split when she was about 3 and we came to an arrangement ourselves around spending time with her once the fighting settled down (the main reason we split!).
He's not from Ireland but has lived here for years, he's home approx. every 2nd weekend and takes her whenever he's home. Again he is very good to her and I would never stand in the way of their relationship - he takes her to see his parents for 2 weeks or more every year also. I usually work around whatever way he works and can get home. we are civil to each other generally (not so much at the moment!)
I have talked to my daughter and asked what she thinks of it all but I know she won't really decide how she feels until it's all happening. she says she wants a dog and a brother or sister and as long as she still gets to see her dad & grandparents at the weekend. I just don't know!

lazygal · 21-06-2018 01:27PM

I think you are taking a huge risk moving your child to live with a man in a different town where she will have to move school because of your wishes to try for a baby within a certain timeframe. Why can't your partner make life easier for you and your child and move to where you're living now? That would be far less change. How will your child react to a new baby on top of every other change do you think?
Children are resilient to a point. But they also deserve not to be put through massive changes just because of their parents' choices.

draiochtanois · 21-06-2018 01:30PM

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movingaway1 · 21-06-2018 01:31PM

OP Here again - sorry forgot to add - my partner could sell his house and move down our side but the chances of us getting a mortgage together are low as he has another one outside of his own house and our age, house prices etc.
I've been renting a house on my own for a number of years now - I have some savings but not a huge amount, realistically it would take me years to save for a small deposit to buy a small place. I work full time so I'm not entitled to any allowances being a single parent etc. so I find it very hard to save anything after paying rent & bills etc.

lazygal · 21-06-2018 01:36PM

I think your partner should move in with you in your town before I'd uproot my child. What if it doesn't work out, are you going to move her back to her old school again? Why disrupt everything for her, I presume you won't be changing your job but she's leaving her school.

draiochtanois · 21-06-2018 01:37PM

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listermint · 21-06-2018 01:40PM

30 Minutes drive ?

it takes over 40 minutes on the luas to get into the city centre from any Dublin suburb.

I think alot of people are thinking to hard on this. As if she was moving 3 states across in the US.

Bit of context and reality here people. Moving into a home with a serious partner and making a real life for themselves or renting a place just so we can half see the biological father every fortnight or so..

hmmmm...

Water John · 21-06-2018 01:41PM

Any possibility of the child keeping going to present school and afterwards to grandparents, where one of you pick her up each evening. But ye move residence. Lots of people do such commutes.

lazygal · 21-06-2018 01:43PM

listermint wrote: »

30 Minutes drive ?

it takes over 40 minutes on the luas to get into the city centre from any Dublin suburb.

I think alot of people are thinking to hard on this. As if she was moving 3 states across in the US.

Bit of context and reality here people. Moving into a home with a serious partner and making a real life for themselves or renting a place just so we can half see the biological father every fortnight or so..

hmmmm...

The OP wants all views. We moved house and our children were upset at the upheaval, and that didn't involve a new town, person living in the new house and a possibility of a new sibling. This move suits the two adults in the equation, not the child. The only reason for the move is so the adults can be together and have a baby. No wonder the grandparents aren't keen on the plan. Why not move into the child's own environment first, before making her change schools. What's the big rush?

movingaway1 · 21-06-2018 01:54PM

lazygal wrote: »

I think your partner should move in with you in your town before I'd uproot my child. What if it doesn't work out, are you going to move her back to her old school again? Why disrupt everything for her, I presume you won't be changing your job but she's leaving her school.

My partner has been living with us (4 to 5 days per week) for the past year so we have tried that. I have thought about this a lot and I am terrified of what will happen if it doesn't work out.
There's a chance I could be returning home with my tail between my legs if it all goes pair shaped with everyone saying I told you so! I won't be changing job straight away as it's halfway between the 2 towns, but once we're settled in I will be looking for a job nearer.

lazygal · 21-06-2018 02:15PM

Living together is different to just being there four or five days. I remember when me and my now husband moved in together, it was a massive adjustment even though we were together most of the week anyway. I think the grandparents are right to express reservations. I would think it makes much more sense for your partner to move in with you in your home. Then you're not the one who's all at sea with home and school if it doesn't work out. He moves out, life will go on.

movingaway1 · 21-06-2018 02:16PM

OP Here - Reading back on the above, a lot of what I've written does sound selfish. This is killing me!
My daughter is my top priority here, she's a lovely, sweet good natured little girl and I wouldn't want to upset her for the world.
The thing is I already feel like I've failed her somewhat in splitting from her Dad. There was no option of staying there tho, I didn't want her to grow up thinking that Daddy constantly shouting at Mammy was normal!
My current partner is completely different. I guess I just want a future for me and my daughter that doesn't involve us moving around rented accommodation all the time.
The new school we looked at is a country school, bigger than her own one but with lots more activities for kids around as it is a bigger town.
So far she has her own big room in my partners house and he's painted it in the colour she picked out - she herself went upstairs and packed up some of her barbies and books and told us to move them to her new room. I'm watching her reactions to things and she seems to be excited about it in some ways but scared about making friends.

Digs · 21-06-2018 02:35PM

movingaway1 wrote: »

OP Here - Reading back on the above, a lot of what I've written does sound selfish. This is killing me!
My daughter is my top priority here, she's a lovely, sweet good natured little girl and I wouldn't want to upset her for the world.
The thing is I already feel like I've failed her somewhat in splitting from her Dad. There was no option of staying there tho, I didn't want her to grow up thinking that Daddy constantly shouting at Mammy was normal!
My current partner is completely different. I guess I just want a future for me and my daughter that doesn't involve us moving around rented accommodation all the time.
The new school we looked at is a country school, bigger than her own one but with lots more activities for kids around as it is a bigger town.
So far she has her own big room in my partners house and he's painted it in the colour she picked out - she herself went upstairs and packed up some of her barbies and books and told us to move them to her new room. I'm watching her reactions to things and she seems to be excited about it in some ways but scared about making friends.

Don’t be so hard on yourself! You sound like a lovely Mam. You’re taking your daughters feelings into consideration instead of just going ahead and making changes.

You’re not moving a million miles away, half an hour is not huge in the grand scheme of things. Still plenty of opportunity for her to see her grandparents. If she is special to them they certainly will make the effort to see her and vice versa. It will just be an adjustment for them having had her so close so I can understand their upset but not all grandparents have the luxury of grandchildren close by and they make it work. I think as a pp mentioned her fathers concerns could possibly be more to do with you moving on as a family unit than anything else.

You’re creating a new family unit for her with a fresh future in so far as any of us can plan such a thing. Her Mam has to be happy aswell as her. I really don’t think there’s harm in what you’re doing, it would be ideal if she could stay in her current school for simplicity but that’s not always possible. We’re considering a similar move ourselves in 2/3 years, my eldest will be 7/8 and I have similar concerns as you but overall feel the move will be in my children’s best interests and at the end of the day that’s all we can do.

Best of luck OP!

Blaizes · 21-06-2018 08:47PM

OP thinking about it more and with the further background information you've given us it sounds like a good relationship and that you are at a good place in your life now.You do deserve a second chance at happiness and as someone else here said it and I think you yourself said it also this move could be a chance to create a better life for you and for your daughter. This is provided you are sure your partner is stable, solid, not an addict, gambler etc. you get what I mean a good guy who will not harm nor hurt you or your daughter.

Some suggestions:
Could you try to bring your daughter to the new school this week for an hour or two just to sit in with her new class and get to meet some of her new classmates before September. It would be a kind of an ice breaker for her and then the start of the new school year might not seem so daunting for her as she would see a few familiar faces and the new class would recognise her too. Might be worth phoning the principal on this one Monday morning or popping into the school to ask.

The new dog is a great idea and I would do this straight away if you decide to move.The new dog will soothe her, give her a pet to care for and walk and can be a great talking point with her new teacher and classmates in September. She could even bring in photos of the new dog, kids love dogs. It's also a great idea to get her involved in summer camps in the town she will be moving to, again getting to know other children.

Also she can keep in touch with her old friends. If you don't work on a Saturday perhaps you can invite a friend from her old school round for a play date. It's only thirty minutes drive as you say so no big deal.

You yourself could get involved on the parents council ( time permitting ) at the new school. You'll get to know lots of parents and in turn their kids ( potential new friends for your daughter) and you could help out at the school concert, cake sale whatever. This would help your daughter a lot I think to seei her mother being actively involved in her new school community.

Another thing obviously is to make a big fuss of her and give her lots of love and attention if you decide to move, you sound like a great Mum who would do this anyway.

The ex may have sour grapes as you are moving on with your life. Again I think this area could be the biggest challenge. He is already trying to influence your daughter against the move and on top of that threatening to withhold maintenance.Is he blowing hot air or could he be serious? I really think you need to at least consult a solicitor and listen to their advice. For example up to now he probably calls to your house to take your daughter out but now he will be calling to your new partners house. How will that work, will he be civil and act grown up or not? Will your new partner and him be civil towards each other? Only you can answer these questions as we don't know either of them. There are also things like Christmas day etc. to consider and the arrangements for these. There is a little girl in the middle here and she deserves only good things.

OP good luck whatever you decide.

Ms2011 · 21-06-2018 09:08PM

We moved last year with our then 5.5 year old & 2.5 year old, we moved from an estate in Dublin to a rural village an hour outside Dublin.
I had major guilt uprooting my eldest (youngest didn't really understand) still do if I'm honest but I balance that out with the knowledge that I'm giving him a better, more secure life.
When I think of all the biggest, best decisions I've made in my life they have nearly always been the most frightening but with the best rewards.
I am the ultimate over thinker but sometimes you have to make a leap of faith.
Your daughter will adjust just as my son has, she will just need some time & reassurance & an extra fuss made of he for awhile.
Good Luck x

cbyrd · 21-06-2018 09:14PM

I moved from east to west a few years ago for this reason. My ex threw every obstacle in my way including calling all the schools in the locality to say he objected to them being enrolled. I had to get my solicitor to put him straight.
Move, it's your life , not your parents or your ex's. Remind him that the maintenance is for your child .. not for you and that's whonhed be depriving
Kids make friends fast. She can always make playdates on the odd weekend for a while with her friends until she settles.
Don't put your life on hold. Be upbeat with her about the move. Involve her in the new school early and take her to the town and check out some places like playground, cinema and shops of interest.
She will hark on about missing people and new routine but this is all part of life, we all move on.
My ex eventually moved closer to the kids and ended up in a better job. My kids were aged from 15-3 and I was a month before my due date with my new partners baby. It can be done without any hassle if you have the right attitude.

jlm29 · 21-06-2018 11:19PM

My kids school has a couple of after school services near by that also run summer camps. Could you talk to the principal of the new school about this and see if there’s camps that the kids in her class are more likely to be at so she’ll meet some of them over the summer?
It’s a lot of upheaval, but you sound like you’ve played this well, thought it out, and it’s not some flight of fancy. Changing schools is a big thing, so doing it sooner rather than later is ideal. I have a six and a half year old, and while he has lots of friends in his class, they still seem to play in bigger groups, he doesn’t have one “best friend” yet.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-06-2018 07:19AM

I think you have to try it. Your life is moving on. Why on earth would you (both) spend big money on renting when your partner, the person I'm sure you are planning in spending your future with owns a house? I assume you will help him financially by paying rent/some of the mortgage. Just because you have a child does not mean you have to sacrifice your whole life. Your child might get on brilliantly with the move, it it might be a bit of an upheaval, you won't know until you try, and all you can do is support her as best you can.

A father who is only around every second weekend has no right to dictate anything. It's not like you're moving country and he will never see her. His access will be exactly the same. I think his biggest issue is that you are moving on. Same with your parents, they cannot insist you don't move on with your life and relationship.

I honestly don't understand all the negativity and looking for problems here. People move house all the time with children for various reasons, and the children do fine. They might be a little upset awkward at first, but children tend to get on with it and once she starts school she'll make new friends.

I honestly don't believe you are being in any way selfish. I think you need to make choices based on what you want. As a parent you don't have to sacrifice absolutely everything for everyone else! I hope the move goes well and I hope your little family expands and you are all very happy.

You're not suggesting anything outrageous. You cannot put your life in hold for someone else's convenience.

Blaizes · 22-06-2018 11:45AM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think you have to try it. Your life is moving on. Why on earth would you (both) spend big money on renting when your partner, the person I'm sure you are planning in spending your future with owns a house? I assume you will help him financially by paying rent/some of the mortgage. Just because you have a child does not mean you have to sacrifice your whole life. Your child might get on brilliantly with the move, it it might be a bit of an upheaval, you won't know until you try, and all you can do is support her as best you can.

A father who is only around every second weekend has no right to dictate anything. It's not like you're moving country and he will never see her. His access will be exactly the same. I think his biggest issue is that you are moving on. Same with your parents, they cannot insist you don't move on with your life and relationship.

I honestly don't understand all the negativity and looking for problems here. People move house all the time with children for various reasons, and the children do fine. They might be a little upset awkward at first, but children tend to get on with it and once she starts school she'll make new friends.

I honestly don't believe you are being in any way selfish. I think you need to make choices based on what you want. As a parent you don't have to sacrifice absolutely everything for everyone else! I hope the move goes well and I hope your little family expands and you are all very happy.

You're not suggesting anything outrageous. You cannot put your life in hold for someone else's convenience.

It's not that people are looking for problems here. The op did ask for both negatives and positives opinions with regard to her move. I think it is good that she has gotten different views here. We tend to have an attitude in Ireland that everything is ' grand ' or will be' grand' and this isn't always the case whereas if we critically looked at all sides of a problem we might come up with better solutions and avoid potential pitfalls. We can't control everything but why not be as prepared and well informed as possible.

LegacyUser · 22-06-2018 12:32PM

listermint wrote: »

30 Minutes drive ?

it takes over 40 minutes on the luas to get into the city centre from any Dublin suburb.

I think alot of people are thinking to hard on this. As if she was moving 3 states across in the US.

+ 1 I'm really struggling to see the issue with the 30min drive. My secondary school was a 45 min bus ride each way as there was no secondary in our village. Not a bother on anyone making that trip.

As a kid we moved from Galway to Dublin to Cork to Kilkenny before I was 10 and it did me no harm so also think people are greatly over estimating the impact of moving. the child has a relationship with the partner, it's not like the OP has only meet them and is impulse moving in together.

I think it's cracked asking the partner to move out of a house he owns to share a rented house. He could rent his house yes but there's a lot of extra work and tax burden to being a landlord on top of them having to live in a rental house they can't do anything do like paint walls etc etc They've been together a while, they want to move in together, he owns a house, shes renting - just seems like maddness for him to move in with her!

OP I don't think you are being selfish. Tell your ex access and maintenance are totally separate things and if he doesn't want to drag this through court he needs to accept you both could have partners and other kids down the line. If the move does impact on his access to his child then you need to make changes to fix that. Do you drive OP? If you don't maybe make that a priority for yourself so you can make sure you daughter sees daddy and her grandparents as needed.

movingaway1 · 22-06-2018 01:05PM

OP Here, thanks everyone for the replies. This has been at the forefront of my mind for months now that it's actually happening I can't think about anything else!

When we took my daughter to meet the principal of the new school last week we suggested to him it would be good to get her to sit in on the class for a few hours next week just to give her a feel for it so we'll be doing that next Wednesday morning as school's finish Thursday. I'm both excited and dreading it!

Her Dad is now on his Summer holidays and has some time off so he took her for a few hours Tuesday evening, she came back to me after school and told me everything he had said. He's tried his best to convince her it's a bad idea (as he threatened he would!) told her that she wouldn't see him or nana & Grandad as much anymore etc etc. I was fuming! (Just to add, her Dad has his new girlfriend moving over here in the coming weeks with her kids so he has also moved on)

That said, 5 minutes later she was telling me what type of dog she wanted for the new house, what toys she wanted to bring and has told her friends in school that she’s moving so I'm thinking maybe his attempt at brainwashing her didn't work!

I think his main reason for going against me is that he has always liked to control or have a say in everything going on and he doesn’t have control this time. I have assured my daughter that she will still see her dad the same amount of time as before and I’m determined to keep that promise, as bad as he is to me, she absolutely adores him and I wouldn’t get in the way of that.

We will see how she gets on Wednesday – I’ll be a bag of nerves!! She’ll probably be fine.

There are loads of activities & camps on over the summer I’m trying to get her to pick one she likes and see if she can make a buddy

I’ll let ye know how it goes!!

Peppery · 22-06-2018 07:44PM

I moved a few times as a child and have some idea of the child’s perspective. I moved at a similar age to your child and I can tell you it didn’t affect me or my siblings in the slightest. I moved as a teenager and that was a lot more difficult but even that, if handled better, could have worked out fine.
I am a teacher and I see kids moving schools with ease all the time.Children at the age of seven change friends frequently and it’s always way less fuss for children to change classes/groups/friends than their parents imagine. You sound like you’ve really thought it through and you’re putting in place strategies to make sure you’re limiting any potential effects on your child and you’ll be well aware if anything does appear. You sound like you’re make the best decision for your family and are coming from a place of genuinely wanting the best for your family - you don’t sound selfish in the slightest!

Also, to repeat other posters....half an hour is an ridiculously easy distance!! There’s no reason why even the grandparents, if they’re that bothered about seeing her even more, couldn’t pop over for tea in the evening.

Blaizes · 22-06-2018 08:34PM

jlm29 wrote: »

My kids school has a couple of after school services near by that also run summer camps. Could you talk to the principal of the new school about this and see if there’s camps that the kids in her class are more likely to be at so she’ll meet some of them over the summer?
It’s a lot of upheaval, but you sound like you’ve played this well, thought it out, and it’s not some flight of fancy. Changing schools is a big thing, so doing it sooner rather than later is ideal. I have a six and a half year old, and while he has lots of friends in his class, they still seem to play in bigger groups, he doesn’t have one “best friend” yet.

That's a really good point you've made around making best friends. My eight year old doesn't have a best friend yet, has chopped and changed with friends in the playground and gets along well with most of them but no best friend yet. This must come later.

This is good for you to hear op as the playing field seems to be wide open for your daughter in terms of making new friends and finding the' best friend'.As I've said mine still chops and changes and I think it will be another year at least before there is a best friend. Girls are especially fickle whereas boys seem to be more straightforward.

Lord Nikon · 25-06-2018 01:34PM

A 30 minute drive for the ex is nothing really, but how far is he currently travelling to see his child?

movingaway1 · 26-06-2018 09:51AM

So I measured the distance exactly the other day and it's about 40 minutes in total, sorry I was wrong about the 30!at the moment he lives about 15 minutes from where I am and when he is home, 90% of the time it's me driving to drop and collect our daughter as he's always tight for time etc. (and for a quiet life!)
He has not let up on his refusal to accept that we're moving. He's done his best to turn my daughter against the idea rather than let her make up her own mind.
He's also said if we do move that he won't be driving to meet me half way when it's his weekend to take her, that he shouldn't have extra petrol costs just cos I'm moving etc.etc.
She is going to check out the classroom for 2 hours tomorrow morning, she was initially excited about it but I think he has changed that, she's now saying she doesn't want to go. He's making this really hard.

lazygal · 26-06-2018 09:57AM

In fairness, she can't really make up her own mind can she? The adults are the ones who'll decide on the move, not her. If she decided herself she didn't want to move, would you stay put or move and try to convince her to make the best of it?

Moving 7 year old to a different town and school

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