Abortion in marriage.

18-05-2018 4:25pm #1

So here's one I was wondering about.

While I'm a yes voter and believe that a woman can do as she wishes, what do you think is potential fall out of the woman (wife in this instance) having or not having an abortion if the other spouse preferred the opposite.

Would it be a marriage breaker for you if your wife had an abortion of a child you desperately wanted, or didn't have one and locked you into raising a child you were not ready for?

As for myself? I honestly don't know what it would do for me

randomname2005 · 18-05-2018 4:27pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

So here's one I was wondering about.

While I'm a yes voter and believe that a woman can do as she wishes, what do you think is potential fall out of the woman (wife in this instance) having or not having an abortion if the other spouse preferred the opposite.

Would it be a marriage breaker for you if your wife had an abortion of a child you desperately wanted, or didn't have one and locked you into raising a child you were not ready for?

As for myself? I honestly don't know what it would do for me

Good question. I don't know and hopefully won't be in the situation. If kids weren't discussed before some partners might never know

Woden · 18-05-2018 4:30pm

While not always possible I understand but generally I think you shouldn't be blind sided in your relationship by this events like this from my perspective.

If you've got to the point of marriage i'd expect to have had conversations about having or not having children already and what to do in the event that said pregnancy was wanted not wanted by one or more parties. Or what you would do in the event of complications in the pregnancy.

18-05-2018 4:40pm

Woden wrote: »

While not always possible I understand but generally I think you shouldn't be blind sided in your relationship by this events like this from my perspective.

If you've got to the point of marriage i'd expect to have had conversations about having or not having children already and what to do in the event that said pregnancy was wanted not wanted by one or more parties. Or what you would do in the event of complications in the pregnancy.

You could but there could be many reasons not to at a point in time

Already have children, too old, too young, economic, health etc

Woden · 18-05-2018 4:45pm

Yes but you should still have or have had a conversation about what you would or wouldn't do in the event of another pregnancy. It's only prudent from my perspective to go through the what-if scenarios

18-05-2018 4:52pm

Woden wrote: »

Yes but you should still have or have had a conversation about what you would or wouldn't do in the event of another pregnancy. It's only prudent from my perspective to go through the what-if scenarios

Well assume most people don't do that.

Also again circumstances change, people discuss something agree it, not discuss again and something happens in the interim, so the question relates to the wife (of either gender spouse) making a solo decision on the matter

DEFTLEFTHAND · 18-05-2018 5:30pm

It would end the relationship for me.

I wouldn't be capable of being intimate what that person anymore. I would be physically repulsed by them.

Calhoun · 19-05-2018 1:02am

Woden wrote: »

While not always possible I understand but generally I think you shouldn't be blind sided in your relationship by this events like this from my perspective.

If you've got to the point of marriage i'd expect to have had conversations about having or not having children already and what to do in the event that said pregnancy was wanted not wanted by one or more parties. Or what you would do in the event of complications in the pregnancy.

This i think is the right answer, before my wife and i could move forward in our relationship we had to have this type of conversation regarding kids ect.

However if it was something that they wanted to do at a later point i would expect a conversation about it, just like if i wanted to get a vasectomy a good relationship is all about partner and communication. I don't see any situation where i would not speak to my wife about something so important.

Defunkd · 19-05-2018 1:29am

I wouldn't marry without sussing out our compatability regarding children and i'm aware that sex can result in pregnancy no matter what device or method is used, so in that sense i'm ready to accept parenthood every time i get freaky. I wouldn't take kindly to anyone endangering the life of a child of mine - no matter how big or small that child is.

heretothere · 19-05-2018 1:34am

Delete my post if the rules state women can't post in here - the thread came up on the log in page.

Very interesting question. Whilst I agree with everyone that both spouses should be entering on the same page and both might firmly have decided they never wanted kids. I think it's perfectly reasonable to change your mind once you see that little blue line.

jimmycrackcorm · 19-05-2018 1:41am

What exactly is the relevant of being married? Shouldn't the debate be about the significance of the father?

The only point about marriage in this context of the referendum is to highlight yet again that unmarried father's have no rights before or after birth.

Calhoun · 19-05-2018 1:43am

heretothere wrote: »

Delete my post if the rules state women can't post in here - the thread came up on the log in page.

Very interesting question. Whilst I agree with everyone that both spouses should be entering on the same page and both might firmly have decided they never wanted kids. I think it's perfectly reasonable to change your mind once you see that little blue line.

There is no such rule.

Things can change at a later point but you both still need to talk before making a decision. If the woman decides to keep it at that stage the man needs to consider if he should or shouldnt have had a vasectomy to be sure.

19-05-2018 2:02am

heretothere wrote: »

Delete my post if the rules state women can't post in here - the thread came up on the log in page.

Very interesting question. Whilst I agree with everyone that both spouses should be entering on the same page and both might firmly have decided they never wanted kids. I think it's perfectly reasonable to change your mind once you see that little blue line.

Open to all.
You see that is the thing, no plan survives contact with the enemy and all that.

If a couple decide to have kids in 5 years but 6 months later that line appears and there is a difference of opinion then

(and lads this is a hypothetical so less of the "Well we have our entire life planned out and nothing changes that"...)

19-05-2018 2:03am

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

What exactly is the relevant of being married? Shouldn't the debate be about the significance of the father?

The only point about marriage in this context of the referendum is to highlight yet again that unmarried father's have no rights before or after birth.

Relevance is that it is much more difficult to divorce than simply break up, in general

19-05-2018 2:07am

Calhoun wrote: »

There is no such rule.

Things can change at a later point but you both still need to talk before making a decision. If the woman decides to keep it at that stage the man needs to consider if he should or shouldnt have had a vasectomy to be sure.

Ah for **** sake. The guy could simply be the one wanting to keep the child also.

What is it with this site at times, you throw out a simple enough querey for debate and people invent every possible scenario to avoid answering that simple question.

Life is not simple, people change their minds, accidents happen, circumstances change.
Christ it can be frustrating at times

Calhoun · 19-05-2018 2:09am

Deleted User wrote: »

(and lads this is a hypothetical so less of the "Well we have our entire life planned out and nothing changes that"...)

Nobody has their life planned out but pointing out that communication is a key part of a healthy relationship.

If you cannot communicate serious things as a couple then something is really wrong with your relationship and on that basis alone you should probably re-evaluate.

Calhoun · 19-05-2018 2:12am

Deleted User wrote: »

Ah for **** sake. The guy could simply be the one wanting to keep the child also.

What is it with this site at times, you throw out a simple enough querey for debate and people invent every possible scenario to avoid answering that simple question.

Life is not simple, people change their minds, accidents happen, circumstances change.
Christ it can be frustrating at times

Hold the **** up, your a yes voter so you know what i am saying is true. There is a responsibility on both adults to communicate with each other before moving forward.

If things have changed for the man and not the woman, and hypothetically she wants to abort it. Then he has to either accept it or leave but do realize if he does leave its him who has changed what he wants out of life.

AfterLife · 19-05-2018 2:37am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

or didn't have one and locked you into raising a child you were not ready for?

This could happen to me. I really don't want kids. As we hit our mid 30's I'm not really sure if I could advocate for an abortion if that's not what she wanted. I also don't think I could walk away. So bully for me I suppose.

We're both yes voters and have been together since we were 16.

the_syco · 19-05-2018 5:38am

DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »

I would be physically repulsed by them.

Because they got raped, or because they got the abortion?

fits · 19-05-2018 6:14am

A lot of abortions are carried out on married women who already have children. I think that’s the biggest cohort. I’m sure there is conflict over these things. But you need to make these decisions as a couple. A woman might have all sorts of reasons why she may not continue pregnancy.

listermint · 19-05-2018 6:38am

Why does the conversation have to be about abortion, it could be about your spouse taking 10 grand out of a joint account and spending it on goods and services without a conversation.

These types of questions are fundamental to communication in relationships and taking the other person's opinion and coming to an agreement.

If communication doesn't work and you don't actually discuss things in general then a relationship can't really work abortion or not marraige or not

I think the open question is narrow and flawed. For what purpose I really don't know.

How about a thread where I can't communicate with my other half they don't take my opinion on anything..... See what the answers would be.

DEFTLEFTHAND · 19-05-2018 6:57am

the_syco wrote: »

Because they got raped, or because they got the abortion?

Had an abortion with my child.

RobAMerc · 19-05-2018 7:14am

this doesn't have to be about abortion, this is about 1 member of a couple doing something the other doesn't want.
Couples need to come to a solution together, if both are intransigent on any topic it will cause issues and ultimately lead to problems with the marriage.

Addle · 19-05-2018 8:33am

Watch/read Revolutionary Road if you want to know the effect of abortion not being legal on a marriage.

Tell me how · 19-05-2018 8:41am

Calhoun wrote:

Nobody has their life planned out but pointing out that communication is a key part of a healthy relationship.

If you cannot communicate serious things as a couple then something is really wrong with your relationship and on that basis alone you should probably re-evaluate.

I think you're very naive if you don't realize how people and circumstances change over time.

And also, that people even within relationships/marriage always have reasonable balanced conversations.

I also think the conversation should be extrapolated for those not married to consider the "right to choose" of both parties.

One eyed Jack · 19-05-2018 10:21am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Ah for **** sake. The guy could simply be the one wanting to keep the child also.

What is it with this site at times, you throw out a simple enough querey for debate and people invent every possible scenario to avoid answering that simple question.

Life is not simple, people change their minds, accidents happen, circumstances change.
Christ it can be frustrating at times

There's nothing wrong with the site, there's a lot wrong with the way you asked your question, so much wrong with it that you avoided answering it yourself by saying you don't know what you'd do, and now you're complaining because people are thinking about the potential possibilities and going beyond the scope and limitations of your question. It sounds to me like you just want to hear answers that suit you tbh, but as you say yourself - life isn't that simple.

I can't answer the question the way it's phrased in the opening post. I read over it and over it and over it again, and I still don't get what you're asking. I don't understand it. I can't give you a definitive answer to a hypothetical scenario!

Tell me how · 19-05-2018 10:25am

One eyed Jack wrote:

I can't answer the question the way it's phrased in the opening post. I read over it and over it and over it again, and I still don't get what you're asking. I don't understand it. I can't give you a definitive answer to a hypothetical scenario!

You can't understand this question?

Deleted User wrote:

Would it be a marriage breaker for you if your wife had an abortion of a child you desperately wanted, or didn't have one and locked you into raising a child you were not ready for?

Don't know if that's the OP's fault.

It is a very deep question in terms of an individual's answer but it is fairly valid given the current conversation.

Experience_day · 19-05-2018 10:26am

listermint wrote: »

Why does the conversation have to be about abortion, it could be about your spouse taking 10 grand out of a joint account and spending it on goods and services without a conversation.

These types of questions are fundamental to communication in relationships and taking the other person's opinion and coming to an agreement.

If communication doesn't work and you don't actually discuss things in general then a relationship can't really work abortion or not marraige or not

I think the open question is narrow and flawed. For what purpose I really don't know.

How about a thread where I can't communicate with my other half they don't take my opinion on anything..... See what the answers would be.

You are comparing ending a life (having children is an integral part of lots of peoples relationships) to taking money out of a joint account? wut...

If you can't see why it could be an issue, you might take yourself down to the Doctor and see if you can get a late autistic diagnosis?

19-05-2018 10:38am

Tell me how wrote: »

It is a very deep question in terms of an individual's answer but it is fairly valid given the current conversation.

I thought that it was a fairly straightforward question, with potentially large ramifications.

I don't know, people just like to argue I guess

BarryD2 · 19-05-2018 10:40am

Can't see any issue. It's the woman who has to carry and bear the child, so it should always be her decision to do what's best for her. I'm inclined to the view that women are wiser around these matters than men and their judgement should be trusted. If the marriage can't survive that, well that's the way of it.

Calhoun · 19-05-2018 10:53am

Tell me how wrote: »

I think you're very naive if you don't realize how people and circumstances change over time.

And also, that people even within relationships/marriage always have reasonable balanced conversations.

I also think the conversation should be extrapolated for those not married to consider the "right to choose" of both parties.

No I understand people's situation change over time but as I said above if the couple had originally agreed they didn't want kids and the man in this situation as described above changed his mind then should he force his partner to give birth ?

Also I am calling out that one person changing their mind over time is allowed but they have to understand that they are the own changing their mind and not their partner, so you cannot hold it against your partner for staying true to their original standpoint.

Abortion in marriage.

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