Broke up - destroyed by ex's silence afterwards

18-04-2018 06:05PM

I think the general advice is once you have done the breaking up with someone, it's cruel to stay in contact, particularly if they have any kind of hope or anything. you clearly did especially after you sent the letter - i'm not blaming you here, we've all been there - and so maybe she was following that general advice. staying in contact with you would have been prolonging the pain.
As someone else said, i don't think there is a closure conversation. anything she said, which she already did, could be followed with 'but why' into eternity

best of luck

mrkilkenny2018 · 08-05-2018 04:16PM

Hi OP here again.

Sorry to resurrect my thread but a sort of not so great update.
I'm not doing so well at the moment.

Well, it's been a month after I started this thread - 4 months since the absolute break-up.
No contact since - except for me writing that 'nice' none-begging letter a while after breakup- just wishing her well and good luck.

I want to move on but I seem to be getting worse not better
The advice is "time will heal" - and make it easier to cope with.
It isn't - its seems to be getting harder and I'm tired of feeling so rubbish.

I AM keeping busy - have 2 kids from a separation who make me happy and keep me busy for the couple days in the week they are with me. Then working and commuting rest of week etc.

I think I'm verging on obsessing over my ex.

I am trying not to, but I find myself doing silly things, like checking car reg numbers of cars that look like hers just in case I bump into her on my travels. I have to stop myself doing this when driving !!
She lives 1.5hrs away so chances she is around my town anyway are minimal, but I still find myself doing it.

I wake up at like 4am completely wrecked but all I think about is her and imagining her in bed asleep - or possibly with someone else. Or trying to remember all the many good times we had and going over the build up to the breakup ...or during the day I will be thinking, she'll be on lunch now, or she finishes early today...etc.

I search for her on facebook several times a day.
I am not her 'friend' and she is private, so all I see is her profile pic.

She recently changed her profile pic (from one that was taken on a really lovely weekend break we went on together).

It left me feeling absolutely gutted that she had obviously moved on and replaced 'our' picture - resulting in rekindling the same feeling I had immediately after breakup - rejected/desperate/panic/sadness etc..

Then to complete the full stalker action I was then checking to see who had liked her new profile picture - further trying to torture myself almost !

Obviously she is perfectly entitled to do this, move on, and I do believe she is with someone else now but not 100%, (and I know its none of my business) but thoughts are crossing my mind of going to where she might be just to make sure she is with someone else - so I don't have to wonder anymore.

But no, I wouldn't do this, as that is full on crackers, full on stalker ex - which I am very close to being now.

At what point do I really worry about this?

I know its not healthy or reasonable to be behaving like this and would love to just move on but doesn't seem to happening naturally.

I have thought about contacting her but I've read enough threads on these pages to know this would be the very worst idea and nothing good would come from it.

I guess I still hope she would contact me to just see that I was alright or to say hello - but the reasonable part of me tells me I'm well in her past at this stage.

I'm not looking to get back with her as what I think she has done wasn't particular in character for the person I thought she was in the relationship. Yes some people say its the only clean way to end a relationship - I still think its very harsh and unnecessary and really has tainted the whole relationship for me - and I'm left wondering the whats and whys about the relationship and the breakup.

This may sound ridiculous, but what I think I really needed was a proper discussion after breakup to discuss and acknowledge each other's position and even a hug goodbye, to end it nicely - from a selfish point of view it would have helped my acceptance of the situation. Obviously she did it the way she wanted to do it and was easiest for her...
A cold barrier of "its over"......then nothingness.
I'd get that way if it ended badly or I was a right dose or possessive/controlling etc - but I really wasn't like that (despite my apparent stalker tendencies ! )

(I have never begged for her back.)

Not sure what I am looking for here - just desperate to get over this and get on with life and I'm tired of feeling so low.

Do I need counselling at this stage or is it still early days ?

I need and want to move on but at this stage I don't know how to.

GreeBo · 08-05-2018 04:21PM

mrkilkenny2018 wrote: »

This may sound ridiculous, but what I think I really needed was a proper discussion after breakup to discuss and acknowledge each other's position and even a hug goodbye, to end it nicely - from a selfish point of view it would have helped my acceptance of the situation.

I really dont think it would have helped.
You are still invested, she isnt. You need to accept that and move on.
Checking her account daily isnt moving on.

She will pop into your head, thats normal, but rather than dwell on it you need to push thoughts of her out and distract yourself with something else.

This will get easier and you will need to do it less and less over time.

Time only heals wounds when you stop picking at them...you are picking multiple times per day so of course its going to fester.

woodchuck · 08-05-2018 04:21PM

OP time is a healer... but you need a lot longer than one month. From my own experiences I've tended to feel worse before feeling better... I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but I think it's important that you know that change really does take quite a bit of time. But it will come.

I don't think it's too early to consider counselling though. It might do you some good?

Oh and block her on Facebook. That way you'll be less tempted to "stalk" her profile.

Ursus Horribilis · 08-05-2018 05:10PM

I think it's time to see a counsellor too. You've not progressed very far since your first post. That letter she didn't reply to is still eating you up. You're thinking about her a lot, you're stalking her Facebook. It's a repetitive cycle and you can't get out of it. Trashing this out with a counsellor and getting help from someone who knows how to deal with these things sounds like the way to go.

beefburrito · 08-05-2018 05:33PM

I remember my worst break up ever, it was horrific.
I ended up really depressed over it.
That was nearly 8 year's ago.
But it was the making of me, looking back I blamed her for everything,totally consumed by it being her fault.

Looking back now I wouldn't blame her for walking away from me.

As a man I can say we only tell our side of the story and unintentionally block out how needy and codependent we were before the break up.

Nothing better than a broken heart to get a man or woman to grow up and realize that people need space, and respect.

There's always two sides to a breakup, women don't get pissed off with guys for no reason.

Letting go is hard but you've got to realize she made her decision and doesn't want you in her life

Mackerel and Avocado Sandwich · 08-05-2018 06:11PM

You’ll get tired of checking her stuff etc, you’ll probably laugh at how pathetic you’ve been acting one day, I know I do. Just keep going and putting one foot after another. Whatever you do don’t contact her or you’re back to square one, but if that’s what you’re gonna do we aren’t going to change your mind on it!

mrkilkenny2018 · 08-05-2018 09:38PM

I think I definitely was needy and codependant at the end... so was she for a long time in the relationship, to the point where I was thinking oh-oh this is not good, she is really needy. At one stage I literally couldn't go to the toilet in my house without her wondering why I hadn't answered the phone or why it took so long to respond (I'd been chatting to my mum).

We were both full on for most of the relationship (I believe, but now doubting everything now - maybe she wasnt) - talking about future...buying a house...moving in etc. Up until not that long ago.

Somewhere it swung full circle, I was very very invested in the relationship up until the end it seems (obviously), while she was quietly (unbeknownst to me) winding us down in her own head in the leadup to the breakup - despite her suggesting that we could work if we calmed down the relationship to meet up less frequently, due to her family issues.

Even a few days before the breakup she changed her own 'rules' and said she wanted me staying over more at hers - weird and mixed messages.

This is why I think a meetup after breakup to discuss would have been good, so I can understand what the hell happened and how I got the complete wrong end of the stick about her discussion days earlier when she said very positive things (that she really didn't need to say if she was breaking up with me, like suggesting staying over - just seems really cruel)

I'm encouraged, beefburrito, in that this could give me a solid lesson in relationships. I bloody hope so !! If I don't learn from this I need shooting.
I understand why someone might be quite guarded going into a relationship now and not go in with their heart open - which is what I seemed to have done.

I was married for many years but the marriage failure was a long drawn out process. None of these current feeling were present when the marriage ended. This is the first real relationship breakup where I was totally invested and it hurts like hell.

Yeah I know she has gone and thats it. I hear that and get that - however I obviously have an issue with just accepting the circumstances of that and need more info somehow and cant at this time just let the situation drift into history. I need to appreciate I'm not going to get closure and for my own sanity I need to just accept its happened, let it go, heal and move on. (sounds very straightforward

As was pointed out above I am caught in some sort of loop where I need to know more about what has happened. I'm almost on auto pilot just clicking on facebook ...its almost a habit now. Its ridiculous and totally take the point that it is poking at the wound over and over and will never heal as long as I keep poking.

I was starting to get sick of checking her facebook profile pic as it hasn't changed since our trip last year that the pic was from - then when it changed a few days ago my heart just sank like a stone - was gutted. Totally unreasonable I know ! I think that was why I was checking as I knew one day she would change it and that day came and opened the wound wide open again.

In my unbalanced state I really want to contact her. But I definitely will not make contact. I tried to communicate via the letter I wrote and got nothing back (although I have convinced myself several times it may have got lost in the post FFS !!).....and I know I will likely regret sending that letter in the future, but can only act on what I felt like doing at the time I suppose.

I guess i have to think about counselling.....or have faith that time will heal me and just keep plodding forward and pack in the stalking.

Thanks for the thoughts and advice.

justfillmein · 08-05-2018 10:13PM

you are who you are.
try not to let other people's actions change you.

you shouldn't regret sending that letter.
you had all good intentions when you sent it, and you shouldn't feel bad for that, now or any time in the future.

it sound's like you are having a tough time.
I hope things ease up for you soon:)

08-05-2018 11:44PM

mrkilkenny2018 wrote: »

I AM keeping busy - have 2 kids from a separation who make me happy and keep me busy for the couple days in the week they are with me. Then working and commuting rest of week etc.

Your two kids need you, remember this foremost and always. They need you to remain a strong father to them. We've all been there with exes. It sounds a cliche but it does get easier. The trick is to keep busy and keep making new goals. Wallowing in self pity does no one any good. Talk to someone if it does help but dont condemn yourself to some sort of twilight zone.

Set goals, take up a new hobby, meet new people. For god sake the world is too big a place to obsess over one girl who has long forgotten you sorry to be blunt. Its gone and done. Nothing can be done about it.

The biggest regret you might have is that you will look back someday and realise that you wasted precious time obsessing over someone who wasnt into you enough for the long haul while ignoring the world of potential out there. Its a short life mate. Not worth it.

Learn from the relationship experience and put it to practice when you do meet that one girl who will stick around in good times and bad.

Big Bag of Chips · 09-05-2018 10:17AM

OP, my impression from reading your posts is that
1 she did the right thing by cutting contact. Maintaining contact, even to reply and wish you well would just be prolonging the break up. Because if she replied, you might have replied etc. I know you say you didn't expect anything from the letter, but you did want acknowledgment from her. You wanted communication. You wanted to talk to her. In order to break up and move on, somebody had to stop the contact. And that wasn't going to be you.

2 (and I may be totally wrong in this) but I get the impression she is/was seeing someone else. You mention that she was quite insistent on checking your phone and knowing your passwords etc. Quite often when people behave like that it is because they are projecting their own behaviour on to others. So it's very likely that she was guilty of cheating/contacting others and judged you by her standards. You never thought to check her phone, because you never considered cheating, or that she would cheat.

Also her changing her mind so quickly on plans made could be because something else came up. Somebody else contacted her to make plans.

I may be way off. But either way it's irrelevant. You need to move on. Of course you know this. But you need to force yourself to do it. You need to keep busy. Join a group/class/sport anything that gets you out and meeting people. Something that involves a group activity that occupies your time and mind. A cycling club, a running club, a drama group, a football team, a dance class, a musical group. Groups always welcome new members and volunteers.

Time will heal. Eventually. But it is going to take time. You need to block her on Facebook so that you can't easily look her up. You cannot possibly move on and forget her while you are constantly checking up on her. Make a promise to yourself that you are not going to look up her profile again. And then actually stop yourself whenever you feel the urge. If you block her, it will make looking her up more difficult and it will take a few extra steps. That should deter you and remind you to not continue.

You need to find something that fills your time, so that you have less time to devote to looking her up/thinking about her.

LegacyUser · 09-05-2018 12:47PM

Op, I've read everything you've posted and I think you would benefit from looking up the Narcissistic cycle of abuse. It goes 1. Idealise 2. Devalue 3. Discard.

You describe a period of bliss and happiness, then noticing she was pulling away, then reassurance from her before she dropped you with zero warning. These are not the actions of a stable person. The paranoia about your phone would also fit with this type of disorder. You really shouldn't have to show your messages to a trusted partner.

You mention that you now doubt things she told you. I would listen to those doubts, it's usually instinct telling you something is wrong. Would you agree that you never really knew where you stood with your ex? Would you say everything had to be on her terms? People like this are incredibly difficult to get over. The highs and happiness are incredible and then....nothing. You also mentioned her child had addiction issues. Children of these types often do.
There are too many red flags popping up in what you've mentioned.

I think you would benefit from talking this over with a therapist. Sometimes it's helpful to run it by an outsider. They may notice patterns that you don't.
As difficult as it is, be glad this woman is gone from your life. A lifetime together would have been very difficult and miserable for you. Be very wary of any contact she makes in future. Do not contact her again. You sound like a decent sort and you deserve to be treated with respect.

mrkilkenny2018 · 09-05-2018 08:10PM

Thanks for the comments - food for thought alright.

I understand (mostly from boards) when a relationship ends, zero contact is the way to go, to enable healing and sever the emotional ties/dependency and allow the mind to detach and get used to never seeing/hearing from the person you love ever again.
I do get that. I also get that it is very very harsh...but prob the best way.

The breakup phone call was stony cold, frosty, unemotional, offered no real answers other than 'we just want different things', "no, I don't want to meet up". It was like a totally different person on the phone from the person I knew. No sign of anything - almost like she didn't care or was angry with me. That's why I wrote the letter as I hated that call being the last communication between us - it didn't reflect the relationship and I didn't and still don't get what happened at the end.
I am pleased I wrote the letter , but I know that I will regret it later on when my head is sorted.

I had thought the letter might provoke some sort of emotional response in her and she would respond with something/anything, even though in the letter I made no suggestion of getting back together. In reality she prob just screwed it up or shared it with her grown up daughters and laughed at how daft I turned out - or didn't read it at all.

I suppose my need for some sort of contact following breakup is almost looking for an acknowledgement that we had a relationship at all in her eyes.. and things were good at some point and even to agree that circumstances have changed (her family needs apparently)... and we both agree that we are better off looking elsewhere and ending our relationship. As I say previously even a "I wish you well, but it is definitely goodbye".
I would have been gutted still but would have removed so much fuzz and my confusion around the breakup .....and then the 'no contact' after would have been bearable and the right thing for me.

Genuinely and honestly I would not have begged for another chance - a letter or meetup might have helped me understand the missing pieces between her saying she was "excited to give us a go, stay over at mine" ....to her breaking up. From my side of the fence not a thing had changed between her offering more ...and then breaking up. It felt like she bigged the whole relationship thing up to then bring it crashing down within a few days.
I couldn't do that to someone ...ever. It doesn't add up to me. Its something you might do to someone you hate or want revenge on. That scares me and confuses the hell out of me and makes me think i was way off thinking our relationship was normal/great in the main.

Yes she did call all the shots in the relationship. When I go through the positives and negatives of the relationship, it looks a no brainer in that it was destined to fail eventually (despite all the many good times and shared massive life experiences, good and bad), but for me it was not a natural ending - there is a chapter missing in my book.
Maybe I will think at some point it was a blessing that it ended when it did.

Yes, the idea of her seeing someone else at the same time has been bouncing around in my head - but I cant explain it away on that as I have no evidence/proof - despite all my stalking ! (I'm not a very good stalker in fairness !!). She did start cooling down + lack of intimacy - so that might add to the story. As has been said - it makes no real difference now if she was cheating, but would obviously impact my trust going into any next relationship and would taint my view of the relationship I had (I doubt the whole relationship now anyway)

The only real time we went close to breaking up previous is when we were away and she grabbed my phone in the hotel , I told her to put it down, she then opened a whatsapp message. I was annoyed because it let someone at work know I had read the message. She turned it around and went ballistic to say I had something to hide and why did I never have my phones open (I always did or she had the password). I explained the situation calmly. It ruined our weekend away. She had MAJOR issues with trust regarding my phones/tablet and even said she was going to go to counselling to get it sorted when she eventually came around. I NEVER once checked her phone - as i thought it was unnecessary and her private business - and she knew that. I regret not looking now.

I have managed to go the day without looking at her on facebook - as I say its almost a habit. Yaaaay for me ! Baby steps.
Just need to break that silly habit.

I read up on the Narcissistic cycle of abuse and some of it is scarily fitting in with what has happened. Not all of it fits but some of it is very accurate.
'Generally very sudden, and without warning. “Light switch” like approach to both the relationship and the partner (I love you/you don’t exist)', 'Lack of Closure', 'disappears when new victim is lined up'.
I'd love to explain it all away on her having these problems, as it will help me understand her actions, but I don't know.

I do fit the 'Mr nice guy'/victim profile it seems - they type of person they prey on. Not a good thing to be - just waiting to be taken advantage of and manipulated. Regardless of whether she falls into that category of person or not, I was overdependent on her when she did the discarding. I need to get wiser and stronger to never let it impact me in this way again.
Yes one of her daughters is an addict, - so that fits also. Both her daughters have a myriad of psychological issues that my ex told me about (scary stuff) that came out of rehab.
It is very interesting stuff you have pointed out and I will be watching out for these types if/when I decide to dip my toe back into the water.

At times (even today) I see glimmers of what life would/could be like without her being in my head and its almost a feeling of euphoria and optimism.
I am desperate to be free of 'it' but as all the wise people on here say - give it time.

WIZWEB · 11-05-2018 03:41PM

Hi OP,

Reading this got little alarm bells ringing for me too that you might be dealing with a narcissist (Based upon my own experience with one high on the spectrum). The poster that highlighted this explained the correlations to your experience really well. However several of my points below relate to any toxic relationship so the title of narcissist does not need to be confirmed.

Speculating you were possibly a good form of narcissistic supply. Empaths and codependents tend to be ideal targets/victims. However we're just objects to Narcs. Possibly you've been put back on the shelf while she may be engaging in a new lucrative source/s of supply. It might be another partner or other acquaintances giving her the constant attention and admiration they demand. The honeymoon period never lasts though as you've discovered. When he/they grow stale to her you may be taken back down from that shelf to use and abuse again until a new shiny 'toy' gets their attention. Believe me every time you rengage in such manipulations the personal mental toll on you increases. In essence you will feel a lot worse than now as a consequence of having any further contact. See your discard as a gift to work on yourself.

Engaging with such people that inflict such emotional highs and lows causes an addiction to them. A trauma bond in essence. If she is a narcissist you must realise that you will never get closure. Your other needs will not be met (for long) if you reangage in such a toxic relationship

Instead about these questions you want answers for regarding the breakup you need to ask yourself some tough questions (like I needed to). Why are you still obsessed about someone who has shown you disrespect on several levels. Why did you stay with them as the devaluations escalated. Have you history of similar relationship dynamics (family, partner, friendships). Do you find 'normal' drama free relationships boring. Are you stuck in a loop where constantly engaging in discourse about this person is actually feeding your addiction to them etc. Not getting at you but taking the spotlight away from them will help you heal. A good counsellor can fascilitate you exploring such topics and your obsession while developing skills for healthy future attachments.

For any toxic individual whether a narcissist or not you must instigate and maintain full No Contact to aid recovery. This includes blocking off all social media. No peeking. No going out of your way to 'accidentally' run into them and no asking others about them or engaging with 'flying monkeys': those triangulated to reengage you in the games. See this as something you can mourn but accept that they can't come back but if you let them it's as an emotional vampire to suck you dry.

Appledreams15 · 14-05-2018 02:35PM

mrkilkenny2018 wrote: »

Hi,

OP here.
Thanks for responses - really appreciated - and I think it really has helped me get a bit of perspective and points of view.

Thanks for wading through all my waffle (....more below in response)

After 3 months post breakup my ex popped into my head only occasionally and I did think I was over her, but then after I saw the FB thing the whole breakup feelings came flooding back - sick feeling in stomach/palpatations etc.
I wouldn't have dreamt of starting to date if I was feeling like this.

I didn't write a letter to get back with her (although that could have been on option I would have considered back then).
I just wanted to wish her well and for my own sake and person that I am, not leave my negative words being the last thing I had said to her - it made me feel rotten after such a wonderful relationship that I had with her.

If my take on our relationship was correct and what we had, I'd have thought she'd have wanted to wish me well also or thank me for all the happy memories or at least acknowledge that she enjoyed our time together .......or at the very very least to wish me well also.

I care because its now making me doubt my happy memories and I get the vibe that she somehow hates me for something or I have misunderstood what we had.

Just think it would be civil thing to do, to even acknowledge that we had a relationship, its over, all the best type thing.

Yes it is totally unfair on my new lady friend and yes I do feel bad.
As I say when I started dating again I thought I was ready.
I was able and excited and we've had lots of fun getting to know each other and has been really excciting for both of us.
But this bolt from the blue has knocked me massively.
I just hope that the bolt will dissapear as quick as it came now !

Perhaps my ex is trying to spare me by not contacting me at all but I think its more for her own benefit - whatever her reasons are.

In hindsight I had noticed a change in her even before we broke-up but I thought that was just because we were both taking each other a bit for granted.
She was much cooler towards me and we weren't intimate for a few weekends beforehand as she was said she was 'sick'. UTI/Migraine (More Alarm Bells going off now !)
It was like she was shutting down from us for a while, almost preparing herself for the breakup.

I am starting to wonder whether she did have someone else on the go now or someone in mind - or had started online dating etc - or maybe just fed up/bored with the relationship.

I guess just knowing the truth would be nice and so much easier to deal with and understand and allow me to move on properly.
The unfortunate reality is that I will never really know.

On the breakup call I said, "look we are never prob going to speak to each other again, would you please just do me the favour of telling me the reason why you are breaking up, 3 days ago you were looking forward to me staying over and now you're breaking up ?".

I even said I'd underdstand if she had just gone off me or fallen out of love or found someone else - just tell me the truth.

She just maintained we want different things thats the reason for the breakup. ie I wanted the big full on relationship still and she now just wants a very casual thing and doesn't have time due to family situation (daughter an addict just out of rehab - although is even that true now ?!?).

It really is ringing alarm bells that maybe she was seeing someone else.
But then she was very very anti cheating and apparently showed up a guy she was starting to date (before me) when she found out he was actually engage - telling his wife-to-be etc. Again, I'm doubting this now also.

Another alarm bell was that she was constantly accusing me of hiding my phones, keeping them locked etc. I gave her the passwords and offered her to look through them whenever she wanted tho. I had nothing to hide.

I guess its the unknown of what has gone on is causing me to go a bit demented here.
It all doesn't stack up to me and I hate unsolved mysteries, aspecially ones that make me feel worse than sh*t.

I've asked myself the question, if she contacted me and said she wanted to give it another go, would I agree to it.
The answer would be a resounding 'no way'.

Firstly she has done this to me - getting us both (or probably just me?) excited about a relationship reboot, then dumping me 3 days later, when nothing has changed (my side anyway). It just seems like a really really cruel thing to do to someone you supposedly care about.
It is therefore very likely she would do it me again, given the chance, if she fancied a change again - and I wouldn't give her that chance.

And I am now with someone else and I was/am moving on.
I feel rotten about this sitiuation now with my new lady
I just hope that I'll snap out of it again. I'll meet her in next few days and see how things are.
Just wish I could make the sh!t feeling go away.

I prob should have gone through this in my teens - so I'd know how to handle, not now in my late 30's for goodness sake !

Thanks again for the wise words - really has helped me process this situation a bit more.

I will put my 2 cents in here.

When people seem cruel in a relationship.

Or seem to be like they are going to go one way (get back) and go another

Or cut off all contact.

It is down to fear. All of us are afraid of vulnerability and relationships, especially those a little bit older who have had hearts broken in the past.

I met one man recently and was dating for a few months, and I could not decide to commit to him or not for ages. It was partly to do with him. But it was mainly to do with fear! The fear that most relationships don't work out, and not wanting to get too close to someone for fear of feeling the heartbreak pain again (the closer you get the more hurt you will feel). And he was exactly the same with me.

I wouldnt take it personally.

I actually think I want to be single for the rest of ny life. I am happy like this. I have so much freedom

Appledreams15 · 14-05-2018 02:43PM

mrkilkenny2018 wrote: »

Hi OP here again.

Sorry to resurrect my thread but a sort of not so great update.
I'm not doing so well at the moment.

Well, it's been a month after I started this thread - 4 months since the absolute break-up.
No contact since - except for me writing that 'nice' none-begging letter a while after breakup- just wishing her well and good luck.

I want to move on but I seem to be getting worse not better
The advice is "time will heal" - and make it easier to cope with.
It isn't - its seems to be getting harder and I'm tired of feeling so rubbish.

I AM keeping busy - have 2 kids from a separation who make me happy and keep me busy for the couple days in the week they are with me. Then working and commuting rest of week etc.

I think I'm verging on obsessing over my ex.

I am trying not to, but I find myself doing silly things, like checking car reg numbers of cars that look like hers just in case I bump into her on my travels. I have to stop myself doing this when driving !!
She lives 1.5hrs away so chances she is around my town anyway are minimal, but I still find myself doing it.

I wake up at like 4am completely wrecked but all I think about is her and imagining her in bed asleep - or possibly with someone else. Or trying to remember all the many good times we had and going over the build up to the breakup ...or during the day I will be thinking, she'll be on lunch now, or she finishes early today...etc.

I search for her on facebook several times a day.
I am not her 'friend' and she is private, so all I see is her profile pic.

She recently changed her profile pic (from one that was taken on a really lovely weekend break we went on together).

It left me feeling absolutely gutted that she had obviously moved on and replaced 'our' picture - resulting in rekindling the same feeling I had immediately after breakup - rejected/desperate/panic/sadness etc..

Then to complete the full stalker action I was then checking to see who had liked her new profile picture - further trying to torture myself almost !

Obviously she is perfectly entitled to do this, move on, and I do believe she is with someone else now but not 100%, (and I know its none of my business) but thoughts are crossing my mind of going to where she might be just to make sure she is with someone else - so I don't have to wonder anymore.

But no, I wouldn't do this, as that is full on crackers, full on stalker ex - which I am very close to being now.

At what point do I really worry about this?

I know its not healthy or reasonable to be behaving like this and would love to just move on but doesn't seem to happening naturally.

I have thought about contacting her but I've read enough threads on these pages to know this would be the very worst idea and nothing good would come from it.

I guess I still hope she would contact me to just see that I was alright or to say hello - but the reasonable part of me tells me I'm well in her past at this stage.

I'm not looking to get back with her as what I think she has done wasn't particular in character for the person I thought she was in the relationship. Yes some people say its the only clean way to end a relationship - I still think its very harsh and unnecessary and really has tainted the whole relationship for me - and I'm left wondering the whats and whys about the relationship and the breakup.

This may sound ridiculous, but what I think I really needed was a proper discussion after breakup to discuss and acknowledge each other's position and even a hug goodbye, to end it nicely - from a selfish point of view it would have helped my acceptance of the situation. Obviously she did it the way she wanted to do it and was easiest for her...
A cold barrier of "its over"......then nothingness.
I'd get that way if it ended badly or I was a right dose or possessive/controlling etc - but I really wasn't like that (despite my apparent stalker tendencies ! )

(I have never begged for her back.)

Not sure what I am looking for here - just desperate to get over this and get on with life and I'm tired of feeling so low.

Do I need counselling at this stage or is it still early days ?

I need and want to move on but at this stage I don't know how to.

Don't beat yourself up. We've all been obsessive and crazy over an ex. The heart can hurt! You can get stuck in a rut of thinking.
What REALLY helped me get over an ex was meditation.
When you are hurting over an ex, you are hurting yourself with your thoughts.
Meditation stopped your thoughts.

I was having awful thoughts about seeing ny ex with his new girlfriend, jealousy is a killer, and why he seemed to be treating her better than me.

Then (I meditate anyway), but I sat down with the intention one day to meditate on this and ask for help with ny thoughts.

I meditated for a while, and my thoughts stopped, and I got a clearer picture in my mind that it would not be good for me at all to be with him, that he would resteict me, that I had alot more to do and experience in my life.

I havent had the painful thoughts since. And I have had amazing experiences that I would not have had if I stayed with him.

How I meditate: sit or lie anywhere comfortable. Make an effort to listen to the sounds around you, don't think any thoughts.
Do as long as you can. If you are a beginner. Do it for 5-10 minutes. You need to practice at it for a while, but soon it will be easy to slip into meditation.
I woulf reccomend sitting for 30 mins when you can, let your mind clear (no bad thoughts) and when you are in a peaceful state then think of the relationship

Broke up - destroyed by ex's silence afterwards

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