Partner has left me

Talkinghands87 · 22-04-2018 10:31AM

Really struggling today. It's one of my friends first wedding anniversaries. This day last year we were at the wedding and happy out. I had plans for lunch with another friend and she cancelled and I'm just feeling lonely and to be honest complete distraught. It's almost 24 hours since we were last in contact. The longest since almost 12 years ago. I know I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself but I'm numb.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-04-2018 10:54AM

Do not contact him today.
It is going to be the longest, hardest day of your life. But try to do something. Go somewhere. Even the cinema for a few hours. Leave your phone at home. And busy yourself. One friend cancelled.. ask another friend to do something. It's a lovely day. Go for a drive somewhere nice, go for a walk and have lunch.

The way he has treated you is abysmal. After over 10 years together he can't even give you the time of day. Yet as you said he's ok going out with friends.

Nothing can make this easier for you. You're just going to have to plod through it. But I think now you do have to accept that you need to make decisions. He's not coming back. He's not coming back to the apartment. He's not coming back to Dublin. It all feels sht now, but that will lessen.

But please, do not contact him today.

Talkinghands87 · 22-04-2018 11:04AM

Big Bag Of Chips,

You always are the voice of reason on these threads. I'm going to try my best to keep distracted today. I'm staying down home tonight and will drive to Dublin in the morning it will keep me busy and give me an early night.

I've not told my parents how bad it's gotten, I'm honestly not ready to face them until I've accepted it myself. If that makes sense.

My counsellor said I need to show him that I'm strong that I'm not some puppy who always sticks around no matter what. I want him to be better too and I don't want to hinder that either.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-04-2018 11:40AM

You don't need to tell anyone anything until you're ready. Hey, you've kept plenty of things hidden from people for quite a while now, so there's no rush!! I sympathise so much with you. My husband and I almost separated and it was the hardest time of my life. But you need to accept that it doesn't matter how much you want this to work, one person on their own can't save a relationship. You can carry it for so long, and you can put yourself to the side for someone else, but long-term it can't work if both people aren't invested in making it work. And right now, he's not invested.

He may realise what he's missing and come back to you, or he may not. You can't depend on him suddenly realising he can't live without you. But, if he does come back to you (which he might if he realises you're not chasing after him anymore) then you need to let him know what you will or won't tolerate any more. And walking out the door and not coming back, not talking, not offering you any explanation, reassurance etc is not on. No matter what his problems are. He needs to understand that as a couple you are meant to be each others support. If you're not each other's support... then what's the point in being together?

Talkinghands87 · 22-04-2018 01:23PM

I haven't been in touch with him but I'm so on edge everyone is pissing me off and annoying me. About an hour ago I looked at the last few messages he sent me and the line "I can't handle being with you anymore" is one that hurt like a pain ive never felt before. All I've ever wanted was what's best for him. Yes I'm probably a nag, I probably nagged him to better himself and to get some ambition over the years. I also nagged him to move abroad years ago and he said it was the best move he ever made eventually.
It's like I could see what's best for him but he couldn't and now he resents me for it.

Neyite · 22-04-2018 08:43PM

He will never come back if he thinks he's got all the time in the world and you will be waiting patiently on a shelf for him. Right now you want him to realise you are good for him, that he should be with you.

The best way of showing him what he's losing is if you actually remove yourself from his life to show him what life will be like without you in it. He can't miss you if you are still on the fringes of his life.

So visibly show you are moving on. Fake it till you make it. Keep busy, reconnect with friends, do the stuff you never could do with your ex. Cook the food he hated but you loved. Go see the band or movie you always wanted to see but he hated. Block him on your phone and social media. You need to go cold turkey on him if you want to get past feeling like this. You'll still have low days and moments you feel awful but they will get easier and less frequent in time.

And you never know, when he does finally miss you and comes back, you might have had a good think about your wants and needs for a change instead of his and find him falling short of fulfilling them.

Talkinghands87 · 22-04-2018 08:49PM

Its so easy to say and of course it's the right thing to do but it hurts so much.
Without blowing my own trumpet I know how much I've brought to his life. I know his life is better with me in it. I wish he would see that.

Neyite · 22-04-2018 09:06PM

It's easy to say, but I had a few break-ups where I felt exactly the same as you do right now, so it's tried and tested methods that helped me during those awful times.

It hurts, but being in contact with him like you are, seeing him go out with friends or maybe when you get wind of him hooking up with someone else will hurt far more and won't help you heal the pain you are feeling.

Talkinghands87 · 23-04-2018 12:04PM

It's been two days now since we've been in contact. I'm missing him but more so I'm worried about him, I want to know he is okay.

dellas1979 · 23-04-2018 12:49PM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

It's been two days now since we've been in contact. I'm missing him but more so I'm worried about him, I want to know he is okay.

He is ok. He has friends and family around him. He is not your responsibilty. You are your responsibility.

He has made things pretty clear.

Despite what is going on for him, he is/was stringing you along.

Time for you to get off the ride.

You will feel better as time goes along.

woodchuck · 23-04-2018 12:59PM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

It's been two days now since we've been in contact. I'm missing him but more so I'm worried about him, I want to know he is okay.

He's ok. He's with his family, so you don't need to worry about him.

You need to focus on yourself right now. I know you're putting on a brave face for your family/friends, but it might help to have someone to talk to?

Talkinghands87 · 24-04-2018 08:22PM

Update for those wondering (I'm sure ye all are lol)

We didn't communicate from Saturday lunch until this evening. I rang his house to see was he alright, intended to chat to his mam got his sister. Just wanted to know he was okay. Anyway he overheard the call and went ape ****. Text me saying I've to stop involving people in my ****e. I said hold on now this is YOUR ****e. He did apologise for going mad but whatever. I emailed the management company and asked about our apartment and what we need to do. Hopefully have a reply tomorrow. I told my mother I'll be moving home (hello 130km morning commute) at least for a while.
To be honest my emotions are so high that I'm considering packing it all in and going to Australia for a year. I feel completely broken and devestated that my life has turned out like this at 30 years of age.

Big Bag of Chips · 24-04-2018 08:36PM

What a coward. What an absolute coward. To be honest you've gotten your answer now. He has no interest in continuing your relationship. While you were desperately trying to not contact him over the last few days, he wasn't having the same struggle. Before he left you that first day he had already made up his mind that your relationship was a going to end. It was out of the blue for you. It was building for him for a long time.

30 is young. So young. Lick your wounds for a little while and then get out and do all the things that you have not done over the years because you were going out with him. It's horrible now, but it will get better. Much better. Life with him was never going to be easy. You'll eventually see this as a positive... Maybe when you're on a beach in Australia enjoying a Christmas Barbeque

Silverfish · 24-04-2018 08:54PM

Hi,

I've been reading this thread and my heart has been breaking for you. I've been in similar situations, and it's just awful. Awful.
My last breakup nearly killed me. But I'm going to share with you the piece of advice I was given that actually made me cry and cry but then get up and get on with my life. It's not nice and it's a bit cruel, but it's just how it is.

Rule #1. It's over. He doesn't want to be with you and has probably had these thoughts for awhile. Regardless of how much he loves you he doesn't want to be with you. He cares for you as a person but does not want to be with you in a relationship. That what it means when someone says they still love you but....

The lack of communication is better for you than being in communication with him. If you think you feel like **** without him as you realize it's over and he doesn't want to be with you. Just imagine, for a minute, how ****ty you would feel if you were talking to him daily: Constantly being reminded that it's over. Constantly being reminded that he's never coming back. Constantly reminding you that he doesn't want to be with you. That pain right there, that in your face reminder is far, far, far, far more painful that having them not around or talking to them. Far more painful. Despite how much you think it sucks breaking off communication, it's far worse keeping it.

It's like this:

There's an infinite fence in front of you, one side is you, the other is your ex. There's also a lamp post with a light that was once very bright, but now... Now it's nothing but a shell of darkness with remnants of heat left over from the once beautiful shimmering light. You can talk and communicate through the fence with each other. However, your ex has turned and walked away. You're sitting there in darkness watching them walk away. Farther, farther, farther. Now, you can sit there and watch them get farther away and hope and dream and pray and wish that it wasn't so, but there they go... Farther, farther, farther. Sit there in pain and agony or turn around and walk away, setting yourself down a new path with new beginnings and a new life and new knowledge gained from the relationship. You don't have to hate or loath to walk the other way. Just accept it and move forward. Don't linger in the darkness at the infinite fence wasting time in pain.

Best of luck OP, you can 100% without a doubt do this.

Sephiroth_dude · 24-04-2018 11:25PM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

going to Australia for a year. I feel completely broken and devestated that my life has turned out like this at 30 years of age.

You should go! he'll then realize soon enough what he's lost when you're gone and it'll be too late then .

Talkinghands87 · 25-04-2018 11:51AM

For me now what's so difficult is that I like my job and I get paid well.

I also love my ex so much. I long for him to get better. But I'm also never going to be able to forgive him for this. He says he loves me and still wants to be with me. My head is wrecked

Tell me how · 25-04-2018 12:03PM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

For me now what's so difficult is that I like my job and I get paid well.

I also love my ex so much. I long for him to get better. But I'm also never going to be able to forgive him for this. He says he loves me and still wants to be with me. My head is wrecked

There it is. You've said it. He is your ex.

I wouldn't be going so far as some and calling him a coward but you are where you are now and he is in the past. Whether you stay where you are, go to Australia, move back to Kilkenny or each of these in turn, it is your life to live as you choose to do it.

Very few 10 yr relationship break ups are pleasant, it's not about finding who was "wrong" as such. It happens. You don't need to forgive him for how it has ended but don't put any effort in to trying to hate your ex for doing this to you would be my advice.

You have opportunities in front of you but are entitled to grieve in a way, try not to rush in to anything maybe. It will take time.

Teyla Emmagan · 25-04-2018 12:10PM

Talkinghands87 wrote:

I also love my ex so much. I long for him to get better. But I'm also never going to be able to forgive him for this. He says he loves me and still wants to be with me. My head is wrecked

He is just being selfish now. He wants to have his cake and eat it, happily ignoring the difficult situation he has put you in and all the pain he has put you through in the last few weeks. I would break all contact with him at this stage. How easy you are making it all for him otherwise. He has shown no regard for you. Keep that firmly at the front of your mind and move on.

Neyite · 25-04-2018 12:24PM

He says he loves me and still wants to be with me.

This is him keeping you as a back up plan. He doesn't want to be with you but also doesn't want you moving on yet until he is sure, or has found a replacement - sorry.

You deserve better.

qwerty13 · 25-04-2018 11:25PM

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

going to Australia for a year. I feel completely broken and devestated that my life has turned out like this at 30 years of age.

You should go! he'll then realize soon enough what he's lost when you're gone and it'll be too late then .

I completely disagree. I can understand the OP feeling that way, but I think it’s terrible advice to give to the OP to turn their life upside down in the hope that the ex will realise what he has lost. That is such a negative thing, and still keeping the OP ‘attached’ to the ex.

It would be far better for the OP to make positive, happy, and goals-driven plans for the future. Not revenge / “I’ll show you” ones

Sephiroth_dude · 26-04-2018 07:41AM

qwerty13 wrote: »

I completely disagree. I can understand the OP feeling that way, but I think it’s terrible advice to give to the OP to turn their life upside down in the hope that the ex will realise what he has lost. That is such a negative thing, and still keeping the OP ‘attached’ to the ex.

It would be far better for the OP to make positive, happy, and goals-driven plans for the future. Not revenge / “I’ll show you” ones

Never said anything about the OP taking revenge

I meant she shouldn't put her life on hold for this fellow and go travel if that's what she wants, put herself first for once.

qwerty13 · 26-04-2018 07:50AM

Seph, you might have *meant* what you just posted now, but what you actually said was “he'll then realize soon enough what he's lost when you're gone and it'll be too late then .”

What you said is IMO a very negative view, and ‘hanging on’ to what the ex thinks / how the ex will perceive it. The only reason I mention that is because it’s a very easy / tempting cycle to fall into, and I think taking actions with that motivation hampers recovery in the same way as being in contact with an ex does.

kunst nugget · 26-04-2018 08:40AM

Neyite wrote: »

This is him keeping you as a back up plan. He doesn't want to be with you but also doesn't want you moving on yet until he is sure, or has found a replacement - sorry.

You deserve better.

I wouldn't have thought it was as manipulative and calculating as that. If he's still stuck in his depression, he's not really going to know his arse from his elbow in an emotional sense.

A good friend of mine ended in a psychiatric hospital after developing depression related to anxiety issues. They said they loved their partner and wanted to be with them but in the weeks preceding their hospitalisation they thought of nothing but escaping their life as they had become so overwhelmed by the negative thoughts and the grip depression had over them. They've since come out the other side thanks to the help they received in the hospital and haven't had a relapse in the years since although they are conscious about looking after their mental health.

heretothere · 27-04-2018 03:51PM

I just read all 10 pages of this. You've been getting some great advice. I know depression can be a big black dirty hole but it really does sound like you ex could have approached this in a much better way with you, or at least agreed to chat to you.
I know the dread of the commute, I was sent on secondment to Dublin for a year 2.5hrs each way it was not pleasant!! If you can try re-gig your hours its could help a lot e.g. 7.30am - 3.30pm it's an earlier start but you'd have less traffic.
I do know it's really hard but no communication really is the best way to go for you to start healing yourself. I also wouldn't be worried about how you'd even go about finding someone new. Way too early for that, although in a few months if someone did come along whilst I'd take it super slow don't shut out the idea either.

Talkinghands87 · 27-04-2018 05:40PM

I've really appreciated all the support this thread has brought me.
The "ex" started councelling today. Still nothing in the way of an apology or anything. Just more of the same that he has had enough of me.
Notice has been given on the apartment. I leave June 20th and really hope I get my deposit back.
This might sound pathetic but being newly single at 30 for the first time since I was 18 is the lonliest feeling I've ever had. I feel like I'm sinking into darkness and it's devestating

Tell me how · 27-04-2018 06:46PM

Talkinghands87 wrote:

I've really appreciated all the support this thread has brought me. The "ex" started councelling today. Still nothing in the way of an apology or anything. Just more of the same that he has had enough of me. Notice has been given on the apartment. I leave June 20th and really hope I get my deposit back. This might sound pathetic but being newly single at 30 for the first time since I was 18 is the lonliest feeling I've ever had. I feel like I'm sinking into darkness and it's devestating

You are still young.

Maybe some counseling for yourself would help process this?
The worst thing would be to look back in 10 years and feel you are still caught up in this experience.

Hope your friends will keep you reasonably occupied and distracted.

Senature · 27-04-2018 06:49PM

Talkinghands87 wrote: »

I've really appreciated all the support this thread has brought me.
The "ex" started councelling today. Still nothing in the way of an apology or anything. Just more of the same that he has had enough of me.
Notice has been given on the apartment. I leave June 20th and really hope I get my deposit back.
This might sound pathetic but being newly single at 30 for the first time since I was 18 is the lonliest feeling I've ever had. I feel like I'm sinking into darkness and it's devestating

It's very normal for you to feel devastated after everything that's happened. Try to trust that this situation is only temporary, life will get better, and you will feel better, a lot better with time. Unfortunately you will go through some difficult times before you get to that point, but you will get there. Mind yourself.

Talkinghands87 · 27-04-2018 07:07PM

For the last almost 12 years he has been my best friend. My shoulder to cry on, my listening ear, my fellow foodie, my warmth when I was feeling cold. I can't believe he has left me. I'm terrified of not getting through this. I'm sat alone on the couch in our apartment bawling my eyes out. I dunno what to do.

Senature · 27-04-2018 08:21PM

It seems like you have been very strong so far, but also maybe in a bit of denial, and now the reality is hitting you hard. It's a harsh reality to be dealing with and it'll hurt. Feeling the hurt, crying, talking to friends etc will all help you process the feelings and eventually move on to a much happier place. I know it probably doesn't help much to hear this but I've found myself left in an apartment after a break up of a relationship a good bit longer than yours and with almost all the sorting out to do too. I'd now thank god I'm no longer in that relationship anymore. It's amazing what a bit of time and perspective can give you. Be kind and gentle with yourself while you're feeling so upset, it won't be like this forever.

Talkinghands87 · 29-04-2018 09:55AM

So it turns out he's been going out getting pissed out of his head and chatting up girls the last few months behind my back on top of everything else. He had been home in Kilkenny quiet a lot the last few months and turns out that's what he had been doing.
My head is like a melting pot with so much to process.

Partner has left me

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