My Story and Thinking about Joining the Army

Hello, since I was about 16/17 I often thought about joining the Army full time enlisted. I’m now 21. I’m a big guy so before I put my name in there I need to lose plenty of weight and build some muscle. (I’m expecting key board warriors to call me fat or whatever so work away.) I’m going to now explain a little about myself and why I’m drawn towards becoming a soldier. So anybody who wants to or thinks they can help, please keep reading.
Through out my entire school life, I mean right down to junior infants, I was very bad at learning the traditional way, in class room with all my friends and teacher. I often struggled and cried my eyes out and nobody would listen simply because at the age I was they assumed I just a yapping 5 year old. But inside I knew it wasn’t for me. This was the exact same right up through primary school, only I was becoming more angry about it as primary school ended I was approaching puberty, Secondary School came and that was what I think and my mother thinks was the final part of the demolition of my mental health. From first year up to third year, I was constantly getting into trouble, because I was standing up for myself more. (maybe in some situations, more than I should have) I refused to do things that made me unhappy, Sitting in Irish and French classes and not having a clue what was going on and not being able to grasp it in the smallest way. (I failed both in my junior cert I think, I can’t remember) I began skipping school because I hated it so much and my parents wouldn’t listen to me when I tried to explain everything to them and what was bothering me. They just assumed I was a typical angry teenager, drinking and smoking with my friends, sometimes a bag of weed if we had the money. Which outside of school was true because let’s admit it every teenager was and is the same with their friends. But that was my release from my problems with school because academically minded I was a completely different person. In September, at the start of my Junior Cert year, my mother had a stress induced minor heart attack. Which as I got older I began thinking maybe it involved me and the pain I was causing her with not going to school and mitching if I ever did go down the road. After she recovered, I was sitting up in my room playing Xbox and she called me into the sitting room, while my Father was in town at the pub (or so I thought) she said to me one to one, that her and my father were separating. That was the end of me right then. Even though me my brother and sister all sort of wanted it to happen because he got absolutely blind drunk from Friday to Sunday and he was very angry and abusive when he was drunk. It was a massive change and was the final card played deciding on the person I would become in life. I thought he was in the pub as usual but he was actually already moving his stuff down to the apartment he rented and coming home late at night to make it look like he was in the pub all night. I wasn’t told the full reason why is was happening besides thinking about it and blaming myself. A few months later I was told why. My father was cheating on my Mam with another local woman. I was completely torn down then. I skipped transition year and went into 5th year doing the LCA programme. Barely attending school but completing my Leaving Cert so I wouldn’t take my Mam down with me as she already had it bad giving all that was going on. When I found out about my Father. I took it under myself, with no influence from anybody else to never EVER speak a word to him aslong as we both live. I still haven’t until this day. I was 15/16 then and I am now 21. After the leaving cert I tried to give college a try. Attending Bray institute of further education and studying Music Production as music is one of my few true joys and passion in life. It didn’t work out as I lasted all of two months. It also made me appreciate music more. After that it finally made my Mam see that traditional education was not for me. And it isn’t for everybody and to this day she strongly believes there is other ways to teach people that don’t learn the traditional way. Since then and becoming an adult, I have tried to attend therapy but it didn’t work and I can’t see the point in either paying somebody to talk to or having to have a medical card to talk to somebody, I don’t trust my own friends or mother enough to talk about my problems because let’s face it, people are nosey and like to hear your **** for something to tell their friends about and gossip, it’s probably my fault I think that way but in a lot of cases it’s true. I am now 21, I don’t have a job because I can’t hold onto one long enough to even see my first pay day. My anxiety and depression is through the roof because of the bull**** I seen growing up, which is why I can’t keep a job longer than a week. Getting out of bed is now a task, going down town to do adult stuff is a job on its own. Unless I’m going to meet a few friends on a Friday night for a few pints. Then I’m happy. I forget about my **** for that short while. Not because I’m hammered drunk, But because I’m surrounded by good craic and good company. I have been on anti depressants before not too long ago but stopped because I felt like a zombie and worse than I do now. As I said I’m now 21 and I feel as if I have no purpose in life. I feel like joining the Irish Army would drastically change the person I am. I have heard from other men and women that the pay is awful but that is not why I want in. I want in to change the person I am. To kill this demon that has stuck by my side my entire life. To find a purpose.
As I said I am a big guy so I need to lose weight before I go forward with it. I have another four/five years before I am too old. I need to get over my self consciousness. I could never go to a gym to work out with my friends because of the deep fear of being looked at and judged. I can’t even go outside and walk the dogs because I think I would be judged and laughed at just like going to a gym. I feel like if I beat my mental health state and joined the army I would finally be the man that school and my father took away from me.

That was an emotional mouthful but for those of you stuck it out and read about my story and what what I want in life I thank you.

I’d appreciate your input