Clash with boyfriend's and family's views

LegacyUser · 29-03-2018 12:11AM #1

I have been with my boyfriend for six months and it is going perfectly, we are very happy and in love. I am from a large town in the south while he comes from a small town in the west of the country. Very early on we knew that we have opposing views in some areas, mainly same-sex marriage and the Eighth amendment. I have found some of his opinions a hard pill to swallow but we have had lots of very healthy, constructive discussions around them. We respect each other's views and try to understand each other more than anything, rather than arguing.

He is very close to his family and I have been getting on well with them thus far. However, when I visited last month I realised that their views did, of course, reflect his. But in a far more disrespectful, and offensive way. On one of our last visits, one of his family members made some extremely discriminatory remarks about homosexuals. They offended me but I did not comment at the time, probably me just me being cowardly and not wanting to cause any awkwardness. My boyfriend was not present but luckily another family member stepped in and cautioned against the language that was used. Whilst discussing a domestic abuse case, several members of his family made extremely disturbing comments about women, which again, deeply offended me. His views aligned with mine on this matter and he stepped in to challenge the rhetoric being used, whilst I did chime in with some responses also (in more of a civil, than argumentative tone).

I guess my issue here is that while the difference in opinions isn't directly affecting our relationship, it could be affecting my relationship with his family. I have grown more personal dislike toward some members of the family and know I will be less enthused on visiting them in the future, which obviously would not be fair on him as they are a tight knit family. It is a shame because on all other levels, I had really liked them. I am also aware that some of his family may sense my stances and that they may dislike me for them, and potential 'influence' I could have. I know the best thing to do would be to chat to him about it, but I'm very afraid of it being taken the wrong way and him thinking that I don't care for his family, when they are the centre of his world. The last thing I want to do is cause hassle, when I'm still getting to know them. Has anybody come across a similar situation and found the correct way to broach it?

LoMismo · 29-03-2018 06:00PM

Their views may be somewhat backwards but don’t let that be your problem. Try to just accept them for who they are. People with silly views generally haven’t much experience outside of their own world and if they did I doubt they’d be homophobic or racist etc. They’re probably still good people. Maybe try and focus on their positives. Or just don’t bother. I was seeing a girl for a bit recently and it turned out she believed in god. That was a dealbreaker for me because I couldn’t take her seriously afterwards. You shouldn’t expect your boyfriend to have to take sides either.

Dog walker 1234 · 29-03-2018 07:01PM

You are not going out with his family. You only have to tolerate them for brief periods of time. Agree to disagree with their views. Be firm in your stance without being disrespectful.

Your boyfriend is a product of his upbringing. Continue to discuss issues but don't expect for the two of you to agree on your point of view.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 29-03-2018 07:14PM

The first thing I'd say is the timing isn't great, these kind of topics are going to come up in conversation a lot more over the next couple of months, right at the point where ye are going to be getting to know each other's families. Maybe it'd be a good idea to have a busy work schedule or something until a few weeks after the referendum. There are certain topics I do not get into with certain perfectly lovely family members because I severely disagree with their views, but they're not things that they or I bring up apropos of nothing.

The second thing is, in both examples you give, somebody else stepped in. It's not a case of ten people in a room, eight of them agreeing with each other's bigotry, your BF saying nothing and you silently horrified. There's some bit of diversity of opinion within the family, and your BF doesn't let everything go unchallenged. I know how sh1t it can be to sit there and listen and feel morally compelled to say something and socially compelled to say nothing, but in this case, something is being said, by people in a much more secure position than you within the group.

JackTaylorFan · 30-03-2018 04:09AM

I'd say dump the bigoted BF and try get with that fella who stepped in.

But in all seriousness: the family sound like a right piece of work. If you are looking for the long haul here, you really need to ask yourself: can you imagine having their grandkids and leaving your children to stay in that environment with granny? Would you like your current partner's opinions and values instilled in your kids? Because that is what it will boil down to.

ManOfMystery · 30-03-2018 09:06AM

It's a fact of life that you're always going to encounter people who have different views. Some will be aligned with yours for the most part, some will be more liberal or conservative, some will be extreme.

Regardless of those views, people are entitled to have them. Don't get me wrong - they're not entitled to abuse anyone, or entitled to spread hate speech and so on, but they are entitled to hold those views if they so desire.

If you accept that, then you have to accept that life will be extremely difficult if you have issues with anyone you encounter with differing views. This includes your BF's family. What's the options? Dump him and by effect, dump them? So you might meet someone else and end up in the same boat. Or you might meet someone whose family have views that completely mirror your own, but who you don't have as good a connection with.

If you're spending comparatively small amounts of time in the company of his family and they're merely expressing their views and not trying to brainwash you or change your own, then my advice is to bite your tongue and accept them for who they are. Their views only make up a small part of their being. I know my Dad has certain opinions on some things which my wife wouldn't agree with (and vice-versa I guess) but they only see each other once or twice a month and those things may not even come up in conversation, so both get on for the most part.

Specifically in regards to homosexuality, there's also still a stigma in society around it when it comes to certain older age groups, and maybe more so in Ireland where the Catholic Church were firmly against it for a long time and people had those views instilled in them from a young age. It doesn't make it right, but I'm just saying that sometimes these opinions are bred into people from when they were tiny and not just a sign of narrow-mindedness. Society is much more accepting of different types of sexuality nowadays but that change didn't happen overnight, and there are still plenty of the older brigade knocking around whose views haven't moved with the times.

30-03-2018 02:25PM

I'm going to say something you might not want to hear.

When it comes to couples staying together in the long term, it is because they share core values.

If you don't agree six months in on things that are very important to you, you may need to consider whether you are really compatible. The family is a secondary issue, but it is one that will cause you a lot of strife in the future.

If on the other hand you feel these issues are not core values, then put them to one side. Speak your piece with his family when you have the energy for the backlash and otherwise keep schtum!

I know that for me my feelings on the eighth amendment are a core issue, and if my husband disagreed I would find that very, very difficult.

Ursus Horribilis · 30-03-2018 03:13PM

Mystery Egg wrote: »

When it comes to couples staying together in the long term, it is because they share core values.

Agreed! I think your boyfriend's values have far more potential to scupper your relationship than his family. Most of us have people in our lives whose beliefs don't match ours but we work around it by simply not going there. I should imagine that most of the time when you're with his family, the subject matter doesn't involve the latest referendum. And remember, you liked them until you found this out about them. That suggests that on the whole, they are nice people who haven't been shoving their values down your neck.

It's going to be a hell of a lot harder to skirt around differences with your boyfriend. Especially if you're the sort of person who feels you have to call people out when you don't agree with them. You're only 6 months together so there's still a lot to play for here.

silverharp · 30-03-2018 03:22PM

depends on the values, attitudes to money & education are important or how you see yourselves as a couple raising your kids, how you vote in elections would be way down the list also people's views change over time

Pelvis · 30-03-2018 10:08PM

Op you're focused on the wrong thing. Forget his family, there is no such thing as a healthy constructive conversation when it comes to something like denying gay people rights because they're gay, unless it results in the bigoted side realising how stupid their views are.

Think long and hard about what you're getting yourself into.

splinter65 · 30-03-2018 10:21PM

When he visits with your family how does he interact with their left wing liberal stance?

FizzleSticks · 31-03-2018 08:26AM

This post has been deleted.

Dial Hard · 31-03-2018 10:36AM

silverharp wrote:

how you vote in elections would be way down the list also people's views change over time

Ah come on, there's a bit more to their differences than "how they vote in elections". If someone votes Fianna Fail or Fine Gael it doesn't really make a difference to my opinion of them. But someone with opposing views on such fundamental issues as abortion and gay rights is quite simply not a person I could be in a relationship with. Ever.

I agree with others that the OP's boyfriend's family aren't the real issue here.

LegacyUser · 31-03-2018 11:36AM

"When he visits with your family how does he interact with their left wing liberal stance?"

Truth be told, my parents are probably far less liberal than I. Although those kinds of conversations rarely come up with my family. I think I formed my views not from my upbringing, but from my peers and life experiences in college.

LegacyUser · 31-03-2018 11:48AM

I understand a lot of what is being said, redirecting my focus to him rather than the family. I guess his views definitely come from his home, and community background, they have certainly been conditioned into him. I'm not looking to tell him what to think or do anything in a controlling manner, but I do think since our conversations have started I have got him to even think about his views a bit more. I don't expect him, or anyone, to change their views to mine overnight, but at least now im challenging him to think about it he's certainly understanding of my point of view.

Truth be told, my mam and dad are probably far less liberal than I, but those kinds of conversations very rarely come up in my house. Perhaps that's because I would have been challenging any discriminatory rhetoric since being a teenager - maybe something that didn't happen in his house. I think I found my views not through my upbringing, but through my peers and life experiences in college. My way of dealing with my family's views is probably similar to how I'll deal with with his - reminding myself theyve been influenced by certain groups and that they grew up in another time

silverharp · 31-03-2018 03:05PM

Dial Hard wrote: »

Ah come on, there's a bit more to their differences than "how they vote in elections". If someone votes Fianna Fail or Fine Gael it doesn't really make a difference to my opinion of them. But someone with opposing views on such fundamental issues as abortion and gay rights is quite simply not a person I could be in a relationship with. Ever.

I agree with others that the OP's boyfriend's family aren't the real issue here.

the tolerance of liberals

, between by own family and my inlaws ive heard it all , once you believe your other half is a good person the rest is by the by

Ursus Horribilis · 31-03-2018 03:42PM

silverharp wrote: »

the tolerance of liberals , between my own family and my in-laws I've heard it all , once you believe your other half is a good person the rest is by the by

It depends on the person though. From reading what the OP has given us, I get the impression that she's not the type who'll let these things slide. It's fine at the moment because she and her boyfriend are merely debating social issues which don't directly affect them. But if something was to happen in the future (i.e. a fatal fetal abnormality) it could turn very "interesting".

Augme · 01-04-2018 02:06PM

While it's only 6 months and it's very early to be thinking about the very long term, but I think you should ask yourself what would happen if you got married had kids and one of them turned out to be gay? How would he react? How would his family?

woodchuck · 01-04-2018 02:31PM

Augme wrote: »

While it's only 6 months and it's very early to be thinking about the very long term, but I think you should ask yourself what would happen if you got married had kids and one of them turned out to be gay? How would he react? How would his family?

This is a very good point. It's all well and good having a healthy debate when it's theoretical, but I'd be worried about the potential real life implications down the line.

strandroad · 01-04-2018 08:14PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

It depends on the person though. From reading what the OP has given us, I get the impression that she's not the type who'll let these things slide. It's fine at the moment because she and her boyfriend are merely debating social issues which don't directly affect them. But if something was to happen in the future (i.e. a fatal fetal abnormality) it could turn very "interesting".

In fairness contraception can fail any day; debates around the 8th are not theoretical at all if you're a couple who can potentially reproduce. In fact they are more like thinly veiled "what would you do if something happened" explorations.

Clash with boyfriend's and family's views

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