Moody work colleaugue

LegacyUser · 15-03-2018 06:53PM #1

Hi Guys,

I am looking for someone else's perspective on this as I really don't feel I can take a situation at work for much longer.

A few years ago, I started at my current job, I work closely with 2 male colleagues both of which I got along with great. I invited both to my wedding.

In the last year however, I have fallen out with one of these colleagues numerous times. We fall out, have it out, make it up and then get on great again. When we are getting on, we get on really well and he has confided in me with a lot of personal issues. Every time we fall it, is not work related.

I feel even by writing these down, they sound even more pathetic than they are. Especially given that we are adults.

Last week, I felt everything was fine, I left my desk and went for a cup of tea and walked back with 2 other people. I noticed his attitude with me then was very frosty and he ignored me for an entire day. This week, he continued to ignore me until yesterday he called me aside and said he was done with me and didnt want to have anything to do with me anymore and in future could i not ring his extension, just email him. So I of course went after him to see what his problem was; he said that he felt that i and another girl were being ****ty to him. I asked him how and he said I just was. So after a few minutes of not really talking about anything specific i did or said, we kind of made up again.

The previous fall out was a case of cross wires; again he had a similar blow up; when we talked that one through, he said that i and one of the other girls (the same girl) look down my nose at him. again we made up and everything was fine.

Another incident i was chatting to a male colleague, he walked by and assumed i was talking about him and said something along the lines of - you wont make a laughing stock out of me.

These are just a few incidents. When he is being moody, he makes it very obvious that he is not speaking with me. he would make a point of talking to everyone around you except you. He slams and bangs things. I have seen him falling out with one other person and the computer which he went on to kick.

I dont know how to handle the situation. When we get on, he is a very nice person and everyone else in the office sees him as a nice guy who would do anything for anyone.

I'm just looking for someone else's perspective.

Rubberchikken · 15-03-2018 10:50PM

He seems too much effort for a work colleague.
If you want this hassle and juvenile behaviour to continue then keep falling out and making up.
If you want it to stop, then adopt a professional colleague relationship. Deal with him when you habe to and otherwise ignore his comments and sulking.

Goose76 · 15-03-2018 11:46PM

OP are you female? Although no excuse, it sounds like he may have feelings for you and this could be driving his (immature and irrational) behaviour.

Big Bag of Chips · 16-03-2018 12:16AM

Sounds like he's jealous of any other friendships you might have. This isn't a friendship you can continue. You don't do anything, yet you continue to 'make up' with him. And it's rinse and repeat. It's exhausting. Deal with him on a purely professional level. Don't apologise for not doing anything! Every time you apologise you reinforce to him that he is right and you are being unfair to him.

He's not your friend. This is not a friendship. Treat him like a work colleague. Ignore everything else. You might want to speak to someone senior to you, because if you stop pandering to him you might find that he makes a complaint against you for something or other.

nikkibikki · 16-03-2018 01:24AM

It sounds like he might be a little paranoid. Have you any concerns that he might have some mental health issues that need addressing?

16-03-2018 01:40AM

He has serious self esteem issues, thats obvious but I think he's threatened by your other friendships rather than jealous.

You describe him as a work colleague, but it would seem to me that your relationship is more than that, of at least friends, given he has confided in you, and none of your falling out relates to work.

So self esteem issues, some paranoia and its very possible he has feelings for you to throw into the mix would be my best guess for behaviour like that.

I think you need to decide if he's just a work colleague to you, if so then awkward as it might be, move things to a professional basis only.

If you do see him as a friend, you need to call him out on his behaviour and make it clear that its friends only (if you dont have feelings)...You seem to be pandering to him to make up when you do fall out. And as a friend, i would be suggesting he speak to someone professionally about his issues, he's obviously very unhappy and constantly thinks people are laughing at him, for his own sake it needs to be addressed.

shesty · 16-03-2018 01:27PM

I have had a few different forms of "difficult" colleague in my life and I always get this feeling of "shutters" coming down in myself when I deal with them.I am polite, a bit friendly if needed and that's it.I don't seek them out unless absolutely necessary and I generally hold them at arm's length.Sometime I admit, I can't help it and would prefer to not react that way to a person, but other times, it is literally to protect myself from them.Because they are someone I have to tolerate in my job but they are definitely not someone I want in my life in any way.
I would suggest you view him in that way.Actually the fact that he has asked you to email nearly makes it easier.The thing that annoys me most about these types of people is that they often end up occupying far more of your brain space than they should.But the guy celarly has issues, that are not just to do with you (he's probably like this in all parts of life) so it's best to just place him over there somewhere and leave him there.Engage only when necessary and leave it at that.The problem is not yours, it's his, there is nothing you can do to fix it so don't waste your time trying to.He sounds childish and immature to be honest, so you just concentrate on your job and leave it at that.

punisher5112 · 16-03-2018 01:30PM

Sounds jealous and he may well be in love with you op.

miamee · 16-03-2018 01:40PM

Unfortunately, I have had a similar experience with a female work colleague in a previous job (I am also female).

Although she was a fun and lovely person most of the time, she used to regularly fall out with people in the main office where her desk was. I was in a side office away from the drama and was a bit of a listening ear for her. We got along well, were of a similar age and she never had reason to fall out with me. Until she did. I can't even remember the details except that she cornered me in the ladies one day crying about how I was friends with other people and not her and they didn't like her, etc. etc. In other words, I was to be her friend but no one else's. I think I assured her that no one was talking about her and that she was imagining things but I was pretty cool with her after that. It was a small work place so no option but to be polite and courteous and work-friendly but we were never really friends after that. It was absolutely for the best and probably the approach you should take here OP.

LegacyUser · 16-03-2018 01:49PM

Thank you all for your replies.

I am female. As far as I am concerned, there are no romantic feelings either way.

I did view him as a friend.

Over the last week, I had tried to distance myself from him and only spoke to him regarding work, but he regarded this as "being ****ty" to him. I was also very conscious to not even be seen having any kind of friendly conversation with any one else, so i just came in did my work and left again. it is a small working environment so its not always possible to not have any kind of small talk with anyone. I dont want to isolate myself from everyone else either just to keep him happy.

I did worry about his mental health as after our blow up; he went home sick! I was imagining the worst. He is definitely paranoid; but i dont know why. I dont talk about him to anyone else and i have never repeated anything he had told to anyone else.

I am a quiet person and i hate confrontation, i feel if i say anything else to him at this point. It will start the cycle again.

Thanks all again.

zoobizoo · 16-03-2018 06:01PM

Canttakeit wrote: »

The previous fall out was a case of cross wires...... look down my nose at him. again we made up .........

he walked by and assumed i was talking about him .......

I have seen him falling out with one other person a.......

I used to go out with a girl who was like this... there was always someone who had looked at her funny or said something that meant something else.

It's a them issue and one that you cannot solve so best not tyring to

LegacyUser · 17-03-2018 04:37AM

Canttakeit wrote: »

<Snip> Do not quote the entire OP

I'm going to offer maybe a slightly different perspective to you than the other replies.

Let's call you person A, him person B and whoever else you interact with (who he appears to feel threatened by) as person C.

First off, has he helped you much in the past? Is it possible he feels you are ungrateful?

Is it possible person C does not like, has gossiped about or has tried to manipulate person B? Be honest with yourself here - no need to reply or act differently. Just ask yourself.

Unfortunately work is a place where you have to put up and shut up most of the time - since he and you and I and most everyone else knows they need to see their colleagues all the time then issues will go unmentioned - even if the issue is really about someone else. And some people will try to use subtle ways to get at people - so I wouldn't automatically assume jealousy or that he has feelings for you or anything else.

Anyway to summarise, none of us have any idea what's going on in his head, what the people you interact with may or may not have done to him or if they have tried to get at him. Remember, there are people in the world that prey on the good natured/"would do anything for anyone" type of person and as always in life, things may not be as they seem. It's very possible he feels underappreciated and if there's something in the background going on with the other people, that combination could drive him nuts.

You don't have to have much dealings with him, but try to be nice anyway (You may even see some improvement given time) and it might be best to give him the benefit of the doubt. You're not going to be able to change him, most likely. He feels however he feels and will act however he does. The best you can hope for is a little honesty but this is just too painful/risky for work situations in most cases.

Sephiroth_dude · 17-03-2018 11:02PM

Sounds like a drama queen, let him off and just email him from now on if possible.

Salthillprom · 18-03-2018 12:02AM

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Sounds like a drama queen, let him off and just email him from now on if possible.

Absolutely agree. You can’t control how this guy behaves. You can only control your own actions. Take control of the situation. He sounds like an unhinged bully. Step away from him. If he reacts badly, there’s nothing you can do about it. Just stay being your normal self but disengage from him. He sounds pretty toxic.

The_Honeybadger · 18-03-2018 02:46AM

Sounds like he is infatuated with you and he is a bit of a drama queen on top of it.

I know you said that you didn’t think romantic feeling were a factor in his behaviour but I can’t think of anything else that would make him behave in this way. He is acting like a spoilt child.

Do other colleagues have similar issues with him?

Teyla Emmagan · 19-03-2018 11:13AM

Sephiroth_dude wrote:

Sounds like a drama queen, let him off and just email him from now on if possible.

Absolutely. This guy is not worth the effort. He is juvenile and manipulative. And now you are changing your interactions with other people to suit him. You are feeding his actions by entertaining him. Just cut off the oxygen, no more making up or pandering to him.

ASISEEIT · 26-03-2018 09:13PM

Canttakeit wrote: »

Hi Guys,

I am looking for someone else's perspective on this as I really don't feel I can take a situation at work for much longer.

A few years ago, I started at my current job, I work closely with 2 male colleagues both of which I got along with great. I invited both to my wedding.

In the last year however, I have fallen out with one of these colleagues numerous times. We fall out, have it out, make it up and then get on great again. When we are getting on, we get on really well and he has confided in me with a lot of personal issues. Every time we fall it, is not work related.

I feel even by writing these down, they sound even more pathetic than they are. Especially given that we are adults.

Last week, I felt everything was fine, I left my desk and went for a cup of tea and walked back with 2 other people. I noticed his attitude with me then was very frosty and he ignored me for an entire day. This week, he continued to ignore me until yesterday he called me aside and said he was done with me and didnt want to have anything to do with me anymore and in future could i not ring his extension, just email him. So I of course went after him to see what his problem was; he said that he felt that i and another girl were being ****ty to him. I asked him how and he said I just was. So after a few minutes of not really talking about anything specific i did or said, we kind of made up again.

The previous fall out was a case of cross wires; again he had a similar blow up; when we talked that one through, he said that i and one of the other girls (the same girl) look down my nose at him. again we made up and everything was fine.

Another incident i was chatting to a male colleague, he walked by and assumed i was talking about him and said something along the lines of - you wont make a laughing stock out of me.

These are just a few incidents. When he is being moody, he makes it very obvious that he is not speaking with me. he would make a point of talking to everyone around you except you. He slams and bangs things. I have seen him falling out with one other person and the computer which he went on to kick.

I dont know how to handle the situation. When we get on, he is a very nice person and everyone else in the office sees him as a nice guy who would do anything for anyone.

I'm just looking for someone else's perspective.

Passive aggressive. Offer to meet and thrash it out. If he doesnt take up offer walk away. Walk quickly. It just goes on and on

elvis83 · 27-03-2018 03:34AM

Ask him to grab a coffee, and then calmly and clearly explain to him that when he accuses you of acting "sh*tty" to him, that you most definitely are not doing anything intentionally, you are just behaving normally. Point out to him that this accusation and the subsequent frosty behaviour towards you is effecting your mental health. Ask him straight out if he has a deeper problem with you or your behaviour. If he says yes, then tell him you need to restrict your relationship to purely professional, as you are not acting hatefully towards him and you are not going to change just to suit him. If he says no, then ask him to please stop guilt tripping you as it makes you uncomfortable, and again if it continues, the relationship will have to become purely professional.

That's what I'd suggest, but of course I realise it might not be so easy to have that conversation

elusiveguy · 27-03-2018 02:22PM

He sounds loopy, I'd be avoiding as much as possible and taking notes for when it eventually blows up

Whispered · 27-03-2018 04:17PM

That sounds exhausting op. I'd be going down the route of maintaining a professional relationship and nothing more

kylith · 27-03-2018 05:12PM

If you really feel that you must have it out with him, I'd recommend just saying that you will talk to whoever you like and if he doesn't like that he can lump it.

....... · 27-03-2018 05:23PM

This post has been deleted.

Moody work colleaugue

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