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Some advice

  • 19-02-2018 01:19AM
    #1
    Claudia.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1 ✭


    Hi

    I was looking for some advice. I had a brief relationship if you could call it that with someone. It was extremely toxic and nothing like what I have ever dealt with before. This person is still in my company at times when we meet up with mutual friends at social events but we are not on friendly terms. They have rekindled a relationship with an ex. This person does obvious things where it is clear to me they are using me to make the other woman jealous. For example they may make passive aggressive statements. I have tried not to react but I have a few times when my emotions were running high.

    This is hurtful for me given that the "relationship" was already a very painful experience which mainly involved being stonewalled and humiliated. Its something I have tried to put behind me. It's very insidious but obvious. I can't bring it up with either person because they will just deny it and if I am honest it appears they are getting a kick out of it. I really don't want anything to do with either one of them and I don't want to be dragged into that dynamic.

    I know the answer is to just not go to these events but it annoys that I am going to have to give up something I love.


Comments

  • #2
    cailin.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 112 ✭✭cailin.


    Maybe take a break from involving yourself in the same social circle where you know this person will be present at an event.
    As you said, it was a toxic relationship and despite it being over, it sounds like the elements of behaviour which made it are toxic are still going on between you.

    Take a break and work on yourself to fully move on, and block the person on social media to minimise the prospect of contact with them.


  • #3
    Katgurl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,145 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    I suppose the most straight forward approach would be to avoid them but you've said you don't want to have to deny yourself so that's fair enough.

    In that case could you try to change your perspective? (I'm not sure if I have the genders correct here btw). Look at it this way; this girl is back with her ex and the girl (you) he had a fling with is still around. She is obvs not ok with this. He is obvs not happy with their set-up if he is getting digs in with you. So all in all they're a pair of sad individuals and you should feel sorry for them. The next time they take a swipe just laugh to yourself (or not).


  • #4
    WIZWEB
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 528 ✭✭✭WIZWEB


    OP you've described several key identifiers of a highly narcissistic personality. I suggest Googling Narcissistic Personality Disorder to confirm if what I'm saying below resonates with you. Toxicity is a definite from them.

    The fact he jumped straight back to an ex is very common to guarantee Narcissistic Supply. Triangulation is a term used where they often use a current and former partner to play off each other through jealousy and insecurities while they are receiving all the attention (Narcissistic Supply). A narcissist actually does this so you WILL react! He's most likely doing the same on her. Remember he's had her well trained from previous mindgames which I'd speculate you've been through a few. This 'attention' can be either positive or negative. It's all good to them and the dysfunctional worldview they inhabit as long as they get supply.

    Some key red flags may include many from this list: being disrespectful, entitled, egocentric, demanding, arrogant, selfish, grandiose, infidelity, manipulation, gaslighting, humiliating, taking for granted, passive-aggressiveness, lack of compromise, minimising your needs, projection, addiction, causing crazy making behaviours, lies and two of the biggest a lack of real empathy and creating constant drama.

    I'd suggest not comparing yourself to this girl. She's also being used by him and is a victim too if he's high on the narcissist spectrum. Those that are always operate under a programme of idealisation, devaluing and eventual discard of their various victims unless we manage to escape them first. Idealisation or lovebombing most likely was at its peak during the beginning of the relationship. It is often drip fed again eventually after discard so it's likely to come your way again if the new/former supply isn't feeding his ego enough. Remember he knows you both pretty well so it would be easier to 'play' either/both instead of lovebomb a brand new supply.

    Best solution if he is as a Narc is full and complete No Contact. Same goes for any toxic adult. That means blocking all sources of communication. Ignoring totally if he finds a way through. Ignoring Flying Monkeys (others he manipulates to draw you back in). Avoiding places he/they hang out for a while etc. Just act indifferent and make excuses to quickly escape if you run into him in public.

    The only way to win with these toxic emotional abusers is not to engage at all in their games. Their addiction to drama will eventually then lead them to other easier available supplies (victims).


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