Dealing with constant attacks from narcissist in laws

LegacyUser · 17-01-2018 12:44PM #1

Hi everyone

Going un reg for this as frankly I'm scared. I married my husband over a decade ago and since almost the first day I came on the scene, his parents hated me with a passion. I never really understood why but can only assume they feel I wasn't good enough. We came from different backgrounds - Me - from salt of the earth farmers. Them - Like to appear wealthy and of high standing, although in reality they are not. We endured years of attacks from them, who later recruited their daughter as a flying monkey to launch further attacks and accusations on us.
I now understand they are the text book narcissistic family with father in law the narcissist, mother in law the enabler and sister in law the golden child. While my husband is and always has been the scapegoat.
Over the years, I've accused of abusing my husband, threatening to abort my children, been called a thug and have also been threatened with legal action 4 different times.
In the end we decided to cut contact for the health of our marraige and family. This has worked fine until recently. The father in law has decided to renew his focus on us. He has openly admitted to us and others that he will not rest until he destroys our marriage but because that was unsuccessful he will now come after us individually. We were warned by a family member abroad who had spoken to him and was shocked at the level of rage he had for us which is completely unsubstantiated. He called to warn us he is really coming for us this time. His fear for us is so high that he advised me to stop walking by myself in local woodland which is something I do regularly. We are stepping up security at home with cameras and we have both spoken to our bosses that threats have been made but since no direct threat has been made by him is there really anything we can do? I would love to hear advice from anyone who has been through this. After over a decade of this treatment it is getting very wearing and the level of attacks and ferocity at which he comes for us is only getting worse each time. It may sound dramatic but I don't trust this man's mental stability. He is capable of anything. The wider family is completely on our side and have been at the receiving end of his outbursts before so they know what he is like. But it feels like we are all powerless against him. He will direct his attention on someone knew every few months until he either destroys them or gets bored but each time he comes us, it is with renewed rage. I now fear for myself and my children.

Neyite · 17-01-2018 11:47PM

I'd say you'll find it hard to find someone who's gone through something as extreme as this - he does not sound sane at all!

I think you are at the stage where you need specialist advice - legal /police advice. I'd suggest that you get a notebook and jot down everything you can remember. It could be helpful to give the Gardai a full picture. If you've any written stuff like letters, texts or emails keep them too.

It sounds horrendous and I hope the Gardai are able to give you some help and advice on this.

Rubberchikken · 18-01-2018 12:46AM

I agree^^.
Time to detail
everything and maybe chat with a solicitor/gardai.

Is the man mentally unwell? It sounds like such extreme behaviour . 1

Redser87 · 18-01-2018 09:03AM

Just about your children, it might be worth phoning their school principal and specifying that they are only to be collected by you or your husband.
This sounds dreadful. I hope you get support from a good lawyer.

18-01-2018 09:17AM

I would be contacting the guards with a view to getting a restraining order in place as well - solicitor as well for advice - the time is past for being passive and 'waiting' - take control of the situation and let him know you and your family won't be f**ked with.
Same re contacting the school as suggested above.

Take the power back and give him enough rope to hang himself.

LegacyUser · 18-01-2018 10:29AM

Thanks everyone. Good suggestion about the school. I hadn't thought of it to be honest. We have sought legal and Garda advice on this but unfortunately we are between a rock and a hard place as he has never made any direct threats. Just subtle threats to others who were concerned enough to warn us. This is also a man who I suspect had a private investigator on me in the early days of our relationship. I have never been able to confirm that though. I know how mental all of this sounds! This is the problem, we end up sounding crazy.

silverharp · 18-01-2018 10:31AM

he knows he can get at you just by contacting you on the phone, most likely he is a total coward. I would certainly block all his numbers/social media and don't answer unknown numbers, if he is silly enough to leave voice messages or txt you, you have him.
It probably is a good idea to go to the guards but more to look for advice as opposed to reporting him, these feckers can be devious and they can easily fool authorities that you are the crazy one but by doing this at least they will have your details on file for any future incidents.

valoren · 18-01-2018 10:34AM

Going to the Guards will vindicate your father in law. Going to a solicitor will vindicate your father in law. He will be vindicated in so far as he will have his 'proof' that you are a troublemaker (in his mind) and cutting him out will be the seen as verification for him that you have wrecked the family. Needless to say that is all BS as far as you and your family is concerned. Let him at it. More fool his suffering wife and flying monkey daughter for backing him up. You deal with toxic people by not dealing with them as you've done. You no longer provide narcissistic supply to the father in law and it has literally driven him crazy.

The thing is none of that matters. His opinion of you and your marriage is inconsequential. Let him slander, smear and hurl his abuse to his enablers. You are looking after number one. By getting a strict full on restraining order, you are protecting yourself and your family. He will lambast the whole lot of you behind the scenes but narcissists like that are very knowing. He will get that letter, he will get that visit from the guards and this guy will be completely aware of the consequences of being in your vicinity. He will be all cocky bluster but privately he will know he faces serious repercussions( i.e. Prison) if he approaches you. He will never risk his reputation thereafter.

The 'keyboard warrior' advice would be that your husband give his father a hiding to stop his harassment but that will only land him in very serious trouble. While it might be tempting to do so, as in it might seem like the only way of making a point so to speak, that is never the answer.

As mentioned, gather any evidence you have to back you up. You mentioned that he called? If he or any of the enablers ring, then do not answer. Instead ring back but have another phone set to record the conversation via loudspeaker. They won't know they are being recorded.

And remember, they hate you not because you are weak. Strangely enough, it is strong people who get bullied and abused like that. You have something, which he doesn't have, whether it be smarts, looks, work ethic, attitude or simply being a genuinely lovely person that triggers all of this. Not that you knew that was happening, you were just being you and by doing just that you made yourself a target. I'd imagine you getting with their son, the emotional punching bag, took that away from him and he's had revenge on his mind ever since.

Neyite · 18-01-2018 10:39AM

I understand what you mean when you say he's done nothing yet that Gardai can act on - and he might never. He's getting enough of a buzz off making you fearful enough to install security features and curtail your walks. That's some awful day to day stress to live with and I think over time it's going to affect your health.

It sounds like you are local to them. It might be extreme to suggest it, but have you thought about the possibility of moving away? It's your partners family - what does he think of it?

LegacyUser · 18-01-2018 10:53AM

Thanks Valoren. You really seem to understand this. We have blocked him and lately the enabler but they still manage to find someone to throw missiles. We live a couple of hours away so we always felt we were far enough away but obviously not. The problem now is well meaning family members who feel that the best way to diffuse it is to go in to mediation. While we have explained that we are dealing with a narcissist here who will never admit any wrong doing or has no interest in resolving anything, only to be proven right, they don't seem to get it. I understand what you mean about hating me because I am strong. From what I can see I am the only woman to ever stand up to to him as all the women in his life are submissive and so I am portrayed as the trouble maker. My husband to be fair to him has always stood firmly beside me and has been as vocal as I have and has also paid the price.

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Ghekko · 18-01-2018 11:42AM

Tbh I'd block the entire family, including those who think they are doing ye favours by passing on information to ye regarding his threats. Why would anyone suggest mediation? Sure ye want nothing to do with them. I'd see about a restraining order and carry on with your lives. Stay off Facebook, Snapchat and the likes, so that there is no chance of anyone telling them what ye are up to.

LegacyUser · 18-01-2018 12:01PM

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Nothing ever physical, just mental and verbal. The closest it ever came to physical was at a family event 2 years ago where he approached my husband and was goading him. I believe he wanted to be hit so he could take some action but my husband was smart enough to see through it. But he is that unstable that we would never rule out anything physical happening but I predict it would be carried out by a stranger. He's too clever to get himself caught.

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Augme · 18-01-2018 09:26PM

This all sounds very strange.

My first impression is that your reaction to all of this seems quite dramatic and over the top. You say "he is capable of anything." To the point that you are now afraid to walk in the local woodland. This is despite the fact that in the decade plus you have known him, he has done nothing but mouth off? I can't see why you think the threat level is so serious myself.

As for the "well meaning family members" - ignore them.

From what you have said, it seems you would be completely oblivious to your Father-in-laws alleged threats if you didn't have these "well-meaning family members" passing on these pieces of "information".

He will direct his attention on someone knew every few months until he either destroys them or gets bored but each time he comes us

Sounds to me like the solution is simple. Just ignore him and keep living your life normally. If he's the sort of man who hates you because you are strong then he will enjoy controlling you. He's creaming his pants at the thought of yous getting in extra security camera, avoiding walking in the woods, talking to your work etc etc. He's making you change your life because of him, you are giving him what he wants.

My advice is to just ignore him as if he doesn't exist.

Airyfairy12 · 19-01-2018 01:53AM

The gaurds wont do anything unless you've been threatened and even then he'll only get a visit or phone call from a guard. Block the immediate families numbers/facebooks ect. Cut all contact and make notes of any harassment.

And also if these family members were so concerned about your safety why didn't they report him?

WIZWEB · 19-01-2018 11:53PM

Right first the good news OP. The vast majority of those high on the Narcissistic spectrum are not violent. Stating this is not to invalidate your circumstances but to alleviate some of your fears. Gather all evidence and bring it to the Gardai immediately. Shame is something most of these toxic folk fear so a visit from the Gardai may be enough to dampen their fury. However it may in some cases ignite it further but you need to report them and their threats anyway. Try to engage a solicitor who has experience and knowledge of Narcisstic Personality Disorder. It's common but many professionals including therapists have little clue of it.

Total NON CONTACT needs to be fully initiated from all your immediate family. This means blocking all ways of contact and refusing to engage with any of their manipulations no matter how painful. No peeking on Facebook etc or enquiring from others or responding to others about how they are etc. Think of them as deceased. All flying monkies (puppets) being used by the parents must also be ignored and blocked from your lives too.

Your partner is particularly vulnerable to future hoovering as he has been conditioned since early childhood through these toxic parental attachments. In essence they know how to pull his strings better than anyone. He should consider therapy if not done so to deal with possible trauma bonding and CPTSD as the malignant narcissists long-term damage is insidious in nature.

Narcissists thrive on any attention. It doesn't matter to them whether it is positive or negative. These emotional vampires must be totally cut from your lives. If you're unfortunate enough to accidentally run into them avoid any emotions or reactions whatsoever. Act incredibly boring and busy. Curtail all emotional fuel. Then leave their proximity promptly. If followed then guide them straight to a Garda station and add to your report.

Dealing with constant attacks from narcissist in laws

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