Am I reasonable in raising this issue with my GF? I want to change how we meet up

LegacyUser · 22-11-2017 04:35PM #1

Hi,

Im a guy in my early 30s who before now was never really in a "proper" relationship that was more than a fling or just a few months. So Im kinda embarrased asking this because I know well there are no rules to dating as such and Im also aware that this is mostly about my crap communication problems.

Me and my girlfriend met 8 months ago online and I would say other than the following its going very well, we really like each other and enjoy each others company alot.

But I have always and will always also love my own company and just kinda doing my own thing. We have sort of developed a habit of meeting at the weekends which is great. But it feels like she would be satisfied if I was staying the entire weekend at hers. I seem to come up against a mild resistance any time I mention that I will head home the next day or whatever. Its not like she flips out or anything but she has a puzzled/mildly annoyed look and asks why.

What I would love:

If we met sometimes during the week, sometimes stayed over, sometimes not and if I went home to my own bed that night.

If we met at weekends, maybe sometimes just for the day, or overnight perhaps on Saturday, go home Sunday, or maybe go to her Friday night and go home Saturday. Or maybe from time to time head off somewhere together for the whole weekend.

Currently it feels like we are in a long term relationship and it is assumed I am staying with her for as long as I possibly can. We do mid week overnights sometimes too, not too often to be fair.

Shes about a 45/50 minute drive away. I have zero issue making that trip by the way. It feels very short after a few times doing it.

Last week she wanted me to come Friday with a view to doing something Saturday morning, just a kind of lunch and small place we'd planned to visit. Now we had already planned that she was coming out and meeting me and my friends Saturday night and shes stays in mine and it was assumed I guess that we would be hanging out all Sunday and staying over that night. So really she would have been happy if I was staying from Friday to Monday morning.

So I told her I wont be there Friday night and will go home after we visit that place Sat morning.

So come Saturday by lunch she was sort of making plans for the afternoon involving me and I said to her Im going home, and again she gave that slightly confused "why???". I just told her that was my plan. I noticed slightly casually later she was asking what I was up to when going home. Really, nothing of significance is the truth, I want to drop into town, maybe get a haircut, do a few things on my laptop, do nothing really, just chill at home for a while.

Anywya outside of this, we also have some chats on the phone during the week. Maybe once or twice.

She is not needy to be fair but honestly I am starting to feel a little smothered. But I KNOW I wouldnt if this wasnt an issue. Its quite a specifc problem I feel.

So my questions are:

1. Firstly, do you think the kind of time I am expecting to hang out with her is reasonable?
2. If you do, how do I say it without making her think I dont enjoy her company. She may very well interpret it that way.

Thanks for reading my about my not so significant problem

Mr. Incognito · 22-11-2017 05:21PM

It's only 8 months.

You are used to being on your own and independent. Different people live life differently but I'd defo mention it and say that its not a personal thing you just like your own company/ space from time to time

Dixie Chick · 22-11-2017 05:27PM

Hi OP, i know if I were her I would be more than mildly upset or put out if you came to visit me on a Friday evening and then left by what sounds like Saturday late morning and that was my date for the week. i would honestly feel like you only wanted to spend 12 hours of your weekend with me.

I understand wanting to have your own space, space is super. But where do you see it going eventually. Will it always be like that ? Is that was she has to look forward to if ye stay together.

I suppose if the way ye meet suited ye both, then it is fine but I know I would probably get a bit peed off. But if you explain yourself, like you have here now, she might be open to it.

Greybottle · 22-11-2017 05:31PM

If I was her, I would probably be thinking that you're not that big into me.

Best to sit down and talk about it with her before she starts to misunderstand you.

kylith · 22-11-2017 06:03PM

Greybottle wrote: »

If I was her, I would probably be thinking that you're not that big into me.

Best to sit down and talk about it with her before she starts to misunderstand you.

Yep, If I only saw my bf at weekends and he told me he wasn't going to come Friday and would be leaving at lunchtime Saturday, and therefore only spending a couple of hours on Saturday morning together, I'd be thinking he wasn't that interested.

Are you interested, OP?

LegacyUser · 22-11-2017 06:17PM

Dixie Chick wrote: »

Hi OP, i know if I were her I would be more than mildly upset or put out if you came to visit me on a Friday evening and then left by what sounds like Saturday late morning and that was my date for the week. i would honestly feel like you only wanted to spend 12 hours of your weekend with me.

I understand wanting to have your own space, space is super. But where do you see it going eventually. Will it always be like that ? Is that was she has to look forward to if ye stay together.

I suppose if the way ye meet suited ye both, then it is fine but I know I would probably get a bit peed off. But if you explain yourself, like you have here now, she might be open to it.

Hey, OP here,

Thanks for the advice, and I will definitely thread carefully.

But just to clarify, I arrived Sat morning but like I said we were meeting that night again for the whole night and whole next day (and night again actually). So Id totally understand if a brief encounter on a Saturday morning was the only meetup for the week but it wasnt. It was more like an extra " hey do you want to come to do this thing Sat morning too?", and I said sure why not, without realising she was expecting me to hang out for the whole day until that night.

Ironically enough, I think if I was living with her this wouldnt be an issue, because my sort of default thing would be just kind of hanging out etc like I am anyway at home. (I might even mention that to her, dont worry I know her she'll know what I mean and will know im not hinting at that)

Its not exactly about not wanting to be with her, its just about wanting to sort of also be going about my own life still.

LegacyUser · 22-11-2017 06:23PM

kylith wrote: »

Yep, If I only saw my bf at weekends and he told me he wasn't going to come Friday and would be leaving at lunchtime Saturday, and therefore only spending a couple of hours on Saturday morning together, I'd be thinking he wasn't that interested.

Are you interested, OP?

Oh I am, (also I clarified the Saturday thing in another response just there but it probably hasnt appeared yet).

I honestly think Ive always been like this. Like I say, the weird ironic thing is, if we lived together this would be less of an issue! Im not suggesting that at all by the way but just saying it to clarify that its not about HER exactly.

Also, its worth noting, we've been on a trip or two together , for a few days etc and I loved them. Fantastic time together, in fact they seemed to get better and better as the trips went on.

The issue seems to be more about just wanting to be carrying on living my own life as opposed to assuming that the entire weekend, or even all of Saturday night and Sunday and Sunday night through to Monday morning will be with her.

It just seems a little heavy or something.

Tigger99 · 22-11-2017 06:31PM

I don't think he's just suggesting 12 hours a week tho? He refers to week day dates too.

bertsmom · 22-11-2017 06:38PM

Op I can really see how this could feel a little claustrophobic after a while. I'm a 35 year old woman and I was in a relationship for over ten years with a really good guy and we lived together and that was all good we generally loved being together.
But to be honest I don't think either of us ever felt the need to spend all our free time together as we had very varied interests he golfed a lot, I hike with my dog alone a lot and enjoy spending time with my own friends but we did both enjoy going out for dinner and drinks or going away for weekends together.
However that relationship ended (still great friends) and I'm now seeing a guy who I am mad about but I adore living alone and having free time where I can just veg out or bake or read without having to consider anybody else is REALLY important to me. I decided very early on in the relationship that we had to have a proper talk and I explained my case and that living with or buying a property with a partner was not what I want in my future. This was hard but we discussed all our options and what we BOTH wanted and how we felt and maby I just got lucky twice with meeting really self assured guys who didn't need constant reassurance by my presence but so far it's all good. We spend time together at the weekend for a night and Maby an afternoon but we are also happy to say goodbye and do our own thing for the rest of the weekend either way though I guess what I am trying to say is I understand where you are coming from and just make sure you tell your girlfriend how you feel otherwise she might feel your just not wanting to be with her. It's also really important you are happy and in a relationship that fits what you Want too.

Dr Crayfish · 22-11-2017 07:08PM

I feel for you OP because I would be the same now in that I couldn't imagine giving up lots of time for someone, as I enjoy my own life so much,much like bertsmom above. I have been seeing someone a little while now but we probably only meet up once a week and do things now and then together, but we're both happy with this.
You might actually be looking for different things, or moving at different paces. How into the whole thing are you? I don't know how you can explain in a nice way that you don't need to spend so much time with her, but to answer one of your questions, I guess you should both want to spend the same amount of time together without having to put yourself out.

LegacyUser · 22-11-2017 08:08PM

I'm 31 year old woman and I'm very like you OP. I'm very set in my ways and prefer my own space. The thoughts of living with a partner fills me with dread. So you aren't alone! However!! I do think it's really important for you to disclose this to the girl. It may look like you're not bothered, so if you explain it to her you can gauge her reaction. If she reacts badly well I think I'd be reconsidering the relationship. Youre going to be seeing her the Saturday night too No?? Theres always a danger with couples who hang out of each other's pockets, that it will all go tits up. So best to say this to her now rather and get it out in the open!

December2012 · 22-11-2017 08:33PM

I think it’s very understandable and normal to want some weekend time to yourself.

Just tell her.

Am I reasonable in raising this issue with my GF? I want to change how we meet up

Comments