Lonely, single and demotivated

Guest29 · 15-11-2017 09:03PM #1

Hi all, not easy to write this, but I’m looking for some advice or suggestions.

I’m male in my late thirties. I have a decent job, that pays well, although I find it quiet tedious and repetitive. So from the outside, I guess I have a lot going for me. Far from the truth on the inside.

I think I am a kind, good hearted person. I’m a bit shy...but the sad reality is I have few friends. I guess I’m more an introverted type but not to the extent that I want to exclude everybody from my life, or from getting to know me.

I really struggle with what to do with my free time, so evenings and weekends, which sound absolutely ridiculous but there you go. That’s a reflection of not having a wide group of friends to do stuff with. It’s sad to say but I have few friends, and I find myself quite down, especially at the weekends, when you should be spending time with friends. I only really have family members to do stuff with, sisters and brothers..and one or two friends outside of that. And at my age, most people are married with kids, and don’t have a lot of free time. There are not many people I can call to meet up and do friends stuff, outside of family. It hasn’t always been like that, but for one reason or another, I am not good at making friends, or keeping in touch with existing ones.

I know the answers to what I need to do, find a new hobby, join a meetup group, join clubs and societies, volunteer, etc etc but I can’t seem to get anything done about it. I also suffer from confidence issues, so for example the thought of going to join a meetup group for the first time, or joining a club sounds daunting to me. This has affected me a lot in my life..I’m quite sporty, so I should be joining clubs etc..but again I tend to do a lot of activities alone or with family due to confidence issues I suppose. Strangely in a work capacity, my confidence issues do not affect me as much.

Relationship wise I’ve had a couple long relationships and am single over a year...my last relationship ended badly and I guess I’m struggling to move on, but I have to. Also, I don’t have a lot of confidence around women, chatting them up for example...I always get tongue tied...I’ve tried online dating and tinder in the past few months but it’s not for me..and anyway not having a wide group of friends is not going to make you popular with the opposite sex. Going out on a Friday or Saturday night until 5am to pubs or clubs doesn’t appeal anymore, and I find that when I do have a night out, my mood is not good the following day or two, if alcohol is involved.

I should add that Ive had counselling and found it useful to a point. There were some great suggestions but achieving the goals that were suggested in the counselling is difficult for me.

I feel some days like I’m just existing on this planet, drifting..like I should be getting a lot more out of life..

It’s pathetic really that I’m having to even write this, but’s that’s me. And I’m not feeling sorry for myself, nor looking for sympathy. I just would appreciate anyone else’s views, especially from people who may be going through similar issues. Also, sorry if my paragraphs don’t read so well, or knit together well..I’m just writing down what I feel as those thoughts came into my head

Thanks

Aspadeaspade · 16-11-2017 05:02PM

OP you seem very aware of what you need to do so maybe it's time to stop hiding behind excuses and get out there. You need to take matters into your own hands and make things happen

You're actually in a very fortunate position to be single and childless (no responsibilities) and this should be seen as an advantage not a disadvantage. Do you know how many people who would love to have your life? Not bogged down with a mortgage or unhappily married with children? You're still young OP. You could literally do anything you wanted to do right now. You could travel, see a bit of the world, get some culture and something to talk about under your belt..

I'm female and the same age as you, also unmarried and childless but because this is what I want! I make the most of it, I enjoy my life, I travel and get out and about with friends.. if you don't have people to do that with then you should give a social group a go but with the intention of enjoying yourself and doing something different.. not to meet someone.. that will come later when you're happy with your life and who you are.

There really is no problem OP.. there is so much out there to be seen and discovered.. life is short!

Mr. Incognito · 16-11-2017 06:23PM

Sit down and write 5 goals for this month and for 6 months and a year.

Then set about doing them.

Don't drift. Set short term goals and accomplish them.

Rekop dog · 16-11-2017 08:18PM

That's a very negative piece of writing. You seem to put up lots of barriers as excuses for not doing things, your shyness, women not liking men who don't have big circle of friends, everyone your age married with kids, online dating not being for you, it's all pretty draining to read. When the reality is there's endless things you can be doing with your free time, be it recreational or educational, it will all add to you being a more interesting person and improve your well being at the same time.

The hardest part is breaking lazy routines and forcing yourself out of your comfort zone but you really need to persevere even if you're uncomfortable at first and every fibre of self destructive side in you is saying to go back to your easy life. Eventually you won't recognize yourself and curse the time you wasted in life but at least that's better than continually spending endless nights in front of your TV wishing you'd a better life.

Rubberchikken · 17-11-2017 12:55AM

Youve had relationships, even long ones so you can again.
How did you meet those women?
Have your friends girlfriends with friends that could be introduced to you?
Amateur sports groups are only to happy to have someone new join. They won't be judging your ability.
Look at what other interests you have. See if there's anything in your locality that would interest you.

I appreciate that your shy in these settings but you hold down a job are confident in that environment and can do things with the friends you have and your family so you're well capable of doing things with others.
Don't let shyness stop you from achieving what you want.
A more on the job. If it's not something that challenges you or even something that you really enjoy then maybe time to look for a different one. It could be the new start you're looking for.

zoobizoo · 17-11-2017 08:48AM

OP -
I know where you are coming from and I was like you about 10 years ago. I'm now married. Firstly, buy a copy of The Feeling Good Handbook - order it online if not available locally.

1. A hobby will not only give you something to do, it is a great way of meeting people.

You're shy, yes. But it's daunting for lots of people turning up to something like a MEet Up. My most confident friends would never do anything like that.
A shared interest is a great way to get to meet people AND you are sporty. You need to push yourself as it sounds as if you've never taken the first step of going along to them.

It's hard yes, especially if you're a bit shy but it's a guarantee that there'll be people like you there.

Just imagine that you joined a club (sports or otherwise) and they meet / play twice a week. They're nice people. You like their company.... now you've filled two evenings a week. You get on well and someone has a party on a Saturday night, or suggests meeting for dinner or the club organises a weekend away.... . Can you see how your life would start becoming more fulfilled?

I joined a club of a sport I was into about 10 years ago. Knew no one, felt totally awkward etc. They were going away for a weekend. Turned up knowing no one of the group of 30. 10 years later, some of those people I see more often than my old friends because we meet to do activities.

I remember asking myself a while later "what did I do with my time before finding this hobby?" I'd have sat around on my own on Saturdays waiting for the phone to ring to go out for pints and then spend Sunday bored or hungover.

2. You're not good at keeping in touch with existing friends.
We can all be like that. When I feel that way, I text my friends or call my friends. They like to hear from me. So maybe by the end of the day today, you should text those friends and arrange to meet them. My busier married friends with kids, I arrange to meet them for brunch or a coffee rather or pints every couple of months. They appreciate getting out, they appreciate that one of us makes the effort.

3. Family as friends
This is not a bad thing and it happens to a lot of us. My sister is a good friend of mine and has become a better friend over the years.

4. What if?
What if you say the wrong thing? What if they don't like me? What if I make a food of myself?
Who cares! What's the worst that could happen ? Learn to laugh off mortification

MartyMcFly84 · 17-11-2017 03:41PM

Get to the gym, work out, eat well, feel better, travel even on your own, have amazing times,adventures, life experiences and meet new people .

A single guy with a well paid job has the world as his oyster. Use your annual leave to have experiences and see new places. Get a different perspective on life. You will likely just think about why you didn't do it sooner.

Guest29 · 18-11-2017 10:13PM

Thank you so much everyone who replied. I am sorry if my post sounded negative, and I definitely was having a bad day that day, but still everything in the post that I wrote was true. I find that keeping busy and having activities planned / things to do in the evening or weekends definitely helps me. I am really going to try and make an effort on your suggestions....cheers

Purple Mountain · 18-11-2017 10:21PM

Do you like travel?
Would you look into a group tour..somewhere that really catches your attention and see it as a treat to yourself and also you might meet new friends!

Lonely, single and demotivated

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