Is there something to work with or do I walk away?

LegacyUser · 09-08-2017 12:20AM #1

I'm with my boyfriend just approaching a year. We met online, he chased me, and we had amazing dates. He asked me to be his girlfriend after three months and told me he loved me after four. We integrated well into each others lives and for 9 months had no fights or disagreements. Since we reached the 6 month mark the communication effort has lessened on his part mainly. I understand men, and women don't like to be smothered and need space. We maintained our own friends and hobbies while made a good attempt to make time for each other. We are both late 20s and I work in a stressful job. He is a mature student and works sporadically with occasional work. We don't talk on the phone at night and generally WhatsApp but even that feels less.

In mid July he became withdrawn. I noticed it over a period of a few days. I saw him one night a few weeks ago and he opened up about what was bothering him. Initially he acknowledged he was withdrawn and despondent but said he didn't know why. He was clear it wasn't for lack of live or attraction for me. Then said financially he is broke and feels he can't do things he wants with me. He said I deserved the world and it annoyed him that he couldn't give it to me. I had been asking about going away not knowing how broke he was and that he had to get a loan to pay for a stage weekend in September. We had the first deep chat about our needs. I told him I don't care about money and there was no pressure from me. He became emotional, tearful and told me he felt like a loser. I held him. We are in different places in our lives but only financially. I told him I needed consistency with communication. Told him to keep the lines of communication open with me and I reassured him of how I felt. A few days later, I opened up about feeling insecure there was a more sinister reason for why he was so upset and that maybe I couldn't make him happy. He reassured me I had nothing to worry about.

Our sex and dates have felt normal and stronger since the chat. But he hasn't kept up his side of our deal with communication. Texts generally at night and 'falls asleep yet is liking stuff on social media. He is stubborn and I should be reassured he wouldn't be with me for the sake of things or for convenience.

But I lay here thinking what if I can't see what's there? I understand from a male point of view, I earn a significant amount and this is difficult for him not earning a lot but if he loved me why wouldn't he want to make effort in other ways? It is dawning on me that this relationship isn't meeting my own needs and I feel at this stage I shouldn't have to question the fundamentals of how someone feels about me. We have had an amazing bond so far and I am head over heels about this man. Is it that he may be insecure not earning and being bored, or is he hoping it fizzles out because he doesn't have the balls to end it? Open to feedback and advice, good or bad. Maybe I expect too much and am being dramatic?

Thanks for reading.

LegacyUser · 10-08-2017 03:57PM

Walk away. He isn't into you.

Xterminator · 11-08-2017 09:33AM

Hi OP

You sound very understanding about what he is going through financially. More than most people would be? There may well be something to work with, but does your partner want to 'work' on your relationship? I guess actions speak louder than words.

You could have another heart to heart where you tell him, how you feel that your not getting what you need from the relationship, and he needs to step up to the plate. Let him know (again) its not the money, its the quality of the relationship! and spell it out, - your not happy and things better change for the better.

If he makes an effort for a week or 2 and reverts back - you have your answer - hes not that bothered. But at least you will know you gave it every chance. I suspect that if you walk now you might have the nagging what if at the back of your mind.

zoobizoo · 11-08-2017 10:20AM

Sounds like he's coming from a place of shame.

In terms of comms, it's not unusual for someone to reduce communication with others when they're feeling at their worst about themselves.

I know when I wasn't working I stopped contacting friends but as soon as I was earning again, I was back in touch.

As for saying good night and then liking social media posts, well, I've often said good night to a gf and then decided to check fb before nodding off.

I wouldn't say that he's trying to let you go

beertons · 11-08-2017 10:59AM

Just walk away.

witchgirl26 · 11-08-2017 12:14PM

OP speaking as someone who went through a fairly tough time and felt quite down, my communication dropped off completely on things like texts or whatsapp. I was ok if it was one the phone or in person but otherwise I avoided interaction. It was no comment on others but more me trying to hide.

I think you need to think about how he is when he is with you in person or on the phone. I wouldn't say he's doing it on purpose to back away from you or anything.

At the end of the day he seems to be in a bit of a black hole with feeling down and that's tough only a year in but if you really care about him, it might be worth working through. I get that your needs aren't being met at the moment and maybe that's a conversation that you need to have with him but be aware that the communication thing may stay like this until he is no longer as down as he is currently. That could take a while.

If you think you see a future (medium-long term) with this man, then fight for it. But be aware that his fight might be more focused at the moment at getting back to an even keel before he can focus all effort on the relationship.

Rain.Clarkson · 11-08-2017 12:50PM

I agree with others walk away. He might be a tomcat. Don't ever waste your time and energy on a relationship that doesn't satisfy you. I mean try to fix it yeah like once, but if it doesn't work out do not dedicate more time and energy to it!

bucketybuck · 11-08-2017 09:21PM

Nipinthebud17 wrote: »

Our sex and dates have felt normal and stronger since the chat.

We have had an amazing bond so far and I am head over heels about this man.

I can't really figure out from the OP exactly what the problem is. I'm getting the impression that despite a perfectly good relationship the OP is upset that her fella doesn't text enough and isn't expressive enough when texting?

Which is a pretty ****ty reason to dump somebody, lets be honest. Seriously, has there ever been anything worse for relationships than goddamn instant messaging!

LegacyUser · 12-08-2017 03:31PM

OP here. Thanks for all the replies. Especially this one.

I agree with you it is a pretty ****ty reason to dump someone. To those who have said to walk away, I think this is the easiest thing to do when you come out of the honeymoon and I want to work through issues before it comes to needing to walk away.

I've chatted to him again and explained that I have more emotional needs than him. He feels things are normal. I guess I have become insecure in a sense since he brought up issues 2 weeks ago, and I need to learn to deal with those feelings. I do want to work through things because I feel we have a good base to build a solid relationship. He has admitted to blowing hot and cold with me over the last few weeks. Over time I hope he keeps up the effort and doesn't use lack of money as an excuse not to bother with dates.

apieceofcake · 13-08-2017 01:16PM

Financial differences can make or break a relationship -I've been there - and it can be very stressful when you're paying for EVERYTHING !!

If you can't even go for a weekend away, it doesn't say much to be honest. If he doesn't step up, what more can you do?

LegacyUser · 14-08-2017 04:21PM

have you considered maybe that your fella might have depression and is struggling to communicate that to you?

it sounds from what you have written that could be the case.

i think you should focus on helping him with this, and then see where it goes.

see it as his "Hour of need" and see how he responds to that. dont dump him.

that advice to dump him and "walk away" is only being given to you here by bitter people who have no advice to give you.

zoobizoo · 15-08-2017 07:57AM

Line from an old Whitlam's song: "Thank you, for loving me at my worst"

What did he work at before he went back to study?

The fact that he's decided to go back to study shows initiative to improve himself and his situation.

What's he studying and is he trying to get work in that field?

LegacyUser · 15-08-2017 01:13PM

abitofadvice wrote: »

have you considered maybe that your fella might have depression and is struggling to communicate that to you?

it sounds from what you have written that could be the case.

i think you should focus on helping him with this, and then see where it goes.

see it as his "Hour of need" and see how he responds to that. dont dump him.

that advice to dump him and "walk away" is only being given to you here by bitter people who have no advice to give you.

Of course this was my first concern for him given how low and emotionso he was. We had a long chat and he is still active in his social life and is exercising so I think his low mood is more attributed to his circumstances at the moment. I want to be with him, regardless of whether there is something more underlying but I have been giving him the benefit of doubt a lot and I feel he needs to show me he is willing to put the same work that I am too.

LegacyUser · 15-08-2017 01:52PM

zoobizoo wrote: »

Line from an old Whitlam's song: "Thank you, for loving me at my worst"

What did he work at before he went back to study?

The fact that he's decided to go back to study shows initiative to improve himself and his situation.

What's he studying and is he trying to get work in that field?

He worked with various unskilled roles and is studying computer programming with a view to working in the field after internship. I don't question his work ethic at all and get that he has to make sacrifices but he has also had some costly nights out before we had the chat a few weeks ago, so I think the financial pressure made him question the timing of our relationship.

witchgirl26 · 15-08-2017 04:30PM

Nipinthebud17 wrote: »

Of course this was my first concern for him given how low and emotionso he was. We had a long chat and he is still active in his social life and is exercising so I think his low mood is more attributed to his circumstances at the moment. I want to be with him, regardless of whether there is something more underlying but I have been giving him the benefit of doubt a lot and I feel he needs to show me he is willing to put the same work that I am too.

OP speaking as someone who was down, a lot of people outside those very close would have had any idea what was going on. I was still keeping up groups I was involved in & a lot of social activities but it was all an act. Maybe he just feels he doesn't have to put up that front with you? I still struggle to understand what exactly it is you want him to do? Communicate more? If that's not what he's like, you might have to change some of your expectations.

My OH was very communicative at the start of our relationship but that dropped off and when questioned, he admitted that he wasn't really like that but thought the start of the relationship needed it. I had to readjust some of my expectations and he had move up his levels but its an ongoing balancing thing. You might have to accept similar.

Nipinthebud17 wrote: »

He worked with various unskilled roles and is studying computer programming with a view to working in the field after internship. I don't question his work ethic at all and get that he has to make sacrifices but he has also had some costly nights out before we had the chat a few weeks ago, so I think the financial pressure made him question the timing of our relationship.

In terms of the costly nights out - are you aware if he went into debt for these? Maybe, as I said before, he felt he had to maintain an image with friends that he felt he could drop with you.

I'm not excusing behaviour but I think considering the admissions he's made to you, you might have to let something go a little until he's no longer so down. And note I didn't say depressed. There is a massive difference. I was down for a long time but not even my doctor would have classed me as depressed. There is a difference.

marxcoo · 19-08-2017 10:43PM

I think people are too quick to tell you to just walk away. It sounds like he is working through some issues, and the reality is someone can't be 100% all the time, and he may need to priortise his issues and concerns over everything else right now including the relationship. It sounds like you like him and you want to give a chance. As for things like saying goodnight and then still liking things on social media, so what? I have often done this - sometimes you want to just switch off from a conversation. I wouldn't take it too personally.

LegacyUser · 20-08-2017 07:53PM

marxcoo wrote: »

I think people are too quick to tell you to just walk away. It sounds like he is working through some issues, and the reality is someone can't be 100% all the time, and he may need to priortise his issues and concerns over everything else right now including the relationship. It sounds like you like him and you want to give a chance. As for things like saying goodnight and then still liking things on social media, so what? I have often done this - sometimes you want to just switch off from a conversation. I wouldn't take it too personally.

I agree and if I walk away now I will be left heartbroken. I have given him my support but he is prioritising his friends and the stage and I wonder if I'll ever be a priority for him. He doesn't tell me he loves me very often so I think my issue is more his communication. We will need to find a happy medium.

Is there something to work with or do I walk away?

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