Devastated

Rezident · 08-08-2017 07:09PM

Grandeeod wrote: »

I'm not even bothering to go unreg'd for this. Theres no point eventhough I'd be well known in certain forums and threads. I'm typing because I have no one to talk to about how I'm feeling. I'm struggling to keep it together for everyone around me. I will ramble and I'm sorry.

On Thursday last, my wife had an acute stroke. She is currently in hospital with serious damage to the left side of her body. She's only 49 years old. She battled cancer over the last few years and won. We thought we could beat the world. This is a fooking kick in the head. We have a 9 year old daughter who thinks mammy is in hospital for tests. Thats all she has known over the last few years. We tried so hard to keep her protected from the reality of serious illness. Cancer is a fooking bitch, but its gradual and we were lucky to be able to plan and make up reasons why mammy was in hospital. A stroke is so sudden and immediate, I'm all over the place. Mammy is talking funny. Mammy can't move her left arm. Daddy cannot and will not let his daughter visit. All this I can deal with as I've been through so much over the last few years, you learn to be able to tell fibs to protect a child. The difference this time is me and the suddeness of impact. Life has turned upside down and I'm barely coping. In front of my wife I joke and support and encourage. She laughed today and it made me feel like I'd won the lotto. But I know I'm not even close to taking it all in. The rollercoaster since Thursday is continuing. Im trying not to cry.

I feel selfish because I want to ball my eyes out. I feel selfish because I want someone, anyone to ask me how I feel. Since this has happened I'm in a whirlwind of cooking for people, cleaning the house and organising stuff. I have some small support from my parents, but all they care about is my daughter. I got back from the hospital tonight and got narky. I've hardly slept or eaten since Thursday. My daughter is getting spoilt rotten as compensation and a distraction. I've no problem with that. But I'm falling apart. Not even my parents have asked how I'm feeling. I've tried telling them, but I'm told to cop on and think of my daughter. Fair enough I suppose. But last Thursday night my wife could have died. I had to sign a consent form for emergency treatment. It was do or die and Im not exaggerating. The only people that have shown any concern for me are hospital staff. I have so much anger and emotion inside me looking at my wife in hospital. I need to share how Im feeling with someone. But I have nobody to talk to. The difference this time is that when my wife had cancer we could talk to each other about it and our feelings and it was encouraged. But after a stroke, the last thing she needs are my problems. More new ground and fair play to her, she's still fighting. after all the **** life has thrown at her. I love her so much. I feel like a prick for feeling weak. Gotta stop now.want to cry. sorry.

It is not feeling weak. Don't describe it as that - even to yourself, in your own head, as that will make you feel weak. You're wife had a stroke! And you're running the house and organising your daughter and everything. You are not feeling weak, you are just feeling.

And stop not-crying, there is nothing wrong with crying when it feels right. Allow yourself to feel it, you need it, and then afterwards you will feel much better. It sounds like you're bottling it up, in classic male style, but you're not a robot, you must express it. Let it out.

Skibunny77 · 08-08-2017 07:18PM

Op, if there is a medical social worker available, please request to speak to him/her. They are trained in supporting you around all the issues raised in your original post. Best of luck.

SimpleDimples · 08-08-2017 07:23PM

Op, very sorry to hear what you are going through - it must be very difficult.

You are right, you need to talk to someone. The National Stroke Helpline is 1800 25 25 50. It's 9-5 and til 7pm on Thursday. You can also message them online. It's there to support people in your situation.

Wishing you & your family the best at this challenging time. x

clairewithani · 08-08-2017 07:30PM

Skibunny77 wrote: »

Op, if there is a medical social worker available, please request to speak to him/her. They are trained in supporting you around all the issues raised in your original post. Best of luck.

Totally agree with medical social worker. They can be a source of great support. Don't know you or your parents obviously but my parents would have been a bit like that. My mother because I would need to stay strong for others but my father because he was very uncomfortable with people showing emotion. Neither attitude helps but sometimes it is not their fault. I hope you have a network of friends and extended family to help.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2017 08:22PM

Grandooed, I shed a little tear when I read what you wrote. I don't have anything to add to the great advice you've been given but I wanted to say something. See, I know what it's like to be the responsible one. A few years ago both my parents fell seriously ill at the same time and had to be hospitalized. One night I lost it completely and I felt my heart break. I lay down on the bed and just howled into the pillow like a wounded animal. I've only ever bawled like this twice in my life. That night and the day my mother died.

Please talk to somebody, whether it's the chaplain, the Samaritans or someone else suggested here. Don't be afraid to cry. Maybe you should. If you can't do it at home, go somewhere in the car and just cry and scream and do what you want to do.

I know you don't want to go there but I think you're going to have to tell your daughter some form of the truth. It's not fair on her, or on you, to completely shield her from the truth. She needs to be told something because she's going to start asking questions. The worst thing you can do is lie or fob her off. There has to be some age appropriate way of breaking the news to her.

I hope things improve for you all and that you can find a way to get through this. Take care xx

Grandeeod · 08-08-2017 10:38PM

Thank you so much everyone. I mean that. The team visited this morning. The blood clot in her brain was disolved, but the damage done is not repairable. Apparently the affected blood vessel has closed. Her speech is getting better and they got her up on her feet today. Because of the damage done in the brain her arm may or may not get better, but they are starting to work on it and we can only hope. Hope will do me after nearly losing her. I would happily be her left arm for the rest of my life just to have her with me and our daughter. I said in my OP that she is a fighter and I can't stress that enough. She is far stronger than me because she had to be.

I've read all the posts tonight because my wife, soulmate and best friend told me to think of myself for a day after a chat between us and the doctors/nurses. I never mentioned this thread and she's not a boardsie anyway, but I cried my heart out with her when she said it to me. The hospital staff have been great today explaining things and supporting and listening to me. Tonight I'm just thinking about me and my feelings. Im doing my best to not feel guilty about having a few bottles of beer and a takeaway. That and settling in here on this thread and feeling that I can type what I feel without any judgement. I still feel fairly crap though and I know that I need to address matters.

As for my little girl. I spoke to staff today based on some posts here. Tomorrow the last of the tubes come out. The I have to plan on bringing her in to the Stroke unit to see Mammy. I just didn't want her to see Mammy hooked up to all that stuff. I'm still probably sounding erratic, but pouring it out here has helped.

Redser87 · 08-08-2017 10:47PM

So glad you are taking care of yourself. Hope you enjoyed the takeaway

you are such a wonderful husband and father, don't feel at all guilty about taking some time for yourself.

tickingclock · 08-08-2017 10:51PM

You sound like a wonderful husband and Daddy. You really do. There's nothing wrong with having a good cry and letting all the emotions out. Stay positive and look after yourself as well as the two wonderful females in your family

Grandeeod · 08-08-2017 11:00PM

Redser87 wrote: »

So glad you are taking care of yourself. Hope you enjoyed the takeaway you are such a wonderful husband and father, don't feel at all guilty about taking some time for yourself.

Ah thanks. Gonna have that takeway soon. Finishing a bottle of beer and actually feeling a little relaxed. But considering the circumstances, I dread the phone ringing.

Noodles81 · 08-08-2017 11:02PM

Dear Grandeeod,

Thank you for updating us on how you and your family are. Enjoy your takeaway and beers. No one deserves them more. Sleep well and tomorrow is a new day for you all.

Grandeeod · 08-08-2017 11:03PM

tickingclock wrote: »

You sound like a wonderful husband and Daddy. You really do. There's nothing wrong with having a good cry and letting all the emotions out. Stay positive and look after yourself as well as the two wonderful females in your family

I live for the two great girls in my life. I wish it was me in hospital now and not my wife. I abuse myself as I smoke and drink. My wife has never smoked and can take or leave drink. She doesn't deserve this. Sorry. Im still very emotional.

Michelle_b · 08-08-2017 11:04PM

Your updated post made me shed a tear... again. You are really a special person and your wife is amazing too. What a lucky girl your daughter to have two such amazing role models in her life. Enjoy the takeaway and beers and yes totally need to look out for yourself and remember boardies are here for you! If you ever feel need to talk down the road again there will be carer support groups in your area with psychologists and people going through similar good to be able to talk to/ vent/ cry/ advice. Also like tonight beer and takeaway... definite yes to get your own little time to recoop every now and again and also cry, scream,shout when you need to on your own and just let it out. Take care and thoughts with ye all and prayers for recovery for your wife and strength to you all in this time

Mam of 4 · 08-08-2017 11:06PM

Hope Springs Eternal , an old saying , and as you say she is a fighter !

Don't feel guilty for having a takeaway and a few beers , you need that for yourself , that little bit of you time .
It's totally understandable that you didn't want your daughter to see her Mam hooked up to all the tubes , it can be frightening for an adult let alone a child . You and the doctors will figure out the right time to bring her in to visit .

Stay posting if it helps , you and your family are in everyones thoughts .

Grandeeod · 08-08-2017 11:26PM

Mam of 4 wrote: »

Hope Springs Eternal , an old saying , and as you say she is a fighter !

Don't feel guilty for having a takeaway and a few beers , you need that for yourself , that little bit of you time .
It's totally understandable that you didn't want your daughter to see her Mam hooked up to all the tubes , it can be frightening for an adult let alone a child . You and the doctors will figure out the right time to bring her in to visit .

Stay posting if it helps , you and your family are in everyones thoughts .

Im still hanging around here. Its very comforting. I am genuinely stunned by the support I have received on this thread. I wouldn't know where to start thanking.

Surreptitious · 08-08-2017 11:31PM

Enjoy your beers and takeaways and keep posting and telling us things are getting better. I second speaking to the priest/chaplain even if you aren't religious. Even some time in the chapel might make you feel better and light a candle and just have space to yourself. If you don't believe in any of that, that's fine too. Don't be hard on yourself and don't worry about the thanking.

Mam of 4 · 08-08-2017 11:33PM

Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers on the net , than to family and friends , as it can be easier to open up about how you/we are really feeling instead of having to keep a brave face on in front of everyone

And I'm sure everyone will say the same about there being no need for thanks , we all need support at one time or another .
Now enjoy those few beers !

Grandeeod · 08-08-2017 11:44PM

Surreptitious wrote: »

Enjoy your beers and takeaways and keep posting and telling us things are getting better. I second speaking to the priest/chaplain even if you aren't religious. Even some time in the chapel might make you feel better and light a candle and just have space to yourself. If you don't believe in any of that, that's fine too. Don't be hard on yourself and don't worry about the thanking.

Mam of 4 wrote: »

Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers on the net , than to family and friends , as it can be easier to open up about how you/we are really feeling instead of having to keep a brave face on in front of everyone

And I'm sure everyone will say the same about there being no need for thanks , we all need support at one time or another .
Now enjoy those few beers !

You pair make me want to cry. In a good way. Thank you so much guys.

Thanks everyone again. I'm sitting over the phones both mobile and landline as I have done anytime I was not with my wife. Things are meant to get better from here on in but I can't help worrying.

Daughter in bed asleep. One more bottle in the fridge. I feel guilty as fook doing this despite being told to do it by my wife and doctors, but especially Boardsies.:D You have been lovely.

Pretzill · 08-08-2017 11:45PM

Been through a very similar ordeal with my soul mate this year too Grandeood - and I know it doesn't seem so at the moment but things will improve - her fighting spirit will stand to her - there's a road ahead -

People also told me to take care of myself as well (advice I haven't always heeded) but it's good advice.

Grandeeod · 09-08-2017 12:02AM

Pretzill wrote: »

Been through a very similar ordeal with my soul mate this year too Grandeood - and I know it doesn't seem so at the moment but things will improve - her fighting spirit will stand to her - there's a road ahead -

People also told me to take care of myself as well (advice I haven't always heeded) but it's good advice.

Thanks for that Pretzill.

Pretzill · 09-08-2017 12:11AM

Grandeeod wrote: »

Thanks for that Pretzill.

And just to add I have an inkling of how you felt in that first post - could have written it myself months ago
(stroke, left side of the brain - was what my OH suffered)

fineso.mom · 09-08-2017 12:17AM

OP I can't add to all the great advice but I just wanted to say, the way you speak about your wife is just beautiful. To say you would gladly be her arm and that her laughing was like winning the lottery honestly gave me a lump in my throat.
Your love for her jumps out from every line and I just wanted to acknowledge that.

bp · 09-08-2017 11:30AM

Your love for your wife and family is what we all aspire to have in ours lives. I am in tears at what a wonderful man you are.

I hope things improve for you. Take care of you and your wonderful family

December2012 · 09-08-2017 01:38PM

I am so happy for you that you took some time for yourself, as hard as it is (and I'm sure you didn't switch off 100%).

From time to time, please continue to do this, whenever you can.

And if you can, watch some comedies, whatever makes you laugh the most. Sometimes when we are stressed it is so hard to laugh. And laughing often opens up an opportunity to cry, and simply just let off the steam of the stress and everything.

that's what I did when my Dad was dying in hospital. I would watch Parks and Recreation or Mighty Boosh or whatever I could find that would help me work through my emotions.

And I'm happy to see that your wife is making progress.

Ursus Horribilis · 09-08-2017 01:53PM

So sorry to see what you're going through. I'm going to say something hackneyed so feel free to beat me over the head. Things have a way of working themselves out. It's not going to be easy but you're going to find some way to keep going. A way to deal with the dreadful hand you have been dealt.

And if you need to vent, there's an army of people on boards with sympathetic ears and advice to give. Let's hope things start looking up for you. The future isn't set in stone and it might not be as bleak as you'd first thought.

Jenneke87 · 09-08-2017 02:32PM

Hey OP,
Sorry to hear that you and your wife are going through such a difficult time again, but glad to read that she is making improvement and I hope that she can make a full recovery, a stroke doesn't always have to mean lasting disability.
This bit is not really related to your post perhaps, but I teared up reading it. Especially in the forum Relationship issues there are so many threads about partners cheating on each other, not offering support in their loved one's hour of need, not being there for the children etc. and it makes you wonder if there is any love or consideration left in the world and then there is your post....Your wife and daughter are so lucky with you! I hope everything will work out for the best!

beertons · 09-08-2017 02:50PM

I admire your openness. Life throws us a few curve balls. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. No reason why you won't hit them all. Keep the head up.

heretothere · 09-08-2017 05:03PM

You are 100% not being selfish!! This is an awful situation and I would love to wave a magic wand for you but I can't

Do you have any close friends you could reach out to? Because you do need a lot of support right now too.

Hannibal_Smith · 09-08-2017 10:14PM

Ah, that's a nice calm update! She sounds like an incredible woman. Your daughter is very lucky to have you both. Enjoy the beers and the takeaway. Relax.

Grandeeod · 09-08-2017 10:59PM

Many thanks for the latest replies. I'm exhausted today, but it was a good day. I just wish I had more energy. My wife started back walking. Although her left leg wasn't affected to any great degree, its weaker than it should be. After nearly a week in a bed, she just needs to build the strength back up. I helped her in the shower and she was delighted to finally feel all that water running over her. But it was very very tiring for her. She had some physio too and the next couple of weeks will be vital as recovery from a stroke is quickest in the first 3 weeks.

We got advice on how to support her left arm. Today she just placed it in the pocket of a hoodie type jacket. But from bum bags to small handbags are all options to make her feel as comfortable as possible. Her blood pressure is still erratic and that worries me, but I can only leave it the hands of the professionals. Overall she is doing things the way she always does things. Haedstrong and determined. She's still very emotional though and I've been told that this will be a longterm issue due to the area of the brain that was damaged. Sorry for sounding so blunt about it, but thats how docs talk to you.

As for me. Well I think I am still taking on too much due to a lack of support. I'm pretty disappointed with my own family. My stepson babysits our daughter. He can't cook. So my days revolve around making breakfast, doing some work stuff as I'm self employed, visiting my wife and then getting home to make dinner for my daughter and her brother. My own appetite is gone to the dogs. When your head is a mess, food is the last thing on your mind. That said, when I arrived at the hospital today, it was feckin fab to see my wifes appetite back. Tuckin into roast chicken, mash, turnip and green beans. Apple tart and custard for dessert! Learning to do it with her right hand as she is left handed and that arm is down. That simple thing cheered me up. What gets me down is the lack of actual physical support for my wife and me. Even her sister (parents dead) has work excuses for not visting. My own lot are a complete and utter dead loss. Not a feckin dinner cooked for their grand daughter, her brother or me. My own sister hasn't even offered anything and she lives up the road. I'm a bit angry lads. Sorry. This is why I can't even begin to address my mental state. I am just focusing on my wife and bringing our daughter to visit, all going well. Keeping the show on the road. But by fook lads Im so very angry at people I thought would step up to the mark. I've had more compassion on this thread and it has kept me going.

December2012 · 09-08-2017 11:09PM

What a shame that people have let you down.

Sometimes people are great, and sometimes they are the bloody worst!

for some time it's okay to use ready meals, etc. Is your stepson the son of your wife? Maybe he's upset too?

Devastated

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