Devastated

Grandeeod · 08-08-2017 12:11AM #1

I'm not even bothering to go unreg'd for this. Theres no point eventhough I'd be well known in certain forums and threads. I'm typing because I have no one to talk to about how I'm feeling. I'm struggling to keep it together for everyone around me. I will ramble and I'm sorry.

On Thursday last, my wife had an acute stroke. She is currently in hospital with serious damage to the left side of her body. She's only 49 years old. She battled cancer over the last few years and won. We thought we could beat the world. This is a fooking kick in the head. We have a 9 year old daughter who thinks mammy is in hospital for tests. Thats all she has known over the last few years. We tried so hard to keep her protected from the reality of serious illness. Cancer is a fooking bitch, but its gradual and we were lucky to be able to plan and make up reasons why mammy was in hospital. A stroke is so sudden and immediate, I'm all over the place. Mammy is talking funny. Mammy can't move her left arm. Daddy cannot and will not let his daughter visit. All this I can deal with as I've been through so much over the last few years, you learn to be able to tell fibs to protect a child. The difference this time is me and the suddeness of impact. Life has turned upside down and I'm barely coping. In front of my wife I joke and support and encourage. She laughed today and it made me feel like I'd won the lotto. But I know I'm not even close to taking it all in. The rollercoaster since Thursday is continuing. Im trying not to cry.

I feel selfish because I want to ball my eyes out. I feel selfish because I want someone, anyone to ask me how I feel. Since this has happened I'm in a whirlwind of cooking for people, cleaning the house and organising stuff. I have some small support from my parents, but all they care about is my daughter. I got back from the hospital tonight and got narky. I've hardly slept or eaten since Thursday. My daughter is getting spoilt rotten as compensation and a distraction. I've no problem with that. But I'm falling apart. Not even my parents have asked how I'm feeling. I've tried telling them, but I'm told to cop on and think of my daughter. Fair enough I suppose. But last Thursday night my wife could have died. I had to sign a consent form for emergency treatment. It was do or die and Im not exaggerating. The only people that have shown any concern for me are hospital staff. I have so much anger and emotion inside me looking at my wife in hospital. I need to share how Im feeling with someone. But I have nobody to talk to. The difference this time is that when my wife had cancer we could talk to each other about it and our feelings and it was encouraged. But after a stroke, the last thing she needs are my problems. More new ground and fair play to her, she's still fighting. after all the **** life has thrown at her. I love her so much. I feel like a prick for feeling weak. Gotta stop now.want to cry. sorry.

Sweetemotion · 08-08-2017 12:25AM

That's a lot to take in.
Don't know what to tell you.

Tom Mann Centuria · 08-08-2017 12:37AM

All I can say is sorry OP, sorry for your wife, sorry you feel alone in coping with it, stroke is a cruel condition, but also stroke rehab is better than it ever was, and this needn't be the end point for cognition or mobility. Especially since you both clearly have determination and spirit in spades. I wish there was something else to say but I think it is good just to get it off your chest, and why not here. Weak you most certainly are not.

I'm not religious so I can't say I'll pray for you, but I hope for the best possible outcome for you and your wife and youngster.

Michelle_b · 08-08-2017 12:39AM

I am so sorry for what you and your wife have been going through. It's total shock fright and emotional rollercoaster. People often forget about the carer as it's a lot on their shoulders. You are probably unintentionally being forgotten as you have little girl and what your wife is going through. I think it's good if you say it to your parents/friends instead of getting narky which again is understandable. You dont want it all to build up on you. As you are there trying to hold it all together you need let people know you are struggling. Vent away here it is needed. Thoughts with you and your family

Starkystark · 08-08-2017 12:39AM

Hi OP
I'm so sorry for how things are going right now for you. Please don't be putting yourself under more strain by beating yourself up for simply feeling. You're more than entitled to feel however way you feel. If you want to cry - cry, shout - shout. When small children are there during times like that, I think the general reaction is to protect the child. I think that's the mode your parents are in and may feel they are helping you by looking after your daughter. It tends to be a very irish thing to be said of "copping on and thinking of your children", but perhaps if you really pull them aside and tell them how your feeling they will listen. hope this helps OP and things start brightening up for you again.

thisistough · 08-08-2017 12:39AM

I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through OP.

I'd suggest seeing if there is a Chaplain in the hospital. There seems to be one on site in most hospitals which would be good time wise, plus the Chaplain would be familiar with this type of situation.

Every time I have been offered the use of this service (on admittance to hospital and in college) it has been stressed that faith is of no importance. I would hope that whether you want to talk, vent or just sit with someone, they could be of some comfort.

My best wishes for a full recovery to your wife.

ahnow · 08-08-2017 12:47AM

Hi,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. First of all, you seem to be doing a tremendous job minding your child and holding everything together at the moment, and you should not feel like you're being selfish for wanting to cry. You're going through a lot and crying is not a sign of weakness nor is it a sign of selfishness! You have every right to be upset and angry. Have you any friends you would feel comfortable talking to about this? Brothers or sisters or your wife's brothers or sisters? Failing that, perhaps booking an appointment with a counsellor might be helpful, just so you have a space where you can offload what you're going through.
I would also recommend googling some sites about advice about how to tell a child that a parent is sick, there is really good advice out there, in case there is a long recovery process for your wife.
There is also a helpful website called strokeassociation .org that might be of some use to you, it gives some really positive outlooks on stroke recovery and good advice about places to go for support for caregivers.

Take care

fineso.mom · 08-08-2017 12:58AM

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Have you any friend you could get to come over and say what you've said here to ? It's an awful lot to keep in. Most friends are happy to listen and be a shoulder to cry on but sometimes you need to tell them that's what you need.

Grandeeod · 08-08-2017 01:06AM

Thanks everyone.

I feel like I want to expode. As I said it was the suddeness of the stroke and the impact it has on our lives without warning. I know in my heart that I havent dealt with it yet just a few days in. I'm just so dissappointed that those near to me can't/won't just sit with me and let me express how I felt when I thought my wife could die in A&E before I got there. Longest drive of my life. All I want to do is talk about my feelings. Not for long. Its my wife who is doing the real battle, but I really need a human to listen. But all I get is be strong and your daughter needs you. When I got home in the early hours of Friday morning, I went into shock. Shaking like a leaf. Fortunately I knew what to do. But I know I haven't dealt with it yet and the shaking is still happening.

Call me Al · 08-08-2017 01:07AM

Firstly I want to say how sorry I am for what you're going through. This is trauma for both you and your wife.
I know you feel isolated right now, and that your family aren't heading your stress. Maybe lean on the hospital staff who are offering you help. Do they have any staff in hospital who can spend time and listen?
Finally, as someone who has seen a massive stroke in a pregnant woman much much younger than your wife, there is hope. All is not lost. It will take time but don't think and expect the worst. Therapies nowadays are incredible and she has youth in her side.
I wish you both the best.

Grandeeod · 08-08-2017 01:08AM

fineso.mom wrote: »

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Have you any friend you could get to come over and say what you've said here to ? It's an awful lot to keep in. Most friends are happy to listen and be a shoulder to cry on but sometimes you need to tell them that's what you need.

That's my problem. I don't have that someone to listen.

ZeroCool17 · 08-08-2017 01:31AM

Grandeeod wrote: »

That's my problem. I don't have that someone to listen.

Sorry to hear what you're going through op. I honestly think that when your mam and dad get up in the morning you should just sit down and tell them how you are feeling. If they say cop on then say NO. Tell them how you feel. Cry and let your emotions out. It might be hard but it needs to be done. Then they will really understand how you are coping. They genuinely think they are doing the right thing for you and that is a nice thing. It's just not what you need.

I know when my dad died everyone kept asking me 'How's Mam?', never once did someone ask me how was I. It really is a typical Irish thing to ask. People forget we are hurting too. I wish you nothing but luck in the weeks and months ahead but going by how strong your wife was at battling cancer then I'm sure she will kick this strokes ass too!

And keep coming back here to let things out of your system too. Best wishes OP.

fineso.mom · 08-08-2017 01:32AM

That's sad, I'm sorry. Why don't you go to bed and have a good cry. You've had an awful few days, that emotion has to go somewhere, wouldn't it be better it went into tears on your pillow than feeling all pent up tomorrow when you're putting on your daddy face.
If anyone deserves a cry , you do. You might feel better after it and even if you don't, it will release some of the pressure.
And you'll be no good to yourself, your daughter or your wife if you don't get some sleep.
Mind yourself. I hope tomorrow is a bit better.

Eimee90 · 08-08-2017 02:37AM

Can you show your parents your opening thread. I think you expressed perfectly how you are feeling.

KKkitty · 08-08-2017 02:58AM

I'm sorry you're going through this Grandeeod. Vent away here. Us boardsies are here for you no matter what. Get in touch with support groups in your area. Talk to doctors and nurses about how you're feeling. Try and sleep. As someone suggested speak to the hospital chaplain or similar. All the best for you and your family. I hope your wife will be ok.

Airyfairy12 · 08-08-2017 05:51AM

This is really awful, all youve both been through with her cancer and now this, youre so strong for coping as well as you have, im sure many people wouldnt have handled this as well as you.
People can be very insensitive, it's especially surprising when the most insensitive ones are the people who should be the most supportive. I suppose they feel theyre helping by encouraging you to focus on your daughter, something to distract yourself from your own feelings and stress but regardless of their intentions theyre not really helping at all, only making you feel more alone.
Its good to write down your thoughts and feelings, it can feel like a release so id encourage you to spend 10/20 minutes a day writing down how your day went and how you felt, your thoughts and emotions in a journal. If you where going to counselling its the first thing youd be recommended to do as it does offer some relief.
Be kind to yourself, if no one else will be your support then do what you need to look after yourself. Say no to favors for relatives, stop cooking for others, stop the negative self talk and take each day as it comes.
I dont know your wife's situation but people do fully recover from strokes, a relative of mine aged 76 at the time had a number of very serious strokes over a couple of years, one very bad turn had left him paralyzed on one side of his body and we were told he wouldnt survive but within a couple of weeks he was fully recovered and ready to go home, he had all his movement and speech back with no long term damage. I know this isnt really any consolation to you but im trying to say people do get better, stay as positive as you can. Like everything else, this too shall pass.

Windchimes · 08-08-2017 05:52AM

You are a wonderful, loving husband and father. You have been a rock for your family, staying strong while your wife had cancer, and putting her and your daughter's needs before your own. I can tell you love them both so much and that they are your life. What a horrible thing to happen after all your family have been through already.
It's ok to feel as you do. It's ok to sit down and bawl your eyes out. In fact, I think you need to do that. You have so many emotions pent up inside you right now and you need to acknowledge them and let them out. Cry until you have no tears left to cry. But I also think it's important that you talk to someone about how you're feeling, otherwise you could be heading for a breakdown. Do you have siblings you can talk to, or a friend who is a good listener? Failing that, perhaps you could talk to the chaplain in the hospital. The hospital will also be able to point you in the direction of various support groups which could be of great benefit to you.
At tough times like this many people turn to God for help. Jesus said "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Even if we have no one to talk to, we can talk to him. He is always there and will always listen to you.

Noodles81 · 08-08-2017 06:34AM

Hi, I'm so sorry that this tragedy has visited you and your lovely family. You are so strong, caring and self aware. Your wife and daughter are lucky to have such a loving and kind husband and father.

But I worry about you and all the stress you are under. You need to process it and you want to do that with people you know and trust. Your parents are maybe too close to the situation and are hurting themselves for you and your family. Down the line you may be able to have that conversation but it seems like they are in coping mode themselves and aren't able to give you the emotional support you need. I'd recommend contacting a counsellor as you need to offload with no fear that you will be in any way judged.

I'm praying for you, your wife and daughter. You are a great team. You will get through this because you have to but also because you are a wonderful person. It shines out from your posts. You have so many strengths but one which will see you through is your ability to know you need to look after yourself and talk to someone, cry and let it out. That's half the battle. Thank you for reaching out here on Boards, I'm so glad you have this outlet and you will find others too. God bless.

bp · 08-08-2017 06:36AM

Oh OP I am so sorry. I know people online asking are you OK isn't the same but please rant to us. Call the Simaritans they are there to listen. Your mental health is so important to you, your wife and child. You are an amazing person. Please call someone and have your cry and/ or come back to boards and tell everyone here exactly how you feel - your feelings are so valid

Wanderer78 · 08-08-2017 06:41AM

Best of luck op

punisher5112 · 08-08-2017 06:51AM

Hi there op, very sad situation you are in but one thing I will say is look after yourself and of course the daughter.

You should let her visit though as she may actually be a help to get you through this.

At 9 they are extremely sharp and in no way stupid and will know something ain't right.

Its your call of course but my one I wouldn't get away with it. She would do your head in sometimes but the rest she is smart and funny.

If you are really up for talking have you any close friends you could call on and if it suits you you could consider calling the likes of the Samaritans as they may have some advice or tips to help.

Maybe go out for breakfast or lunch with the little one and off to a park for a play just to get away for an hour or so and you can both be there for the wife/mum.

Hope you feel better and your wife can get the rehabilitation treatment which will hopefully do wonders.

Best of luck to you all.

Gloomtastic! · 08-08-2017 06:52AM

Hi Grandeeod,

Sorry for your troubles and hope all works out for the best.

Give The Samaritans a call, they'll listen to everything you want to get off your chest and hopefully offer some reassuring advice.

http://ie.reachout.com/getting-help-2/online-and-telephone-help/samaritans-ireland/

Hannibal_Smith · 08-08-2017 07:48AM

Sorry to read your troubles. Is it possible your parents are trying to keep you strong? Might they be worried it you show a crack of emotion it'll be hard to put it together? Sometimes people don't know how to cope in these situations and they say/show a very strange side. A friend of mine lost her son a couple of months ago and she was told she should move on!

Would you normally talk to your parents? Could you call into them and make them listen to you?

You're not weak at all btw. You're in shock, sleep deprived and trying to look after everyone else.

9or10 · 08-08-2017 08:07AM

Hi Grandeeod.

I'm so sorry for your situation.

Rant away, we're here for you.

Wishing you all the very best.

LynnGrace · 08-08-2017 10:01AM

So sorry to read this Grandeeod.

Someone upthread mentioned a chaplain, and I see that you mentioned that the hospital staff are supportive, so maybe try that route. You definitely need to find someone that you can let all of this out to, and I hope that it was a little bit of help to get it written down here.

You are not one bit selfish, not one bit. You are human, and trying to keep a strong front for your wife and daughter. All absolutely natural, but you need someone that you can talk it out with.

Take care, and best wishes for a good recovery for your wife.

robindch · 08-08-2017 12:17PM

Grandeeod wrote: »

Not even my parents have asked how I'm feeling. I've tried telling them, but I'm told to cop on and think of my daughter. Fair enough I suppose.

Not fair enough. Families should be there to support people when it's needed. If they're not helping, then probably best avoid them until things settle down.

Grandeeod wrote: »

Daddy cannot and will not let his daughter visit. All this I can deal with as I've been through so much over the last few years, you learn to be able to tell fibs to protect a child.

I can't imagine for one moment what this situation is like beyond the experience of my own own dad having stroke'd out while driving down the country some years back and having to deal with the fallout from that. All I can say is that if the mother of my kid (she's ten) had a stroke, I'd be bringing her in more or less as soon as the medical staff were ok with it - firstly, should the situation deteriorate in any way, that your child can accept in the future, that you gave as much contact as you could as soon as you could; secondly, to allow me to be fully honest to my kid and to reduce the inevitable stress from having to fob her off with platitudes and bullshit; and thirdly - most importantly - in the hope that she and I could face the situation together and help each other - a nine-year old won't realistically be able to help much, but anything which they can do will be the best family support you can get. That's my two cents. YMMV.

Otherwise, I hope your wife can recover as much as she can - where there's life, there's hope.

Hmm_Messiah · 08-08-2017 01:40PM

HI

I would suggest you look again at your daughter visiting Mum (if I read it correctly) . When she does see her mum, which she will have to at some stages, many of the same issues will be there - the poor talking etc. There are more professional people who could advise you how to approach - e.g. Mum will have to do a lot of practice to to start talking less silly etc. etc.

One reason I suggest you re-evaluate is because you don't know what the future holds ( unless med staff have advised you otherwise) - e.g. things change depending on the cause of the CVA etc. My gran, admittedly much older, was smiling a half talking during the first days only to deteriorate very soon in her communication skills - my mum never got to see her when able to interact more animatedly despite gran living for several years later.

Everything else you expressed is honest, an valid and even appropriate - of course you should be angry and frustrated etc. It is Ok to balance your role as a father, with your role as a spouse, and your simple situation as a human being who's family and life has been through the mill.

I know Irish people tend to never know what to say ; I also feel from experience when the door opens to difficult conversations, when they realise its ok to talk about the crappiness of the situation, they will and can be a bigger support. If your family or circle of friends is limited so you really feel you cannot much of this to them, then tell the med staff you feel overwhelmed and want to avail of any possible assistance they can direct you to

Finally, people recover from the most devastating of things, - from disease and disaster, but all that is in the future , don't pre-occupy yourself with things you cannot currently control - find some help to preserve your strength, and --- in the kindest possible way allow yourself space to be more than a father, more than a husband, just a human being suffering himself

December2012 · 08-08-2017 01:52PM

I'm sorry for your wife, and I'm sorry for your daughter, but they have people to take care of them. Right now, you don't.

So I am very sorry for you.

It's not fair that you've to go through all of this, being strong for everybody. You had the real threat of being suddenly widowed, that's horrible. You waited in hospital while they told you if your wife would survive or not, that's horrible.

You probably had loads of things run through your mind without anybody there to hold your hand, reassure you, or distract you in any way.

If you don't have a friend, maybe your wife has a friend who would give you a kind and patient ear, to simply process what you need.

You don't need to be told to be strong or cop on, you know and are doing that already. You just need a bit of attention and a safe space.

Maybe this thread is it?

If you don't have somebody in real life, maybe make an appointment with a therapist just to vent and cry and rage in your own time.

chuckles30 · 08-08-2017 03:23PM

Really sorry to hear what you're going through. Going to repeat a lot of what was said already - don't bottle it up - try and find someone to talk to. You might be surprised where you will find support - look outside your family if you need to. Lots of counselling etc available, but nothing beats that personal touch of someone you know maybe giving you a hug.

I think you need to rethink not telling your daughter. I know treatment has come on since my dad suffered one over 20 years ago, but even so, this is a long term thing. Your daughter will need to get used to the idea that mammy may 'talk funny' and may not have full use of her body for some time. In fact, I think you may need to get used to the fact that life will be different for you too going forward. That is probably what you are trying to deal with and what you need to talk to someone about.

In the absence of 'real' people, come on here to let it all out......but try and talk to someone. Maybe people are just 'giving you time' without realising that it's the opposite what you actually need.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2017 04:04PM

As a parent myself and also somebody who is married to a man (only child) whose parents spent(d) their lives never telling him stuff for fear he might be upset, I would suggest you tell your daughter OP.She already knows that something is not right.You don't have to tell her everything in detail and I am sure there are people in the hospital, or your GP or even online that can help you in how to approach it.But don't keep it from her.It's not fair on her, you or her mum. Find a way to tell her the bare bones, and be there to answer her questions and help with her fears.

As for you....crying is cathartic.Bottling it up is unhealthy.Your parents may not be able to deal with your emotions.They are of an Irish generation that don't do emotional all that well, particularly from men.I'd suggest you try talking to them, telling them how you feel and insisting that they listen.If you are getting nowhere there, I would second the suggestion of seeing if anyone in the hospital would be available to listen.There has to be some sort of support service there.Sometimes its easier to cry in front of a stranger who has experience dealing with this stuff.If not, I would go so far as visiting your GP and asking them for help, they might be able to point you towards a support service.You can't go through this alone and keeping it all to yourself OP, it will find it's way out.You need to let it out.I am so so sorry for everything you have been through, and I really hope that life gets easier on you all.

ford2600 · 08-08-2017 04:34PM

Hi OP
Sorry to hear of your troubles.

I went, through a pretty horrific time in April, where while dealing with bearavement of my infant son in a foreign country had to be strong for my wife and his twin and to get everybody home.

We can deal with almost anything, without breaking but to do so you need a plan /strategy.

You need to mind yourself first, or else you are useless to to your family.

Use something to get properly calm and relaxed everyday, before bed is best. Yoga/pilates/mindfulness/walk/run the rosary; whatever works. That should help you sleep well and relax the body.

During course of day, scribble down immediately whatever worries come into your head and then forget about them. Pick a 20/30 slot every evening and work through the worries and see which ones you can do something about. Then forget about them again. Do that every day.

Fix stuff in the present that you can. You don't know what the future will bring so quit worrying about it.

Talk to a professional about how to handle your daughter and what is best way to tell her.

Bawl your eyes out when you fell like crying, shout when you feel like shouting. Give your body a chance don't fight it and you will do better.

It won't be easy, at times it'll be unbearable, but just survive the moment and keep going.

Take and ask for help you need be it practical or emotional. All the best

Devastated

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