How to get help for a son that needs it urgently but refuses to admit he need it?

banoffe2 · 02-08-2017 11:52PM #1

Hi all

I don't know if I am on the right forum here, but I am just off the phone from a friend who is at her wits end over her only son
He is mid thirties, with ongoing mental health problems for years, but deep in denial, and of course blaming his mam for everything. She has been very patient and understanding but knows that her son is getting worse and it is having a bad impact on her own mental and physical health at this stage.

Her GP advised her to get out more, she has tried this but knows it is not going to help her son only running away from the problem. The son likes her to be out of the house so he has his own space, most of which he spends in an old shed, he could spend most of the day there, and if she needs to call him for an emergency, she says he is drinking cans and appears to be a bit out of it, I suspect he may be using something could be weed, but no point in guessing.
She said he spent the past week in bed without getting up at all, she has no other family members living with her and I think after our chat she knows she is ready to make changes to help her son and herself but where could she go?
She has the fear of wronging him and a bit of guilt also, I have learned that 3 people I know fairly well two of them friends have had breakdowns recently and are away for treatment which is a good thing, but how does one get to that stage of getting the person in need to accept help before its too late.
There is no reasoning with this man, he barely speaks to her when he is in the house and when he does he is verbally abusive no physical abuse. He doesn't have any friends, hobbies, interests or social life and does the minimum at home.

Thanks for reading, I hope that someone reading this may have some personal experience or opinions that will help me to support my friend.

5rtytry56 · 03-08-2017 12:11PM

I know an adult female like this mother's son, especially in the area of reasoning. has the advocacy route been tried with her son - did he ever have an advocate at any point? If not, well, the worst that can happen is the son turns down the offer - likely in this case I know - but I thought I'd throw out the suggestion.

banoffe2 · 03-08-2017 12:24PM

Thanks a million for that suggestion, sounds good.

No strategy has been tried as yet apart from the mother going to her GP and she on her knees praying, the reality has hit her that nothing has changed and the situation is getting worse.

In terms of advocacy does it mean getting an outsider to approach the son and talk to him or would it more like a planned intervention?

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banoffe2 · 03-08-2017 01:10PM

He is on some kind of a CE Scheme, she feels guilt for not handing over the property to him even though she knows he would not be capable or interested in working it, she kinds of blames herself for that, but it would have made no difference what so ever.

I have been in their home and can sense the tension and what she has to put up with.

She allows him to live there because she doesn't know any better the father gave him a hard time growing up, he left a lot of debts and ran away from trouble leaving the country, in a state of panic the wife and kids joined him and they all returned years later except the son, he was educated abroad and was in his late twenties when he returned probably out of a sense of duty to protect his mother as she was living alone.
The father is rip was a gambler, drinker and verbally abusive until the day he died it was after the father's death that the son returned home. He has done a few courses but from what I see he would find it difficult to work with anyone. This leaves him very isolated.

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Big Bag of Chips · 04-08-2017 06:49AM

The mother is enabling his lifestyle. Even by trying to figure out what she can do to make things better for him, she is encouraging the situation. He has no incentive or reason to change. He is mid thirties and looks like he has never had any adult responsibility. His mother makes his life cushy by not challenging him (although that's probably down to fear). He is an adult man who will make his own choices. Unfortunately the choice he is making is to be a waster.

There is nothing she can do. Nothing. He sounds like he wouldn't be open to any suggestion of help, or getting out, or getting a job. This is where the 'tough love' is needed. But she is unlikely to go down that route for fear of what will become of him if she's not there to mind him.

I don't envy her position. But short of kicking him out of the house and forcing him to take responsibility for his life nothing is going to improve her situation. Her doctor was right, she needs to start looking after herself, and doing things for herself. Her whole life is lived for him. And every decision she makes, is made with him at the forefront of her mind. She needs to look after herself, because he'll be grand! Whatever happens he'll survive. She mightn't. I think you can only encourage her to get help for herself. Once she has that in place, she might then be able to see things differently, and maybe make choices that would benefit them both. At the moment she's in a blind panic and is getting it arseways.

Very understandable, by the way. Everybody who enables someone in their lives does so from a place of love, and worry.

GaGa21 · 04-08-2017 07:17AM

I agree that he should be put out of the house unless he's prepared to get help. But I would worry about his reaction given the tension there at the moment. It might not be safe for her to do so?

banoffe2 · 04-08-2017 09:18AM

Thank you all for your time and support, I know she is afraid that he may take his own life, if this man were to win the lotto in the morning it wouldn't help him. I can't see the mother putting him out of the house. I agree fully about the enabling etc. these situations are never easy to deal with and yes the tough love is the only way to present him with reality.

It is very clear from listening to her that she is afraid of the consequences of making a decision to bring about the change they both so badly need in this very unhealthy destructive cycle that has gone on for years, incidentally his Dad never got help either.

She had company yesterday therefore I wasn't speaking to her but I hope to be in touch with her today.

freshpopcorn · 04-08-2017 03:15PM

Now people always say kick the person out etc but in reality when it's your own son or daughter it can be a very hard thing to do. Especially if they fear they may be a suicide risk.
I know this won't go down well here. One think I did see turning out to be very positive for people in similar situation was converting a section of the house into a granny type flat. Both parties had independence and could pop into one another when needed.

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freshpopcorn · 04-08-2017 03:28PM

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I can just speak from my experience.
All in know is a family was in a situation and the got a bit of money together and their situation turned out well for them.
The son over a period of time learnt to do his bit of cooking and washing/etc. It worked out well for them.
They always say not kicking him out on his was the best decision they ever made.

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Teyla Emmagan · 06-08-2017 09:09AM

I presume the family property is a farm. Are there other kids? Could she sell up and make enough to buy two small properties? If hers was purchased outright and his wasn't it might be good for him (if he is capable of holding down any sort of job). If there are other kids where are they in all of this?

LegacyUser · 09-08-2017 12:14PM

It's funny how everyone here is blaming the son

Was it his fault that his dad never loved him?

Was it his fault that his mother didn't protect him from his father's actions?

The son is a product of his own environment and that is the parents fault not his, he is just imitating the way he seen his dad treat his mother as a kid. By kicking him out you're just running away from the problem, serious counseling is needed for everyone. The mother obviously has confidence issues from the relationship she had with her partner and maybe this is the first step, to gain her confidence back as she will never be able to convince the son to go otherwise. It seems that she's been putting all this off for a long time, I just hope for her and her sons sake that time doesn't run out for them.

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Xterminator · 09-08-2017 02:20PM

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and the mother is an adult, yes?

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banoffe2 · 09-08-2017 04:17PM

Thank you all for your your replies and opinions.

I met the mother yesterday and I can see clearly she is weary and beaten down from the situation, while we all know the logic and the choices that need to be made to bring about such a change it is easier said than done, it takes strength, courage and ideally professional support.

It appears to me that she is in a coping mode and lacks the strength and courage to bring about change or indeed to even realise she can make choices that would improve her own quality of life.
Fear is the the stumbling block which is understandable.

Sometimes it takes a crisis for change to happen, I think she is aware that there is a real problem that is having a very negative effect on both of them while at the same time I see a bit of denial in her, which probably is protecting her from reality and prolonging the agony for both.

Wesser · 09-08-2017 08:04PM

Banoffee did you post about this before?
Maybe I am confusing you with someone else.

Fear is a big issue but sometimes have to think what is it we are really afraid of and is the reality really as bad a what we fear it is.

banoffe2 · 09-08-2017 08:55PM

Thanks Wesser, I agree totally.

Yes I posted something before about a personal situation which I dealt with and accepted the consequences for my decision.

I have great empathy for my friend as I have been fortunate to have gained the courage and wisdom to break a very unhealthy cycle that was going on for generations, there is nothing easy about it, and believe me it didn't get sorted overnight, it was a slow process and I can understand how easy it would be to turn back, and not follow through as there are always obstacles in the way. The awareness and reality check can be very painful and it is very much part of the process.

Thankfully I made decisions and choices which gave me the key to freedom and to have a decent quality of life and most of all peace of mind, peace in my heart and in my home.

I can easily understand why people stay stuck as they get worn down from the negativity, one's thinking becomes distorted and vision gets fogged up. Easier said than done!

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How to get help for a son that needs it urgently but refuses to admit he need it?

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