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My past still affecting my present?

  • 06-07-2017 10:14AM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭


    I hope I can get this down on papers and it not just be a jumble. I was sexually abused when I was around 9-11. I don’t have a lot of memories but enough that I know what happened and that it happened regularly over a period of time. I never felt like I could tell my parents as (now) I don’t think they’d cope very well with hearing it and would blame themselves and (back then) I thought they would take his side and not mine. I went to counselling in my early 20s and thought I’d dealt with it although the lady said she’d never met someone who recounted abuse so clinically and with no sign of emotion. Anyway I thought it was all behind me.
    However, I’ve always had problems dating and it seems to be getting worse. In some of my more emotional moments I’ve had these thoughts where something comes into my head and makes complete sense but later it seems a bit stupid. To go back a step, I find myself dating men who are lukewarm about me and I’m never quite sure where I stand. They either disappear pretty quickly or string me along for ages. Instead of thinking that all men are like that, I’ve started to think that I am just picking/attracting the wrong guys. Looking back I’ve always fallen for guys who make me really unsure of myself, make me a needy insecure wreck and basically make me feel sh*t about myself. The worse it is, the more I like them. Conversely, if I date a guy who I instinctively know will treat me like a princess or a guy that comes on too keen, I’m instantly not attracted to him and never go on more than 2 dates with him. I’m wondering if maybe my past is affecting my dating life. Maybe I still have issues with rejection – I seem to fall for the guys that I know will reject me. In my head I think I’d be an amazing girlfriend and I wonder why guys can’t see my worth but last night I was upset over something and I suddenly realised that maybe deep down I don’t think I’m worth it and maybe guys sense that.
    Might I have a point or is it just my pms making me think like this?! Who could I go get this fixed – CBT, more counselling….?


Comments

  • #2
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,457 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Maybe your past abuse has something to do with your relationships, maybe it doesnt, it's not something anyone here can answer.

    I know the type of guys youre referring too and honestly theyre the reason I stay single and no longer date men. The a$$holes are usually full of confidence, charisma and very attractive, its the alpha male thing and wanting what you cant have, I used to love these type of guys when I was in my early 20's but as you get older you realise you want more from a relationship and you stop entertaining time wasters. I now usually ask myself questions about someone before taking things further, like do we have anything in common? do we get on? what are their friends like? is this person good? do we share the same values/morals? just because someone gives you butterflies doesnt mean you should chase after them, thats just something you learn with age, you also learn to separate sexual attraction from romantic attraction. You might be really sexually attracted to these men and that could be clouding your judgment.
    The 'nice guys' are the reason I completely gave up on dating and men. If you have to tell people youre a 'nice guy' youre probably not one and being 'nice' doesnt entitle you to sex, relationships, trophies or medals. Ive found these men to be just as shallow, selfish and often very controlling/possessive.
    Some men are genuinely sound but just because someone is nice that doesnt mean you should feel the need to have sex/a relationship with them. You won't romantically click with all the nice men you meet.

    Make a list of all the things you like and dislike in a potential romantic partner/relationship. Work on building boundaries and be a little bit more sure of yourself. If youre spotting the red flags early on thats a good sign, thats when you should walk away.


  • #3
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Usually when someone finds themselves constantly going for people who use them or don't seem that interested, it's one of two things: either what I think of as the 'Grease syndrome' or simply low self-esteem. By the former I mean they believe true love is by finding a 'bad boy' (the uber-confident, alpha dog type) and want to 'change' him.

    But, in cases where abuse is involved, it could be the latter. That you somehow feel you're unworthy of being loved, and/or that there's something wrong with someone who does like you, and that you're subconsciously punishing yourself. These kind of feelings are common among abuse victims, it usually goes back to the way the abuser treated them, by convincing them they deserved to be abused. It's awful and, if this is how you feel, I truly feel bad for you and hope you can come to terms with the knowledge that you were a victim ho did nothing to deserve that and are truly deserved of happiness the same as everyone else.

    Counselling is always a good idea in general (for everyone in my view!), but especially so when you have fresh issues like this raising their head and are in a place where you want to figure it out. I'd go that route as there's likely some more to unpack there with this new context to analyse it through.


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