relationship advice needed

Magenta90 · 05-07-2017 09:02AM #1

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We split in the last 14 days due to needing some space. He's not bad (he doesn't help by cleaning or paying bills) and I love him so much and he recently has been diagnosed with depression. But he's caught between me and his friends . I've told him to even it not when he meets them he goes off for days on end partying (only started happening about 6months) and never replies if I text him (which I rarely do) when he's with them. He doesn't want to live at his mothers and wants to come back home. Should I take him back. I'm afraid I'll be hurt and he hasn't changed for the better (so he says). I was the one who told him we need a break, but he stormed out and ive only heard from him the odd time. He says hes sick of the life he lives but loves me more than anything and doesnt no where his head is right now but he will change for me now. I can either drop his things off and start fresh with my life completely on my own or try and make it work with my best friend. When were happy were so happy but when he goes away he goes off the rails. I'd really appreciate some advice.

Tigger99 · 05-07-2017 09:19AM

So he wants to come back because he doesn't like living with his mammy? Tough on him. Has there been any apology or proper acknowledgement that him going on benders is a real problem?

You say he's your best friend. Well your so called best friend is treating you very badly . And it's not his friends that are coming between ye, it's his ****ty behaviour. He says he doesn't know where his head is at. Well then he needs to explore that through counselling, not just throw it out there like a handy excuse.

Can you afford to live by yourself for the moment? Because you shouldn't be forced into making a decision. Especially when it sounds like he is treating you so badly.

Magenta90 · 05-07-2017 09:37AM

Tigger99 wrote:

You say he's your best friend. Well your so called best friend is treating you very badly . And it's not his friends that are coming between ye, it's his ****ty behaviour. He says he doesn't know where his head is at. Well then he needs to explore that through counselling, not just throw it out there like a handy excuse.

Thank you for this. Yes I have the house so everything is OK there. I want him to go to councilling because he has issues from the past but he doesn't want to, its something I feel strongly about. If I look at the bigger picture he is spoilt rotten and always gets everything his way. And no, no real apologies have been made. He has been feeling sorry for himself and feels the world is against him. I no, all the options are telling me to stay away.

woodchuck · 05-07-2017 09:38AM

Him not wanting to live with his Mam is not enough reason to take him back.

I know couples need to support each other in their times of need, but not if he's treating you like sh1t in the process. If he has really changed, I think he needs to prove it to you before you consider taking him back. Is it still going on benders? Is he getting any help for the depression? This might take some time, but if time is what it takes...

Xterminator · 05-07-2017 11:23AM

Hi OP

Ask him how much he wants you back. Stick to your guns, but be prepared because his decision could go either way. He seems very spoiled, and you need to draw a line here, and not roll over and go back to the way things were.

He has had the best of both single and married life. But its not fair on you. If you don't make a stand now, it will never be sorted. the pattern will be set, and you will have this manchild for the rest of your life.

Counselling may help him see your side; and set good habits. Seems that if he wanted you back bad enough, he would agree and it might give him the tools to be a better partner. Yo u didnt mention children, but even you have children together, my advice would stand.

dr.fuzzenstein · 05-07-2017 11:30AM

He sounds like a man child. He wants you to be his mammy who looks after the home when he's out partying so that he can come back home and throw himself down when he comes back.
Don't fall for it and if you do take him back, make sure he shares responsibilities and if he wants to party, he has to include you. Doesn't mean no one gets to hang out with their friends (including you), but not the whole time.
All in all he has a lot of growing up to do. Don't be his fool.

gline · 06-07-2017 06:29AM

Magenta90 wrote: »

I want him to go to councilling because he has issues from the past but he doesn't want to, its something I feel strongly about.

This is a bit of a red flag. If he has depression but doesnt want to do anything about it, thats a recipe for disaster and you will end up being his counsellor.

It also seems he doesnt see the problem if he hasnt even apologised or acknowledged any bad behaviour.

Darren 83 · 06-07-2017 06:59AM

Hi OP, It really sounds that you are taking the mammy role, why is he able to go on benders but can't pay any bills. He is taking advantage of your good nature.

Mongfinder General · 06-07-2017 07:06AM

He seems to be a bit of an arsehole. Get rid.

LegacyUser · 06-07-2017 07:37AM

OP, this is simple if you let your brain do what it thinks is correct. Tell him you need him to change (a, b, c etc.). Tell him unless he can demonstrate he's gone/going down this path the relationship is over.
After he shows these things take him back, if you wish.

On the heart side you could say you'll wait for him for X months by not being with others & support him where you can. Reciprocal of course!

But don't take him back yet, I recommend being firm with that & no back sliding!

Katgurl · 06-07-2017 10:16AM

Good god, he doesn't pay bills, he disappears off for days at at a time... get rid. Seriously, this is pathetic treatment to accept from your 'best friend'.

Do not take him back.

If he doesn't like living at his mammy's then he should get himself in a financial position to move out.

Why are you funding his lifestyle?

Why are you telling yourself repeatedly that this is all you deserve?

leggo · 06-07-2017 09:55PM

I have a feeling you want to take him back and, if that's the case, you likely will. So what I'll say is that, if you do, don't settle for what you get in return before he comes back in the door. If he does feel this way because he loves you and not just because he's sick of not having his handy life living in yours (what I suspect based on what he's said), then he'll do what's necessary and make all of the right realisations. Get him to go to counselling. Get him to demonstrate real change in his social habits (not just in terms of saying words, how he does so and makes you believe it is his problem). Get him to set up standing orders to your account for bills so he pays his share. Demand what you know you deserve and, only then, consider taking him back. But all of that will take months to do, so prepare for the long haul.

If you take him back now, give it a few weeks and you'll be back to square one.

Of course, the ideal action is to call it a day and get a boyfriend who'll treat you like you deserve. It just seems like you're looking for a reason to take him back so you're not there yet. If you feel you are, though, do it! It's a much better course of action and you'll be happier in the long run, plus you should feel no guilt to this guy, he had his chance and blew it.

relationship advice needed

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