Girlfriend wants to buy apartment with me, I want to buy on my own.

Bandana boy · 14-06-2017 04:32PM

Explain that if she wants in on the property she will need to show she can pay the risk.
If property drops 20% and you break up or are forced to sell , how will she come up with her share of the €40,000 loss required to walk away.
If she cannot show that then say bank will not let her name be on paperwork.

SB_Part2 · 14-06-2017 05:58PM

Bandana boy wrote: »

Explain that if she wants in on the property she will need to show she can pay the risk.
If property drops 20% and you break up or are forced to sell , how will she come up with her share of the €40,000 loss required to walk away.
If she cannot show that then say bank will not let her name be on paperwork.

I wouldn't even give her this option. He's only going out with her 3 months. He doesn't even know the girl. Probably hasn't even farted in front of her

leggo · 14-06-2017 06:33PM

Yeah also you can't fight crazy with logic. Like trying to beat a tank with a hurl.

Yellow pack crisps · 14-06-2017 06:36PM

Just tell her the her the truth, tell her it's not personal that this purchase has been on your mind before you met her and it's an investment towards the future and not a family home, tell her yiu appreciate the gesture but you will be buying this property in your sole name! Her response will tell you it you have an issue or not. If she has issues and wants to pressure you into something you don't want to do well it's time to break up.

MissShihTzu · 14-06-2017 06:54PM

Be smart, OP. DO NOT DO THIS. It will only end in tears. Trust me on this one.

I did the same thing with an ex-partner at home in London. We were together 4 years before we bought. It ended very messily.

Don't do it. And don't worry about your girl. She'll get over it!

Bambi985 · 14-06-2017 10:36PM

Jeez, I'm with my fella a few years now and would have to seriously think about things before committing to buying a property together. It's such a long-term commitment and is tying you together financially when you barely even know her emotionally at this stage. Have you even met her family and circle of friends? Do you even know if she's a reliable sort of character or a total flake? Is she money wise or unable to save a penny? Does she have ambitions to further her career and move beyond minimum wage?

All of those questions need to be firmly answered before you sign on the dotted line with her. In the haze of that first flush of romance you can hardly see your arse from your elbow, less have any sort of solid answer for any of them. You're still very much "dating" and both on your best behaviour. Get to know the woman. Walk before you run. Otherwise you're probably going to make a very bloody stupid financial decision that an ambitious and smart young fella like yourself will live to regret.

jigglypuffstuff · 15-06-2017 12:15AM

Emme wrote: »

Some couples aren't exclusive after 3 months let alone buying a home together. Fair play to you for being so successful and focused. You should definitely buy on your own and I second the suggestion of getting a lodger in. If she doesn't like it she can take a hike and you'll be well rid, if she's genuine she won't mind.

I'm not being horrible here but I think you're out of this girl's league. I'm single now and have given up looking but when I was younger and dating the guys I dated earned around the same or a little more than me. I don't earn a huge salary and never did. The high earning guys I knew always dated women who earned in or around the same as they did. I thought that was the norm. Sometimes if one partner was studying and the other was working there was a bigger discrepancy in income but that would even out once the partner in college qualified and got a job. Later on one partner might give up work to care for the children but not after they had both worked in jobs that brought in a similar income.

You are only 27 and you should be in no hurry to settle. This girl is probably very attractive and it's understandable you don't want to lose the relationship. But the relationship is only 3 months old. You barely know each other. Focus on getting your apartment sorted and getting your business plans off the ground. Go on a few holidays alone and broaden your horizons. In a few years time when your have fulfilled some of your business plans you would be in a better position to get serious with somebody.

Wow I'm l Iost for words here

You know one a prominent driver of inequality in the world is assortative mating.... Which is exactly what happens when you label a person out of their league based on income....

OP rent her a room?

GingerLily · 15-06-2017 06:21AM

pone2012 wrote: »

Wow I'm l Iost for words here

You know one a prominent driver of inequality in the world is assortative mating.... Which is exactly what happens when you label a person out of their league based on income....

OP rent her a room?

It's bloody hard sometimes to be in a relationship with someone who can't afford to do what you want to do and doesn't like handouts.
I had that for a long time with my now fiancé and if it wasn't a short term situation I would have been gone because it really sucks to work hard all week and then feel awkward for wanting to spend your hard earned wage.

15-06-2017 09:11AM

Moving in togeather shouldn't even be entering your head after 3 months never mind buying togeather.

Bambi985 · 15-06-2017 09:27AM

On the money side of things, I'd agree with both sides really. I'm female and earn significantly more than my OH, but I'm also a saver and not lavish in my lifestyle so we match pretty well there. Our respective salaries don't impact each other negatively, I'll be the one with the bigger savings pot for any future house deposit, wedding, kids etc, he's the one who'll be doing all the fixer-upper stuff and all the awful paperwork that I'm useless at! So it all balances in the end.

I don't have any preconceived notions of a man needing to be a big earner to be my partner nor do I expect to be propping someone up either. I think that's the bottom line really. Is the OP's girlfriend thinking "he's loaded, jackpot! Let's get on this gravy train..." or is she just a bit ignorant about house buying and thinking "we both want a house, this makes sense" and that's as far as her trail of thinking goes. It's up to the OP to figure that out.

Also OP your compatibility in terms of ambition might come into it too down the line. Is the girlfriend on minimum wage because she's happy to coast and has no further ambitions other than that? Or is her situation temporary and just a means to an end while she furthers her education or her work experience. Age is probably a factor here. How old is she? At 22 I was in my first job and on a laughable wage, ten years later I've quadrupled it by working hard and adding significant value to my CV. If you're someone that can't sit still for the goals you have, you might find it frustrating to be with someone who's the opposite of that (if indeed she is) when the glean has worn off in a few years.

Lollipops23 · 15-06-2017 09:27AM

My OH (together nearly 2 years) was saving for a deposit when we met; he recently bought an apartment (we went on viewings together and he took my opinion into account).

The plan is for him to move in with a tenant, I'll be there 3-4 nights a week most likely. After a year, tenant will move out and I'll move in fully.

Why? Because neither of us are ready to commit to moving in yet. We're 28 and 29 btw, both in good well-paying jobs.

I was always super conscious that he'd been saving since he started work after college. Years before he ever met me. It was his dream to own his own place before 30, and I wasn't about to mess with that.

Mooooo · 15-06-2017 11:19AM

OP seems to know buying together is a non runner it's explaining to her is the issue. Telling her it's simply too early to do so should suffice, everything else is irrelevant re affording it or not etc, if she can't handle that then slan

redfox123 · 15-06-2017 05:24PM

Emme wrote: »

I'm not being horrible here but I think you're out of this girl's league. I'm single now and have given up looking but when I was younger and dating the guys I dated earned around the same or a little more than me. I don't earn a huge salary and never did. The high earning guys I knew always dated women who earned in or around the same as they did. I thought that was the norm. Sometimes if one partner was studying and the other was working there was a bigger discrepancy in income but that would even out once the partner in college qualified and got a job. Later on one partner might give up work to care for the children but not after they had both worked in jobs that brought in a similar income.

I truly want to leave this planet. He earns more so is 'out of her league'. Everything that is wrong with success and money driven society and relationships summed up there.

Wesser · 15-06-2017 06:16PM

I wouldn't talk about it too much. Not at all in fact. Just buy it nice and quietly without discussing it much . Just say something bland like oh yeah that's coming on nicely . Let her know when the deal is done. Don't discuss it with her further before that .

LirW · 15-06-2017 08:48PM

I'll just put myself in her shoes. Maybe she doesn't have any gold digging thought at all. If I would have met my partner and shortly after we met he's talking about buying an apartment I would feel slightly awkward about what to do. I probably as well would maybe just offer to chip in a little bit, not because I wanna claim anything or so, but it's my partner and I honestly wouldn't know on how to appropriately react on that. Maybe she just offered that and didn't think too much about the actual consequences, just wanted to be helpful.

You didn't state at all how the conversation went, I'd just talk to her, explain the situation and your plan. If she's reacting really unreasonable then you know what's up. I just sounds a little bit like there might be a bit of a misunderstanding and awkwardness on either side on how to handle this. Just sit down, talk about it and you'll see how it turns out.

Btw, about moving together soon, my man moved in with me after 4 months of long distance relationship because the circumstances were just about right, it worked out more than great and we have a kid together now and are just in the process of buying a house together.

Dial Hard · 15-06-2017 10:16PM

LirW wrote:

I'll just put myself in her shoes. Maybe she doesn't have any gold digging thought at all. If I would have met my partner and shortly after we met he's talking about buying an apartment I would feel slightly awkward about what to do. I probably as well would maybe just offer to chip in a little bit, not because I wanna claim anything or so, but it's my partner and I honestly wouldn't know on how to appropriately react.

After eight weeks???

LirW · 15-06-2017 10:52PM

I'm merely pointing out the awkwardness that this situation brings up and someone here mentioned before. In all fairness, the OP didn't give much information on what information was actually exchanged, this can be everything from a very casual conversation like "Hey, I'm buying an apartment" "...eeeeerm okay, would you want me to chip in?" to a matter of several evenings of discussions, we don't really know and I give her the benefit of doubt here.
She just gets wrecked here and called nasty things and we don't really know what was going on. Maybe she is someone who sees an opportunity, maybe she has just offered something without thinking too much about it.

The_Conductor · 17-06-2017 07:25AM

Honestly- I don't post very often in this forum- but I am totally flabbergasted at some of the comments and sentiments being expressed here in this thread.

I honestly never looked at family wealth (assets or cashflow) nor did my now wife- when we were dating.

A few points- I don't 'get' what the OP's imperative is to buy now at any cost. Dublin prices on apartments have stagnated (ok, other property prices are rising- but its a lot more selective than it was even 12 months ago).

Wholly aside from the relationship aspect of all of this- I'd be seeking advice from someone who doesn't have a vested interest in trying to part me from my cash- on whether, or not, buying at the moment is a good idea.

From the OP's description- I'd also be genuinely considering whether I was looking at residential accommodation- or a nice office in a reasonable location- where I could bring clients to sit down and show them concepts etc- without having my laundry drying on the balcony.

I'd suggest the two of them rent somewhere together- and the OP buys a freehold office with parking somewhere convenient- gets it done up nicely, and works from it.

We only have one side of the story here- and the perception is that the girl is a gold-digger- I'm sorry- there simply isn't enough information here to support that hypothesis.

I do think its too early for the two of them to move in together- however, I also think the property market is doing strange things in the Dublin area- and that the compulsion that many people had to buy- before they got priced out of the market- is being deflated.

OP- look at this as two separate matters. Why do you feel a compulsion to buy just now? You have voiced that you'd like somewhere to work from- this is not necessarily incompatible with working from home- however, its also not necessarily the best of ideas (speaking as someone who followed this path for a number of years). Would you look at buying a nice office freehold to do up- and work from there- while you rent somewhere nearby until you see what the lay of the land is?

Vis-a-vis your girlfriend- moving in together at the 3 month stage- is not normal- it wasn't normal in my day (I'm a lot older than you are- I'm in my 40s)- and it most certainly is not normal now. Relationships do break down every day of the week. I'd suggest some sort of a holding position- but in a manner that doesn't belittle the girl- she may be the lovliest, most sweet tempered person you'll ever encounter in your life- and painting her a money grabber- might be doing her an immense disservice.

Its only through illness, hard times- and other experiences- that I've come to the conclusion that there are far more valuable things in life- than how much I or my wife earn. Life is short- but try to see beyond what she brings to the relationship financially- life is about a hell of a lot more than money.

Back to first issue- strongly advise you get somewhere to work from- that is *not* your residence- its a pain bringing people into your home to show off sites, look for feedback, comments, show them concepts etc. A small nicely decorated office, with good security, good internet, a few parking spaces and nice equipment to use- is more what you need. Also- it'll get you out of the house in the morning- there is nothing worse than getting up in the morning, working your arse off all day- and not having left the place as the sun sets in the evening.

In short- try to look beyond money- but also be pragmatic about your girlfriend- life isn't all about money, often we loose sight of the things that really matter.

QueenRizla · 17-06-2017 07:39AM

OP is your girlfriend Irish? What might seem crazy (i.e buying property in your 20's with someone you are with for a few months) to most Irish people might seem very normal in other cultures. Also have you much experience with relationships? The whole concept is very naive and you seem afraid of offending her and loosing the relationship.

FWIW, I went out with people for 2/3 months in my 2O's and would struggle to remember their names. I'd call it casual dating timeframe.

ManOfMystery · 17-06-2017 12:35PM

QueenRizla wrote: »

FWIW, I went out with people for 2/3 months in my 2O's and would struggle to remember their names. I'd call it casual dating timeframe.

And on that note, would you have considered going into a property purchase with these people?

pwurple · 19-06-2017 10:19AM

It actually makes very little sense for her to use up her 'first time buyer' status as well.

She must be very young / naieve to think this is a good idea.

woodchuck · 19-06-2017 11:20AM

I'm normally one to sympathise with the "non-owner" as I've been there myself and the unbalanced dynamic in the relationship sucks.

However...

You're only together 3 months!!! It would be insanity to buy together. It's a huge commitment; way too big to be considering at this stage.

Don't put your plans on hold for the sake of a relationship that is such early days. Just go for it.

up for anything · 19-06-2017 02:03PM

Maybe she is just head over heels in love with the OP and blindly sees their future as being together. I doubt she's planning a break-up, more likely a wedding. I was head over heels in love with my ex-husband from week one forty years ago and would had the same instincts as the OP's girlfriend. What is even more shocking is that despite experience and maturity etc I fell in love with someone four years ago and those same instincts kicked in right away. I wouldn't have had a thought in my head as to turning things to my advantage. Yes, she may be very naive and slightly thick but I don't think she's out to fleece the OP.

leggo · 19-06-2017 03:16PM

up for anything wrote: »

Maybe she is just head over heels in love with the OP and blindly sees their future as being together. I doubt she's planning a break-up, more likely a wedding. I was head over heels in love with my ex-husband from week one forty years ago and would had the same instincts as the OP's girlfriend. What is even more shocking is that despite experience and maturity etc I fell in love with someone four years ago and those same instincts kicked in right away. I wouldn't have had a thought in my head as to turning things to my advantage. Yes, she may be very naive and slightly thick but I don't think she's out to fleece the OP.

Okay so let's take it at face value and assume that it all is honest and 'for love'...that doesn't make it not insane behaviour.

For example, I'm friends with a guy who ALWAYS rushes into relationships, falls head over heels and gets them super serious way too soon. As a mate of his, I've tried to hint at it a few times for his benefit, to extol the virtues of taking it slow and how that can be beneficial while you get to truly know someone. And when one of us meets a girl we like, he always, always says the phrase 'lock her down'. One day, when he said it to me, I decided to think and delve into that phrase a bit more. It's strange when you break it down. Lock almost means to 'trap', like, and the entire attitude implies that he believes there's something wrong with himself and that he needs to make things serious before the other person sees these things and leaves, so they're too deep in, they're 'locked down' so to speak.

So, actually, his attitude isn't coming from love at all. It's actually coming from fear and insecurity, and maybe those fears and insecurities are based in something real, maybe his attitude to relationships is shaped by 'people leave me when they see the real me' and, maybe, rather than address those core issues which may be tough to deal with head on, he'd rather just try and subconsciously trap people in a serious relationship before they see that. But, of course, over time they're still going to.

It's nice for him to dress it up as 'true love' (the first 20 times) and it sounds great to tell it that way to people, but it's not how the real world works. So the OP should still exercise caution regardless.

pilly · 20-06-2017 09:42AM

Having just re-read the OP, I've noticed you've said the issue is she earns 20k?

So if she earned a lot more would you be considering it?

I think the real issue is the length of time you're together, not the wage differential.

I also think that you need to think going forward if the difference in earnings is a problem. If you don't see yourself settling down at a later date with someone who earns much less then you owe to her not to be wasting her time also.

dellas1979 · 20-06-2017 04:37PM

Hmmmm-unusual situation alright. But easily resolved with a no.

Look after your future now, until maybe you see a long term future with her.

Its a bit bonkers to want to buy a property with someone you dont really know.

Maybe you could ask her or find out what her motivation is? Is she just clueless? I think youll find this out as you say no.

I think the post is more about what is she playing at, rather than you making a decision?

SozBbz · 21-06-2017 08:29AM

pilly wrote: »

Having just re-read the OP, I've noticed you've said the issue is she earns 20k?

So if she earned a lot more would you be considering it?

I think the real issue is the length of time you're together, not the wage differential.

I also think that you need to think going forward if the difference in earnings is a problem. If you don't see yourself settling down at a later date with someone who earns much less then you owe to her not to be wasting her time also.

Well, her earning €20k is an issue. In the OP he said that she would contribute based on him paying all the day to day bills.... so needing to be subsidized in order to "contribute" isnt really contributing - its just giving with one hand and taking with the other.

Minera · 21-06-2017 11:59AM

Hi op, I'm going to join the general consensus here and say don't buy with your gf. It's been well explained why you shouldn't. Rehgardless if she 'chips' in or not your gf will have some rights regarding your property if she is living there for over 2 years ( I think that's the timeframe) so do your homework and check out citizens advice online.
Good luck with your future endeavours

SozBbz · 21-06-2017 03:01PM

Minera wrote: »

Rehgardless if she 'chips' in or not your gf will have some rights regarding your property if she is living there for over 2 years ( I think that's the timeframe) so do your homework and check out citizens advice online.
Good luck with your future endeavours

This isnt true unless they have children. She won't have any rights to a claim until you've lived together for 5 years, unless there are children involved, then it reverts to 2 years.

MartyMcFly84 · 21-06-2017 03:32PM

What you could do is buy the place for yourself and let her live there for a low or "cost" rent/or share or bills if you wanted too. This would help her greatly with disposable income and allow her to save if she wanted to get her own place further down the line.

She should not be asking to buy with you so soon , but I think that is a fair alternative. I know a female friend who this worked out well for. Living with her new fella without paying rent changed her life in Dublin massively and allowed her to save for big holidays for both of them, family and save a nice cushion for herself if she ever needed to buy. Again its up to you but then if things didnt work out you would have done all you could and her has not claim on your house.

Girlfriend wants to buy apartment with me, I want to buy on my own.

Comments